If in your opinion FH was taking too long

to propose, would you :

1. Give him an ultimatum
2. Leave him

I know someone who is in that predicament now.

She does not see me as a credible source because I was with my FH for many years (9) and she thinks I waited far too long.

Just out of curiosity what would you guys have done?

Re: If in your opinion FH was taking too long

In my opinion I would not wait that long but:

1. how old are the couple? (big factors)

2. How long have they been together?

There were many factors that I had to consider and go through with my finace. Alot of them were very personal and I felt that I really needed to know if this relationship on his end going somewhere. I did tell him when all that stuff was going on if we were engaged by the end of the year we would have to discuss why? I feel that I should not have to wait if you know you want to be with what is the problem? If it is a money issue that is something that should be discussed by both parties..
But again this is my opinion

Re: If in your opinion FH was taking too long

If I knew he was the one I wouldn't feel the need to give him an ultimatum or to leave. Hopefully we would have had some sort of a discussion on the future. I would think we'd be on the same page about marriage (and kids) as that is part of understanding each other and the relationship. If he didn't want to get married ever and I knew he was the one (if I felt as strong as I know I do for my FH) I don't think I could leave him.

Regardless, I don't think giving an ultimatum solves the problem, IMHO, and I wouldn't want to leave the person I knew was the one.

Re: If in your opinion FH was taking too long

They have been dating 3 years.

She is 28 and he is 30.

I think it is a combination of not being financially ready and also his question of whether or not he is ready to take the next step.

Peoples Jaws drop when I tell them how long me and Fh have been together. It has been a long time, but you have to be ready for marriage and 5 years into my relationship at 25 I did not feel ready, now I am and so is he.

Re: If in your opinion FH was taking too long

I don't think an ultimatum is ever appropriate. I wouldn't want to always wonder if this is what he really wanted or if he just caved to the pressure. I think she should really get to the bottom of what is holding him back and then decide if maybe she should just move on. I have a friend who was so eager to get married and she went the ultimatum route, now they are planning a 2003 and whenever they talk about the wedding she is all smiles and he looks like he is getting his teeth pulled. I couldn't deal with that.
I know how it feels to wait a long time. I have been dating my FH for 7 years but we have known eachother for 9yrs (we met when we were very young). I only graduated college and got a real job last year so I wouldn't have been ready too much earlier than now, but if he didn't propose this year I would have started to wonder the same thing as your friend.
Best of luck to you both.

Re: If in your opinion FH was taking too long

I think your friend really needs to know why he has not asked her to marry him. If it is because he is 'not ready', what is ready...my guy friends tell me the old 'not ready' line is usually because they are checking out other fish in the sea.
Here are 2 stories that happened to friends of mine:
1. They dated for 4 yrs he was always wondering around telling her he really didn't want to be committed, his family all that stuff. She said one day listen, I'm moving out of town if you want me call me but, only if you are going to ask me to marry you. 3 months passed he went to her new town and proposed...wedding is in the planning.

2. They dated for 8 years he never wanted to get married...she would cry at weddings and they broke up a few times over it. Finally they broke up for good. 2months later HE got engaged to someone else and married her within the year. It took her 3 years to finally meet a guy she really liked and it took her a long time to get over the hurt. She is now married and has 2 kids..she says she thanks God that she didn't marry the 1st guy because he wasn't the ONE.

Re: If in your opinion FH was taking too long

I'm very traditional... I don't believe in ultimatims. They cheapen the poor person who is issuing the ultimatum. I believe there has to be a discussion where thoughts are traded and a plan goes into place. At least a discussion.... If a guy diesn't know how good he has it after a year, it is time to move on. He should be soooo happy that he found his beloved.! I'm not saying that they should get engaged after a year, I am saying that he should know she is the one! If not, you could stand on your head... IMO,he won't discover it three years later.

Re: If in your opinion FH was taking too long

Just want to add: I was getting anxious to get engaged but if I would have given an ultimatum, the moment that he proposed would have not had the magic and the beauty that it did. I would have never done that. Like Sept20yay said, it really would have 'cheapened' the experience.

Re: If in your opinion FH was taking too long

I wouldn't give an ultimatum and I certainly wouldn't leave if I knew he was the one, but I would definitely let him know how I felt. I waited 3 1/2 years before we got engaged and it was soooo hard - most of my friends are married and every time I went to another wedding or shower all of my friends mothers would ask when they would get to go to my wedding!! It was horrible! and then after we got engaged, some people even had the nerve to tell me that they didn't think he would ever propose!! Your friend needs to find out what the holdup is and then act accordingly. I knew my FH had certain financial obligations so the had to wait until he could get me he wanted to get and since he's not the type to settle for less so I waited (im)patiently....

