Im new but have been lurking for quite some time...(LONG)
Original post by soon2bemrs2008
and I have a real hard situation that I am trying to deal with. I have watched all of you girls help out with ideas and personal dilemmas; so here is mine.
My name is Lisa and I have been dating George, my fh, for over 4 years. We got engaged a year ago and lately I have been scared to get married. I sometimes feel that I am making the wrong choice even though I love him.
Lately, I have been tempted by other men, one in particular, which made me think I am making the wrong choice because he seems like a perfect match for me (even more than I always thought my fh). So I started to get scared that maybe I am getting married and maybe George isnt the 'one' even though I always thought he was.
Yes, I ended up kissing this other guy, nothing more. And I am now even more confused. The feelings I have are so mixed.
I love fh and everything about him.
but I started to have my doubts about getting married and then I met someone new that I felt was possibly a 'sign' that I shouldnt get married.
Thoughts?! I need all of your advice.
soon2bemrs2008
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Member since
Re: Im new but have been lurking for quite some time...(LONG)
Posted by davenjess
Posted by soon2bemrs2008
Posted by Fall Bride 2008
My personal opinion is that you really arent as into your FH as you think you are only because of the temptation that you fell into. I cant even think about another guy that would take me away from my FH that assures me that FH is the one. I am sorry you are going through this.
see that is how i always felt and even if other guys were attractive, i was like nobody is better than he is, he is the one. but i started gettin anxious about this wedding (the $$, the whole forever thing) and I felt this weird connection with this new guy.
This guy isnt the reason I am doubting the marriage but he did complicate things by making me wonder what if fh is not the 'one'
This may sound kinda hokey...clear your mind and close your eyes. Picture yourself at an old age...who are you with? Do you see your FH or the other guy? I am a big believer in going with your gut...what does your gut say about this? Your first impulse was to kiss the guy - but impulse and gut reaction aren't the same..
Just because you are attracted to someone else doesn't mean that you are with the wrong person. If you weren't attracted to other people -you would have no feelings left...some people are attracted to others on a daily basis..it's a normal thing. It's what we do with those feelings that makes us who we are... The fact that you stopped with a kiss says something about your feelings for your FH...you didn't want to let it go further...
You really have some soul searching to do.. I hope I helped in some way and didn't just make it all worse & more confusing...
no you didnt...when i close my eyes, i see me with him, i picture what our kids will be like, where we will live, the vacations we will take
but i am worried that this new guy could be like that too if i gave it a chance. which sounds horrible and i shouldnt think that way but i do. like what if he is the one and i am letting him get away while im with fh thinking that he is the one.
KitWisdom
Posted:
Member since
Re: Im new but have been lurking for quite some time...(LONG)
Posted by soon2bemrs2008
Posted by davenjess
Posted by soon2bemrs2008
Posted by Fall Bride 2008
My personal opinion is that you really arent as into your FH as you think you are only because of the temptation that you fell into. I cant even think about another guy that would take me away from my FH that assures me that FH is the one. I am sorry you are going through this.
see that is how i always felt and even if other guys were attractive, i was like nobody is better than he is, he is the one. but i started gettin anxious about this wedding (the $$, the whole forever thing) and I felt this weird connection with this new guy.
This guy isnt the reason I am doubting the marriage but he did complicate things by making me wonder what if fh is not the 'one'
This may sound kinda hokey...clear your mind and close your eyes. Picture yourself at an old age...who are you with? Do you see your FH or the other guy? I am a big believer in going with your gut...what does your gut say about this? Your first impulse was to kiss the guy - but impulse and gut reaction aren't the same..
Just because you are attracted to someone else doesn't mean that you are with the wrong person. If you weren't attracted to other people -you would have no feelings left...some people are attracted to others on a daily basis..it's a normal thing. It's what we do with those feelings that makes us who we are... The fact that you stopped with a kiss says something about your feelings for your FH...you didn't want to let it go further...
