Friends disappointing the bride...

Hi All-

So I'll make this somewhat brief. My cousin is my MOH and is doing a wonderful job setting up the bridal shower which is coming up in May, as well as festivities the day/night before for my BM's/close friends, and myself. We are doing it the same weekend b/c some of my BM's live out of state.

Well just last night my fiance told me something he felt I should know. 2 of my BM's are coming in from Boston. They are coming in on the train on Sat. morning and spending all day/overnight here on Sat. Well apparently they decided to leave on sun. morning BEFORE the shower b/c 1 is on-call Mon. morning @ her hospital where she works and the other just doesn't want to get home late b/c she has work the next day (don't we all?!)

This is all of a sudden.. they changed their minds and its very hurtful. Plus they haven't even told me about it themselves. I found out last night and I was so mad/disappointed. Isn't this what friends are for?! They can't even stay an hour or 2? The shower starts at 12.. it takes under 4 hours to get back to Boston. So, I'm very confused. I almost feel like, after the wedding, I don't want to be friends w/ them anymore if this is how they are and I can't count on them. But I don't want to make any waves/tension prior to the wedding b/c I don't want to be down 2 BM's.. and I'm almost afraid they'll flake out on me.

Thoughts on how I should approach this? Should I just remain calm and then deal with things after the wedding and determine where our friendships stand?

TIA..

maybe the train schedules that day don't allow them to stay longer? Dont jump to conclusions until you hear the reason/excuse from their mouths directly.

I can totally understand why you are hurt, but to lose a long term friend over not attending your shower is a bit silly and emotional IMO.

Thanks. And thats exactly what my fiance said.. focus on the people who WILL be there and who support you. It's just interesting how sometimes you learn about people in ways you didn't want to.

I just don't know if I should explain my disappointment to them, or just let it go and keep it to myself.

Also one of them is having a 30th B-Day party in June and wants my fiance and me to come out for it... @ this point I'm pretty fed up and don't even want to, but feel that maybe I should.. especially b/c I'm trying my best to avoid making waves.

I always thought BM's kind of HAVE to be @ the shower? Like its one of the things that goes along with being a BM?!

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Posted by justnicethings

Being down 2 BM's is not that big of a deal if you can deal with having some GM's double up with the remaining girls. I'd be really disappointed in my friends, too. Think really long and hard whether or not you want these girls in all the pictures commemorating your big day. It might not be worth keeping them for such a taboo reason.

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Thanks. Well I think I'll see what happens. Mind you they haven't even TOLD me about this yet...

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Posted by cait625

the quickest way to see who you're real friends are is to plan a wedding. i think all of us have had a moment where ppl have let us down and it sucks. just don't let it ruin your day! this is your special time and if they can't/don't want to be there, its their loss!

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Yes, thats how I'm thinking about it.. its just that now I'm viewing them in a different light.. and wonder when they will call me to tell me, or if I should just call them and discuss it.. or just let it go?!!!??

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Posted by cait625

the quickest way to see who you're real friends are is to plan a wedding. i think all of us have had a moment where ppl have let us down and it sucks. just don't let it ruin your day! this is your special time and if they can't/don't want to be there, its their loss!

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ITA

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Posted by rosatemp

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Posted by cait625

the quickest way to see who you're real friends are is to plan a wedding. i think all of us have had a moment where ppl have let us down and it sucks. just don't let it ruin your day! this is your special time and if they can't/don't want to be there, its their loss!

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ITA

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Yes I unfortunately am learning that. I am just debating talking about it with them and sharing my disappointment (which I think I will do).. or just learning more about them as people and moving on and letting it go...

It kind of comes with the territory of asking people from OOS to be in your BP. You have to kind of expect that they may not be there for all of the functions. I actually think it's great of them to even come out the night before - maybe that's their way of making it up to you.

I had a BM that's from California. There's no way I could've expected her to be here for the shower, bachelorette party, AND wedding, and I told her that from the beginning. I was happy she came out here for the wedding for me - didn't ruin our friendship at all.

You're right, Boston is only about 3 1/2 hours away, but you have to remember that just because they're your BM's, that doesn't mean they're at your beck and call. God forbid the one gets called into work (since you said she's on call) while she's in NY......how would that turn out for her? I would step back for a second and take a look from the outside - they're coming in on Saturday because they know they can't be with you on Sunday. Sounds like a pretty good pair of friends to me.

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Posted by Lsorrent

It kind of comes with the territory of asking people from OOS to be in your BP. You have to kind of expect that they may not be there for all of the functions. I actually think it's great of them to even come out the night before - maybe that's their way of making it up to you.

I had a BM that's from California. There's no way I could've expected her to be here for the shower, bachelorette party, AND wedding, and I told her that from the beginning. I was happy she came out here for the wedding for me - didn't ruin our friendship at all.

You're right, Boston is only about 3 1/2 hours away, but you have to remember that just because they're your BM's, that doesn't mean they're at your beck and call. God forbid the one gets called into work (since you said she's on call) while she's in NY......how would that turn out for her? I would step back for a second and take a look from the outside - they're coming in on Saturday because they know they can't be with you on Sunday. Sounds like a pretty good pair of friends to me.

