Guest list question: is this rude?

I have a friend who I worked with about 8 years ago - 2 jobs ago. She lives in NYC and I consider her a good friend even thought I don't see her very often - about 4 times a year. When we get together though we have a good time.

She has been dating someone for a year now. I have never met him. I planned on inviting her with a guest so that she can bring him, but as some of you may remember, we are having big issues with the guest list. I have another friend who I went to college with - lived with her for a semester - who lives in Vermont but does not have a boyfriend.

Neither of them will know anyone else at the wedding, but I would seat them with some single folks their age and I know that they would have a terrific time. I think they both would come anyway - almost positive of it.

Is it absolutely terrible of me to invite them without a guest???? I haven't done anything yet. What do you think?

I realize this is not the optimal thing to do and I would absolutely tell them to bring a guest if it turned out we had the room. They are currently the only people I was planning to invite with guests because everyone else is either with someone or would know a lot of people.

Please don't trash me! Just looking for honest opinions. You would think 2 people wouldn't make a difference, but it does in my case ....

My personal opinion is that every adult should be invited with a guest, and that is what we did.

I can understand when it comes to inviting someone who has no significant other without a guest ... but the other person who has been with someone for A YEAR?!

I know I would have been LIVID (and declined the invitation) if I was invited to a wedding without him when i was with DH for a year.

Sorry to be the one to say it, but I think you should find another place to cut back.

Awww I would never trash you!!!
I don't really have a solid answer for you. If your guest list is that tight...I think you should talk to your friend who is seeing someone and explain the situation to her. A real true friend should be able to understand and except it.
HTH

This is tricky...It is a totally understandable that your guest list is OOC I'm with you on that!!! ..what I would do is call your friend and tell her exactly what you just wrote to us. Explain that you want her at your wedding and your other friend will be there without a date and although you want to invite her with her BF your guest list just wont allow it. Everyone is different but hopefully she will see where your coming from and say 'I understand I want to be there no problem'.

I think if you just send the invite with no guest and no explanation she might be offended but if you explain she will understand (hopefully)

Good luck!

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Posted by PreshusSmurf

My personal opinion is that every adult should be invited with a guest, and that is what we did.

I can understand when it comes to inviting someone who has no significant other without a guest ... but the other person who has been with someone for A YEAR?!

I know I would have been LIVID (and declined the invitation) if I was invited to a wedding without him when i was with DH for a year.

Sorry to be the one to say it, but I think you should find another place to cut back.

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No, I understand. I had a feeling people would say yes, it's rude. I just wanted to see if anyone thought it was an option. Unfortunately, since these are the only two people being invited with a guest, I can't really cut back anywhere else. The problem is not money - it's room in the reception hall. Only option is cutting people out because right now, I am 15 people over the amount who will fit in the room.

Back to the drawing board I suppose ...

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Posted by jeffamanda080808

Awww I would never trash you!!!
I don't really have a solid answer for you. If your guest list is that tight...I think you should talk to your friend who is seeing someone and explain the situation to her. A real true friend should be able to understand and except it.
HTH

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Thanks hon. I think what I will do is mail my invites in groups. First my family, then FH's, then friends (who don't know anyone else so that they do not think they were on a B list - if they are family friends, they will get the invite when that side of the family gets it). It will let me get no's and feel better about the list.

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Posted by lizzie217

This is tricky...It is a totally understandable that your guest list is OOC I'm with you on that!!! ..what I would do is call your friend and tell her exactly what you just wrote to us. Explain that you want her at your wedding and your other friend will be there without a date and although you want to invite her with her BF your guest list just wont allow it. Everyone is different but hopefully she will see where your coming from and say 'I understand I want to be there no problem'.

I think if you just send the invite with no guest and no explanation she might be offended but if you explain she will understand (hopefully)

Good luck!

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Oh yeah, I would totally explain it to her before sending the invite. She may not even expect him to be invited, being I've never met him. But, I am not sure what I will do ...

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Posted by JBoothIn2008

Unfortunately, since these are the only two people being invited with a guest, I can't really cut back anywhere else. The problem is not money - it's room in the reception hall. Only option is cutting people out because right now, I am 15 people over the amount who will fit in the room.

Back to the drawing board I suppose ...

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Ahhh, see I thought the problem was financial, not in space constraints. But if you haven't even mailed out your invites, and you are *only* 15 people over the amount that the room will hold .... I honestly think it will be FINE!

As much as everyone loves you, there will be people who just can't make it to your wedding. The average rule of thumb is somewhere between 10% - 20% of your guest list will decline the invitation (our % was actually higher than average because of OOT and 'fake invitees' that 'haaddd to be invited').

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Posted by JBoothIn2008

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Posted by jeffamanda080808

Awww I would never trash you!!!
I don't really have a solid answer for you. If your guest list is that tight...I think you should talk to your friend who is seeing someone and explain the situation to her. A real true friend should be able to understand and except it.
HTH

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Thanks hon. I think what I will do is mail my invites in groups. First my family, then FH's, then friends (who don't know anyone else so that they do not think they were on a B list - if they are family friends, they will get the invite when that side of the family gets it). It will let me get no's and feel better about the list.

