Having doubts...

Having doubts...

I'm using a different user name, but I have been on these boards for over a year now. My wedding is coming up soon and FI are fighting all of the time. Basically over nothing! Just little things. I know that we're both really stressed out right now, but last night as we were fighting and he was yelling at me I was thinking that maybe I don't want to marry someone who can get so mean. I just stayed quiet and let him get whatever he needed to get out and left the room. That was last night and I have not talked to him since. I even slept on the couch last night so that I wouldn't have to be next to him or see him. When he gets so obnoxious I feel like I don't love him. I think back to the nice, sweet guy that I fell in love with and want to marry him, not this mean, obnoxious guy. When we make up, he always says that he will try not to be so annoying when we're having an argument (like he doesn't let me talk, and butts in and raises his voice), but it hasn't changed. I'm really having doubts and don't know what to do.

Re: Having doubts...

Oh boy... I wish I had some advice for you... just wanted to send you some hugs!! I'm sure everything will work out fine. Whatever you decide will be for the best. Good luck to you.

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This is a tough one...just wanted to give my support and lend an ear...

Maybe the two of you can speak to your officiant about this? Or some other form of couples counseling?

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This is not something to take lightly....
Too many marriges end in divorce b/c people walked down the aisle with doubts.
At least you are admitting it and want to get it out in the open....

Have you felt this before? Is this just the heat of the moment?

Before you do anything....take some time (when you are NOT fighting) to talk to him about how you are feeling....maybe if he realizes how SERIOUS this is, he will listen to you.

If it is close to your wedding, could it just be wedding stress or does he always get mean when you fight?

Think of all of these things....think about your future.

Be strong and follow what your instincts tell you.

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I've felt it before unfortunately, it is not the heat of the moment. I will let him know how serious it is. Part of the reason why I'm having doubts is because I've been in a lot of serious relationships, some even longer than FI and I have been together and have never had this problem before. I always told myself I will never be with a guy who can get nasty. My dad gets like that with my mom and I have too much self-respect to put up with it. It's only arguments but it bothers me b/c he only started being this way about a year after we were together. I was fortunate to have had a lot of boyfriends and to also have dated a lot when I was single. I lived in the city and met a lot of people, so I always felt like I could be picky. I even met my FI through a guy I was dating! I broke up with FI's friend and a couple of months later started dating FI. One of the things that made me fall in love with him and want to marry him was how sweet he was to me and an all around nice guy. Now that's changed...

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I am so sorry.
Do you think its just stress? Weddings are so expensive and the closer it gets to the day,the more stressed out people become.
If you just are not sure that you can spend your life together,maybe you need to discuss it.
Don't ever worry about letting other people down by your decision.This is your life.
We are here for you whatever happens.

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These are serious things- It must be so hard for you. Please think about what you want above anything else. That is more important than anything.

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Honey- you are not the only one.
My FH has a vicious temper. He's a very happy go lucky guy until his buttons are pressed. When he gets mad- watch out. I've seen him get obnoxious w/ his parents & then he started doing it to me. I mean, down right mean things. I know he doesn't mean them, but I don't care how stressed you are, or how mad you are, no one should be spoken to that way.
(I'm not saying I'm an angel. I know I've said rude things too.)
I would talk to him everytime, and everytime he would assure me that he would TRY to be different or try to control it. Obviously you are different people with different opinions, just like FI & I. You're not going to see eye to eye on everything. Perhaps some people have that relationship, I don't. When I finally sat him down the last time, b/c I had doubts just like you, I said just that to him. I told him I was really sorry, I loved him w/ all my heart, but I could NOT be with him any longer if he was to treat me this way. Just b/c I may do things differently does not make me wrong/stupid/crazy/psycho etc... (sometimes I look back and actually think it's funny- sometimes, I still want to punch him!) He did finally realize and admit he knows he's wrong and would make a change. We have not had a 'fight' in months.
I couldn't be more sure of the man I'm going to marry now either. I think it was a good learning expierence for me to learn how to 'approch' a situation w/ him, and he w/ me. (Seems silly that it took us 5 & 1/2 years to learn this) Better late than never I guess.
It is really important- I felt like I wasn't respected etc... you really should figure out a way to 'approach' the topic with him. I feel that his reaction to you will speak volumes.
FM me of you need to talk.
Good luck sweetie! Do keep in mind all his good qualities & always remember why you feel in love & why you said YES

Edited to add that it sounds like a lot of wedding stress- which was mostly our case. However, there are going to be much more stressful things in life that we both will need to handle.

