I think I hurt my BM...

So, one of my BMs has been my best friend since I'm age 3. She is heavier these days than she's ever been before (and has HUGE chest to boot).

I had one of my other BMs, who is usually about a size 8 or 10, go shopping for BM dresses without me. She found one she loved, but said it ran VERY small and that she suspected she would need about a size 14, and that my best friend would probably need an 18.

I told my best friend I suspected she would need that size, and she seemed hurt. I explained to her that I know she's not an 18, but that it's just that this dress runs very small, but she seemed depressed. This has sort of been an ongoing problem, because she's been sort of sheepish when we go BM dress shopping because she can almost never get into the sample.

Any idea how I should handle this in the future, to avoid hurting her feelings? I'm feeling really bad...

The size number is INSIDE the dress. No one will see it.
Take it from a 'big' girl. I've always been bigger than my friends, and I'm tall on top of it.

Nothing you can say or do will make your BM feel better. It has to come from herself.
When my best friend got married, there were 8 of us in the BP. I was the biggest and the tallest.
Dress sizes ranged from 2 to my 18.
We all looked DAMN good in our dresses, and with my height, I was able to really carry it off.
That was 15 years ago.

I'm still a 'big' girl and my wedding dress is a size 22.
So what. I feel gorgeous in it.

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Posted by SusiBtoM

The size number is INSIDE the dress. No one will see it.
Take it from a 'big' girl. I've always been bigger than my friends, and I'm tall on top of it.

Nothing you can say or do will make your BM feel better. It has to come from herself.
When my best friend got married, there were 8 of us in the BP. I was the biggest and the tallest.
Dress sizes ranged from 2 to my 18.
We all looked DAMN good in our dresses, and with my height, I was able to really carry it off.
That was 15 years ago.

I'm still a 'big' girl and my wedding dress is a size 22.
So what. I feel gorgeous in it.

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I wish she would believe all that, but she doesn't for some reason. I don't know what I can do. She especially doesn't take those kinds of things seriously when I tell her, because I'm slender and she just thinks I don't understand what she's going through.

Print out my reply and show it to her.
I'm 40 years old and this stuff just doesn't bother me anymore.

At least now dress samples come in a variety of sizes. Years ago when I did they bridesmaid thing, I couldn't get into the sample at all. They ran really small. Best I could do is drape the dress in front of me and 'imagine' what it would look like.

Ask her what type of dress would she feel comfortable in. Strapless is fine as long as there is enough material in the bust to cover it.
Satin material is not flattering. It shows everything, even on a slender person.

If she is going to be a size 16-18 BM dress, then she should be able to get into a 12-14 sample, unless the dress is really form fitting.
I tried on wedding dress samples in size 16 and got them on. The back gaped open somewhat, but at least I was able to get a really good idea of
what they looked like. I tried on my dress in a size 16 sample and liked what I saw.

I hope your friend comes to term with her body and accepts it for what it is. If she is not happy, then she has to do something about it, diet, exercise, but that can only come of her doing. No one can tell her what to do.

Best wishes !

JMO- but you shouldn't have mentioned size at all. When my BMs got measured, I didn't ask the size, but most volunteered it (we didn't all go together, but I was there with each of them)

My BMs range in size from 2-22 with most being a 12 (I'm talking BM dress sizing).

She probably feels uncomfortable being the heavier of the bridesmaids and doesn't want to stand out- by you reiterating her size- you pointed her out.

I think you should apologize and give her time to get over it. I'd probably be a little hurt for a day then be done.

Good Luck!


ETA: DO NOT say to her anything about you not understanding how she feels because you are slender- that will just make her feel worse.

Maybe she isn't happy with herself- but she needs to come to terms with that on her own

I personally don't think you should have told your BM what size you think she would be in the dress even if it does run small. I would have left that up to the store where they order the dresses from. They will measure her and compare it to the manufactuere's size chart and take it from there. I can understand how her feelings would be hurt.

I would try to apologize to her in some way. I am a very blunt person myself but would never have said something to her like that. JMO.

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Posted by kahlua716

JMO- but you shouldn't have mentioned size at all. When my BMs got measured, I didn't ask the size, but most volunteered it (we didn't all go together, but I was there with each of them)

My BMs range in size from 2-22 with most being a 12 (I'm talking BM dress sizing).

She probably feels uncomfortable being the heavier of the bridesmaids and doesn't want to stand out- by you reiterating her size- you pointed her out.

I think you should apologize and give her time to get over it. I'd probably be a little hurt for a day then be done.

Good Luck!


ETA: DO NOT say to her anything about you not understanding how she feels because you are slender- that will just make her feel worse.

Maybe she isn't happy with herself- but she needs to come to terms with that on her own

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Well I know her regular size (12 or 14) and I knew she would need 2 sizes up. Also, we were alone during this conversation, I didn't really 'point her out' in front of anyone (and I accompanied it by saying my other BM was going to need a 14, so they're not THAT much different in weight).

If I were to apologize, what would I say? I just feel like her hurt/pain was not over my saying her size, and more about her depression over being at her heaviest.

A size 12-14 isn't that heavy!!!! She may not be skinny, but she is by no means heavy...but still, if you understand that she isn't happy with her weight, bringing up sizing issues is just going to make her feel bad.