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THIS!

My sister is my MOH and lives in FL. Three of my four BM's live outside of NY, and I am definitely aware that they will have to travel in multiple times and want to make it as easy for them as I can.

Just breathe, take a step back and realize it is YOUR day, not theirs. They are obviously coming bc they want to be with you, but have to leave to accommodate their own lives at some point.

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Posted by Lsorrent

It kind of comes with the territory of asking people from OOS to be in your BP. You have to kind of expect that they may not be there for all of the functions. I actually think it's great of them to even come out the night before - maybe that's their way of making it up to you.

I had a BM that's from California. There's no way I could've expected her to be here for the shower, bachelorette party, AND wedding, and I told her that from the beginning. I was happy she came out here for the wedding for me - didn't ruin our friendship at all.

You're right, Boston is only about 3 1/2 hours away, but you have to remember that just because they're your BM's, that doesn't mean they're at your beck and call. God forbid the one gets called into work (since you said she's on call) while she's in NY......how would that turn out for her? I would step back for a second and take a look from the outside - they're coming in on Saturday because they know they can't be with you on Sunday. Sounds like a pretty good pair of friends to me.

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Thank you for your response. My friend is on call starting Monday morning. My shower is at noon on Sunday. I thought they could @ least stay for the first half of it? Also.. I'm getting nervous they'll bail for Saturday too.. so hopefully that won't be the case.. but thanks for your perspective on this. I guess I'm very hurt they aren't even bothering to tell me..?! And I do feel like they could @ least stay for a little bit of it.. my other friend travels a lot on weekends to see her BF and gets home on Sunday nights.. so I know its not really an issue for her and I just feel like they're making excuses..

i understand and agree with you!

personal story-

i'm sending you FM

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Posted by silyss

Thanks. And thats exactly what my fiance said.. focus on the people who WILL be there and who support you. It's just interesting how sometimes you learn about people in ways you didn't want to.

I just don't know if I should explain my disappointment to them, or just let it go and keep it to myself.

Also one of them is having a 30th B-Day party in June and wants my fiance and me to come out for it... @ this point I'm pretty fed up and don't even want to, but feel that maybe I should.. especially b/c I'm trying my best to avoid making waves.

I always thought BM's kind of HAVE to be @ the shower? Like its one of the things that goes along with being a BM?!

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Your fiance is 100% right! Focus on the people that will be there. I had 2 bridesmaids not come to my Bacheloretter Party. One had a VERY sorry excuse but I let it slide even though deep down I was PISSED! Well now we're not friends and it S*CKS to see her in my pictures! I thought the same thing you did about not wanting to make waves and see how things go after the wedding, well she s*cks at being a friend and I cut ties (actually she cut me on Facebook without even speaking to me, went crazy on me and then wished me well - AKA she has something mentally wrong with her CLEARLY).

It sounds like there is either some underlying issue with these friends or you're beyond stressed out. I would personally speak to them. I have a theroy and it's that if people are in your bridal party, then you should be able to talk to them about anything (I tried this with my 'friend' and she told me 'how dare you question my decisions' and didn't explain anything but then again...she's crazy). If this upsets you try to talk to them. I do agree with another poster that maybe the trains aren't running on a schedule that would let them leave later at a good price. Even if they haven't mentioned it to you yet, talk to them. It's the best thing you can do. And if you are still unsatisified, then cut them out of your bridal party. I wish I would have done it! And now I'm stuck with this b*tch in my pictures!

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Posted by kdm822

I think every bride is having a moment or two where one of our friends or whoever we thought would be there isnt. This alwayss happens to me on my bday. So i stopped getting all excited that so and so would be there. The people who want to be there will be there regardless. Dont let it ruin your day bc everyone who wants to be there will be there for you.

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Very well said. While this isn't the worst thing your friends could be doing, I agree, I'd try to stay for at least an hour or two of the shower.

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Posted by jilliibabii

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Posted by kdm822

I think every bride is having a moment or two where one of our friends or whoever we thought would be there isnt. This alwayss happens to me on my bday. So i stopped getting all excited that so and so would be there. The people who want to be there will be there regardless. Dont let it ruin your day bc everyone who wants to be there will be there for you.

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Very well said. While this isn't the worst thing your friends could be doing, I agree, I'd try to stay for at least an hour or two of the shower.

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ITA....being that I lived in Boston for 2 years and was constantly home on LI for wknds I do not think it's a valid reason for leaving before the shower even starts, I've left at 9pm on Sunday nights before because I didn't want to miss the holiday or whatever was going on that Sunday. Unfortunately they're showing their true colors, do not let it ruin your day, the people that love you will be there.

Maybe your friends are just worried they would disappoint you and that's why they haven't told you. In fear of how you might react. Not saying its right to prolong telling you, but maybe they just don't know how to.

I seen you saying a few times how they aren't even staying alil but traveling 4 hours is far, even by not leaving at a certain time they could be screwed traffic wise, and being in a car all day and having to then work the next. That takes a lot of someone.
I think you have to factor in the traveling into that day as well. But don't let them not coming ruin your day, I'm sure you will have plenty of other people there to keep you happy :)