It was definitely worth it!!

Re: If in your opinion FH was taking too long

I would wait, if you love him that much! I waited 6 years and will be married 10 days before our 7th!!

Re: If in your opinion FH was taking too long

Does he talk about getting married to your friend? I was in an eight year relationship and I always talked about marriage and thought he did too but I was hearing what I wanted to hear You should ask your friend does she want someone who tells people I don't know if I want to marry her or some one who shouts from the roof tops I love this woman and can't wait to spend my life with her! I have that now and can't believe how long I stayed with the other jackas*! IMHO

Re: If in your opinion FH was taking too long

From what she tells me, he says that she is the one he wants to marry, but not yet. Unfortunately she does not want to hear that.

Again when I tell her that she should not nag or pester she says 'you did not do that and it tookyou so long to get engaged'.

My courtship may be longer than most, but I have gone through so much with Fh that I believe it has strengthened our union and we will be able to get through the trials and tribulations of marriage.

I really do not know what to say to her.

Re: If in your opinion FH was taking too long

I dont think ultimatums work well in this case. I don't think someone should be backed into a corner and then be asked to make a life time/ life altering decision.

But this also concerns her life and she should talk to him about his reasons for waiting and decide if she knows he's the one and be willing to wait or move on. I know this is much easier said then done.

I hope everything works out for her


I agree with EvenEdan in that the ultimatum takes some of the 'romance' out of the proposal. I know a girl that gave her BF an ultimatum and he did propose - by dropping a ring on the bar and asked her if she wanted it (I didn't like her too much so I think it's pretty funny )

Re: If in your opinion FH was taking too long

LOL Christine.

Re: If in your opinion FH was taking too long

I agree with the ladies that an ultimatum is NOT the way to go. I was with FH 5 years b4 he officially proposed, at times I would get stressed out (after our 4th year) but it was soooo worth the wait. He and I started talking about marraige after 3 years together, and I knew he had every intention of marrying me and that his love for me was true. So I waited, because I had faith.
3 years is NOT a long time. FH and I are so much closer now that we waited, and know each other so much more than we did 2 years ago, I'm so glad we waited.

She has to know in her heart if what they have is real, and really talk heart-to-heart with him, to find out what his real intentions are. It's okay that he doesnt want to do it NOW, but she needs to find out if he EVER wants to do it at all, and whether or not he's worth the wait.

Re: If in your opinion FH was taking too long

I believe you have to just let things happen, I would never want to feel that I pressured someone into anything. If you feel you've been with the person for a long time and you both want different things then maybe you just aren't right for each other. Giving someone an ultimatum in a situation like marriage is just wrong in my opinion, leaving him because you feel like he's never gonna ask you is your choice and the person would have to understand.
Evenedan- I think we're thinking of the same friend.

Re: If in your opinion FH was taking too long

In my case my FI has always talked about us in the future, so I new he was the one and vice versa. We had a lot of issues the past year not so much as me with him it was me with other people who put a lot of stress on to me and my relatiosnhip with FI and him. So I needed to make someting clear with him that there was a future for us. We are both financially secure and I felt both ready to take the next step. So I don't think any thing I said was an ultamatim, under the circumstanes.

I hope everything works out for you friend.... But if he keeps skirting aaround the issues like some of the other girls said maybe he is fishing around till soemthing else comes around.

Re: If in your opinion FH was taking too long

I know ultimatums are wrong but I think there is a limit to how long you should wait. This lady I work with dated her husband for 16 years before they got engaged-- since they were 18-- now two years after the wedding they are having problems having children and stuff and it just seems like such a shame because maybe if they ahd gotten married a couple of years earlier it would have been easier for her. In her case if you don't know after 12 years when are you going to know. JMO.

Re: If in your opinion FH was taking too long

well one thing they to make sure of is that they have the same dreams for the future...like kids. I have a friend who was with this guy for over 4 years....after this time she started questioning everything (they were young - under 25 - and just living in the moment) only to find out he never wanted to have children - Well that ended that and now she is happily married to someone else with 2 beautiful children

Re: If in your opinion FH was taking too long

Ok... forgive me for stating the obvious, but.....

IT'S ONLY BEEN 3 YEARS!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That can be the norm for most couples!!!!!