I would just say, 'I'm sorry that I made you feel uncomfortable'


Actually, I would only apologize if she brings it up, if she doesn't mention it again, just let it blow over. JMHO

Good Luck again!

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Posted by kahlua716

A size 12-14 isn't that heavy!!!! She may not be skinny, but she is by no means heavy...but still, if you understand that she isn't happy with her weight, bringing up sizing issues is just going to make her feel bad.

I would just say, 'I'm sorry that I made you feel uncomfortable'


Actually, I would only apologize if she brings it up, if she doesn't mention it again, just let it blow over. JMHO

Good Luck again!

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I'm not saying that she is super duper heavy - but she is at her HEAVIEST for her own personal life, and I think it's compouned by the fact that her younger sister, who has always been much heavier than she is, just dropped a ton of weight and is now like a size 6.

I think I'm not going to say anything unless she brings it up, or maybe I'll try to feel it out. We've known each other since we were 3, so we're more like sisters than anything. She will definitely confront me sooner than later if she is really upset (either that or she'll call me crying and then I'll feel like the worst friend alive).

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Posted by FuTuRe MrS MaZz

I hate to say something b*tchy here & I dunno her story, but what you said was not bad at all!!! I think if shes depressed over the whole size issue when tryin on gowns, you would think that she'd try to get in shape to make herself feel better... You were just being truthful and I dont think you should feel bad at all!

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I was trying to do more than be truthful...I know she is sensitive about this and when we were in private I was trying to prepare her for what was going to happen when she went to the dress store. I didn't want her to say 'NO! I AM NOT AN 18!' I wanted her to know that these things run very small, and it won't just be on her, and not to panic.

Its hard when you have sensitive friends that are very close to you! Its hard to always watch what you say and have to fine tweak words before they come out of your mouth.... I've dealt with that way too many times so I can only imagine how you must feel!

I dont think you have anything to apologize for... you did nothing wrong... You just wanted to inform her... I never thought that would be a bad thing

I TOTALLY read that and see that you were trying to be sensitive, hey, she's your best friend, if you think you hurt her, just say, i'm REALLY sorry, i didn't mean to make you feel uncomfortable. THE END.
Less is more, make light of it, and when you go dress shopping, there will be at least 5 other girls in that store feeling frustrated and upset that the samples make them feel like fat cows. This, from experience, is all part of the joy of being a bridesmaid!!! I've done it many times and we all laugh about it now.
I'm 5'8 and a size 12 in street clothes, and they ordered me a SIZE 18 wedding dress. I'd love to say its 'swimming on me' but it isn't.
My closet has every size from an 8 to a 14, i wear what i feel great in, labels be damned. Its a joke.

My MOH is usally a size 6, she had to order the dress in a size 12 because they run so small.

So I told her I would have the seamstress cut out the tag and sew in a new size 6 tag.

Good luck

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Posted by FutureMrsSabbagh

My MOH is usally a size 6, she had to order the dress in a size 12 because they run so small.

So I told her I would have the seamstress cut out the tag and sew in a new size 6 tag.

Good luck

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LOL that is actually really cute. Maybe if we get to the point of making light of it, I can have my other BM (the 8/10 who is gonna end up in a 14) suggest it and we can all laugh (and I will seriously do it if it helps her or them!)

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Posted by Jess125483

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Posted by FutureMrsSabbagh

My MOH is usally a size 6, she had to order the dress in a size 12 because they run so small.

So I told her I would have the seamstress cut out the tag and sew in a new size 6 tag.

Good luck

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LOL that is actually really cute. Maybe if we get to the point of making light of it, I can have my other BM (the 8/10 who is gonna end up in a 14) suggest it and we can all laugh (and I will seriously do it if it helps her or them!)

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Cover up the 1 and she becomes a 4 !
Viola !

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Posted by SusiBtoM

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Posted by Jess125483

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Posted by FutureMrsSabbagh

My MOH is usally a size 6, she had to order the dress in a size 12 because they run so small.

So I told her I would have the seamstress cut out the tag and sew in a new size 6 tag.

Good luck

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LOL that is actually really cute. Maybe if we get to the point of making light of it, I can have my other BM (the 8/10 who is gonna end up in a 14) suggest it and we can all laugh (and I will seriously do it if it helps her or them!)

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Cover up the 1 and she becomes a 4 !
Viola !

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LOL, note to self, bring white out pen to dress shop.

when i have been in weddings the bride has never asked or told me what size to wear - and i didnt do that with my BMs
the sizes are ALWAYS different than the normal size and the people measuring will tell you that.
I think in teh future to avoid any hurt feelings, dont discuss weight/measurements, JMO

i would kill someone to be a 12/14.. right now im an 18/20. She needs to know that a 12/14 is actually the new average size for women.

As a big girl, i understand why she wouldve been hurt... my friend (and also MOH) started out as a 14 and shes now down to an 8/10 and told me a few weeks ago that i need to start watching because i want to lose weight for the wedding...

um... no i dont. I'm perfectly happy as who i am, but youre damn right it hurt coming from her... especially unsolicited.

If I were you, I wouldn't say another word about it... but when you see her next, if she looks good in what shes wearing, tell her so. When you get a shot like that from a close friend, it takes a long time to get over it.

Although honesty is the best policy, sometimes its best to not say anything at all. like i said before... im an 18/20 street size... i took a 24 dress, but need to take it in and probably couldve been fine with the 22.