Huge Argument with FMIL... AND now FH! :-(

Original post by sarahradio5

Sep 28, 2006 11:23 PM

I just can't take anymore!!!

I just got a call from my FH's mom... UPSET that this relative from Arizona, who I never met before, was invited without a date! She's like, 'Sarah... you can't invite people without dates. They're very upset. The whole family is talking and they think it's very rude. He doesn't even want to come now.' I've NEVER MET HIM BEFORE. The only name I had in my address book, which she wrote, from the engagement party, which is the same list I worked off of for the wedding, was his! And GOD KNOWS my fiance didn't help me with the invitations... he probably wouldn't have known this guy had a girlfriend anyway. So I told her that because our guest list was approaching 200, we had to limit it by only inviting those who were in serious relationships. She's never heard of that! She said I'm going to end up insulting a lot of people and they're not going to come. UM... EXCUSE ME... but when YOU start paying ONE DIME into the wedding, MAYBE you can have a say! While it's just my parents and our credit cards, then SHUSH. So, I told her that since I wouldn't know this person from a stranger in the mall, and I've never spoken to him, could she please pass along to him that it was an oversight and he can bring his girlfriend? She said she would, but she went on and on about how I should have picked a different way to limit my guest list - or had a cheaper wedding. AND brought up how my FH's sister, who ISN'T dating anyone, can't bring anyone and how can they have a good time? MY OWN BROTHER ISN'T INVITED WITH A DATE. My MOTHER'S COUSIN ISN'T INVITED WITH A DATE... and he's 50+, and is totally understanding about it! I just don't get the NERVE of calling me about this when my family is paying for the WEDDING!!!

YES... this is the same woman who gave me a 'we'll see' a couple of months back when I asked if I could invite my uncle from PA to the Rehearsal Dinner!!

And... NO... nothing about how pretty the invitations looked.

So, after hearing this after already telling her to pass along my apologies and inviting his girlfriend, yet still hearing how upset the WHOLE FAMILY is and how she has to take the brunt of the complaining and how she wouldn't have done it the way I did and how EMBARRASSING it is... I lost it! I just started crying and threw the phone on the couch, which my FH thought I was throwing at HIM, so he threw the phone on the floor and the battery fell out. So WE were arguing because he thought I hung UP on his mom and I was upset that he wasn't supporting me. She called back 15 minutes later upset that I hung up on her, which I told her I didn't. She said she was gonna drop it now and just forget it and tell him that he can add one to his RSVP. But it's too late... me and FH are in a huge fight and he just left for work.

Updates throughout...

sarahradio5 Posted: Sep 29, 2006 07:40 AM

Re: Huge Argument with FMIL... AND now FH! :-(

thank you... I know. I can't imagine how puffy my eyes look this morning. And I feel like throwing up! My FH comes home in an hour, but I have to leave for work in an hour and a half. I know him... there will be no apology with this if he thinks I hung up on his mom. WHICH I DIDN'T.

By the way... I've been thinking and thinking and going over the conversation and I remembered that when I told her that I didn't know he had a girlfriend and asked if he was in a serious relationship, she kind of skirted around it by saying, 'well, yeah, he has someone who he goes on long trips with.'.

I can see not wanting to come from AZ by yourself, but if that's the case, ASK me if he would be able to take someone. My own UNCLE/Godfather was invited SOLO, but IF he wanted to take someone, he can ASK us. Don't make me feel like I'm the WORST person on earth by doing this, and DON'T insult me and my family when we're hosting a wedding with no limitations on YOUR guest list, where YOU'RE not paying a DIME. I'm just SO taken aback by this, you have NO idea (well, I'm sure you do... but my FH doesn't get why I'm so upset, and he will stick up for his mom to the end when it comes to this finance stuff).

