How can you marry someone...

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Posted by 111508Bride

I am the 'OP'. I did not start the post to 'stir up drama'. I am not even on here enough to know what it would take to 'stir up drama'.

That said, I do think it's crazy not to live with someone before marriage...that is my opinion, just as many of you post your opinions on this website.

When I asked the question, I didn't expect so many girls to respond that they don't live with FH. To be honest, I am surprised by the number of girls who don't.

For those of you who took offense to my post, please look at where it is coming from....a wedding chat website. Sometimes I think the girls on the site can be really sensitive. I meant no harm to any of you when I posted the question.

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I don't think it was too much of people being sensitive--I know you said you weren't judging but all the ?????? after you question...made it sound like you were asking it in a way like 'OMG how COULD YOU EVER??!?!' Its the internet--context & tone are hard to read on a message board so it just came off different than you intended.

I didn't live with my DH before we got married really--we moved into our apt. like 2 wks before the wedding and I was really just staying there. I loved it! Honestly I think the whole 'the first year is the hardest' of marriage is load of crap. The first year is fantastic--you're newlyweds, having a great time.

Now making it work beyond that HM phase is when its harder---the cute newness of being a NW wears off and you have to work on your relationship. Whether you live together beforehand or not--I don't think that has anything to do with whether you can maintain a marriage.

DH & I were together for 9 years before we got married. We did not live together before we were married. My family does not believe in that & I was never in a rush anyway.

We are now approaching our 1 YR Anniversary & have had 1 small fight so far where we didn't speak for 5 hours.

Actually, our first year together was a piece of cake ... even though people say it's the hardest year.

Just because we didn't live together beforehand doesn't mean we are doomed for failure.

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Posted by ant n tilde

I am so glad that DH and I did not live together before we got married. When we moved in together AFTER the wedding, our entire life changed and there was a BIG difference between our engaged life and married life and THAT was very important to me. I am also very traditional and it was never an option for me to live together before the wedding.

As a PP mentioned to me, it is sad (for me ) when people say that being married is no change. . .even though to those people they have no problem with it - and thats great for them but for ME I wanted marriage to be an entirely different experience. So, we dated 8 years, were engaged for 2 and then lived together after the wedding - after ten years together. . . we did A-OK with the adjustment and while other girls sometimes say they had NO honeymoon period, we are still living through ours and I don't see it ending any time soon!

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For me it's very similar to what Tilde said--I liked having the change, we were together for so long, it's just fun living together now! Yes, I know there will be hard times sometimes, but the living together piece isn't really it for us! We know each others' habits well enough to know what to expect, and yes that may not be true for everyone, but after 7 years of dating, it worked out I also really like that being married feels different!!

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Posted by Snick n Nick

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Posted by ant n tilde

I am so glad that DH and I did not live together before we got married. When we moved in together AFTER the wedding, our entire life changed and there was a BIG difference between our engaged life and married life and THAT was very important to me. I am also very traditional and it was never an option for me to live together before the wedding.

As a PP mentioned to me, it is sad (for me ) when people say that being married is no change. . .even though to those people they have no problem with it - and thats great for them but for ME I wanted marriage to be an entirely different experience. So, we dated 8 years, were engaged for 2 and then lived together after the wedding - after ten years together. . . we did A-OK with the adjustment and while other girls sometimes say they had NO honeymoon period, we are still living through ours and I don't see it ending any time soon!

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For me it's very similar to what Tilde said--I liked having the change, we were together for so long, it's just fun living together now! Yes, I know there will be hard times sometimes, but the living together piece isn't really it for us! We know each others' habits well enough to know what to expect, and yes that may not be true for everyone, but after 7 years of dating, it worked out I also really like that being married feels different!!

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For DH and I, it really didn't feel thaaat different being married as it did being engaged and living together. I kinda wish we had had that feeling. But we had to move in together because otherwise I would have had to get a place all by myself and worry about the rent and everything all by myself.