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I just think that people have to understand that weddings are expensive. Sometimes you have family obligations that take up a large amount of your guest list...and that means less friends can be invited. I'm sure if you send invites in batches things will all work out.

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Posted by PreshusSmurf

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Posted by JBoothIn2008

Unfortunately, since these are the only two people being invited with a guest, I can't really cut back anywhere else. The problem is not money - it's room in the reception hall. Only option is cutting people out because right now, I am 15 people over the amount who will fit in the room.

Back to the drawing board I suppose ...

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Ahhh, see I thought the problem was financial, not in space constraints. But if you haven't even mailed out your invites, and you are *only* 15 people over the amount that the room will hold .... I honestly think it will be FINE!

As much as everyone loves you, there will be people who just can't make it to your wedding. The average rule of thumb is somewhere between 10% - 20% of your guest list will decline the invitation (our % was actually higher than average because of OOT and 'fake invitees' that 'haaddd to be invited').

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Yes, most people have that 10%, but when you are having a smaller wedding, that percentage drops way down. . think of it - if you are only inviting the 100 people or 120 closest to you and FH, the chances are more will come - just because the guest list was a bit more selective, than people who can afford to invite everyone who they would like there.

I think its a good idea to send them out in batches Jenn, just for a piece of mind! I would try and invite them with guests, but at the end of the day, if you can't, then you don't. A real friend will understand!!!

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Posted by PreshusSmurf

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Posted by JBoothIn2008

Unfortunately, since these are the only two people being invited with a guest, I can't really cut back anywhere else. The problem is not money - it's room in the reception hall. Only option is cutting people out because right now, I am 15 people over the amount who will fit in the room.

Back to the drawing board I suppose ...

---

Ahhh, see I thought the problem was financial, not in space constraints. But if you haven't even mailed out your invites, and you are *only* 15 people over the amount that the room will hold .... I honestly think it will be FINE!

As much as everyone loves you, there will be people who just can't make it to your wedding. The average rule of thumb is somewhere between 10% - 20% of your guest list will decline the invitation (our % was actually higher than average because of OOT and 'fake invitees' that 'haaddd to be invited').

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Everyone tells me I will be fine -- but I am soooo nervous that all these people that 'had to be invited' (this is why we are over - Fh's parents have all these people - 26 - that 'have to be invited but almost definitely will not come') are going to show up and then I have to tell people 'Sorry, you CAN'T come because we have no room for you.' How terrible would that be??? I'd look like a horrible person. In our case, if only 10% say no, we are fine. But I am very worried about it - I worry about everything, so it makes complete sense I would worry about this - and my mom is too. Fh refuses to talk to his parents about it. It's driving me nuts so I am trying to think of ways to fix it. My best solution so far is eliminating guests (even though there are only 2 ) and sending the invites out in batches.

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Posted by MrsHtobe

I think its a good idea to send them out in batches Jenn, just for a piece of mind! I would try and invite them with guests, but at the end of the day, if you can't, then you don't. A real friend will understand!!!

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I agree about mailing them in batches as well ...

But in reality, she is talking about a difference of only 2 people. Its not like doing this will save significant space or cost in the grand scheme of things.

Perhaps the hall can use different shaped or larger tables to accommodate the extra people if you don't have 10 - 15 people from your list who decline the invitation.

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Posted by MrsHtobe

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Posted by PreshusSmurf

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Posted by JBoothIn2008

Unfortunately, since these are the only two people being invited with a guest, I can't really cut back anywhere else. The problem is not money - it's room in the reception hall. Only option is cutting people out because right now, I am 15 people over the amount who will fit in the room.

Back to the drawing board I suppose ...

---

Ahhh, see I thought the problem was financial, not in space constraints. But if you haven't even mailed out your invites, and you are *only* 15 people over the amount that the room will hold .... I honestly think it will be FINE!

As much as everyone loves you, there will be people who just can't make it to your wedding. The average rule of thumb is somewhere between 10% - 20% of your guest list will decline the invitation (our % was actually higher than average because of OOT and 'fake invitees' that 'haaddd to be invited').

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Yes, most people have that 10%, but when you are having a smaller wedding, that percentage drops way down. . think of it - if you are only inviting the 100 people or 120 closest to you and FH, the chances are more will come - just because the guest list was a bit more selective, than people who can afford to invite everyone who they would like there.

I think its a good idea to send them out in batches Jenn, just for a piece of mind! I would try and invite them with guests, but at the end of the day, if you can't, then you don't. A real friend will understand!!!

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Thanks, Coleen. I am going to try not to do this. I hope the batches idea will save me. I am inviting about 170 people as is. The room holds 156 plus FH and I - so 158 in total. I have looked at the list a million times, and I do not know if I will have 12 no's!!! I KNOW people say that people you think will come won't, etc.... Everyone we are inviting are really close family or friends. Ugh, can't think about it anymore!!!! I go back and forth between being realllly worried to thinking it will all be fine, of course 12 people will say no!