sarahradio5 Posted: Sep 29, 2006 07:43 AM

Re: Huge Argument with FMIL... AND now FH! :-(

Posted by glinda_goodwitch

Well you know what? That's HER fault for not specifying her requests when she gave you the guest list in the first place. If she said 'I'd like all my family to be invited with guests' then at least you would have a starting point. It's NOT something that is always done, and she just assumed. You've got enough going on with planning that she should have at least given you that information. What, like you can read minds? It just makes me mad

exactly... No... she said 'she's never heard of this before' (i.e., not inviting people without guests). GUESS WHAT?!?!? People DO IT ALL THE TIME who PAY FOR WEDDINGS!!! Because they want to have a nice wedding, but they're not MADE OF MONEY!

rojerono Posted: Sep 29, 2006 08:02 AM

Re: Huge Argument with FMIL... AND now FH! :-(

Your FSIL won't have a good time at her brother's wedding with her entire family there because she can't bring a date? Is your FMIL KIDDING? That has to be one of the stupidest things I have ever heard.

I have gone solo to weddings. You go to a wedding becuase you care about one or both of the people getting married. You go because you want to celebrate with them and be there to watch them begin their 'happily ever after..' You don't go because it is a night of dancing and drinking for you and your current flame.

I am really sorry you have to deal with this. Just dry your eyes, wash your face and tell your FH that 1. You did NOT hang up on his mother.
2. He needs to either get another job to pick up the tab for any extras that his mom will want to include or talk to her about the fact that some people are NOT going to be able to bring dates. And if they really feel like they don't want to be there and celebrate with the married couple... well then they probably SHOULD stay home.

kahlua716 Posted: Sep 29, 2006 09:22 AM

Re: Huge Argument with FMIL... AND now FH! :-(

Your FMIL sounds like a piece of work...like all the MILs you see on TV. You and FH will work it out...remember that stress is high right now. It will all be over soon, so just try to enjoy the last days before you're a married woman DESPITE your MIL.

kittythestray Posted: Sep 29, 2006 09:25 AM

Re: Huge Argument with FMIL... AND now FH! :-(

Posted by lipglossjunky73

I invited people without dates. Deal with it, plain and simple. Half the people invited to my wedding, I never saw before, and never will see again. If they are insulted, they dont have to show up...

I really wouldnt even have a conversation about it.

Its not her wedding, and thats that.

I have to agree - I have not, from day one, let anyone bully me about my choices - they're OUR (me & FHs) choices for OUR wedding that WE are paying for. Be strong!!

Maybride07 Posted: Sep 29, 2006 09:27 AM

Re: Huge Argument with FMIL... AND now FH! :-(

Thats BS! You do what you want to do its your day!! Try not to be upset.

staceylacey Posted: Sep 29, 2006 09:34 AM

Re: Huge Argument with FMIL... AND now FH! :-(

Sorry she has NO say in who gets invited because she is not paying. Im sorry you have to deal with that. Stay strong and hold your ground. We are all behind you....Print this up and show your FH

Shellycakes123 Posted: Sep 29, 2006 09:37 AM

Re: Huge Argument with FMIL... AND now FH! :-(

did u talk to your FI, what happened

kitty1224 Posted: Sep 29, 2006 09:47 AM

Re: Huge Argument with FMIL... AND now FH! :-(

Hang in there Sarah, you have a couple more days left till your wedding. You FMIL is acting like a B****T, she was going out of her way to make you feel like s**t. I hate when people who play no role in the wedding have alot to say. Your FM knows this is a crazy time for you. Hang in there.

SeptBride70 Posted: Sep 29, 2006 10:47 AM

Re: Huge Argument with FMIL... AND now FH! :-(

Posted by lipglossjunky73

I invited people without dates. Deal with it, plain and simple. Half the people invited to my wedding, I never saw before, and never will see again. If they are insulted, they dont have to show up...

I really wouldnt even have a conversation about it.

Its not her wedding, and thats that.

EXACTLY!!

