Having doubts...

You poor thing...I'm so sorry that you are going through this.

Maybe you should think about, not canceling, but postponing your wedding. How long have you been together? How long has trouble been going on for? Maybe you should think about seeing someone for help. Maybe if he knows how you feel he will think before he acts. We all have bad days. I know I take stuff out on my FH sometimes but when it becomes verbally abusive it cannot continue!

Good luck....FM me if you need me!!!



HUGS TO YOU!!!

Hi notsure,

Well, not to me-it doesn't make sense, IMO.

IMO, no matter what, whether you and FH are fighting or not, he shouldn't do something that you've discussed and said you find trully disrespectful. Especially with another woman, stripper or not.
If you've expressed a concern for something, he should respect that. He should know that either you'll be upset or he'll have to lie to you, and he shouldn't want either of those things to happen-no matter how upset he is with you you should still be the most important person in the world to him, and vice versa...IMO

Wow, I am sorry. CFA II is a b*tch of an exam and hard to pass. I don't understand why he is going to the bachelor party 2 weeks before this exam. Its not going to help him.

Maybe he knows that he shouldn't be going to Las Vegas and should be studying, but feels the guy pressure to go? The last few weeks before this exam were the worst for me, and I remember being super duper stressed.

About this whole whipped cream stuff, its gross, and sounds like he doesn't quite respect your feelings in this area. I would mention how you feel to him and explain how disgusting you find it.

But I would save the serious talk until after the exam... I am imagining he'll be stressed beyond all over next few weeks, and reasonable words may cause friction, which wouldn't be there if there was no stress.

notsure & american police ....

I am sending you hugs for support during a very confusing & stressful time.

All of the advice the girls have given is excellent. You need to take serious stock of your relationship & what you are getting out of it. What price are you paying for being in this relationship? If you get more than it's worth it, but if you aren't truly feeling satisfied, then you must rethink it. The worst thing you could do is to continue moving forward knowing that you feel this way. It will only prove to get worse over time. And we've all seen it happen.

You must listen to your instincts on this. Take some time alone to reflect & let the answer come to you. We all feel doubts from time to time, but if it feels WRONG, then you must take action. I also feel that you first have to decide how YOU feel about this b/f you can talk to FH. You must know that you want to continue the relationship b/f you can work on making any lasting changes. Chances are, that you will continue this cycle of argue, make-up, argue, make-up ... with some good periods in between.

I was engaged to another man years ago & I went through the same thing. It was very confusing & I was convinced that if I could only get back the man 'I fell in love with' that everything would be fine. Well, fact is, that during that time, the earliest part of our relationship, everyone puts their best foot forward, with some hints as to what really lies underneath. I saw some of the signs .. just refused to pay attention.

Luckily, I realized that I was really making a mistake .. I listened to my instincts and avoided a disaster. I am married now to a wonderful man ... and while we do fight, like everyone else ... I know in my heart that he is worth committing to for the rest of my life.

More hugs to you ... Please let us know how things go.

They haven't booked a hotel room yet? But he has plane tickets? Can they change the day on them? If so, why not move this party back to june?

I agree, he should have spoken up about it when you asked him to have it this weekend. But still he hasn't and it looks like things aren't quite planned, maybe its still to not to late to postpone the party and let him lock himself in the library? Can he study a bit in las vegas/ on the plane? That's another option, of course not as good as the library, but not terrible, and if he is using study guides, then they don't even take that much space.

Perhaps I am a nerd, but I know how important this exam is to those taking it, and I am sure he doesn't want to fail it again.

Notsure- I totally understood what you meant by 'the verbal abuse' isn't that bad. It's not that they SAY mean things all the time- it's the fact that they can fly off the handle and not realize HOW they're acting.

Everyone gave great advise! My Mom once told me, 'Pick and choose your wars'. Our fights, mostly regarding the wedding, were b/c yes, he was not planning. I did not expect him to get excited about flowers or pictures, and quite frankly it didn't bother me. What bothered me was then, after I did all the work, he'd have an opinion or question how I was spending MY and a little bit of his money. He'd say we could put $ towards a house. Granted you could. I chose not to. Mainly the HM. He flipped a gasket on me one night hearing how much I was willing WILLING to spend on the HM!!! It's my one and only HM why wouldn't I? It wasn't until I said calmly- look, of course we could spend $ on this, but I think these reasons.. 1.2...3 are why we should do this. Then, it turned into an adult conversation, making adult decisions.
Regarding Vegas, there are always 2 sides to every argument. Chances are he is EXTREMELY stressed about this upcoming exam. Sounds as if he does feel like you forced him to go to Vegas, whereas you could've said- exactly like your previous post... maybe you can go and study for the weekend? Giving other alternatives than Vegas for the same weekend. I'll lay money on the fact that you would get a different response from him had the topic come up that way. Regardless, if everything is NOT settled (perhaps just say those things to him, so he knows you take his feelings into account to?) he should still respect you and your relationship on his bach. party weekend.
You know him better than anyone, just think of how he would understand what you mean... like, I know that's what other guys have done- licking whipped cream off of bodies/strippers/ but... as I don't mind lap dances, I really do not think that is necessary. he'll be more receptive (we can hope)
I agree w/ Alina though- perhaps having the 'heart to heart' should not happen until the test is over. Getting the immediate situation resolved sounds like a better goal to achieve before he leaves.

