Brides Helping Brides ™ - I cant believe this...long please help

Jen2999 Posted: Jun 14, 2005 05:58 AM

I cant believe this...long please help

One of my bridesmaids ( a friend from highschool) deicded to tell me last night through IM that she doesnt think she can be in my bridal party because she is in another wedding in DECEMBER in florida and it is too expensive for her. She said it is putting unneccesary stress on her to find a job (she just graduated grad school...her parents have paid for EVERYTHING for her her entire life) and she wants time to 'breath' before she has to find a real job. I was so upset and crying because my two best friends are in med school and arent working... barely scarpping by yet they wouldnt dream of not being in my wedding.

I feel like she is being completely selfish.. I mean you have to see the convo.... its all about money. Its almost as if she were saying Im not a close enough friend for her to be paying 'all this' money.. I havent even LOOKED at bridesmaid dresses yet and my shower is MONTHS away.

I guess it is better she dropped out now, but what do I do... most of my possibilities for breidsmaids already now we asked everyone and its so tacky to be a B list bridesmaid.

We are just so very hurt because she is really not under any more stress financially or otherwise then anyone else in our group of friends.

Lately I feel like I dont even want thsi wedding anymore because people are just so self centered and cant even be happy for us. I have gotten sooooo much **** for trying to plan a damn BBQ for an e party that I cant imagine how it will be for the wedding. People take all the fun out of it.

Thanks for reading this and please offer advice. It ***** because there are other girls I would have LOVED to ask but I chose her and now I feel I am stuck with an uneven bridal party

kissy27 Posted: Jun 14, 2005 07:30 AM

Re: I cant believe this...long please help

I am so sorry that you are going through this...Just think though, it is better that she drops out now rather then after the dresses are already ordered....

Money is tight for everyone!!! I am the MOH in my best friends wedding in July 06, 3 months after mine & of course money is going to be tight but I would not dream of missing it for the world!!! OUt of my BM's 2 of them will be giving birth & not working prior to the wedding & I made sure they were ok with spending the $$ bc I know it is going to be difficult...Of course if anyone of my BM is in a bind & needs $$ I am more then happy to give them what I can...

Maybe your BM just doesn't want to be in the BP & figures $$ is the only way out of it....I don't like to judge people, but in my opinion, friends go the extra length for friends no matter the situation!!!

Now asking someone else, it isn't so much a B list of the bridal party...Regardless of when you ask some, I think they should be honored to be a special part of your day!!! I would ask someone else definately!!

Don't get so stressed about what other's say about your wedding or even your engagement party...It is your day, your way everyone seems to have an opionion when you are getting married, just try to block them out & go on with your plans with your FH!

JessicaM. Posted: Jun 14, 2005 10:11 AM

Re: I cant believe this...long please help

all I can say is now you know who your friends are. it may be trite and cliche, but it's a cliche for a reason.

I feel your pain about trying to plan a bbq e-party- no one can seem to make the time in their schedule for us. it's really frustrating but also hurtful- something that is so big for me and FH and those closest to us can't seem to find the time in their 'busy' lives

one thing is this- I would ask someone else. depending on how close you are, you can explain the story or you can just say you were still up in the air, figuring out who you wanted....

Good luck and lots of

ChrissynRicky Posted: Jun 14, 2005 10:53 AM

Re: I cant believe this...long please help

I'm so sorry that you're going through this, and I think it's terrible that she told you over IM - there's nothing more IMPERSONAL.

JMO: I think it's best that she tells you NOW that she can't afford it. It's tough being a BM and shelling out a lot of cash. Unless you're willing to help her out w/the costs, if it's costs that's the REAL PROBLEM...you can't blame someone for not wanting to shell out that much cash in a short amount of time. Everyone's situation is different, so you can't compare your other BM's to her.

Mystere Posted: Jun 14, 2005 11:03 AM

Re: I cant believe this...long please help

I'm so sorry you have to go through this!! I don't see a problem with asking someone else - they will understand!! I was a b-list bridal party member, i was asked after the dresses had been ordered and everything so i had a dress that was too big for me and had to have totally resized in alterations. I didn't care and wasn't offended i was flattered she asked!! The people that care about you will understand and love you and want to help you!!!

Thumballina Posted: Jun 14, 2005 11:17 AM

Re: I cant believe this...long please help

I'm sorry that you have to go through this... better now than later.

IMO you can't really be upset or say that she is being completely selfish. Granted she DID agree to be a BM...which on her part was wrong if she knew that finances were tight. But like another poster said you really don't know people's money situations...sometimes you try to do the right thing and it puts you in a big hole.
I also thinks its wrong to say 'Its almost as if she were saying Im not a close enough friend for her to be paying 'all this' money..' friendship should no way be based on the amount of money that you spend for each other - be it b-day gifts, x-mas gifts, weddings etc...
Again...she was wrong for agreeing to be a BM without thinking about the financial end of it and then dropping out bc she couldn't afford it and telling you over IM...but I say look at it that she gave you enough time to replace her...its not that bad...

iffer042373 Posted: Jun 14, 2005 11:22 AM

Re: I cant believe this...long please help

I think its best that she told you now then later on. Iwould ask someone else and its not that they are on a B list you jsut thoguht you were closer with her then someone else. If and When you ask someone else if they ask what took you so long to ask just tell them that you were undecided. I don 't think there is a need to explain what had happened cuz then they would feel like they were the second choice.

cindyandkevin Posted: Jun 14, 2005 11:35 AM

Re: I cant believe this...long please help

So sorry that she did this to you, but it really is better now than later! It's true what they say, wedding planning really shows your who your real friends are. I'm sure there's another friend of yours that you could ask who would be glad to do it, regardless of when you ask!! It'll be ok!

