Honest opinions wanted...

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Posted by MrsTC

i think you are right.

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she just made me blow my stack again.

i said.. look I love you.. let's compromise. I told her julz's idea which I think can work.

She immediatly says well i suggested that and you went off on me.

WTH.. she said nothing about me going back in the evening. I told her bringing up what was said before the olive branch is offered is bad.. because it is. It's childish.

At that point, accusatory remarks are not welcomed. This is at least how I fight.

I can't believe how childish my FW is acting.
I'm ashamed.

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Posted by BMD'sPeanut

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Posted by OctGroom


My attitude is.. This is my MOTHER.

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As much as I can understand where you are coming from (being an only child myself who's very close to my mom) and as sweet as the gesture is, I have to say I think you have to get over this 'This is my MOTHER' attitude...

You're getting married...From that point on things should be only about you and your WIFE...

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I use the phrase, 'I am the woman in your life, not your mama' everyday. But, to say he is being unreasonable when his mom is in the hospital is wrong.
Oct, your FW is having a 'polish bday' as we call it in my family. (We are part polish so no one get offended). It's when your bday lasts a week sometimes a month. In this particular situation your FW is just going to have to be pissed. I don't know if your mom is in the hospital for a broken nail or a heart attack but you need to be with her. When I was in the hospital, I freaked out being alone for 2 hours.

first...sorry to hear that your mom is in the hospital

But as far as you FW is concerned..DAMN!
I dunno..... what is more important in life..
a BBQ B-day or Mom in Hospital..
I think that is a no brainer..
And the fact that you are going to stop in on the BBQ is above and beyond! I commend you for that, i wouldn't!
Yes i love my FH and he does come first but ANYONE in the hospital that i am close to...even a friend... well, the FH is going take a second seat for a moment.
And i am sure your mothers condition is serious if she has been in the hospital for this long, they just don't keep ya if it isn't very important!

again...you mom will be in my thoughts

I am sorry to hear your mom is sick! I hope she gets well soon.

About your FW, she needs to grow up. It's pretty awful of her not to understand your feelings right now. You want your dad to have a break, you're worried about your mom, and with good reason - she's in the HOSPITAL!

Look, if it was like a choice between seeign your mom for anything other than a HOSPITALIZATION I'd say choose your FW. Always put your FW first. BUT, this is about more than what your mom wants - it's about what's good for you! About supporting you in YOUR time of need! Doesn't she get how sad you must be?

I don't think you're in the wrong at all. If my DH mom was sick in the hospital, I would tell him he should be with her!! I missed celebrating his 30th Bday with him because my mom was very sick in the hospital. He was completely understanding and I know that if there wasn't this whole thing planned for him, he would have stayed with me.
I hope that your mom is not that ill and will be well soon, but either way, she's in the hospital and I think she needs you there. I don't thikn it's the same as say if you were going over to your mom's clean her gutters instead of celebrating FW bday with her and her family.

I wish your mom a speedy recovery and I hope your FW will realize that she is being a bit selfish.

Really sorry to hear that you're mom is ill. I agree with the girls, that you are 100% right.

God forbid the shoe was on the foot, and FW was in the hospital. Do you think that it would go over well for her to hear that you'd rather be at a BBQ then by her side, helping & making sure she got better soon?

I highly doubt it. They both need you, but I'm sorry, your mom superceeds this one... she needs you more. An illness isn't something that one can plan or reschedule, and quite frankly, bdays come around all the time (mind you, you celebrated with her already).

Good luck, but I feel bad that your FW is acting unreasonably insensitive.

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Posted by kpny622

OctGroom - I think you are totally right but I'm trying to figure out why your FW would be so unreasonable. The only thing I can think of is that maybe it's her family - I know in my family, everyone would constantly ask 'where is he' and 'why isn't he here for your birthday celebration' and 'couldn't he go see his mother another day?' and 'but he's going to be your husband so he should be with you' etc. As awful as that is, some families are like that and maybe she just doesn't want to hear it or deal?

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To all the Ladies and Gents..thank you for your honest opinions.

Kpny -- you're actually onto something. She has a very bad relationship with her dad and she told me that my being there makes it easier for her to see him. Something I never knew and this was a revelation.

So we talked. It got heated. Even a lil nasty. But then we talked more

Bottomline -- we resolved it.

I'm using julz's idea. Thanks julz!

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Posted by OctGroom

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Posted by kpny622

OctGroom - I think you are totally right but I'm trying to figure out why your FW would be so unreasonable. The only thing I can think of is that maybe it's her family - I know in my family, everyone would constantly ask 'where is he' and 'why isn't he here for your birthday celebration' and 'couldn't he go see his mother another day?' and 'but he's going to be your husband so he should be with you' etc. As awful as that is, some families are like that and maybe she just doesn't want to hear it or deal?

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To all the Ladies and Gents..thank you for your honest opinions.

Kpny -- you're actually onto something. She has a very bad relationship with her dad and she told me that my being there makes it easier for her to see him. Something I never knew and this was a revelation.

So we talked. It got heated. Even a lil nasty. But then we talked more

Bottomline -- we resolved it.

I'm using julz's idea. Thanks julz!

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I am so sorry to hear that your Mom is ill. I hope that she is feeling better soon.

I think what you are doing for your Dad is wonderful. He probably really needs this break so that he can come back 100% to support your Mom some more.

