If you could be a SAHM, would you?

Original post by cocoa

Feb 26, 2005 07:35 AM

i was talking with dh and i admitted that even if we were financially sound, i would still want to work. or at least volunteer and treat it like a job. i feel like i will sound horrible and that i don't want to be a mom, but i think that with the way the world is, i mean, it isn't the 50's anymore, i think that a woman should have something else besides her house and taking care of it and that heaven forbid something happens, she has a way to survive.

i feel like i will be so flamed for saying this, but even if we had the $, i'd think i'd want to be something as well. is that horrible?

matron Posted: Feb 26, 2005 10:09 AM

Re: If you could be a SAHM, would you?

yes, i would love to be a SAHM. I think when my kids are old enough to go back to school, I would want to return to work then.

cocoa Posted: Feb 26, 2005 10:11 AM

Re: If you could be a SAHM, would you?

Posted by Stefanie

Well when we have this baby in June, it will be the end of my school year and I wouldn't normally be working anyway. However, in September I'm not going back to my job. I'd like to be a SAHM until he goes to school, then I could go back to teaching. In the meantime, I could still work part time or tutor.

you're a teacher too...so i have a question for you. what could you do that keeps you in the school setting but allows you to be a sahm? b/c this would be ideal for me too.

Stefanie Posted: Feb 26, 2005 10:20 AM

Re: If you could be a SAHM, would you?

Posted by cocoa

Posted by Stefanie

Well when we have this baby in June, it will be the end of my school year and I wouldn't normally be working anyway. However, in September I'm not going back to my job. I'd like to be a SAHM until he goes to school, then I could go back to teaching. In the meantime, I could still work part time or tutor.

you're a teacher too...so i have a question for you. what could you do that keeps you in the school setting but allows you to be a sahm? b/c this would be ideal for me too.

Well, I didn't want to stay at MY school setting because it's a catholic school and I was hardly making any money there. So I am completely taking myself out of the school system there.

I really haven't thought about 'staying' in a school setting while I was staying at home. Ideally, I'd like to work on LI, but I know how difficult that is. So I'm prepared to start all over again if I have to. I'll take a job as a perm. sub. I also have my masters in reading, so that opens up another job for me.

The only thing I was thinking of doing while I'm at home was tutoring. Maybe school districts are looking for teachers that can help their students....I don't have a plan yet. I guess that's not a good thing.

palebride Posted: Feb 26, 2005 11:21 AM

Re: If you could be a SAHM, would you?

As much as I love teaching....I would love being a SAHM....and I never thought I would say that!

Janice Posted: Feb 26, 2005 11:29 AM

Re: If you could be a SAHM, would you?

yes I want to have a baby and never work again, I want to put all my energy into my marriage and kids. I love working, I have 2 jobs at the moment, but I have worked for the past 17 years, and I will only be a mom to babies for 5 years, I want to be there for every second. Then when they are in school I want to be domestic during the day, cleaning and cooking, so when kids come home from school, I can concentrate on them, and when DH comes home, all my time will be with him. I totally want 50's style. I would love to take in foster babies as well when my kids are of school age

christy Posted: Feb 26, 2005 11:31 AM

Re: If you could be a SAHM, would you?

I love my job, but I would want to stay home at least until my child is in preschool, ideally kindergarten.

Goldi1021 Posted: Feb 26, 2005 11:44 AM

Re: If you could be a SAHM, would you?

If finances permitted me to be a stay at home mother, I would in a heartbeat - they don't. BUT I am already a licensed professional with two degrees and two certifications to fall back on. Should I ever HAVE to go back to work, I could very easily. I can also register with an agency and do at home tutoring in the home if need be.

Another thing I think about is 'How can I quit teaching without feeling guilty that my education was wasted?' Mom and Dad worked very hard to put all four of us kids through school. 7 degrees - no loans. Sometimes I feel as if I would be turning my back on it. But Dad would say that education is never wasted. This is coming from a man with only a HS diploma.

I know my childhood development would not have been the same had my mother not stayed home. I am very grateful for my parents being financially sound allowing mom to stay home.

HOWEVER, there are drawbacks to that as well. When a woman is encouraged to stay home with no career of her own, she may feel as if she has lost a sense of self. She may be defined by her kids or husband (i.e. Bob's wife OR Bobby's mom) instead of for who she is as an individual. I would imagine that would not feel good after a while.

