I so need to vent.....

FH and I booked at the Winter Garden room at Fox Hollow. I wanted a small wedding and it just had such a nice, cozy and warm feeling to it and for the time of year we set our date it was just perfect. My FMIL is contributing the same amount she contributed to her other son's wedding and I am forever grateful. However on my end its basically me and my dad. My parents divorced when I was 10 and as a result the family all just went their seperate ways. That being said I am the only one on my side of the family contributing as my father was out of work, sick and just now getting back on his feet.
I just want to marry the man of my dreams (My unicorn =) have my father walk me down the aisle and have my father-daughter dance and enjoy the evening with family and friends. Unfortunately my FH feels that because of what my FMIL is contributing to the wedding, in a sense it is almost like she is dictating who can come to our wedding. When his brother got married, him and his wife paid for their friends and the parents paid for the family and their friends. However they had a bigger venue. I wanted something more intimate.
My FH had asked his mother what is the cut off in regards of generation of the family so he can have somewhat of an estimate of family that will be attending and it seems his mother is extending the generation resulting in my FH to have to cut back on his list. FMIL feels it would be an insult if their is more friends than family in attendance. I am playing the devil's advocate in regards of the situation but it's hard when it's your FH and FMIL in the mix of it.
I am so fed up with this convo that I just said forget the small wedding as your mother is not going to back down on the amount of family she wishes to attend and I don't feel FH should cut back on his list as they are my friends as well (especially the wives)So the next time I see the in-laws and the convo will be brought up AGAIN-I am telling her you can invite the family you would like to attend however my FH will invite who he wants. I am just so sick of it at this point. It is what it is. I know this is going to put a dent with his relationship with his mother and I am trying so hard to avoid that as he has an amazing family. But of the 70 family members in attendence, I may have met 15-20 of them. He has not seen a majority of them since his brother got married and that was 6 years ago. I really don't want to be a guest at my own wedding and that is another reason I would like to have his friends come as I see them on a frequent basis and would really enjoy to share this day with them.
His brother and SIL have been amazing with their advice and at the end of the day they said you will be hanging majority of the time with your friends anyway other than the members of the family you are very close with and interact with on a frequent basis and all of this is water under the bridge. Not sure if any of you can shed some light on this situation - but I am open to any advice or suggestions. Thank you ladies for allowing me to vent. I feel so much better. Love to you all and have fun planning. Enjoy every moment for it goes by so quickly. = )

I so need to vent..... - Long Island Weddings

I'm sorry you are dealing with this... I think although money holds weight in decision making, it should NOT be the determining factor of things. You said it very well when you said your do not want to be a guest at your own wedding. Is your FMIL a sensible person and could you possibly have that conversation with her or is that not appropriate thing to do? I wish you all the best with this and keep us updated with how it all turns out...

I so need to vent..... - Long Island Weddings

'His brother and SIL have been amazing with their advice and at the end of the day they said you will be hanging majority of the time with your friends anyway other than the members of the family you are very close with and interact with on a frequent basis and all of this is water under the bridge.'
I can't offer any advice but I am sorry that you are having to go through this. I CAN tell you that what you said above is exactly true. You'll be so wrapped up in what you are doing and how happy you are, that the rest of it won't matter. At least it didn't to me. I didn't know half the people at my wedding, but I was just happy that everyone was having such a good time.

Re: I so need to vent.....

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Posted by Karin

'His brother and SIL have been amazing with their advice and at the end of the day they said you will be hanging majority of the time with your friends anyway other than the members of the family you are very close with and interact with on a frequent basis and all of this is water under the bridge.'
I can't offer any advice but I am sorry that you are having to go through this. I CAN tell you that what you said above is exactly true. You'll be so wrapped up in what you are doing and how happy you are, that the rest of it won't matter. At least it didn't to me. I didn't know half the people at my wedding, but I was just happy that everyone was having such a good time.

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In the end i think the most important thing is everyone there will be happy for you.

Maybe talk to her about a 'B' list. If maybe the friends you had to cut can be added to that. There will be some people who wont be able to make it. Let her send invites to the family not everyone will come anyway. Then you can add more friends later.

I wish you all the best

I so need to vent..... - Long Island Weddings

The funny thing is I am very close with his mother. We went skiing just last month the two of us and the discussion came up in regards of how many friends my FH wanted to invite. I told her that they are not only his friends but my friends as well. Perfect example - My matron of honor I actually met via my FH. Her husband and my FH worked together (my FH was his apprentice and when the two of us met we just hit if off and neither one of the guys can get rid of us now =P) That being said you would think she would get it however what may be clear as day to one person just may be a foggy afternoon to another. I am not allowing this to take away from my day as my FH and I have so much already taken care of now its just the guest list. I would've thought that would have been the easy part. Lol. The last discussion we had over this convo my FH and FMIL voices got a little loud and the FFIL and I kinda just sat there and I had a bottle of wine ALLLLLLL to myself and it was mmmmmm,mmmmmmm good. That being said she said that my FH has to learn how to compromise. After having an entire bottle of liquid courage I said, 'On the contrary he needs to communicate more and you need to compromise' On that note when he returned back to the room I asked him if we could get the heck out of there. I had a little too much to drink and needed to eat. Lol

Re: I so need to vent.....

So true!! Hence why I cut 5 people from my list (one being my so called best friend) as they have been non-existence in this next stage in my life and have yet to meet my FH and congratulate us. I look at it this way with age comes tons of experience as long as you are willing to learn from your mistakes. I learned to rid of those where I was an option in their life while they were a priority in mine, try so hard to not sweat the small stuff as life is too short and when you try to play the devil's advocate with your FH and the in-laws a glass of wine or two or three can help ease the tension Thank you ladies

I so need to vent..... - Long Island Weddings

I so need to vent..... - Long Island Weddings

I was also recommended to make an A list and a B list and that could be something I can suggest to the FH. You would think we would have an advantage since he has family that will be coming from out of town and will not be able to make it, however the FMIL decided on being our save the date and told family members we were hoping would not be able to attend. That was our way of having some of our friends attend. That being said, it may be a little harder to send out to our B list now since those we were planning on not attending are now maybe's thanks to our save the date which we are not sending out my FMIL volunteered. I am just trying to avoid a heated arguement between the FH and FMIL as my FH is like a ticking time bomb at this point. Usually that's my role. I am just going with the flow.
As far as outside influences - that is so true and I feel ya girl! The thing is my FH and I are on the same page, however the FMIL is reading an entire different book.

Re: I so need to vent.....

I definitely feel your pain in all of this. I have gotten physically sick to my stomach in regards to how my FMIL is handling things and 'taking over'. She has more guests invited than my FH and I and more than my parents (who are paying). I haven't even met half of these people she is inviting and they don't care about me. I too will feel like a guest at my own wedding. It will get better, hopefully! Just think about what this is all for :)

I so need to vent..... - Long Island Weddings

I have no problem whatsoever with her inviting family because they too are becoming mine. I just feel bad for my FH that he has to cut his list down. I am inviting 25-30 and I am perfectly fine with my list. They are my truest of friends and are genuinely happy for the both of us and that is who I want to surround me on OUR day. This too will pass and we are going to have a blast regardless of who is there or not.