I think that your FW is being unreasonable. I am glad that it is resolved though. But as someone else who avoids being with my father like the plaque, and yes it is easier when DH is with me, my one day of being uncomfortable is not as important as DH's mother's health. Besides if she is that uncomfortable, she should call her father and say that you both have a family emergency and can we reschedule the BBQ for the following weekend. If she is that uncomfortable around him I would think that she would welcome the excuse to get out of it!!!

I am glad it is resolved though


But I think when all of this passes, you guys should talk about priorities and what it means to be part of a family. I am not trying to sound rude with this but God forbid another emergency arises your FW needs to understand that you have responsibilities to her but you also have responsibilities to your parents, especially since you are an only child.

I hope your Mother is feeling better and stronger each day!!

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Posted by dm24angel

Everyone has given good advice, it seems most are on your side, and I agree.....Birthdays come every year, yes they are special but c'mon your Mom in the hospital comes first in my opinion....No-one wants to spend the day there alone and I'm sorry your FW is acting this way. Jealousy is there for sure. I thought what would I do, and while I would be there for FH and screw my birthday , Ithin I can understand maybe a little of how shes feeling, yet I still dont think its right....Go visit with your mom, FW will get over it...

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Not to make excuses for her.. but we both did not communicate well what we wanted to do. I assumed this... she assumed that.. and everything got blown out of proportion.

and we both made a$$es out of ourselves.

I personally think you are right.
You celebrated her birthday with her already.

Yes, the timing is bad but your mom is sick. Your FW will have birthdays every year you can spend with her. Is there an underlying reason that she needs you with her mom and step dad? Does she not get along with her dad or step mom? The way I feel, this is extenuating (sp) circumstances and it's not like it's her birthday this weekend. Maybe she'll come to her senses.

ETA: I see you said she does have a strenuous relationship with her dad. So that's most likely why she's upset. But for once she can put that aside for your mom. I hope you guys were able to work things out.

As far as your dad goes, it might be more stressful for him to go on the trip knowing is wife is in the hospital. Let him cancel and he can reschedule.
There will always be fish in the sea to catch (I mean that in the literal sense not figurtively!!!).

I hope your mother gets released soon and recuperates soon too

I hate fighting in general.. but most especially with her. Don't be thinking at all that's she a bad person. She has her reasons for this.. as much as I disagree with them. (And I was not the kindest guy yesterday during our talk.)

There are so many wonderful things that she does. And we usually only fight when we get lost in the car. (I'm the one who always wants to stop & ask for directions.. haha)

We had some bad communication ast night and it got waay too wild for me.

Well.. hopefully there make-up nookie in OG's near future.. LOL

Just as important..

everyone. thank you for wishing my Mom well!

God bless her.. and you!

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Posted by Jan05Bride

If I were your FW I'd be canceling the BBQ to spend the day with my FMIL so that my FFIL can finally have a much needed break.

A BBQ could always be rescheduled.

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That's what I would do if it was my MIL!!

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Posted by OctGroom

I hate fighting in general.. but most especially with her. Don't be thinking at all that's she a bad person. She has her reasons for this.. as much as I disagree with them. (And I was not the kindest guy yesterday during our talk.)

There are so many wonderful things that she does. And we usually only fight when we get lost in the car. (I'm the one who always wants to stop & ask for directions.. haha)

We had some bad communication ast night and it got waay too wild for me.

Well.. hopefully there make-up nookie in OG's near future.. LOL

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I dont think anyones thinking shes a bad person, thats why I said, I tried to put myself in her shoes and could EASILY see some jealousy or reasoning for her views...I think she has her own reasons and we all do..I only said in the big picture she should lose this battle as it was...lol..We all know how arguements happen, I wouldnt for a seond think she was selfish or a bad person....

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Posted by dm24angel

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Posted by OctGroom

I hate fighting in general.. but most especially with her. Don't be thinking at all that's she a bad person. She has her reasons for this.. as much as I disagree with them. (And I was not the kindest guy yesterday during our talk.)

There are so many wonderful things that she does. And we usually only fight when we get lost in the car. (I'm the one who always wants to stop & ask for directions.. haha)

We had some bad communication ast night and it got waay too wild for me.

Well.. hopefully there make-up nookie in OG's near future.. LOL

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I dont think anyones thinking shes a bad person, thats why I said, I tried to put myself in her shoes and could EASILY see some jealousy or reasoning for her views...I think she has her own reasons and we all do..I only said in the big picture she should lose this battle as it was...lol..We all know how arguements happen, I wouldnt for a seond think she was selfish or a bad person....

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I know.. I 'm sure of that 100%.. but she's my FW and I'm pretty protective of her.

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Posted by OctGroom

I hate fighting in general.. but most especially with her. Don't be thinking at all that's she a bad person. She has her reasons for this.. as much as I disagree with them. (And I was not the kindest guy yesterday during our talk.)

There are so many wonderful things that she does. And we usually only fight when we get lost in the car. (I'm the one who always wants to stop & ask for directions.. haha)

We had some bad communication ast night and it got waay too wild for me.

Well.. hopefully there make-up nookie in OG's near future.. LOL

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So glad to hear that you were able to work things out with your FW, OG ... I never thought she was a bad person whatsoever , I more or less thought she was just not seeing the big picture and was just being unreasonable.

It did sound like it was mainly a communicaiton problem and that hurt feelings and emotions got in the way.. Sometimes fights or heated discussions start taking a life of their own and then you lose sight of what the REAL issue was to begin with .. i think we are ALL guiltyof this sometimes

Have a good weekend and most importantly best wishes for your Mom's SPEEDY recovery