Also, there are times when emergencies or disasters or unforeseen things happen (i.e. death of a spouse) which leave a woman wonder how she will be able to provide for her family. It is practical for a woman to have an education or a skill she can count on if she needs it. Though in this day and age it is rare to find a woman who goes from being unemployed in her parents house to her husbands house without some form of education (i.e.. trade school or college).

I know many men who say 'I work 3 jobs so my wife doesn't have to work' and I am thinking 'OK Mr. Man, what is she gonna do when you drop dead of a heart attack because you work too much. Let's have a division of labor. You give up one job and stay home for that time. Then let your wife get a part time job instead.'

My mother stayed home for all four of us kids. They married in 1956 and that is just how it was back then. Now that Dad is ill and will more than likely never come home, she is forced to deal with the 'what do I do now' feelings. They did everything together. She hardly had anything that was hers alone and now is falling deeper into depression. Women at her age do not generally have epiphanies that they will start a hobby. I hope she can keep herself occupied because we cannot be there all of the time to help her even though we do our best.

jantany26 Posted: Feb 26, 2005 01:16 PM

Re: If you could be a SAHM, would you?

Posted by Rainmama

Yup! I am one and I love it!

Yes, at times, I feel like I give A LOT of myself to my daughter and get very little time to myself. But, this is why I had a child-- to raise her. I wouldn't feel right working full-time while someone else raised her.
But, this is just me!! I am in no way knocking parents who want (or need) to work. The working parents are the ones who keep me employed as a nanny.
I would recommend to new moms who are determined to stay at home to eventually find a part-time job or a hobby that allows you to get out without your child. I really need to take my own advice. LOL. I don't even remember what it's like to not have a child on my hip.

I agree with rainmama. that's what I'm doing right now, and I will hopefully be able to be with Alia until she is a little bit older. I do need to go back to school and finish, just for my own sake and peace of mind. I always said before I actually got pregnant, that I was going back to work and all, but things change so much when you actually have a kid.
Things are hard and we are tight with money, but that is the sacrifice that we are making for me to stay with her. I just couldn't leave her with a stranger taking care of her.

cocoa Posted: Feb 26, 2005 01:20 PM

Re: If you could be a SAHM, would you?

Posted by Goldi1021

HOWEVER, there are drawbacks to that as well. When a woman is encouraged to stay home with no career of her own, she may feel as if she has lost a sense of self. She may be defined by her kids or husband (i.e. Bob's wife OR Bobby's mom) instead of for who she is as an individual. I would imagine that would not feel good after a while.

Also, there are times when emergencies or disasters or unforeseen things happen (i.e. death of a spouse) which leave a woman wonder how she will be able to provide for her family. It is practical for a woman to have an education or a skill she can count on if she needs it. Though in this day and age it is rare to find a woman who goes from being unemployed in her parents house to her husbands house without some form of education (i.e.. trade school or college).

this is is exactly. while i would love to be a sahm, my identity can't be mom. i feel like i am too multifaceted for that. and what if my husband got laid off or injured? god forbid, but i would need to know that we'd still be okay.

Thumballina Posted: Feb 26, 2005 01:37 PM

Re: If you could be a SAHM, would you?

Yes...I grew up with my mom being home to raise us...I want my children to have the same...unfortunately...the odds of that happening are not in my favor...right now anyway...if things change that would be great...I prob would go back to work once the children are old enough to be on their own...

Jax430 Posted: Feb 26, 2005 02:09 PM

Re: If you could be a SAHM, would you?

I would love to be a SAHM for at least the first 5 years of my children's lives, but I don't think it will ever be finanicially possible. Once I finish my doctorate and finally do start working, I will most likely have the higher income. I'm hoping that I can work part time once I have kids.

August2004 Posted: Feb 26, 2005 02:12 PM

Re: If you could be a SAHM, would you?

No, I don't think I could be a stay at home mom. I would definitely need to at least work part-time.

btrflygrl Posted: Feb 26, 2005 02:28 PM

Re: If you could be a SAHM, would you?

I SO want to be a SAHM...and we are working towards that. I work PT right now in a church preschool (where they start at 1 yr old, so I'd have to find somewhere that would take an infant if I were to go back to work right away). Working 9-2 is the best thing! I have my socializing, my working for some money (not much, but it helps). I totally want (and to a degree have) the old fashioned 50's style with a modern flair. Most of the time, I cook, I do most of the cleaning and I do ask for help. We make all decisions TOGETHER that involve finances, whether it be a gift for each other or eating out.

