Having a little problem....need advice please!! (long)

DrmnBlnd Posted: Jan 30, 2003 01:10 PM

Having a little problem....need advice please!! (long)

OK...I'm not getting married until next year, but I am already having problems with my FMIL. She lives in Massachusetts, as do a lot of our guests. She has already said that she wants to give me a shower up there, and not have to worry about all the guests (plus herself) getting to the shower down here.

Am I wrong to get upset about this? I always thought the MOH was supposed to plan the shower, and that there was supposed to be ONE. How difficult is it to make a trip to your future-daughter-in-law's shower?

I haven't told my MOH or my mother about this. I KNOW they will get upset.

I am agonizing over this. My FH doesn't seem to be upset about it, and that he will speak to her 'when the time is right'.

What should I do?

zac1228 Posted: Jan 30, 2003 01:14 PM

Re: Having a little problem....need advice please!! (long)

Actually, my mother is throwing me my shower. Yes, sometimes the FMIL and MOH and BMs chip in, but (IMO) your FMIL has no business throwing you a shower near her so you would have to travel. It's a nice thought, as long as she is doing it for the right reasons. But it seems to me, and I could be wrong, like she is doing it for selfish reasons. My FMIL has to travel for my shower, but if she wasn't willing to, then that's her problem. I would never go there for my shower.

OctBride03 Posted: Jan 30, 2003 01:15 PM

Re: Having a little problem....need advice please!! (long)

You're MOH and mother should go on planning your shower as they wish! I would suggest that they contact your FMIL when they have a date set so that your FMIL is aware of the plans. Your FH's mother and his family should be invited to whatever shower is being planned HERE. If they cannot attend because of travelling and feel that they want to have something special for you too AFTER original shower, NOT IN PLACE OF IT, I don't see anything wrong with that.

I do feel that your FMIL should DEFINATELY attend the one thrown here though!!! I don't think it is right that she is automatically assuming she is NOT coming! JMO!

Good luck! I do feel that your MOH should be made aware of this though.

gabm04 Posted: Jan 30, 2003 01:15 PM

Re: Having a little problem....need advice please!! (long)

My cousins wife had 2 showers. one in new york with mostly his family. and one in Pittsburgh with mostly hers. Her mother and sister came to the shower in NY and his mother and sister went to pittsburgh. this way most people could attend a shower for her.
if you have one down her will your FMIL not come then? if she does not that would be rude. other family up there not so close I can see them not coming here though.

KarenK122 Posted: Jan 30, 2003 01:17 PM

Re: Having a little problem....need advice please!! (long)

When my cousin got married half of her family was in Rhode Island half was down here. We had two showers for her so her guests wouldn't have to make a 5 to 6 hour drive. It actually worked out really well and she was very happy with it. But her mother and her MIL did attend both.

NovemberSue Posted: Jan 30, 2003 01:19 PM

Re: Having a little problem....need advice please!! (long)

I think your shower should be here because that is where you live,and your friends and family live.

regina2 Posted: Jan 30, 2003 01:24 PM

Re: Having a little problem....need advice please!! (long)

Not unusual now a days to have several showers...So have your MOH throw one with all your girlfriends and relatives, and have FMIL through another seperately...

kptoys Posted: Jan 30, 2003 01:29 PM

Re: Having a little problem....need advice please!! (long)

I know this sounds materialistic BUT if you have 2 showers MORE GIFTS. I know its a PITA to have 2 showers in different places but I do agree that your FMIL should come down here for the 'real' one.

Snowboardgirl Posted: Jan 30, 2003 01:36 PM

Re: Having a little problem....need advice please!! (long)

Did she ask you how you felt,or did she just say she was doing this?

I am suprised your FMIL didn't discuss this with your mother yet.