We are not inviting everyone with guests either. I'm SO sorry you need to deal with this right now. Where the hell does she come off?! She is not paying a cent for the wedding-- how can she expect you to invite all these people? How can she put your parents out like that-- it's like going to a restaurant and ordering stuff on your parents tab! I mean, where do people get their balls?!

Has anyone stopped and said to her that she is not paying anything-- and has anyone asked her WHAT makes her think she has the right to dictate who you invite when she is not laying out the money?! CRAZY!!!

It's just not right-- but you know what? You might have to come right out and say it-- you might have to say listen, I'm sorry that I could not invite everyone with a guest but my parents can't afford it... they are paying for a lot of other things. And tell her the truth-- that you did not discriminate-- you didn't invite your own family with guests who were not in serious relationships.

I would explain to your FH the same thing and say I'm sorry but my hands are tied-- and honestly, I would tell them that if they have anything else to say (meaning him or his Mom) that they should take it up with your parents b/c they are the ones footing the bill so you really can't speak for them and their finances...

I would have forwarded her complaint RIGHT to your parents-- let HER tell THEM that what they are doing 'isn't enough'-- how dare she!!!

So sorry

BTW, Drinks soon??

sarahradio5 Posted: Sep 29, 2006 11:14 AM

Re: Huge Argument with FMIL... AND now FH! :-(

Posted by STBMrsDaniRella

We are not inviting everyone with guests either. I'm SO sorry you need to deal with this right now. Where the hell does she come off?! She is not paying a cent for the wedding-- how can she expect you to invite all these people? How can she put your parents out like that-- it's like going to a restaurant and ordering stuff on your parents tab! I mean, where do people get their balls?!

Has anyone stopped and said to her that she is not paying anything-- and has anyone asked her WHAT makes her think she has the right to dictate who you invite when she is not laying out the money?! CRAZY!!!

It's just not right-- but you know what? You might have to come right out and say it-- you might have to say listen, I'm sorry that I could not invite everyone with a guest but my parents can't afford it... they are paying for a lot of other things. And tell her the truth-- that you did not discriminate-- you didn't invite your own family with guests who were not in serious relationships.

I would explain to your FH the same thing and say I'm sorry but my hands are tied-- and honestly, I would tell them that if they have anything else to say (meaning him or his Mom) that they should take it up with your parents b/c they are the ones footing the bill so you really can't speak for them and their finances...

I would have forwarded her complaint RIGHT to your parents-- let HER tell THEM that what they are doing 'isn't enough'-- how dare she!!!

So sorry

BTW, Drinks soon??

Drinks sound good...

I had to call in sick today because I got in a huge fight with my FH when he got home. Apparently, he agrees with his mom! In all honesty, we don't really discuss too much about the wedding, because he's just not into wedding planning, so I don't bother him with it. He said he cares about the vows, but not the party. So I really do all this myself. But apparently he thinks i'm 'WRONG' in not inviting people with guests. Well, TOO G*D DAMNED BAD. You wouldn't have HAD an opinion about it if your mom didn't call all upset about it. And if she would have called and asked if someone could BRING a guest, the answer would have been yes, so really it's a non-issue. You want to put the money where your mouth is, you can have an opinion. And I just called his mom to tell her that, too. She was upset that it seems that no one was able to offer a differing opinion about this, and I said, 'well, no... not when my parents are PAYING FOR EVERYTHING!' And I said, 'if Joe wanted his side to be able to all bring guests, then he should have gotten a second job to be able to invite them.' She said, 'Saarahh...', like I was being UNREASONABLE to suggest that! WHY THE F#$K is THAT so unreasonable, but my DAD working past retirement age, while SHE IS retired and requesting a blown up guest list, isn't unreasonable??

As far as them bringing it up with my parents... oh, no... my parents can NEVER know about this. They would FLIP OUT.

The whole exchange just feels VERY ungrateful to me from my FH's whole side. All my parents are doing, and they want MORE!!?!??!!? What NERVE!!! You have NO idea how INFURIATED I am!!!

