So I'll make this somewhat brief. My cousin is my MOH and is doing a wonderful job setting up the bridal shower which is coming up in May, as well as festivities the day/night before for my BM's/close friends, and myself. We are doing it the same weekend b/c some of my BM's live out of state.
Well just last night my fiance told me something he felt I should know. 2 of my BM's are coming in from Boston. They are coming in on the train on Sat. morning and spending all day/overnight here on Sat. Well apparently they decided to leave on sun. morning BEFORE the shower b/c 1 is on-call Mon. morning @ her hospital where she works and the other just doesn't want to get home late b/c she has work the next day (don't we all?!)
This is all of a sudden.. they changed their minds and its very hurtful. Plus they haven't even told me about it themselves. I found out last night and I was so mad/disappointed. Isn't this what friends are for?! They can't even stay an hour or 2? The shower starts at 12.. it takes under 4 hours to get back to Boston. So, I'm very confused. I almost feel like, after the wedding, I don't want to be friends w/ them anymore if this is how they are and I can't count on them. But I don't want to make any waves/tension prior to the wedding b/c I don't want to be down 2 BM's.. and I'm almost afraid they'll flake out on me.
Thoughts on how I should approach this? Should I just remain calm and then deal with things after the wedding and determine where our friendships stand?
TIA..
fdnybride163
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Re: Friends disappointing the bride...
i can see both sides of this, they are at least coming down for the weekend to be w you at some point, but to leave so early on sunday is a little odd? maybe the train schedule was a little of like someone said before and it was the only available time for them to get back??
**This could also be a rumor too until they def say it to you, maybe they had talked w someone about going home early as a possibility, but its not def yet**
before you freak out and cut off a long friendship, ask them about it. Be an adult and say ':listen heard your not cioming to my shower, why?' and let them respond. Sometimes this round about, beating around the bush stuff makes it worse!
I would never cut a friendship off simply because someone couldnt make it to my bridal shower...my friends are too important to be so disposable. (and remember not everyone is as excited that its your wedding as you are. unfortunatly)
silyss
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Re: Friends disappointing the bride...
Thank you everyone.
I am not the type to keep things in, so I will talk to them.
I actually found out today that 1 of them wants to stay for @ least part of the shower but the other one wants to leave in the morning.. so we'll see what happens. The 1 that is a bit nicer and more considerate is obviously the one who'd like to stay for a little, and the other is away on vacation right now.. so I'll call the one who seems to be trying to stay for some of it tonight and talk to her openly and in a caring way. I'm not one to be bitchy.
They aren't driving, they're taking the train. I'm pretty sure the train runs almost every hour and my fiance or another friend even volunteered to leave to drive them to the train station.
So we'll see what happens, but thanks everyone for your support and responses.
IrishAli
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Re: Friends disappointing the bride...
Listen, I have been an OOT bridesmaid. I had to miss the shower because we were not only moving that weekend, but I was in the midst of finals and a 5 hours bus ride plus train wasn't going to happen on Sunday night.
Did I want to miss the Shower? No, but if it was important that the OOTers attend, the Shower should be Saturday afternoon, not Sunday afternoon.
I am of the opinion that everyone can't always put their life on hold for you, and all of the events that go along with a wedding.
You can certainly express your disappointment, and I am sure they want to be there, but sometimes schedules and everything don't always work out
pixietina
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Re: Friends disappointing the bride...
I would just talk to them and even though you are feeling hurt I wouldn't start with that. Ask them what they are planning on doing if they are leaving early and such. I would just tell them that it would mean alot if they stay for some of the shower. If they can't you should tell them that you understand if its for valid reason's which it sounds like it might be.
NicoleandMichael
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Re: Friends disappointing the bride...
Posted by kdm822
I think every bride is having a moment or two where one of our friends or whoever we thought would be there isnt. This alwayss happens to me on my bday. So i stopped getting all excited that so and so would be there. The people who want to be there will be there regardless. Dont let it ruin your day bc everyone who wants to be there will be there for you.
This is so true. I had asked one of my friends since childhood to be one of my bridesmaids. She told me, 'Although I'd love to be a bridesmaid, I can't because money is tight right now.' So, I can easily understand this. The real kicker is that a few days after we had this conversation, I saw her post something on FB about how much money she is making right now in her makeup business. I was kinda hurt a bit when I read this, but I guess she isn't that close of a friend after all. I have other friends who (although money IS tight for them, are making the choice to be a bridesmaid in our wedding). So, I do appreciate those who are going to be there for me as opposed to focus on the one who won't be there.
I think that all too often, people nowadays can be very absorbed in their own things and not think about how their actions/comments affect others. I also think that truly GREAT friends are hard to come by. The two who you described that are leaving before your bridal shower may/may not be the greatest friends, but you will have friends and family who do show up for you on that day. So whatever you do, enjoy the company of those who do show up for you, they are the ones that care enough to be there.
silyss
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Re: Friends disappointing the bride...
Posted by NicoleandMichael
Posted by kdm822
I think every bride is having a moment or two where one of our friends or whoever we thought would be there isnt. This alwayss happens to me on my bday. So i stopped getting all excited that so and so would be there. The people who want to be there will be there regardless. Dont let it ruin your day bc everyone who wants to be there will be there for you.
This is so true. I had asked one of my friends since childhood to be one of my bridesmaids. She told me, 'Although I'd love to be a bridesmaid, I can't because money is tight right now.' So, I can easily understand this. The real kicker is that a few days after we had this conversation, I saw her post something on FB about how much money she is making right now in her makeup business. I was kinda hurt a bit when I read this, but I guess she isn't that close of a friend after all. I have other friends who (although money IS tight for them, are making the choice to be a bridesmaid in our wedding). So, I do appreciate those who are going to be there for me as opposed to focus on the one who won't be there.