DrmnBlnd Posted: Jan 30, 2003 01:53 PM

Re: Having a little problem....need advice please!! (long)

My FMIL never even said anything to me about it....she said it to me fiance!!!

dubliner Posted: Jan 30, 2003 01:58 PM

Re: Having a little problem....need advice please!! (long)

I agree with OctBride - let your MOH throw the shower. Also, maybe have your Fh tell her that there will only be one shower

HappyEverAfter Posted: Jan 30, 2003 02:47 PM

Re: Having a little problem....need advice please!! (long)

My FILs live in upstate NY, and my FSIL already asked me to tell her a good date for me for her to schedule my shower up there. At first, I was really annoyed, esp since I know that they have no intention of coming to NYC to my real shower (they NEVER want to travel, its a miracle we got them to come to the wedding). But, my mom pointed out that if this will keep the peace, its only one weekend and we will probably do it. What am I supposed to say, no thanks, I dont want your shower, you have to come down here? (of course, thats what I want to say) If you find a way to get out of it, let me know

dcbride Posted: Jan 30, 2003 02:51 PM

Re: Having a little problem....need advice please!! (long)

FI's cousin's fiance flat out told her FMIL- I don't want two showers, FMIL is not going to come to the NY shower and she already got over not throwing a second one

Sassy Posted: Jan 30, 2003 02:54 PM

Re: Having a little problem....need advice please!! (long)

Why the heck do all these FMIL's want to throw showers all of a sudden, I never heard of such a thing
Tell her your MOH and BP are throwing the shower, thanks but NO THANKS.

Claud2001 Posted: Jan 30, 2003 03:50 PM

Re: Having a little problem....need advice please!! (long)

I don't think it's that uncommon for FMIL's to throw a second bridal shower for their FDIL, especially if the majority of FIL's family live in another state that is very far away and most of them would find it difficult to attend the shower that is being thrown by the bride's Mom or bridal party without having to buy a plane ticket.

Personally, I think it's nice that your FMIL at least wants to make the effort to throw a second shower for you, and give FH's family a chance to celebrate your upcoming marriage with you as the bride. But, MA is not that far away really....can't FMIL make it to NY for your NY shower?

In not, and she insists on going through with the separate MA shower, FMIL's plans should NOT IN ANY WAY interfere with your Mom's or your MOH's plans for your NY shower. Tell FMIL that the Massachusetts shower should take place AFTER your NY shower. JMO.

christine1221 Posted: Jan 30, 2003 03:58 PM

Re: Having a little problem....need advice please!! (long)

I would think that as long as it doesn't interfere with the shower your MOH is throwing, then why not? There may be quite a few people who want to be with you, but are not willing to make the trip for a shower. Not that she wouldn't. Personally, it sounds nice that she'd want to make the effort to be involved. You are very far away & this sounds important to her.

Not to mention the gifts you get by having two showers! What's the harm? It would certainly make her happy, so, I say, have two showers!

Jenn524 Posted: Jan 30, 2003 05:36 PM

Re: Having a little problem....need advice please!! (long)

If that's your only shower than I think you have a right to be upset about it. I would suggest talking to your mother and MOH about it to see if they are planning on throwing one here for you in addition to one that you may have in Massachusetts. Good luck!!

Betty Posted: Jan 30, 2003 05:42 PM

Re: Having a little problem....need advice please!! (long)

Both of my brothers live out of town (Rochester and San Diego) My sister and I were in both wedding parties and threw bridal showers for each of them here. We wanted to give them something that all of our relatives from here could attend. I know the one from Rochester also had one there (that is where she is from) and the one in San Diego had one there with people from work.

I think sh was doing this to be nice so you can get gifts (I know that sounds bad) and share in the joy with people from up there. It doesn't mean that EVERYONE has to travel up there. Your MOH can throw you one here.

I know when we did it our sister in laws were soooo greatful and loved it.

natasha Posted: Jan 30, 2003 05:43 PM

Re: Having a little problem....need advice please!! (long)

I live in MD, and my family and half of hubby family live in NY. I had two showers. One in MD, and one in NY. It really wasn't a big deal. They coordinated the showers to make sure that it wasn't on the same date, and I had a blast at both.

karenJ Posted: Jan 30, 2003 05:50 PM

Re: Having a little problem....need advice please!! (long)

It makes sense to have your shower in the state where you live especially if most of your family members and close friends are there. However if your FMIL want to host ANOTHER one in MA, why not?!!!!!. You , your mother and your sister can make a day out of driving up there and having a good time a second time around!! you will be the guest of honor twice!

However if your FMIL is thinking that you should have your one and only Bridal shower in MA hosted by her, you need to tell her that it will not work, period, end of conversation, finito!!!!!!!!!