i have a dilemma....may be kinda long

i have a dilemma....may be kinda long

ok..ive been thinking about it all day..but im not sure what to do..ok heres the story..i dated this kid in highschool..from like age 16-21...we broke up for 2 years then started dating again..unfortunately he passed away..5 years ago today..i was and still am very close to his family..of course i dont see them often because im busy and plus i do feel guilty sometimes..even though i know they love me and want me to be happy..heres the thing..when i first got engaged all i kept saying to myself was that im inviting chris's family..because they are like family..but when i spoke to his mom a few months ago she was so happy for me..i told her i want to be there for my big day. there was a silence for a second and she was like sure i will go..your still my daughter..but it sounded wierd..i talked to fh and he was like well i didnt want to say anything to you because i know hwo you feel about them.but he said that they probably wont feel right watchingme get married and their son is passed on..they always used to say to me i know you loved chris..i know you guys would have gotten married..WHAT DO I DO..i want to uninvite them.i feel awkward now..and i know for a fact they do too. how do i get out of this. without hurting them..i feel i should keep my relationship with them..just between us..and not bring them into my new life..its always nice to visit them once in a while..im just bugging out..i guess becuase its his 5 year anniversary and i didnt even call them today or send flowers..im feeling guilty. they are such great people..any suggestions? sorry so long

Re: i have a dilemma....may be kinda long

If you already invited them, if you want them in your life, I would suggest that you invite them but give them an out. You may want to invite them but send a note or call them that you do not want to pressure them and if they feel uncomfortable, they do not have to come. You can preface it by saying something like, 'You know you are family to me but I do also know that my wedding would be bittersweet, and whether or not you come, I do know that you have my best interest at heart.' However, if you are too uncomfortable or if FH is, do not invite them. This is a very tough situation.

Re: i have a dilemma....may be kinda long

Re: i have a dilemma....may be kinda long

IMO - I know what you mean, BUT shouldn't you leave it up to them to decide how they will feel about it? If it is going to be bittersweet for them, then that is something they will know and they can decide to go or not.

I think it is great that you invite them b/c it will also bring closure to that lingering feeling for all of you that 'you and Chris would have gotten married'. Well, unfortunately life had a different plan for both of you and it will be very healthy for them to see you get married to someone else and start your new lives together. It will also be good for you or else you will feel even more guilty each time you see them.

I DEFINITELY say - INVITE THEM!!!

Re: i have a dilemma....may be kinda long

Re: i have a dilemma....may be kinda long

I hope the above post helps you out too!

Re: i have a dilemma....may be kinda long

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Posted by LIBrideinBWI

I completely agree with the above post.
I also wanted to post about how sorry I am to hear about your previous lost. How wonderful that you found love a second time.

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thank you so much ...i did find love and i couldnt be happier..i guess for parents of a child that passed things will never be the same for them..its so sad..and its not like i never think of chris..i do think of how much of a great person he was and how he was my first love and couldnt have had a better first love..in my heart i know we grew apart..but we would have always remained friends..but i thank all of you girls!!

Re: i have a dilemma....may be kinda long

I agree with the other posts...I think if you've already invited them and talked to them about it I think it will be more hurtful to just not invite them. I would do as the other posts say and don't send just an invitation. Maybe send a letter or a note explaining the situation so that they will not feel like they have to attend, but still know you are important to them.

Re: i have a dilemma....may be kinda long

I am sorry about your previous lost well all i can say is that you can send them a invite and tell them i would like for you to come to the wedding tell them they are like a mom and dad too you but if they feel uncomfortable about coming to your wedding because maybe feel like you should have been their daughter in law and it might hurt them to see you get married. tell them you will understand either way if they come or not . i hope things work out for you they might come but might feel like they are losing out on having a special daughter like you. i lost my cousin in a car accident when he was 25 years old and i know my uncle and aunt still hurt because they will never see my cousin joey get married but they do have a daughter who did get married joey's younger sister and now she has two boys of her own and they are just starting to feel a little better.

Re: i have a dilemma....may be kinda long

Re: i have a dilemma....may be kinda long

I definately think you should still invite them. They are a part of your life and I'm sure that Chris would want you to be happy. It's a celebration of you with the people you love. Losing a child is probably one of the hardest thing in life anyone can go through. I'm sure everything reminds them of their son. It seems to me that they love you. Most likely it means a lot to them that you want them there. While it may be difficult for both parties I think you will both benifit from it and your relationship will get stronger. I think it would be lovely to have them there.

Re: i have a dilemma....may be kinda long

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Posted by lreigada

I am very sorry to hear about your loss - and I understand that his parents may experience tough emotions seeing you experience something that their son should have been involved with, however, it is not your fault and you do not have to feel guilty. Unfortunately terrible things happen to people and I think if they really care for you they would really will want you to be happy despite their hardship. Again, you do not have to feel guilty about moving forward with life, not all things are controllable and it certainly was not in your power to change this.

I really liked the suggestion to include a note with invitation - I also wonder if this is something that you could talk with them about. I know it is awkward but sometimes it becomes even more awkard when you avoid the issue rather than discussing it. Just a thought.

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this is very true..thank all of you ladies so much for the advice!!

Re: i have a dilemma....may be kinda long

If you want them in your life I would invite them. And if they feel too uncomfortable then they wont go. I'm very sorry about your loss.

Re: i have a dilemma....may be kinda long

Re: i have a dilemma....may be kinda long

Re: i have a dilemma....may be kinda long

Have you decided what to do?

I'm sorry about all of this

Re: i have a dilemma....may be kinda long

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Posted by DIJBH

Have you decided what to do?

I'm sorry about all of this

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well first i want to say thank you girls again for all your help.. i think im going to send them an invite anyway since i already mentioned it..im prob going to send them a letter with the invite and let them know that i love them very much and that if they would feel uncomfortable at my wedding i would TOTALLY understand if you dont come..well i would def word it differently ..but i was also thinking of taking his mom out to lunch..im close to her and we usually meet up for some lunch..i just dont think i could look her in the eyes and talk about this situation..well she is really easy to get along with and ive known her forever..its just a sore subject..but who cares if we cry ..we've done it before..ill def keep you girls posted..THANKS AGAIN

Re: i have a dilemma....may be kinda long

My family had a similar situation.

My brother's best friend died in a horrific house fire the first few weeks of his senior year in college. (I'll never forget that week). This was the second child his parents lost and it nearly broke apart their marriage.

Fast forward a few years and girls and guys from my brother's 'group' start getting engaged and married. Poor Mr. and Mrs. M. They wanted to attend and would sometimes rsvp yes but day of it was just too much for them. When my brother's friend Steve got married my Dad and I were at the church and in walked her older son. He was attending in place of his parents because his mom was just too upset that day. She kept thinking that her Brian could and should be up there

I've invited them to my wedding. It's been 11 years since Brian died and while it never gets any easier it might be different because I'm the older sister of his best friend. This couple was over the moon for me when I got engaged and Mrs. M (she's Irish) ran right out and bought us a piece of Waterford

Definitely invite them and leave it up to them.

Re: i have a dilemma....may be kinda long

I'm glad you made a decision that you are comfortable with. Good luck

Re: i have a dilemma....may be kinda long

Oh Lish...You are in a tough situation...I definitely think you should invite them just out of respect for them and for Chris...But I think the next time you speak with them, let them know that you understand if they will feel uncomfortable going to your wedding, so it gives them a way out...Everything will fall into place...I can't believe its been 5 years already that Chris is in heaven.