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Posted by PreshusSmurf

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Posted by MrsHtobe

I think its a good idea to send them out in batches Jenn, just for a piece of mind! I would try and invite them with guests, but at the end of the day, if you can't, then you don't. A real friend will understand!!!

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I agree about mailing them in batches as well ...

But in reality, she is talking about a difference of only 2 people. Its not like doing this will save significant space or cost in the grand scheme of things.

Perhaps the hall can use different shaped or larger tables to accommodate the extra people if you don't have 10 - 15 people from your list who decline the invitation.

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I think it's really most comfortable at 140 ish. So 170 would be ... oh, god. I can't imagine. But it is a question I could ask I guess. (there would be a financial problem if 170 people came, however!!!!) I think they could fit an extra 5 people, at various tables we could squeeze a few more. But 15, not sure.

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Posted by JBoothIn2008

Everyone tells me I will be fine -- but I am soooo nervous that all these people that 'had to be invited' (this is why we are over - Fh's parents have all these people - 26 - that 'have to be invited but almost definitely will not come') are going to show up and then I have to tell people 'Sorry, you CAN'T come because we have no room for you.' How terrible would that be??? I'd look like a horrible person. In our case, if only 10% say no, we are fine. But I am very worried about it - I worry about everything, so it makes complete sense I would worry about this - and my mom is too. Fh refuses to talk to his parents about it. It's driving me nuts so I am trying to think of ways to fix it. My best solution so far is eliminating guests (even though there are only 2 ) and sending the invites out in batches.

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I think you should kick your FH's azzz and make his parent's extra invitees the B list! If they're not coming anyway, it shouldn't matter when they get the invite!

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Posted by PreshusSmurf

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Posted by MrsHtobe

I think its a good idea to send them out in batches Jenn, just for a piece of mind! I would try and invite them with guests, but at the end of the day, if you can't, then you don't. A real friend will understand!!!

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I agree about mailing them in batches as well ...

But in reality, she is talking about a difference of only 2 people. Its not like doing this will save significant space or cost in the grand scheme of things.

Perhaps the hall can use different shaped or larger tables to accommodate the extra people if you don't have 10 - 15 people from your list who decline the invitation.

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Yes, it is a difference of 2 people, but its also sanity I'd be nervous too!!! But I'm a worry wart, so go figure

Of course, it will be fine Jenn, even if you go over they will figure it out!

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Posted by MrsHtobe

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Posted by PreshusSmurf

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Posted by MrsHtobe

I think its a good idea to send them out in batches Jenn, just for a piece of mind! I would try and invite them with guests, but at the end of the day, if you can't, then you don't. A real friend will understand!!!

---

I agree about mailing them in batches as well ...

But in reality, she is talking about a difference of only 2 people. Its not like doing this will save significant space or cost in the grand scheme of things.

Perhaps the hall can use different shaped or larger tables to accommodate the extra people if you don't have 10 - 15 people from your list who decline the invitation.

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Yes, it is a difference of 2 people, but its also sanity I'd be nervous too!!! But I'm a worry wart, so go figure

Of course, it will be fine Jenn, even if you go over they will figure it out!

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I agree - it might make feel better!! As in, 'I have 2 less people to worry about.' But hopefully the batches thing will solve the problem.

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Posted by PreshusSmurf

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Posted by JBoothIn2008

Everyone tells me I will be fine -- but I am soooo nervous that all these people that 'had to be invited' (this is why we are over - Fh's parents have all these people - 26 - that 'have to be invited but almost definitely will not come') are going to show up and then I have to tell people 'Sorry, you CAN'T come because we have no room for you.' How terrible would that be??? I'd look like a horrible person. In our case, if only 10% say no, we are fine. But I am very worried about it - I worry about everything, so it makes complete sense I would worry about this - and my mom is too. Fh refuses to talk to his parents about it. It's driving me nuts so I am trying to think of ways to fix it. My best solution so far is eliminating guests (even though there are only 2 ) and sending the invites out in batches.

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I think you should kick your FH's azzz and make his parent's extra invitees the B list! If they're not coming anyway, it shouldn't matter when they get the invite!

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OH you don't know how many times we have had this conversation. He says that his parents say that these people talk to everyone and they will KNOW they are on the B list. I say, WHO CARES? Tell them up front that our room is small and we want an intimate wedding and that we will invite them if we can! The 'have to' invitees are his grandparents' brothers and sisters, who live in FL or TX and are on dialysis, etc. The thing is, I am not inviting my second cousins because I don't have the room. FH's parents don't get this whole relation-to-FH-and-I thing. They are normally very very understanding - I really love my FILs - but this issue is ... aggrevating to say the least. I want to call his mom and explain, but FH says no. And of course they allllll say 'they aren't going to come, don't worry about it!!!' Easy for you to say!