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Posted by cbcf

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Posted by futuremrsfab

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Posted by ant n tilde

I am so glad that DH and I did not live together before we got married. When we moved in together AFTER the wedding, our entire life changed and there was a BIG difference between our engaged life and married life and THAT was very important to me. I am also very traditional and it was never an option for me to live together before the wedding.

As a PP mentioned to me, it is sad (for me ) when people say that being married is no change. . .even though to those people they have no problem with it - and thats great for them but for ME I wanted marriage to be an entirely different experience. So, we dated 8 years, were engaged for 2 and then lived together after the wedding - after ten years together. . . we did A-OK with the adjustment and while other girls sometimes say they had NO honeymoon period, we are still living through ours and I don't see it ending any time soon!

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perfectly stated and exactly how I feel- if you choose to live with your fh before marriage, its a personal choice- just like its my personal choice not to live with him beforehand. And I can not wait to live with him- it will be an adventure and its something for us to look forward to

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i feel the same way. I mean obviously I cannot live with my FH anyway because he was either stationed in San Diego, Japan or Iraq (so it would be a little impossible ) But I know we wouldn't have moved in together anyway even if he was home and we were engaged. And I love that we don't live together now. I feel like there is so much for us to look forward to when moving in together. We are going to set up our apartment together and enjoy our new start. And we are both very excited. I think we are more excited about living together than the wedding (but that is also because we never see each other haha)

But either way it is definitely a personal prefernce whether you live together or not before marriage. For us we enjoy knowing that we have new challenges, excitements and steps ahead of us after the wedding. But to each their own!!!

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i agree. for us, living together wasn't an option either because of the military, but we still wouldn't have lived together while dating or eganged. It makes it so special now, that we can see each other every day and that we have our 'own place.' I personally prefer tradition, but that's just me!

i think to each their own.....

FH and I have lived together for the past 4 years, but that is because that is what worked best for us

he wanted to stay in his fathers house and needed help with the bills and i needed a place to live, and it seemed like the best thing for us and it turned out great!!!!

if the circumstances had been different then who knows, hence to each their own

With texting and postings things could seem misunderstood...thats why you should never 'fight' over email and texting.....but enough about that......

I have lived with FH for two years now and I am glad I did...originally I did not want to move in w/o being engaged or married...but I wanted to be with him and it has worked out real well....and its one less thing to do on my wedding list

but people do it all the time and make it work! so its just a preference thing...we have been on a honeymoon for 2 years and I am excited to continue on for another 50

girls that are posting on this thread that us 08er's haven't heard from...where you've been?? We have missed you...

I haven't, I must be out of my mind

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Posted by 111508Bride

I am the 'OP'. I did not start the post to 'stir up drama'. I am not even on here enough to know what it would take to 'stir up drama'.

That said, I do think it's crazy not to live with someone before marriage...that is my opinion, just as many of you post your opinions on this website.

When I asked the question, I didn't expect so many girls to respond that they don't live with FH. To be honest, I am surprised by the number of girls who don't.

For those of you who took offense to my post, please look at where it is coming from....a wedding chat website. Sometimes I think the girls on the site can be really sensitive. I meant no harm to any of you when I posted the question.

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How do you not mean to start drama when you say phrases like 'I think it's 'crazy' not to live with someone before marriage,' that is calling everyone who doesn't choose to do that crazy..

It would be just as wrong for me to say that I think it's 'crazy' for someone to make such a ridiculous statement...we all have our opinions, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't use tact...there's a difference between airing your opinion and being downright inconsiderate and disrespectful to other people's way of living

Well here's my two cents

I didn't want to move in with DH before we married. It had nothing to do with 'traditional' reasons, although I'm not sure what that means. When I think of traditional or conservative (what ever you want to call it) reasons for not moving in with significant other, I think of a woman who has chosen to abstain until marriage and is waiting for her one and only. If that's the case, then I think it's great. But there's nothing tradional about it if a couple is having s e x, but have chosen to live apart due to 'tradition' Isn't the whole point of this to leave your parent's house.....they're giving you away.....but if the couple has already 'done the deed' I don't understand the whole 'tradition' idea and how it'sbeing defined. JMO
Although I know some women that just didn't want to give up their 'freedom' or 'space' until marriage and I don't blame them...lol

Back to moving in with DH. I didn't want to move in and have him get comfortable. I've seen too many cases, where women are upset their boyfriends haven't proposed after living together for X amount of years. That was really my only reason. So, we had a long talk and he understood where I was coming from and respected that. We did move in together and about a year after he proposed.