AND my FH are in a HUGE fight now. I'm glad it's a miserable day. It matches my mood.

kathrynlinton Posted: Sep 29, 2006 12:03 PM

Re: Huge Argument with FMIL... AND now FH! :-(

I am sorry that you FH are fighting over this. Did he not realize that people were not being invited with dates?

Listen, you did the right thing, you made a rule about who was getting invited and you stuck to it. That is all you can do. Our rule was anyone over 21 could bring a date, but our guest list was smaller.

We had our own nightmares (SIL wanting to bring her 4 month old anyone?) but in the long run, everything will be fine and ALL of this will be forgotten. I know it doesn't feel that way, but it will. I promise you.

ETA: Don't fight with FH, just say 'I am sorry that we didn't communicate properly on this, and we can deal with it'. I think that it seems like you both get very emotional in the moment and then things are said that you don't mean, so just try to work through it with him

sarahradio5 Posted: Sep 29, 2006 12:11 PM

Re: Huge Argument with FMIL... AND now FH! :-(

Posted by kathrynlinton

I am sorry that you FH are fighting over this. Did he not realize that people were not being invited with dates?

Listen, you did the right thing, you made a rule about who was getting invited and you stuck to it. That is all you can do. Our rule was anyone over 21 could bring a date, but our guest list was smaller.

We had our own nightmares (SIL wanting to bring her 4 month old anyone?) but in the long run, everything will be fine and ALL of this will be forgotten. I know it doesn't feel that way, but it will. I promise you.

ETA: Don't fight with FH, just say 'I am sorry that we didn't communicate properly on this, and we can deal with it'. I think that it seems like you both get very emotional in the moment and then things are said that you don't mean, so just try to work through it with him

the rule was more, if they were in a serious relationship, they could bring them. If not, then no - unless they asked us. We're not being hard-asses about it... it's just not a free for all date-night at my parents' expense. My FH knew that his friends weren't being invited with dates... it's just an issue b/c his mom called upset that 'she's embarrassed'. Why would SHE be embarrassed if she's not hosting the wedding? It really was an oversight if this person is in a relationship with someone. My supervisor is in a serious relationship, so he was invited 'with guest'. Another coworker - older man - is single, and not dating anyone that I know about, so he wasn't invited with guest. If he ASKED to bring someone, I would say YES. It's NOT that difficult, and it wasn't meant to be rude or insulting. I would hope that he and she know me better than that and would defend me to the family rather than join the witch hunt!

Shellycakes123 Posted: Sep 29, 2006 12:17 PM

Re: Huge Argument with FMIL... AND now FH! :-(

ummm..ok heres what i think...i think telling her that your parenst are paying so too bad...was just out of anger...i would feel exactly the same way but maybee that was wrong, but shes being a ***** soo who cares...if you fi wanted his side to have guests he should have said it form the beginning to you...also...why did his mom wait untill now, im sure the invites went out a while ago....people are just so rude

Kara and Todd Posted: Sep 29, 2006 12:38 PM

Re: Huge Argument with FMIL... AND now FH! :-(

Posted by sarahradio5

thanks, ladies. I just can't stop crying. And the fact that my FH left without saying anything to me just makes it all worse. FINE... you don't want to make your mom pay a dime into the wedding? GREAT. But don't stand there while she DICTATES to MY more than generous parents how to invite people! Don't you DARE.

And what does he get mad about?? That he thinks I hung UP on her! Not that SHE upset me during this stressful time... but that he thinks I hung up on her when I couldn't take hearing how WRONG I was after I already apologized and gave in!