You really have some soul searching to do.. I hope I helped in some way and didn't just make it all worse & more confusing...
no you didnt...when i close my eyes, i see me with him, i picture what our kids will be like, where we will live, the vacations we will take
but i am worried that this new guy could be like that too if i gave it a chance. which sounds horrible and i shouldnt think that way but i do. like what if he is the one and i am letting him get away while im with fh thinking that he is the one.
Don't beat yourself up about the way you feel! If you feel a certain way, you do--its not a bad or good thing and who are we to tell you how to feel? Being ashamed of how you feel just makes things worse.
soon2bemrs2008
Posted:
Member since
Re: Im new but have been lurking for quite some time...(LONG)
Posted by KitWisdom
Posted by soon2bemrs2008
Posted by davenjess
Posted by soon2bemrs2008
Posted by Fall Bride 2008
My personal opinion is that you really arent as into your FH as you think you are only because of the temptation that you fell into. I cant even think about another guy that would take me away from my FH that assures me that FH is the one. I am sorry you are going through this.
see that is how i always felt and even if other guys were attractive, i was like nobody is better than he is, he is the one. but i started gettin anxious about this wedding (the $$, the whole forever thing) and I felt this weird connection with this new guy.
This guy isnt the reason I am doubting the marriage but he did complicate things by making me wonder what if fh is not the 'one'
This may sound kinda hokey...clear your mind and close your eyes. Picture yourself at an old age...who are you with? Do you see your FH or the other guy? I am a big believer in going with your gut...what does your gut say about this? Your first impulse was to kiss the guy - but impulse and gut reaction aren't the same..
Just because you are attracted to someone else doesn't mean that you are with the wrong person. If you weren't attracted to other people -you would have no feelings left...some people are attracted to others on a daily basis..it's a normal thing. It's what we do with those feelings that makes us who we are... The fact that you stopped with a kiss says something about your feelings for your FH...you didn't want to let it go further...
You really have some soul searching to do.. I hope I helped in some way and didn't just make it all worse & more confusing...
no you didnt...when i close my eyes, i see me with him, i picture what our kids will be like, where we will live, the vacations we will take
but i am worried that this new guy could be like that too if i gave it a chance. which sounds horrible and i shouldnt think that way but i do. like what if he is the one and i am letting him get away while im with fh thinking that he is the one.
Don't beat yourself up about the way you feel! If you feel a certain way, you do--its not a bad or good thing and who are we to tell you how to feel? Being ashamed of how you feel just makes things worse.
I am really ashamed though bc i dont want to crush on a new guy while i live with and love fh. I just cant control that feeling. What scares me is it is similar to the way I felt when i first met fh.
KitWisdom
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Re: Im new but have been lurking for quite some time...(LONG)
I very strongly believe that our brain produces chemicals in situations like this…there have been studies about the adrenaline and such that crushes and infatuations cause and they wear off over time because it would just bee too crazy to produce that amount of chemicals for forever, lol.
Fall Bride 2008
Posted:
Member since
Re: Im new but have been lurking for quite some time...(LONG)
Posted by soon2bemrs2008
Posted by Fall Bride 2008
My personal opinion is that you really arent as into your FH as you think you are only because of the temptation that you fell into. I cant even think about another guy that would take me away from my FH that assures me that FH is the one. I am sorry you are going through this.
see that is how i always felt and even if other guys were attractive, i was like nobody is better than he is, he is the one. but i started gettin anxious about this wedding (the $$, the whole forever thing) and I felt this weird connection with this new guy.
This guy isnt the reason I am doubting the marriage but he did complicate things by making me wonder what if fh is not the 'one'
my best advice to you is to talk to FH and put your engagement on hold. You dont want to go into this and end it a year later
AmandaLynn04
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Member since
Re: Im new but have been lurking for quite some time...(LONG)
Sorry to have not replied here, but, there is nothing I can say that hasn't already been better said above!! You girls rock with your advice.....