SIBride06 Posted: Jun 14, 2005 11:48 AM

Re: I cant believe this...long please help

Hey sweetie..

I know exactly how you feel. My cousin dropped out of my wedding (via e-mail no less) saying that she has two small kids and she cant guarantee that she will be a reliable bridesmaid... whatever!!! You know what, in the end, it will all work out because it will be better that you have bridesmaids in your wedding who you know really want to be there, and you wont have the geeling of guilt that they are spending money they dont have, or in my case... would be unrelable.

As for having an uneven amount of bridemaids.. dont worry about that... not all wedding parties are uniform..

leese Posted: Jun 14, 2005 11:58 AM

Re: I cant believe this...long please help

I have an uneven bridal party...it doesn't matter whether it's uneven or not...so don't let that get you down.

I think she did you a favor in a way... if she was that 'stressed' she would have only made it miserable for you in the end.

Wouldn't we ALL love to just take a 'breather' ??? Geez, too bad these credit card payments are getting in the way of that!

Girl, when she sees how beautiful your wedding will be and all the gorgeous bridesmaids...she'll be KICKING herself all the way to the reception!!!

Kim51103 Posted: Jun 14, 2005 12:30 PM

Re: I cant believe this...long please help

Im sooo sorry! How many BMs do you have already? Do you need another one? Even if she could be in it.....maybe its good that she dropped out.....maybe it will be less headache for you in the end....

hmpena Posted: Jun 14, 2005 01:29 PM

Re: I cant believe this...long please help

So sorry that this is happening to you. I agree with those that said it is better you find this out now. As for the uneven bridal party, I have more girls than guys and am ok with it. You need to be happy with those in your BP and if it means having it uneven, then so be it.

mbm750 Posted: Jun 14, 2005 01:35 PM

Re: I cant believe this...long please help

Posted by Jen2999

Lately I feel like I dont even want thsi wedding anymore because people are just so self centered and cant even be happy for us. I have gotten sooooo much **** for trying to plan a damn BBQ for an e party that I cant imagine how it will be for the wedding. People take all the fun out of it.

I'm really sorry this is happening to you, but as the other ladies have said, it is better to know now. But please don't let this ruin your day or take the fun out of planning - there will be lots of bumps along the road to your wedding day - but in the end everything will work out, and you'll have a beautiful day. As for now, it's upsetting but there's a brightside too - now you have the opportunity to get someone else involved. I don't think it's tacky - I'd be honored.

Jen2999 Posted: Jun 14, 2005 01:38 PM

Re: I cant believe this...long please help

Thanks guys. I know it is better to find out now but I was just reallllyyyy upset last night.

For those that criticized me for judging... you are not friends with her... she is a completely selfish friend who takes takes and it is completely in her character to be like this with money. If it were one of the other girls I would not have had this reaction.... its just that she has ALWAYS been this was. Everything is focused on her and she wouldnt dream of not going to the boardy barn on sundays and out drinking every night of the weekend, yet she tells me in the convo...' I was thinking what extras in my life I could cut out, and this is one of them even though it *****'

I talked to FH and he agrees we should ask an alternate but now I have to figure out who and a tactful way to approach it. Ugh

cjb88 Posted: Jun 14, 2005 02:16 PM

Re: I cant believe this...long please help

sorry Jen!

better that you found out now... It will all work out!!!

i also wanted to let you know that i have been in a bunch of weddings where there was an uneven bridal party... i dont think that many people even notice....

Jen2999 Posted: Jun 14, 2005 02:24 PM

Re: I cant believe this...long please help

I am not too upset with the uneven BP BUTTTT I am upset because we cut people out because we had 6 and 6 and thought it was so many and could have asked someone else in her place!

PrincessAurora Posted: Jun 14, 2005 06:15 PM

Re: I cant believe this...long please help

I think that if she genuinely can not be in your bridal party because of money you should maybe pay for her gown to help her out a bit. If she is a really good friend and you really want her to be part of your day it's something you and your FI could think about.
I only offer this advice becuase i know someone in my family who offered to pay for 3 people in her wedding party becuiase she really wanted them their. I think i would do the same if it was a very special friend.
Just my thoughts, don't think I'm crazy

Jen2999 Posted: Jun 14, 2005 10:10 PM

Re: I cant believe this...long please help

Posted by PrincessAurora

I think that if she genuinely can not be in your bridal party because of money you should maybe pay for her gown to help her out a bit. If she is a really good friend and you really want her to be part of your day it's something you and your FI could think about.
I only offer this advice becuase i know someone in my family who offered to pay for 3 people in her wedding party becuiase she really wanted them their. I think i would do the same if it was a very special friend.
Just my thoughts, don't think I'm crazy

I dont think your crazy and I def would do that if it were any other girl.... BUT I dont want to be an enabler and she really didnt make ANY attempt to save money or ANYTHING before she said she was gonna drop out

CC59 Posted: Jun 14, 2005 10:29 PM

Re: I cant believe this...long please help

It's really better that she told you now, as stinky as it may be. Try not to let people get to you..you'll never be able to make everybody happy 100% of the time. Worry about you and FH and making the day the way you want it to be. If you want to ask another BM go for it! If you decide that the people you are closest to are already in it so be it! If you have an uneven bridal party so what! The most important thing is that the people you love and who love you will be there with you on your special day.