Alina- you're not a nerd! You understand the importance of it, and are really trying to offer some solutions! Who better than someone who's taken the exam

oh my goodness sweetie, my heart is breaking for you. while i have tons that i would like to say, i first want to tell you that i am so glad that you posted your feelings. plus, i am really hesitant to give you advice because i don't know you, everyone's experiences are different, and you have already received lots of good advice above. right now, what you need and should be getting is love and support and lots of and positive energy! unfortunately, it sounds like you are not getting much of this from your FH and i think that is just terrible.

mainly, i wanted to suggest three things:
1 - please, take the time and spend the money and find a counselor. THIS WEEK! your insurance may even cover it. otherwise you will put it off. YOU DESERVE IT!!! there is no better time than right now to go. you owe it to yourself and to your children who are not yet born!

2 - if you can afford it or know someone who you can stay with, take a real break next week (after the bach parties). don't stay at home (i assume you live together). Go to your moms, your sisters, your best friends. anywhere. this is not a moving out thing. I think all people should have some time alone a week before the wedding! (i am not saying this is right now, but this is the best time for you to take it). just explain to him that you want some refletion time to be alone with yourself right before the wedding and it is important to you and think he should too. again, you are the most important person in the world to you (or you should be) and you deserve to give yourself a little alone time. and i am not saying that you should use this time to analyze all your doubts, i am just suggesting it would be good to sort of 'get away' and spend some time pampering yourself. plus - i doesn't sound like you need to be around your FH during this really strenuous test preparation.

3 - i really would recommend that you two see a couples counselor (in addition to you having your own). I know this is another added time committment, but there really is nothing more important than your health (which i think includes mental and emotional health as well). From your description it sounds like your FH does not understand the seriousness of the situation and would really benefit from a third, independent party helping him to listen to and understand your fears and feelings.

finally, (and i know this is long), i just want to tell you again that you are a special person, and this is a very special time. while i think it is totally normal to have 'cold feet' and to also have spats during the stress of wedding planning, you should never be made to feel that you are not special to your darling future hubby. plus, whether you call it abuse or not, you need to decide if Rage and disrespect are something you are willing to put up with. not only for yourself but for your children.

i have quite a lot of experience with abuse. and therefore, i am super sensitive about it. i would not allow it from the person who will be the father of my children. and while my DH sometimes gets passionate (as do i) and angry (as do i), I have absolutely ZERO Tolerance for Rage. if ever directed at me, i am gone. he knows this. I am not suggesting you have to have the same lack of tolerance, but it is something you need to ask yourself.

i am so sorry to get so personal, but your message really struck a cord with me. I just wish i could give you a big hug. please take some time to do something good for yourself today. you deserve it. Good luck with everything and please do not stress over wedding stuff. that should be the least of your concerns. everything will work out for the best.

Very well stated JoRo!!! You are a very sweet, caring person...and very smart!

Notsure...do everything JoRo said and do it now. You will be glad you did!

I agree with Shamma resolve this before you walk down the aisle.

I am sorry you are going through this.

I have to ask this as my FH is studying for the CFA as well. Why would anyone go away for bachelor party when that exam is looming overhead? If he feels the need to go to Vegas when his certification is within reach, then he has some issues to work out. It seems like he doesn't know how to handle stress. He yells at you when you argue and he is running away when he has a BIG test. Sit down and talk to him and tell him how much you love him and support him and how you want to see him succeed. He may need some support that he is receiving elsewhere and so he choses to bully people to get respect or run away from stress.

Good luck and congratulations on realizing that you have doubts before you say 'I do'

Notsure-

There are NO EXCUSES for his behavior.

For the rest of our lives we will have stress - when we have children, when we are sick, when we lose our jobs, buy a house, when our parents pass away...is this how he will behave every time life is stressful?

If you were my best friend I would say get yourselves to counseling immediately, or get out of the relationship.

Also, even if you are fighting, you should feel secure that he will respect the boundaries with the stripper that you and he discussed. Even in your lowerst moments together there should be respect.

Good luck to you.

many people in the yellow pages do what is called
'premarital counseling' maybe you should go and it will help you make up your mind

Clueless isn't so clueless, that's great advice Really, get help or get out. This is a forever thing, and the money issues/kids/sickness all of those things will be even greater stress than you have now.....