Hoepfully your FH will come to his senses, come home, and apologize. Then HE needs to call his mother and explan EXACTLY what you are saying.

sfmullen Posted: Sep 29, 2006 12:44 PM

Re: Huge Argument with FMIL... AND now FH! :-(

OK where are we going for drinks!

sarahradio5 Posted: Sep 29, 2006 01:19 PM

Re: Huge Argument with FMIL... AND now FH! :-(

Posted by Kara and Todd

Hoepfully your FH will come to his senses, come home, and apologize. Then HE needs to call his mother and explan EXACTLY what you are saying.

try this instead...

come home, ignore me when I was trying to get to the bottom of what happened last night, then get into an all out war where we said a LOT of crap, then a few hours later - just when I think things are calming down - tell me he's going to his friend's house for the weekend to 'get away'. He said he doesn't want to fight all weekend, and this is for the best in this situation. He kissed me goodbye and left. I know he didn't 'storm out angry', but I don't believe in 'leaving' to solve problems. I can't stop crying. I hate this, and I can't believe this was all because of last night's phone call from his mom. He agrees with his mom and thinks I disrespected her by hanging up on her, even though I swore up and down that I didn't hang up on her.

By the way... had to call in sick - with no sick time left - because there was NO way I could go to work today!

I know this will blow over and it probably IS best to have this space for a couple of days... but I can't wait for this crap to STOP.

SeptBride70 Posted: Sep 29, 2006 01:21 PM

Re: Huge Argument with FMIL... AND now FH! :-(

CLMon7906 Posted: Sep 29, 2006 01:25 PM

Re: Huge Argument with FMIL... AND now FH! :-(

Posted by sarahradio5

Posted by Kara and Todd

Hoepfully your FH will come to his senses, come home, and apologize. Then HE needs to call his mother and explan EXACTLY what you are saying.

try this instead...

come home, ignore me when I was trying to get to the bottom of what happened last night, then get into an all out war where we said a LOT of crap, then a few hours later - just when I think things are calming down - tell me he's going to his friend's house for the weekend to 'get away'. He said he doesn't want to fight all weekend, and this is for the best in this situation. He kissed me goodbye and left. I know he didn't 'storm out angry', but I don't believe in 'leaving' to solve problems. I can't stop crying. I hate this, and I can't believe this was all because of last night's phone call from his mom. He agrees with his mom and thinks I disrespected her by hanging up on her, even though I swore up and down that I didn't hang up on her.

By the way... had to call in sick - with no sick time left - because there was NO way I could go to work today!

I know this will blow over and it probably IS best to have this space for a couple of days... but I can't wait for this crap to STOP.

you might not like it, but at least he won't be around screaming, sulking and causing more drama this weekend. this will die down and you'll move on...like i said, he removed himself from a situation he knew would only lead to trouble...you should see the positive in that.

sarahradio5 Posted: Sep 29, 2006 01:28 PM

Re: Huge Argument with FMIL... AND now FH! :-(

Posted by CLMon7906

Posted by sarahradio5

Posted by Kara and Todd

Hoepfully your FH will come to his senses, come home, and apologize. Then HE needs to call his mother and explan EXACTLY what you are saying.

try this instead...

come home, ignore me when I was trying to get to the bottom of what happened last night, then get into an all out war where we said a LOT of crap, then a few hours later - just when I think things are calming down - tell me he's going to his friend's house for the weekend to 'get away'. He said he doesn't want to fight all weekend, and this is for the best in this situation. He kissed me goodbye and left. I know he didn't 'storm out angry', but I don't believe in 'leaving' to solve problems. I can't stop crying. I hate this, and I can't believe this was all because of last night's phone call from his mom. He agrees with his mom and thinks I disrespected her by hanging up on her, even though I swore up and down that I didn't hang up on her.

By the way... had to call in sick - with no sick time left - because there was NO way I could go to work today!

I know this will blow over and it probably IS best to have this space for a couple of days... but I can't wait for this crap to STOP.

you might not like it, but at least he won't be around screaming, sulking and causing more drama this weekend. this will die down and you'll move on...like i said, he removed himself from a situation he knew would only lead to trouble...you should see the positive in that.