I'd love to stay home totally when we have a baby, but if we can't afford it, then I'll do what I do now...work PT and if it's a preschool situation, then I have it made.

I don't feel guilty or feel like I'm not fulfilling my needs...I honestly feel that kids are my gift....and I want to raise my kids as best as I can. I grew up with a mom who even though she was there, she wasn't 'all' there

Butterflybride Posted: Feb 26, 2005 02:29 PM

Re: If you could be a SAHM, would you?

If I could be, I would, but I don't know if I'd be able to for financial reasons.

starhead Posted: Feb 26, 2005 02:51 PM

Re: If you could be a SAHM, would you?

I do not want to be a SAHM, but not having kids right now, those feelings could change.

I'm an attorney and worked very hard to become one. Without mental stimulation, I might go crazy and therefore, not be such a great mom if I had to stay at home. Like others have said, I think I will need to have some time and something that is my own, away from the house and children. DH used to agree with me, now he's like I want you to SAH till kids are 3 or 4. But I don't know.

I do think it would be tough financially because of the mortgage and my law school loans. I would probably feel guilty about DH shouldering the financial burden of my law school debt plus all other expenses.

Who knows? It's so hard to say when you don't have kids yet!!!

Summerbride04 Posted: Feb 26, 2005 03:10 PM

Re: If you could be a SAHM, would you?

Posted by september2004

Posted by checka

If it was possible financially, I would be a SAHM until the kiddies started school and then I would work part time while they were in school.

ideally, this is what i would want as well...

In an ideal world this is what I would do too.

lorimari Posted: Feb 26, 2005 04:18 PM

Re: If you could be a SAHM, would you?

I am a SAHM right now and this week I'll be starting a part time job. We need the income and I need to get out of the house. I'll be working nights so I get the best of both worlds - I get some time away with some money to pay some of our bills and my hubby gets some quality time alone with the baby. Its only 15 hours a week if that so it works.

I plan on getting my real estate license in the upcoming year and doing that this way by the time my kids are in school I'll be able to devote even more time to it than I can now.

Goldi1021 Posted: Feb 26, 2005 05:59 PM

Re: If you could be a SAHM, would you?

When I graduated collegein 1992, I was told that my generation was the first to be worse off than our parents. I didnt understand that then but I do now. Back then, for the most part, women didn't work and didnt go to college either. NOW they have to. Life is not like it was for June and Ward Cleaver.

nov04LIbride Posted: Feb 26, 2005 09:37 PM

Re: If you could be a SAHM, would you?

Posted by Goldi1021

When I graduated collegein 1992, I was told that my generation was the first to be worse off than our parents. I didnt understand that then but I do now. Back then, for the most part, women didn't work and didnt go to college either. NOW they have to. Life is not like it was for June and Ward Cleaver.

I'm sure there were some women who didn't go to college in '92, but there were a lot that did. My mother graduated in the first graduating class from Stony Brook in '65 (the daughter of immigrant parents who did not go to college), got a Master's degree right undergrad (at a time when apparently most women married right after college graduation for those who went), was a SAHM for 8 years, and her degrees enabled her to get another high-paying job when she decided my brother and I were independent enough for her to return to the workforce.

I personally don't agree with the fallback of 'that's what women did then.' Did women not have a choice? If none of us sought to achieve more, work harder, earn more degrees, prove ourselves to men--then women would never advance. There were opportunities (albeit fewer than now) for those who were independent thinkers and driven enough to pursue them, and who wanted higher education. I don't condemn those that married, didn't go to college, and never worked, but I do think we have to realize that there were options out there for those that wanted to pursue them.

I would work if we had a plan for daycare where I could leave my children with someone I trusted. There are too many horror stories for me to entrust them to an au pair or a babysitter who would not care for them as I would. By the time I am 30 I will have finished my doctorate, and realistically will still be paying off loans when I have children (which will not be until after I finish my doctorate). My aunt went to med school, became a neurosurgeon, and had 5 kids. She and my uncle had everything, and 2 well-paid live-in au pairs taking care of the kids. Well, one day one of the au pairs was arrested for leaving one of the babies locked in the car when she got her nails done. They fired both, and my aunt tried to limit her surgery hours. Unfortunately now insurance is so much for doctors that it does not pay to employ part-time doctors. She volunteers one day a week at a free clinic. My point is, despite the many, many years I spent in school, and the many, many dollars invested in my career and education, I would throw it away in an instant if I felt my children were suffering because of me working.