I Need Help - LONG

My fiance and I have decided on 4 attendants each. My two best friends, FH's sister, and my cousin. If we were having five, I would have asked this one girl I'll call K. She and I have been good friends for a few years now, but my FH does *NOT* like her and never has. They don't spend too much time in each other's company, mainly by his choice...she doesn't know that he doesn't like her. Problem is this: She thinks she is in my wedding party. We got engaged in July, and set a date last week. I privately asked the 4 I want to be my bridesmaids already and I have NOT asked her...but she has made statements like 'So what are we wearing,' and 'The bridal party can throw you an engagment party and I can get them all to chip in...' Now, over the course of the last few years, I may have drunkenly pledged, on Girls' Night Out, that she (and everyone else out with us that night) was going to be a bridesmaid in my wedding etc (this was before I was even engaged), but none of the other girls out that night assumed I meant them too. All of my friends who were ever around for all these times have said I did nothing to lead her on. Besides, it was like two years ago. I do want her to read First Corinthians, as opposed to being a bridesmaid, but she doesn't even know this yet. While she is a loyal, good friend, she has a tendency to be bossy, pushy and aggressive and while I love her, not everyone else does. I'm afraid her presence as a bridesmaid will be divisive and disruptive. The two bridesmaids who know her have assured me that including her is not a problem, but I know that neither of them is a huge fan. She is also very 'Manhattan' as opposed to 'Long Island' and has made faces or snorted in disgust at some of the things I have said I am going to have in my wedding.
Here's the kicker: her father, to whom she was very close and devoted, dropped dead of a massive heart attack in April at age 57. Three years ago, when I was 27, my own father, too, dropped dead at age 57, so I know what she is going through right now. And if someone had told me, 4 months after my father's death, that I was not included in a wedding party that I thought I was included in, I would have been devastated. FH says that is not a good enough reason to include her. He *really* does not like her. This morning we got into a screaming match about it with him saying 'It's MY wedding too! And I don't WANT HER IN IT!' He also has the 4 men closest to him that he wants to ask, and doesn't want to dig around for a fifth just for the sake of a fifth, to match everyone up. I know I need to tell her soon, before this goes any further...but I'm not sure how to do it...and I'm sick with stress over it. I hate conflict and I hate hurting people's feelings.

Re: I Need Help - LONG

Wow, thats a lot to take in! Maybe your FI and her can work out their issues with each other. maybe if you sat down with the both of them and tried to work out everything. Also if that doesnt work, if you just tell her that you and your FI have decided to only have 4 attendants, but you would love her to have part in the church, she will understand. I mean if its your two best friends, plus family, she has to understand that. And especially if you had never asked her. Its very tragic about her father, but i dont think one has to do with another, as long as you are there for her as a friend, she should understand. I hope it all works out, this is un needed stress at such a happy time!

Re: I Need Help - LONG

Can you include her in some other way? Can she do a reading at the ceremony or something? I'm sorry that you are having a tough time with this. Perhaps there is some other way to include her so she doesn't feel left out.

Re: I Need Help - LONG

I am so sorry that you are so stressed about this during such a happy time in your life. But, sometimes we make things harder on ourselves than they have to be. My advice is to be honest with her. Tell her that she is a special friend to you, and because of that, you want her to have a special part in your ceremony as a reader. If she asks about the bridal party, just explain that you and your FH decided on the type of wedding you would like to have, and that it was best to keep the bridal party small.

And remember, honesty and directness is the best policy. You cannot help how your friend will feel. I understand her vulnerability with the recent passing of her father, but if you obligate yourself b/c of circumstance, you will end up regretting it. But, you can try to spare her feelings by being compassionate in how you communicate. Do not mention your FH's true feelings about this woman.
Best of luck.

Re: I Need Help - LONG

Ugh this is the worst kind of situation. I am just like you - I don't like confrontation at all - and I had a similar situation with a girlfriend of mine. Does she know of your closeness with your two best friends? Or is that understanding a little muddy too? Because I have two very dear friends that are reading (my sisters and FI sister are the BM's), but this other girl - let's call her T - definitely wanted to be a part of it. I finally just had to say - 'Listen, I have sisters and friends that have been in my life for a very long time, and I hope you understand that. There are a lot of people that I hold dear, and there is just no way that I could ever include everybody. You are of course very important, annd I hope you can understand.' It's a tough situation. But unfortunately you are going to have to confront it. Good luck

Re: I Need Help - LONG

This situation is not easy. I do think your FH is being unfair to you though. She is your friend, and cares about you and he should respect that.
I don't think you need to have an even BP, I don't.
I think it all boils down to 'Do YOU really want her to be a BM' from what I read you love her but would rather not include her in the BP. If that is the case then just tell her that you would like her to be a reader at your wedding. That is a honor and should be treated at such. Then if she seems very upset just remind her that you care for her very much and that you and your FH have decided to keep the BP small. I would never tell her how your FH feels, as that would really hurt her.

Re: I Need Help - LONG

I am sure that if you make the reading sound like to be in the 'spot light' she will be even happier of been and 'individual voice' instead of 'only' your bridesmaid. My FI have worked out a very, very, very small wedding party that makes happy both of us. Your FI is right about that is his wedding too ... I can see that he really dislikes her

If she asks why you choose her for the reading, don't say your FI's feelings ... instead say something like, because 'she is so charmig', and 'carries herself so well in front of people', 'that you know she wouldn't get nervous or emotional in the reading' .... you know, try to make it important and sweet ... she will take it better that way ... you can even suggest for her to go shopping with you for the bridesmaids dresses so that she can ge a model compatible with the theme ... that will make her in a way part of the wedding party, and will make her feel that you truly care about her.

Good luck,

Elena

Re: I Need Help - LONG

These are all really great responses and I appreciate you guys taking the time to read and respond. I was getting all hyper emotional about it without stopping to think about how I would actually say it to her once the time came. And your responses have helped. Thanks.

Re: I Need Help - LONG

This is not an easy one, but the biggest thing is, this is YOUR bridal party to, and if YOU want her, your FH should understand.

That said, it doesn't sound like you do want her, you just don't want to hurt her feelings. In that case, I would gently explain to her that you and FH have decided to have a smaller bridal party. That she means alot to you, and that you would like her to take part in the day by doing a reading at the ceremony. While she might be a little hurt at first, I think she will appreciate your honesty (sooner rather then later) and she will realize that doing a reading is also special.

I hope this helps! Good Luck!

x

x

Re: I Need Help - LONG

I say include her in some way. i know how close i am with my dad and if i lost him i don't know what i would do!
my dad also had a heart attack but is still here and at times when he gets rushed to the ER for chest pain i am always with him, i leave wherever i am to go be with him. if her dad passed 4 months ago its still fresh.
don't hurt her.