Heartbroken - what now?

I can't confide in my family and friends so I need to post here and maybe get some good advice. I'm heartbroken and don't know what to do. It all started a year ago when my fiancée went back to school for computers. I told him I though he should go to an accredited university. He wanted to go to a well known technical school instead. I agreed since he already had a bachelors degree from a prestigious university. I co-signed the student load with him which enabled him to go. He finished the program 4 weeks ago and is now looking for a job. He has been depressed and weird since January and I couldn't figure out why. Every time I asked he just said he was discouraged because no one was hiring entry-level programmers. I continually sent him jobs from monster, hotjobs and many other sites. He applied to some but not all and just generally seemed to be mopping. I got after him and he kept saying that no one from his class had gotten job interviews (true) and it was a tough market (true). No one would hire an entry level person when they are laying off experienced people. Three days ago my fiancée sat down with me and laid a huge bomb on me, the reason he was so depressed and hadn't applied for many jobs was he had lied to me about his bachelors degree. He had 60 credits, not a degree. He had been dismissed from the university 10 years ago because he partied too much....so he could only apply for jobs that didn't require a bachelors. he lied!...so the jobs I had been sending him he couldn't apply to. All along he has been applying to jobs with no bachelors required (not many out there) and was sending out correct resumes with no bachelors listed, but the resume he gave to me was a lie. The only 2 jobs leads came from personal friends of mine who have the wrong resume. If he actually got an interview with them he would have to decline due to the lie on the resume. I keep thinking he only told me because he would eventually get caught. Why did he lie? He knows I would have insisted he return to a university and get a BS rather than attend technical school. He says he hasn't lied about anything else. Scenarios keep going through my head of times he mentioned his 'degree'. I can't stand it. I can't stand the lie and that my parents and family were lied to. He apologised, we both cried, he asked if I wanted to break it off or postpone the wedding. I just don't know. I love him but I can't stop crying and my whole world is rocked. I feel so betrayed. I don't know what to do. I know he's a good man. How do you forgive someone you feel so betrayed by? This is supposed to be the happiest time.

Heartbroken - what now?

I can`t tell you how to ultimately handle it but I can say this: His issue with his degree has nothing to do with you in the sense that he must have been ashamed or remorseful about it and initially lied to everyone and then, it sounds like it spun out of control - 'the tangled web' Anyway, if you can try to take yourself out of the equation and try to see it less as a betrayal of you, you may come to a better understanding of him and also how you feel about your relationship. Try not to be impulsive in what you do. Keep talking about it with trusted friends or here (online trusted friends) so you can hopefully get some help in sorting through your feelings. Thank you for feeling comfortable enough to discuss it here. Good luck, I empathize with how you must be feeling.

Heartbroken - what now?

I agree with what Elizabeth was saying; on one hand I can see why you would be so upset and on the other it wasn't a malicious lie. It has nothing to do with you and everything to do with him, his sense of self worth, and the obvious shame he feels about not finishing school. I'm not trying to sugar coat it, but it sounds like he really looks up to you. It's like what kids sometimes do with their parents; they lie because they want them to be proud. His struggle between not wanting you to feel about him the way he probably feels about himself and his need to be honest (which I'm sure he feels) unfortunately ended the wrong way. If you make a good team in every other way, if you share responsibilities, ideas for the future, happiness, sadness, and everything else that life hands us, then I think you can weather this. I'm sure you already made it clear to him that his heart was in the wrong place. Help him look into finishing his degree, and depending on your financial status, perhaps he can go back to school and work part time so he can get that degree. Not that you haven't helped him enough, but it sounds like he needs you now. Good luck and please continue to feel free to vent here. Keep us posted.

Heartbroken - what now?

I agree with what Elizabeth and Jenn said. It seems as though maybe he felt inferior to you (do you have a degree?) or maybe felt that others would see him in a different light if he didn't have a degree. I am sure he is very upset about lying to you, and it doesn't make it right. However it seems you and he love each other and can work it out. I'm sure he feels very ashamed about lying to the person he loves most of all Good Luck

Heartbroken - what now?

While I don't have any advice to add to the great advice that the other girls gave, I can say that I know how badly you must be hurting, and I'm here for you. Please remember that there is always a light at the end of even the darkest tunnel. Good luck, and keep us posted. : )

To all male and female type people

For the men: The first thing for you guys to realize is that women are inherantly more evolved than men. No need to protest or defend yourselves or get all huffy puffy. That's just the way it is and the sooner you realize it, the better off you'll be. LISTEN to them. They know what they're talking about and you all need to trust them and their judgement. For women: You must always remember that no matter what THEY think, women are more intelligent, practical, realistic, and psychic. No matter what you need to do to keep the charade going (if they don't realize that simple fact, which most of them don't) YOU are the one in charge and the one that is ultimately responsible for your lives working. As long as you don't really expect too much, you'll be fine. Try not to pity them because they really don't know any better, but there's always hope. They might surprise you someday (if they keep listening and paying attention for a few years!) Good luck to all! Main thing to remember is ....IT'S NOT EASY!!

I have to say this...