Thank you so much! Yes I just had a similar convo with 1 of my other BM's this morning and she also talked about how lately people seem very absorbed in their own lives and being kind of selfish. I don't think I ever have been so thankful for the friends that I KNOW I can count on; and its true.. truly good friends who will always be there for you are very hard to come by! Good points.. thank you.
I think that all too often, people nowadays can be very absorbed in their own things and not think about how their actions/comments affect others. I also think that truly GREAT friends are hard to come by. The two who you described that are leaving before your bridal shower may/may not be the greatest friends, but you will have friends and family who do show up for you on that day. So whatever you do, enjoy the company of those who do show up for you, they are the ones that care enough to be there.
linda_art
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Re: Friends disappointing the bride...
Posted by cait625
the quickest way to see who you're real friends are is to plan a wedding. i think all of us have had a moment where ppl have let us down and it sucks. just don't let it ruin your day! this is your special time and if they can't/don't want to be there, its their loss!
SERIOUSLY!
linda_art
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Re: Friends disappointing the bride...
I think maybe think long and hard about these girls. Aside from you being hurt in the instant, how do you really feel about them and them about you. My FSIL, had 2 BM in her wedding and after the wedding they stopped talking to her completely. Aren't even friends anymore. I'm not sure what happened but she tells me all the time that she wishes they would have let her now before hand, if they didn't wanna be there for her that she would have found a way to deal. But now, every time she looks at her wedding photos and these two girls are in them it makes her really upset. So, i wouldn't want that to be me. Sure she could call them and try to make amends, etc... But, why would people do krap like that to begin with. Just makes me question peoples motives. And, I've said it a lot lately, if a person isn't capable of being there for me and is being hurtful for whatever reason, then they don't need to be in my life right now. Good Luck and I hope it all works out!
silyss
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Re: Friends disappointing the bride...
Posted by linda_art
I think maybe think long and hard about these girls. Aside from you being hurt in the instant, how do you really feel about them and them about you. My FSIL, had 2 BM in her wedding and after the wedding they stopped talking to her completely. Aren't even friends anymore. I'm not sure what happened but she tells me all the time that she wishes they would have let her now before hand, if they didn't wanna be there for her that she would have found a way to deal. But now, every time she looks at her wedding photos and these two girls are in them it makes her really upset. So, i wouldn't want that to be me. Sure she could call them and try to make amends, etc... But, why would people do krap like that to begin with. Just makes me question peoples motives. And, I've said it a lot lately, if a person isn't capable of being there for me and is being hurtful for whatever reason, then they don't need to be in my life right now. Good Luck and I hope it all works out!
Thanks! This is partially how I'm feeling. I mean these 2 girls ARE good friends and I know they'll be friends for life, but @ times I do question them.. especially the one that is on vacation right now. I'm going to talk to both of them.. feel them out, see how I feel.. and go from there. But I won't make any decisions until I talk to them. And if it ends up that its starting to get tense & stressful.. then we'll take it from there.
I appreciate your response!
Yankeeelove
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Re: Friends disappointing the bride...
First off I'm sorry you are going through this I have learned that the people you least expect to act a certain way, end up acting that way. It really sucks, and most of the time you feel like you can't say anything w/o casuing a fight. I have had people not even call to rsvp for my shower and not show up, when I went to these girls bridal and baby showers!
I always thought that whatever I did for other people, would be reciprocated back to me when it was my turn, and I'm learning the hard way that people are selfish and it's not true. Even in terms of gift giving, I would go above average for some people I wasn't even close with, and I got no where the same in return. Live and learn and now you know how to treat people and who your real friends are.
itbroi805
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Re: Friends disappointing the bride...
of course you're hurt...I would be too! This is a toughie, as they are semi local. I have OOT bridesmaids that I don't expect to be at all my events and I totally understand that. Is your shower supposed to be a surprise, because if so that's why they haven't told you. What you're hearing is hear se so I wouldn't jump to any conclusions.
If you know all the details then you should just call your friends to ask what their plans are for the shower since you know they are OOT and let them explain themselves. At that point...if they are good friends of yours you should just tell them that you are really bummed that they can't stay a little later. Maybe they just don't understand how important this is and maybe your MOH hasn't expressed it to them.
They're your friends..just talk to them! And if they still don't come or tell you why or whatever then you can cross them off the good friend list.
silyss
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Re: Friends disappointing the bride...
Posted by itbroi805
of course you're hurt...I would be too! This is a toughie, as they are semi local. I have OOT bridesmaids that I don't expect to be at all my events and I totally understand that. Is your shower supposed to be a surprise, because if so that's why they haven't told you. What you're hearing is hear se so I wouldn't jump to any conclusions.
If you know all the details then you should just call your friends to ask what their plans are for the shower since you know they are OOT and let them explain themselves. At that point...if they are good friends of yours you should just tell them that you are really bummed that they can't stay a little later. Maybe they just don't understand how important this is and maybe your MOH hasn't expressed it to them.
They're your friends..just talk to them! And if they still don't come or tell you why or whatever then you can cross them off the good friend list.
Yes.. they don't know that I know whats going on. And its true- maybe they don't know how important it is to me, but I know my MOH expressed this to them, as did 1 of my BM's. So they definitely know. I will call them soon and explain that it is important to me and I'd love for them to @ least be there for a little part of the shower. I just haven't had the chance to talk to them yet...
Irishbride16
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Re: Friends disappointing the bride...
That is just wrong...i bet they would feel the same way if you did that to them...but to tell you the trust there are going to so many other people there that care about you...forgot the two BM .....im a type of people that would not hold anything back and i would tell them in a nice way ...but if your down two BM's is really no big deal....this is your day and dont let two girls mess it up for you....
