Friend issues and STD etiquette

I have a friend who I've known for over five years. We've been very close for most of them. This past year, she's been a bit flaky and unreliable and unresponsive. I'm getting annoyed because I have been making the majority of the effort over the past year. We've spoken maybe 3 times over the past 2 months, and she hasn't been responding to my friendly emails just asking how she's doing.

The thing that put me over the edge recently is her response to my email where I said jokingly 'are you no longer talking with me because I live in a different neighborhood?' She replied that it's more due to my employment situation. (!!!!!!)Background: She is a stay-at-home stay-at-home (doesn't work, have kids, go to school or volunteer. she literally just stays at home or socializes with other stay at homes. Her husband makes a good living so they can afford it) When we first met we were both in grad school. I've been working for about 3 of those yrs. Back in March I quit my horrible job and was a temporary stay at home. Since I began a temporary job in July she simply doesn't respond to me at all!!!

Here is my question:
If I send her a save the date, does that obligate me to invite her to the wedding even if our friendship is shaky at that point? If we stop talking, I'd imagine it's okay not to invite her, but if we continue the road we've been going down, what is my obligation? Am I rude not to invite her?

Thanks for listening, girls and TIA for your advice!

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Posted by DrWho

If you send a STD, you must send an invite, unless she does something totally outrageous (like hit on your FI, or slap your mom).

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'....or slap your mom'


Thanks for the laugh and the good info on the STD protocol. Okay, no STD for her!

I will try and talk with her though. I'd hate to lose her as a friend, but seriously....she won't talk to me b/c i work?? I am sure there is a different reason..or who knows? maybe that IS the reason! Crazier things have happened!

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Posted by FuTuRe MrS MaZz

If you send an STD to someone, you most definately must send an invitation!!! If you are unsure about her, I would just skip sending her an STD. You can just casually mention the date to her

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100% agree! I'm actually not sending STDs to coworkers even though I've casually mentioned the date, simply b/c I don't know who will still be working there 10 months from now!

I so wanted to start a PSA about STD's, I had to uninvite someone to my wedding. We have been friends on and off for the last 11 years. We used to have drinking in common, but not anymore. When I quit I realized that was al there was to our relationship! Sometimes when you lose the one common thing you have with someone, you lose the friendship, cause there isn't anything else there.

In a nutshell, she was so excited when I got engaged, I sent her an STD with every intention of inviting her. Then her life spiraled out of control, she started using drugs and became a mess. I mentioned to common friends about her and they said don't put us at her table! That is when I realized who I really wanted at my wedding. I explained to her that I could not invite her due to unforeseen circumstances.

My PSA, be very, very careful who you send the STD's to!!!

You should invite her. Honestly, email has no tone of voice - Her comment VERY easily could have been taken as a joke... just like your comment was a joke. I think it's possible you may be taking it too seriously.

If you REALLY feel the relationship is 'shak' then talk to her about it... but, I wouldn't uninvite her based on this.

I personally cannot have any high maintenance friends. I don't have the time between my job, my horses, my husband, swimming, buying a home, and all the other things I do in a week to talk or even email back to people every day. I can't imagine it would be any easier even if I were a SAHM. I'm sure she wants some time with her husband in the evenings, is doing family things on the weekends, etc., etc. And if she's home with a child, she may not be checking her email everyday like those of us who work do.

My friends and I don't see or talk as often as we did when I was in grad school. I literally don't have the same amount of time. As our life situation changes, so does our time to dedicate to certain things. Real friends will understand when you can't talk every day, or even every week - sometimes I go a month or more not speaking to some friends. They don't hate me and I don't hate them. We just know, we don't have the same time we used to.

I'd try talking to her about how she feels. She should understand your concerns and situation, but you should understand hers, too.

Good luck! Try not to stress too much. I really doubt she meant any harm. She probably just has more free time when you're working. It's a fac of life. I don't think she meant to offend.

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Posted by Kara and Todd

I can't imagine it would be any easier even if I were a SAHM. I'm sure she wants some time with her husband in the evenings, is doing family things on the weekends, etc., etc. And if she's home with a child, she may not be checking her email everyday like those of us who work do.

My friends and I don't see or talk as often as we did when I was in grad school. I literally don't have the same amount of time. As our life situation changes, so does our time to dedicate to certain things. Real friends will understand when you can't talk every day, or even every week - sometimes I go a month or more not speaking to some friends. They don't hate me and I don't hate them. We just know, we don't have the same time we used to.

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See, that's the thing. It's not that she is busy and is struggling to balance life and all it's activities and responsibilities. She doesn't have kids, nor does she volunteer, work, cook dinner or clean the apt. She spends the daytime hours lunching with other SAH's (just SAH's, not SAHM's), or lounging around the apt. napping, reading and watching TV. Literally, that is what she does all day. I personally don't care that she doesn't do anything, my only point in bringing it up at all is that she has an abundance of time to email me or call me, she just doesn't.

I know you're just trying to make me feel better. I don't expect to speak to my friends every day of the week. I know that people are busy, as am I, and that life today is very demanding and time is limited. I have many friends who i don't speak to every day or email with every week, or sometimes it takes them a week to get back to me. Like I said, she has more time on her hands than all my friends combined, and she still doesn't get back to me.

The more I write this, the more convinced I am that she is just shutting down our friendship by being non-responsive. I gave it another try last wed. by calling her and trying to be friendly, asking her about her cats, and what she's been up to. We spent 15 minutes talking about her, then I mentioned one thing about the wedding planning (that I got the STDs) and she had to go all of a sudden. I havent' heard from her since.

I will give it one more try by talking with her to find out what is going on. I really don't think I owe her an invitation.

Thank you guys for listening! I don't mean to sound so bitter, it just hurts my feelings because it seems like such an outright rejection of our friendship. She has all the time in the world so what it boils down to is that she chooses not to keep our friendship going. I've been very patient and have been giving her the benefit of the doubt this entire past year.

Ah! Sorry for the vent. Now I know that STD's really are a promise for an invitation