I think couples should do what's right for them. ALthough we lived together before marriage, there is a big deal of difference after being married. Our roles have changed and will continue to change as will responsibilities. Some people posted 'it's sad', when couples say nothing has changed since marriage. Well if a couple is already happy and solid. Then, what should change, they'll continue on that same path.

For me its easy....I have been with FH since college and we made the decision a long time ago that this is something that was important to both of us...we have bought our coop and stay there on weekends sometimes but both of us really want to wait until were married...

For me I know it makes our parents happy but that isnt the only reason we did it....to each their own I feel ... some of my friends think Im nuts and I can certainly see the pro's to living together but for me I like it this way

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Posted by JoesFutureWife

In response to the question then may i ask the OP how do you know your FH will be a good father unless he has kids already? In either case you dont know. You hope you know the person well enough to know that you cannot even imagine what life would be like without him in it. You have faith in him that he will do whatever it takes to work with you and be there for you as your best friend, partner, lover, etc.

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Im just reading through this....and I think this was very well said

well my therory about living with him before we were married or engaged was why give him the milk for free?

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Posted by lizzie217

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Posted by JoesFutureWife

In response to the question then may i ask the OP how do you know your FH will be a good father unless he has kids already? In either case you dont know. You hope you know the person well enough to know that you cannot even imagine what life would be like without him in it. You have faith in him that he will do whatever it takes to work with you and be there for you as your best friend, partner, lover, etc.

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Im just reading through this....and I think this was very well said

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that is deffinately a good point. you do get married based on a faith that the person you're marrying is THE ONE. I feel like i always knew joe was the one though...to each their own...for me though...my only other option was uprooting my life and moving to virginia with my mom. i had already been with joe for 6 years and there was no way i was going to move away and just leave him...so I got my own apt. and he moved in. it made sense to us to live together bc he couldn't be living with his parents at the age of 25...he needed his privacy and we certainly didn't want to each be paying seperate rents and bills.

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Posted by Soon2beAlberti

I think its an honest question. After living with FH for about 3 yrs and having him sleep over most nights before that...I couldn't imagine marrying someone I didn't live with...only because now...I know ALL his habits...and STILL choose to marry him. but when you don't live with someone...even if they stay over once in a while...you don't always get the full picture of how they live...and for some people...no matter how much you love that person on a personality / romance level...their hygiene or idiosyncrasies can be a deal breaker. sometimes people behave differently when they are living more as a 'guest' in a space rather than on a day to day basis. you may find that as he gets comfortable...he farts in the bed, or leaves the toilet seat up, or leaves clothes on the floor...or maybe he just doesn't empty his pockets before you do laundry...maybe he likes to sit naked on the couch or something stupid...but believe it or not...smaller things have led to divorce. so i don't think its a rude question...just an honest one.

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The question was not a bad question, it was the way the question was presented that was the problem. People have their own ways of living, being the way they were brought up or there beliefs or otherwise. Theres nothing wrong with each side of the argument, however using phrases like 'crazy' and insinuating its a bad choice is just poor tact and leads to drama. I mean the OP stated she bought a house with her FH before being married or even engaged, I myself would never do that.. Cause if the relationship doesnt work.. then what.. but it doesnt make it wrong.. just not something i would do.

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Posted by eleven29bride

God, so much unnecessary drama over a simple question. Some get so sensitive.. RELAX.

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The problem is, it wasn't just a simple question...when questions dealing with topics like that are asked in an untactful way , it's only natural that people will take offense to it