I seriously need advice on this one...(LONG) UPDATED

Original post by kathy2176

Feb 23, 2004 03:29 PM

My FI has this friend who he has been close to since they were kids. This friend ended up going out with a cousin of mine who is like a sister to me. We tried to keep it from happening but, there was nothing we could do. So, needless to say, they broke up. They were both supposed to be partners in our bridal party. We ended up having him back out so it wouldn't be an issue. They have been apart for 2 years now. He has a new g/f for a year and she is still single. I got this e-mail from her mother (who I am also very close with) saying that she found out we were still planning on inviting the friend and his parents to the wedding and basically told us not to. She would feel very uncomfortable having them there and doesn't want to go through that at our wedding. She also doesn't want her daughter to be unhappy seeing her ex. My cousin apparantly doesn't know any of this is going on. She knows they are being invited, I told her. She never said anything about it not being ok with her. I don't know what to do. The friend already knows him and his parents are supposed to be getting invitations. My FI has been adamant this whole time about wanting the friend there. I told him about this and even though he didn't say it, I know he isn't happy. He said we could discuss it tonight. He knows how much my aunt means to me but, his friend means a lot to him. This would be so easy if my aunt wasn't like a surrogate mother to me. What would you do?

violetfairy Posted: Feb 24, 2004 05:17 AM

Re: I seriously need advice on this one...(LONG)

Echoing all above. Your aunt was out of line. Call her back and tell her that of course you care about your cousin's feelings, but this guy is a close friend of your FH's and will be invited, but you will do your best to seat them on opposite sides of the room.

razz1031 Posted: Feb 24, 2004 07:51 AM

Re: I seriously need advice on this one...(LONG)

Apparently your cousin isn't aware that her mother emailed you. I would definitely talk to your aunt. She should have never requested something like this from you. She put you in a bad situation with your FH. I would tell her not to take offense but you and your FH want him there, regardless of how she feels for him. Tell her that it would mean alot to you if she would just keep her personal feelings aside for the most important day of your life...after all, she's there to see you get married, isn't she???

shelly3950 Posted: Feb 24, 2004 08:53 AM

Re: I seriously need advice on this one...(LONG)

I don't see the problem. You spoke to your cousin and she is fine with it. It sounds like your aunt is giving her daughter enough credit. let your aunt know that you spoke with your cousin and she is fine with it.

Also let her know that if it was just your wedding you wouldn't invite him. But since you are marrying someone else, you need to be considerate of his feelings. They guy is not your guest, but your FI's.

A marriage is all about compromise. Your FI wants the guy there, your cousin is OK with it, sounds like your aunt is the only one wiht issues.

kathy2176 Posted: Feb 24, 2004 09:17 AM

Re: I seriously need advice on this one...(LONG)

You guys are all absolutely 100% right. So, I decided to talk to my cousin and see what is going on. Apparantly she is totally upset about us inviting him and told her mother about it. She decided not to tell me because she didn't want to get me and FI upset and start a fight. Her mother was upset enough for the both of them and decided she would say something. My cousin and I got into this whole big thing over this. I never even thought of why she would be like this, it seams silly to me. She is afraid that seeing him will bring back a lot of old feelings that took her a long time to get over. They went out for two years and she was hoping for an e-ring and ended up being dumped. So, I talked to FI about it. We decided that this is one of those situations where you have to pick your battles and being who they are to me, this isn't one we want to fight. He is going to talk to his friend and let him know that we can't invite him but, he is still wanted at the bachelor party. We are both certain that he will understand. I made it clear to my cousin that I am angry at them for this and that what they are doing is completely unfair. I didn't know what else to do. Our invitations are going out next week and along with everything else we are dealing with, we just can't take this on to.
Thank you all so much for you advice and support. I wish I had better news!

lullabella Posted: Feb 24, 2004 09:29 AM

Re: I seriously need advice on this one...(LONG) UPDATED

Your FI sounds very understanding. You are a very lucky girl!