...because everyone else seems to be taking the 'oh poor guy' stance. Diva, this could still work out, but only if in your heart you believe that you will trust him again in the future. This was not a little white lie. It was an elaborate deception. He may have a 101 good reasons, or he may not. I certainly couldn't guess. All I have to say is that if you are to marry him, you must believe that he will always treat you with the honesty and respect you deserve as his life partner! I wish you the best of luck, this is going to be a great test of the strength of your relationship... ***BIG HUGS***

I have to say this...

I can only speak for myself and say that my thoughts were less of a 'oh poor guy' response than it was a comment on a realization that it may not have been a master plan of betrayal. I still would tend to think (based on only the information that we know) that it was a lie born out of insecurity that snowballed out of control. Valenia does have a good point about the future too though. In the end, when all is said and done, it is best to find trust in one`s own gut feeling and follow that. Hang in there, diva.

Diva....

There has certainly been some great advice that`s been given on the posts in this thread, however, only you know what applies directly to you and what truly fits your situation. This is obviously a difficult and troubling time for you. In the course of relationships, there are many obsticles that need to be overcome, some more difficult than others. And sometimes it seems too tough to continue. Definitely take some time to think about all your options, what you want and what`s best for you. Try to be strong as you work through this, and try to continue talking this out with your fiance. Anytime you want/need to chat, we`re always here.

Diva....long answer

I agree with Kel that only you know which advice applies to you. However, I think it might help if you and your fiance spoke to a minister or priest or a counselor of some sort. A betrayal of trust is probably the most difficult thing for a relationship to withstand, and getting some expert help can't hurt. I would like to also put a different spin on this. By telling you the truth, and exposing his lie he put his complete trust in you and your relationship. Imagine the agony he must have gone through knowing the he had lied to the woman he loves and her family. Obviously it bothered him tremendously, and he felt he needed to be truthful. I wouldn't go looking for a lie in everything else. He sounds like a good man who made a mistake, as we all do. If your relationship is truly strong it will weather this storm and you will both be stronger for it. Best of luck to you both and let us know how you are doing.

Diva

All of the advice you were given is so sound and thoughtful that I agree with each and every posting. I just wanted to add that this lie that he told you (out of insecurity it seems, and his desire to be more in your eyes) was in the beginning of the relationship BEFORE any of the trust, love and confidence was built. I'm not saying that this was right, but he was trying to win your heart and maybe he thought he had to get a leg up on the competition by telling what to him was a 'harmless lie'...perhaps he didn't know at that time that you would later become his wife and that this lie could actually ruin him. Later, he had no way of getting out of it so the hole got deeper and deeper. I don't happen to think that having a degree is the most important factor in a relationship, however to me honesty is. I agree with the other brides that it seems this lie was not meant to hurt you, but to make him feel less inferior. I know you're really, really hurt now but if he's never lied to you about anything else and he is good to you in every other way you will be able to work through this. Trust is something that is earned and built and remember that you did not automatically have that when you started dating. Go with what your instincts tell you...only you know the right thing to do. I wish you all the luck and happiness in the world.

A long weekend

Thank you all so much for your responses. Whether you realize it or not it really helped me to hear other people (not family or friends with their own drama) offer their thoughts especially other women at the same point in their lives as me. And of course Mark, witness-er of many marriages...for better or WORSE. Your comments made me laugh, whether you intended or not. It brought some light to my heavy heart with your wise observations. My FI and I had a long weekend...fighting, crying, apologizing, laughing, hugging, evaluating our lives and expecations. I am still so hurt but I have a better understanding of what happened and why. His insecurities, disappointments in himself and his self respect. Because this was a lie 'born of insecurity' as one of you said it is a bitter pill but somehow easier to swallow. I love him very much and we will go on. I want to build a life with him. I am certain that this will never happen again and every minute of every day I feel that he will try to repair our life together. He is not my hero right now, as he always used to be. He has to earn that back. But someday he will be my hero again. I guess it just takes time. We take it day by day. Thanks all.....

A long weekend

Good for you for working through it, not just because you decided to stay with him but because you were WILLING to work through it. Believe it or not, not everyone is that willing. Whatever the case, your relationship can only get stronger as a result of it. Without trying to sound like a 'know it all' or anything like that, I will say that being someone`s hero isn`t always the job it`s cracked up to be when you`re looking up at the pedastal. Heroes can make mistakes too, it`s how they handle themselves in the aftermath that shows what they`re made of. Everything you`re feeling is valid. All my best wishes to you.

A long weekend

Sounds like you know what you want and what it takes to get there. Good luck to you both and I wish you wonderful times together.

A long weekend

Diva, I wish you and your FI all the best. It appears that you both have the determination and love to get where you need to be. Trust and respect are qualities which always need to be earned no matter what the situation. Not to sound cliche but I do beleive 'time heals all wounds' and I think you and he are on the road to getting there Best Wishes

Relationships! (between males and females)

Actually, I wasn't kidding (for a change!) I'm really serious with what I wrote. I'm on my third marriage (the only one with kids), I'm 50 years years old and I'm seriously attempting to speak the truth as I know it. If both of you (both of everyone!) can really understand what I wrote, I do believe your lives will move along more smoothly and you'll be happier and more well adjusted in your relationships. Actually understanding our limitations (and each other's) just helps us live in Reality more easily. No kidding!