And, good luck hun, I hope everything works out for the best!
cbcf
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Re: Im new but have been lurking for quite some time...(LONG)
i agree with what the rest of the girls have said...
so i am only going to say this:
if the other guy is the one he will be there in the end for you...so dont think 'oh no if i take my time figuring things out with my fiance i might miss out on the life with guy #2'
i believe in fate...and if things dont work out with your fiance and the other guy is the one he will be around. but dont let him take the lead as to what you do. i think you should speak with Fh and try to figure out your own feelings and maybe slow down the wedding planning as well..take time to evaluate your relationship and what is important to you....
good luck
soon2bemrs2008
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Re: Im new but have been lurking for quite some time...(LONG)
thank you all you really have helped me.
i mean obviously i will take your advice and go with my feelings, gut and head. I will come back to look at this because I know I can't figure it all out in a moments notice.
but you are all great and I really appreciate it.
beachbum05
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Re: Im new but have been lurking for quite some time...(LONG)
I think someone on this thread said that if you are tempted by other men then you must not love FH that much...
I disagree. Temptations will ALWAYS happen. It would be really really abnormal, I think, if you were never attracted to another man EVER again.
The key is to TOTALLY avoid temptation and to make every effort to make the relationship you are in even stronger.
My advice to you (and this is only if you really want to stay with your current FH) is to completely cut this other person out of your life. Don't see them, don't talk to them, get rid of them. At the same time, open the doors of communication with your FH and talk to him about your relationship and how to make it stronger.
I'm a firm believer in making the best of your OWN situation. If you know yourself, and know you're a flirt (I'm not saying you are...but I'm using it as an example), don't put yourself into compromising situations (being at a dance club alone with your gf's, or going out for drinks with an attractive male colleague, etc.).
soon2bemrs2008
Posted:
Member since
Re: Im new but have been lurking for quite some time...(LONG)
Posted by beachbum05
I think someone on this thread said that if you are tempted by other men then you must not love FH that much...
I disagree. Temptations will ALWAYS happen. It would be really really abnormal, I think, if you were never attracted to another man EVER again.
The key is to TOTALLY avoid temptation and to make every effort to make the relationship you are in even stronger.
My advice to you (and this is only if you really want to stay with your current FH) is to completely cut this other person out of your life. Don't see them, don't talk to them, get rid of them. At the same time, open the doors of communication with your FH and talk to him about your relationship and how to make it stronger.
I'm a firm believer in making the best of your OWN situation. If you know yourself, and know you're a flirt (I'm not saying you are...but I'm using it as an example), don't put yourself into compromising situations (being at a dance club alone with your gf's, or going out for drinks with an attractive male colleague, etc.).
great advice. see your last part of your quote is me. I am a huge flirt and it was not the first time I had been in that kind of situation but it was definitely the first time I had given in. But you are absolutely right, I need to cut that out of my life. evaluate things with me and my fiance.
KarinAmanda
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Re: Im new but have been lurking for quite some time...(LONG)
there isnt anything I can say that the other girls havent already ... but, i do hope things work out for you! if they do, we will be walking down the aisle on the same day! keep us updated - we are here to listen and offer advice wherever we can...
KitWisdom
Posted:
Member since
Re: Im new but have been lurking for quite some time...(LONG)
Posted by beachbum05
I think someone on this thread said that if you are tempted by other men then you must not love FH that much...
I disagree. Temptations will ALWAYS happen. It would be really really abnormal, I think, if you were never attracted to another man EVER again.
The key is to TOTALLY avoid temptation and to make every effort to make the relationship you are in even stronger.
My advice to you (and this is only if you really want to stay with your current FH) is to completely cut this other person out of your life. Don't see them, don't talk to them, get rid of them. At the same time, open the doors of communication with your FH and talk to him about your relationship and how to make it stronger.
I'm a firm believer in making the best of your OWN situation. If you know yourself, and know you're a flirt (I'm not saying you are...but I'm using it as an example), don't put yourself into compromising situations (being at a dance club alone with your gf's, or going out for drinks with an attractive male colleague, etc.).
I'm Amening you and singing your praises!