Sage10.03 Posted: Feb 24, 2004 09:34 AM

Re: I seriously need advice on this one...(LONG) UPDATED

wow....I am so sorry you had to make this decision...
I honestly think it's AWFUL that your aunt and cousin would put this on you knowing that this is a friend of your FH's since childhood....
It's been 2 years and she needs to grow up!

Your FH seems like he must be very understanding....I know my DH wouldn't budge if this was a good friend of his....After-all, this wedding is YOURS AND FH's!!!

Regardless, I am sure this wasn't easy and since your decision is already made, I guess there is nothing more to do except to tell your FH's friend and hope he understands....

Good Luck to you both and remember that no one should have the right to dictate your decisions regarding your wedding.....

janet Posted: Feb 24, 2004 09:37 AM

Re: I seriously need advice on this one...(LONG) UPDATED

for me it's my 2 uncles that i am having the problem with! they have been fighting for years now! the only time the were 'nice' to each other is when my grandpa passed. well i found out that uncle 1 will not come cause he can't even be in the room with uncle 2. i flipped out that he could be soooo childish about this! the room is big enough that they could stay apart from one another. well now uncle 1 sent a check and a card and i really am pissed at him that he can't put his stubborness aside for me!
let's just say i just lost all respect for him and now unle 2 is now uncle 1 to me and he well i will never talk to him again!

JimmysBride Posted: Feb 24, 2004 09:54 AM

Re: I seriously need advice on this one...(LONG) UPDATED

Wow -- I give you and especially your FH ALOT of credit!!! I don't think I would have handled this as well. For Pete's sake, it's one day. What if she were to run into him at a restaurant or something? Does she plan on scheduling her life around him for the rest of her life? It's been two years. The relationship only lasted two years. She can't deal with seeing him for a couple of hours for your once-in-a-lifetime day? If he wasn't such good friends with your FH, I could understand disinviting him... but WOW. I'm sorry to rehash this for you, I just didn't expect this outcome.

I understand your position a little though because I have cousins in my BP that are like sisters to me also. SO SORRY you had to go through this!!!

Donna Posted: Feb 24, 2004 10:53 AM

Re: I seriously need advice on this one...(LONG) UPDATED

Wow, you have a very understanding fiance. I realize you've made your decision so we can only support you on that but I have to say as a woman it's disappointing IMO that your cousin is giving this ex so much power. There is no ex in my life that would ever stop me from doing anything. Her actions are telling him that she's still into him and it's so bad she can't even be in the same room with him.

Sorry for the ramble but this just bothers me. I have divorced couples (my parents included) that will be at my wedding - they may not be thrilled about seeing each other but I haven't heard a peep. and these are couples that were married for 20+ years

Good luck with all of this.

steph4777 Posted: Feb 24, 2004 11:06 AM

Re: I seriously need advice on this one...(LONG) UPDATED

Wow, your FH is amazing. They owe him big time....I know they are your family, but you should not have been put in that situation. I think it's completely wrong that your FH had to un-invite his good friend. For goodness sakes the guy already backed out of the BP.

Your aunt and cousin really need to grow up...sh*t happens, people break up so get over it. This wedding is NOT about them. It's about you and your FH celebrating your union will family and friends.

I am trying to be harsh on your decision...just appalled (sp??) that they put you in a place where you had to choose. I am so sorry that you had to go through this.

eogara Posted: Feb 24, 2004 11:13 AM

Re: I seriously need advice on this one...(LONG) UPDATED

ugh, bad situation! But I really think that the key is that this is not only your wedding but also your FHs wedding. If this guy was important enough to be asked into the wedding party then he should 150% be invited to the wedding. I think your aunt is putting you in a very awkward position and IMO she needs to step back a little bit.

Maybe you should tell your cousin what's going on and explain how important it is to your FH that he's there. Openness seems to be the best policy here.

violetfairy Posted: Feb 24, 2004 11:18 AM

Re: I seriously need advice on this one...(LONG) UPDATED

Please keep thinking this through. Give yourself another day or two to reach a decision. You're going to wind up resenting your cousin and your aunt, and so is your FH.

kathy2176 Posted: Feb 24, 2004 11:23 AM

Re: I seriously need advice on this one...(LONG) UPDATED

Posted by violetfairy

Please keep thinking this through. Give yourself another day or two to reach a decision. You're going to wind up resenting your cousin and your aunt, and so is your FH.