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I'm so sorry for you...it sounds really hard. I must say though-I almost got engaged to someone I had doubts about, and I'm so glad I didn't. Everytime I'd talked to him about the things that bothered me, they would get better for a while...sometimes months...but eventually it would be the same thing. His personality was what it was, and he couldn't completely change it.

Also, it sounds like there may be some verbal abuse going on, and if so---get out now! Verbal abuse can become more destructive after marriage because he knows that it's harder for you to leave. And, it's so destructive.

Good luck, perhaps you could talk to a counselor about this? It does sound like you might want to talk to FH, and seriously think about delaying the wedding until you figure out what is best for you. Also, keep in mind that once you make a decision, you may second guess it, so give yourself serious time to decide what the right thing is.

Re: Having doubts...

I am sorry about your situation with the FH, but I think you really should have a heart to heart talk with him and let him know how you feel. Its ok not to agree on everything, and to have some arguements, but fighting and being mean is not a way to reach a good compromise. Perhaps mention to him that when you guys disagree something, that it must be discussed calmly, without screaming and yelling and treating someone poorly. He needs to understand that you would like to have mutual respect in a relationshiop and such things work only on two way streets.

It may be wedding stress, but if he started getting like this prior to the engagement, perhaps its more issues behind all the fights. Don't call it quits just yet, but do mention to him that you can't live with someone who doesn't respect you.

Re: Having doubts...

u have fm

Re: Having doubts...

Thanks MV1003, reading your message was like you were living my life. We have the exact problems you mentioned. It's definitely not wedding stress as my FI is a big procrastinator and he has not done anything for the wedding. I tried to give him a few things to do, but he let them fall through the cracks and we missed out on some vendors, etc that I wanted. So basically I've been planning the whole wedding. Also, he is not concerned about the cost of the wedding since most of the guests are his and he is saying 'the more the merrier'. He is just stressed out b/c he is taking a big exam on May 31st. Obviously taking all of his frustrations out on me. I need to have a talk with him. The really bad thing is he is going to Vegas for his bachelor party this weekend and I'm having my bachelorette party this weekend. I know that his party is going to be really wild and that concerns me with us fighting right before he leaves.

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Notsure - I'm guessing your FH is a cop (based on the May 31st test) and I think americanpolice once said hers was too? - so is mine and honey I can relate. He is also super stressed out about this test.
Test aside, it is hell on earth to be a cop's wife sometimes. They bring the job home with them a lot, they tend to be narrow minded, hot-headed and temperamental. They also poison each other daily with the whole 'wives ****' mantra. FM me if you want to talk.

I suspect what may be happening here is a totally natural and wholly expected case of cold feet on both parts - and he is acting out and you're not. Doesn't mean he doesn't want to marry you or love you, it means he's freaking out. Happens to all of them. Like I said, FM me if you need to...

Re: Having doubts...

notsure - your last post is really bothering me. you say the verbal abuse isn't that bad????? any type of abuse is bad, verbal or otherwise. you should not feel like you need to walk on eggshells around him - what kind of life is that???? i had that once and i had to get out. you shouldn't have to censor yourself around the person you'll be spending the rest of your life with!!!

this is a hard decision for you - but honestly, people do not change!! if you're counting on that, i think you are going to be very disappointed. have a heart to heart with him - i wish you the best!!

Re: Having doubts...

Julybride444, with regard to his Bachelor Party, he has been to his friends bachelor parties before and has told me what his friends did with the stripper...ie. licking whipped cream off of their bodies, etc. His friends are 'good guys' and only did it b/c they had 20 guys putting the peer pressure on. I don't agree with that behavior, I told him that I thought that that was bad to do stuff like that with a stripper and he said that it wasn't a big deal. He also said that he would be respectful, but if that wasn't a big deal to him than who knows what 'respectful' means to him. I don't care about lap dances, but touching bothers me. If we're arguing before he goes to Vegas he will not try to repect my wishes as much than if we were happy and lovey before he left...does that make sense???

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Karen32...when I said that the verbal abuse isn't bad, it's not what he is saying that bothers me, it is him raising his voice. He gets this obnoxiuos voice when he's mad.

Re: Having doubts...

No FH is not a cop. He is taking the CFA Part II exam and failed it last year (of course he didn't study) so he is under a lot of pressure this year to pass. I give a lot of credit to women who marry Police Officers b/c as you said, they bring their work home and also they have such a risky job that it makes you worry about them while their at work.