You gave much better advice than I could with my long winded and meandering comments, lol.
soon2bemrs2008
Posted:
Member since
Re: Im new but have been lurking for quite some time...(LONG)
Posted by KitWisdom
Posted by beachbum05
I think someone on this thread said that if you are tempted by other men then you must not love FH that much...
I disagree. Temptations will ALWAYS happen. It would be really really abnormal, I think, if you were never attracted to another man EVER again.
The key is to TOTALLY avoid temptation and to make every effort to make the relationship you are in even stronger.
My advice to you (and this is only if you really want to stay with your current FH) is to completely cut this other person out of your life. Don't see them, don't talk to them, get rid of them. At the same time, open the doors of communication with your FH and talk to him about your relationship and how to make it stronger.
I'm a firm believer in making the best of your OWN situation. If you know yourself, and know you're a flirt (I'm not saying you are...but I'm using it as an example), don't put yourself into compromising situations (being at a dance club alone with your gf's, or going out for drinks with an attractive male colleague, etc.).
I'm Amening you and singing your praises!
You gave much better advice than I could with my long winded and meandering comments, lol.
you were both great. trust me. i thank you and all the others.
ant n tilde
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Re: Im new but have been lurking for quite some time...(LONG)
Posted by beachbum05
I'm a firm believer in making the best of your OWN situation. If you know yourself, and know you're a flirt (I'm not saying you are...but I'm using it as an example), don't put yourself into compromising situations (being at a dance club alone with your gf's, or going out for drinks with an attractive male colleague, etc.).
so so so so so so true! this is a great point and this has to be a conscious decision!
good luck in whatever you choose!
bella1028
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Re: Im new but have been lurking for quite some time...(LONG)
I have to say I was dating someone for many many years when I met my FH. It was unintentional, but I really began to develop feelings for FH(obviously). I am in NO WAY telling you to cheat or be sneaky. However, if I never explored what I did, I would have regretted it b/c I now know what I felt with ex was not right. All I am suggesting is that you stop to think about your feelings and do not jump into any marriage plans until you are sure about what it is you are feeling. I think a talk with FH is necessary...I am sorry that at what should be a better time, you are feeling sad and confused...you never know though ...it could turn out to be a blessing in disguise...I wish you a lot of luck...
soon2bemrs2008
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Re: Im new but have been lurking for quite some time...(LONG)
Posted by bella1028
I have to say I was dating someone for many many years when I met my FH. It was unintentional, but I really began to develop feelings for FH(obviously). I am in NO WAY telling you to cheat or be sneaky. However, if I never explored what I did, I would have regretted it b/c I now know what I felt with ex was not right. All I am suggesting is that you stop to think about your feelings and do not jump into any marriage plans until you are sure about what it is you are feeling. I think a talk with FH is necessary...I am sorry that at what should be a better time, you are feeling sad and confused...you never know though ...it could turn out to be a blessing in disguise...I wish you a lot of luck...
that is what im worried about because this new guy has so many qualities that i love, but he is new so im not sure if that is why.
like things that i didnt mind with fh started to bother me and when i met this new guy those things are things that he is all about...and its just...
it has to do about how he is driven, ambitious, wants the best out of life...and sometimes i feel that fh floats by and settles. and i am a go getter.
tlp123
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Member since
Re: Im new but have been lurking for quite some time...(LONG)
Posted by soon2bemrs2008
Posted by bella1028 QUOTE]
that is what im worried about because this new guy has so many qualities that i love, but he is new so im not sure if that is why.
like things that i didnt mind with fh started to bother me and when i met this new guy those things are things that he is all about...and its just...
it has to do about how he is driven, ambitious, wants the best out of life...and sometimes i feel that fh floats by and settles. and i am a go getter.
There might be some compatibility issues, but it may also be that there are just some differences that you and your FH must work through. There will always be differences, no matter who you are with. If you decide to stay in your relationship with FH, you definitely need to address them with him. If you don't address them, the problems will get deeper.
When you meet someone new, you see all the great things, but there will be differences down the road if you develop a relationship.