That is my fear also. I know I won't because I am not a big fan of this friend of his. That isn't my business though. They were friends long before I came into the picture. I just worry that he is going to look at them differently

Wow, you have a very understanding fiance.

Yes, I think he is too understanding. Part of me wishes he would put his foot down and yell and say that there is no way he is budging on this one but, he isn't like that. He always leaves decisions up to me and I don't think this is one I should have to make.

Donna Posted: Feb 24, 2004 11:30 AM

Re: I seriously need advice on this one...(LONG) UPDATED

Here's another thought - would your cousin not go to your wedding if he was there? I mean really if push came to shove what would they do.

I agree with other posters that you should wait a day or two before making your decision. Another thought - could FH end up holding it against you in the future?

Becky Posted: Feb 24, 2004 12:11 PM

Re: I seriously need advice on this one...(LONG) UPDATED

Your FI sounds wonderful to bite the bullet like that. Personally, I think you should have told your aunt and your cousin that this is FH's wedding, too, and that they are asking too much. Your aunt and cousin should be thinking about you on your wedding day. They are incredibly selfish people and I am sorry that you have to deal with this

anjer4 Posted: Feb 24, 2004 12:32 PM

Re: I seriously need advice on this one...(LONG) UPDATED

your aunt needs to realize that this is your day not hers.

Becky Posted: Feb 24, 2004 12:41 PM

Re: I seriously need advice on this one...(LONG) UPDATED

Posted by kathy2176

Yes, I think he is too understanding. Part of me wishes he would put his foot down and yell and say that there is no way he is budging on this one but, he isn't like that. He always leaves decisions up to me and I don't think this is one I should have to make.

If this is the case, I definitely think you should reconsider. Your loyalty and allegiance should be to your FH and his happiness, not your aunt and cousin. It is his wedding, too, and you should think about how HE will feel on his wedding day if his friend is NOT there and not how your cousin will feel if the friend is there. You know what - she doesn't have to invite him to HER wedding, but your guest list is your business. You told her not to date him to begin with. Its not your fault, and certainly not your FH's fault, that she proved you right!

You need to put FH's feelings before your cousins. Especially since if there is going to be ligering resentment after the fact, he might resent you a little, too, for making the decision not to invite someone he is so close with that he wants to invite the parents, too!

shelly3950 Posted: Feb 24, 2004 02:11 PM

Re: I seriously need advice on this one...(LONG) UPDATED

Posted by Becky

Posted by kathy2176

Yes, I think he is too understanding. Part of me wishes he would put his foot down and yell and say that there is no way he is budging on this one but, he isn't like that. He always leaves decisions up to me and I don't think this is one I should have to make.

If this is the case, I definitely think you should reconsider. Your loyalty and allegiance should be to your FH and his happiness, not your aunt and cousin. It is his wedding, too, and you should think about how HE will feel on his wedding day if his friend is NOT there and not how your cousin will feel if the friend is there. You know what - she doesn't have to invite him to HER wedding, but your guest list is your business. You told her not to date him to begin with. Its not your fault, and certainly not your FH's fault, that she proved you right!

You need to put FH's feelings before your cousins. Especially since if there is going to be ligering resentment after the fact, he might resent you a little, too, for making the decision not to invite someone he is so close with that he wants to invite the parents, too!

I totally agree. It is always awkward seeing exes, but its a part of life. Your FH is incredible for offering this, but I think your loyalty should be to him. I know I would never let my FH's cousin come in the way of me inviting an old friend. Your cousin needs to grow up and accept that it is in the past. That this is the wedding b/w your FH and you and you don't want to start your marriage on such a negative foot (with your FH not having one of his oldest friend there). Let her bring a date if she is so worried.

If you decide to invite them, why don't you arrange a meeting for your cousin and her ex. That way you can get the initial awkwardness over before the wedding.