Is this a rebound or real love? Help...IM new

What would I say if I was talking to my little sister with the facts you have laid out - that's the question???

Honestly, I would tell her to slow down. Yes, it is possible to know that you're in love after a short period of time, and yes it's possible to know that you have found your soulmate after a short period of time. However, the fact that he is under pressure from his family to get married and that he still keeps in regular touch with the ex, combined with the fact that he felt compelled to have a friend check up on her because she was upset, and he cried with her, are all red flags. His relationship with her may very well be over, but I don't think his feelings for her ended when the relationship did.

It sounds like your sister has some good insight into the situation and her viewpoint (that he is still too angry over the breakup to let his true feelings come to the forefront) may very well be exactly what is going on.

I think 7 weeks is still the puppy love phase and you guys need to give each other some more time before you are ready to get married - ESPECIALLY if you have any doubts as to the nature of the relationship!!!!

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Posted by longislandlove

NO, he didnt give me a ring yet, her ring cost him 10 grand and he didnt find anyone to buy it yet.

and the lunch dates he tell me all about them, the last one two weeks ago..she told him she wanted him back and assumed they would get back together, since it was only been 5 months since their breakup. He said she cried alot and hugged him, he cried too and kissed her cheek and forehead and told her he was sorry but he has moved on and he is happy with me.

the thing is my sister thinks, he is mad that she broke up with him in the first place and he hasnt realized it yet that he loves her, thats why he cried when she cried..but then why would he tell me the truth, he could have easily lied. he said he called one of thier mutual friends to check up on her, b/c he felt bad leaving her like that.

I appreciate all your responses, there really is noone else in my life I could talk to..and u guys are not biased at all..

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this man comes with drama, you really should put wedding plans aside. Even if your parents are presuring you.
How long is he going to keep having lunch with her. it might not bother you now, but it will once you feel that you're sharing his attention.

I wish you the very best. Relationships are never going to be 100% easy, there are always going to be some complications along the way, even in the best case. I think you should have a very serious heart-to-heart talk with your fiance, discuss ALL your concerns openly, and try to get to the bottom of everything. If you are going to be married to him, you have to be sure that you're able to talk to each other about anything & everything. Communication is essential.
I agree with everyone else that you should have a long engagement. It's not fun to think about, but it's the truth that it's better to have to call off an engagement than to get a divorce. Don't let family rush you or pressure you into marriage, it's your life and YOU are the one who has to be comfortable with all your decisions, especially something as serious as marriage. I'd suggest a 2-year engagement at least, with very minimal wedding planning during the next year. Just spend time together, nurture the love that you have, and see what happens.
I think it's very possible to know that you're meant for each other after only 7 weeks (my FH and I knew after 2-3 weeks together). But, we waited 5 years before getting engaged to make sure we had gotten through all the ups and downs together and were out of that honeymoon phase. I too agree that after 11 years with his ex, those feelings will not fade automatically. I hate to say it, but he needs to stop spending so much time with her. If he's truly committed to marrying you, he needs to put you first and put your mind at ease by distancing himself from her. This is the only way they will each truly be able to move on. Sometimes we stay with someone because they're comfortable and they're what we've known for so long, and it's hard to admit that it's really over. It sounds like your fiance is very happy with you and genuinely loves you. However, it's impossible for any of us to tell whether this is a rebound relationship or not. If those close to you are telling you it is, that is a sign to you to take things slow with your fiance, and not get married yet, especially since you're not 100% sure.
Bottom line, my advice is, take things slow but listen to your gut and your heart, wait a while before walking down the aisle, make sure he is able to willingly distance himself from his ex, and have a talk with him laying it all out on the table.
Best of luck to you

This time in your life should be the happiest of all times. You deserve it all, and even if you have a shadow of a doubt, you must ,must, must ,listen to it. You should sit and talk with him and discuss all your hopes and fears. I think you need to lay all your issues on the table immediately, because so many people get caught up in the 'wedding' they forget why they are really getting married. OH, I wish I could give you a hug right now

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Posted by longislandlove

Thank you for all the advice...keep them coming.

Okay another thing is, he is pressured from his family to get married. I am 28 and he is 32. we are of greek decent. his ex was also greek. I think family pressure to get married is also a reason, we are pushing forward. they will not allow us to wait for 2 years to just date.

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Sweety... I know what it is like to come from a full blow Greek family. Both me and FH are 100% Greek. We did not have the same pressure on us to get mearried since we are a bit younger. His older brother put pressure on himself since he thought that is what was expected of him and now he is in a not-so- happy marriage.
they were happy at first but everything happened so fast they hardly got any time to really get to know eachother. For God sakes Im with FH for over 5 years and I have known him for over & and I still learn new little things about him.

My eyes have seen waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay too much cuz of of things that were rushed. And now that are people regreting the choices they made.

If you love him and he claims that he loves you then wait alittle while b4 you jump right into the planning. If he loves you then he will not go anywhere and if you love him then the same should go for you.
But why the big rush? Who cares if people are pressuring you..... it is your life not theirs!!!!! and u should reall y have a clear head, without anyone breathing down your neck, to figure out what it is you want and what you think it right for you.

I wish you all the luck in the world!!!
Filakia

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Posted by longislandlove

They have only had lunch 3x in the past 5 months..
But I didnt add in how she mentioned to him that while they were going out, this guy forcefully kissed her and hit her, well he got mad and wanted to kick this guys *** now that he found out.

My sister is really against this, but I really love him also.

our parents have also met. I just dont know why my first real love comes with her baggage. How can I give him up?. I have talked to him about the whole meeting her thing and he said he will not see her again, he just felt bad for her, b/c she kept crying.

I dont know if he still loves her?

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U have to stop feeling bad for her!!!!!!
It is his choice to be with you. Hey may still care about her, cuz it is hard to just turn off that switch over night, but he doesnt seem to be IN love with her. there is a very big difference.
VERY BIG!!
Take things one day at a time. Stop thinking about other people and think about youself and ur happiness.

I felt strongly compelled to post my opinion on this matter. I apologize in advance for the long response, but I've had a similar experience in my life and I felt the need to share.

I have no doubt that your feelings for your FH are sincere and that you both may be truly in love. Love has no time frame and if you feel it in 6 weeks or 6 months - YOU FEEL IT! But the most important thing to consider here is that LOVE DOES NOT SUSTAIN ALL IN A RELATIONSHIP. It serves as more of a foundation, or glue, to help solidify all the other aspects of the relationship and keep things stable. It's one of the strongest ingredients needed in any union but it isn't the ONLY one.

Some of the others include trust, respect and compassion. The doubts you have displayed here are a clear indication that you know something is awry. And when you have doubts/questions you must always, always listen to them. It's the only way your heart and mind keep things in check and keep you protected.

Your FH may love you deeply and he may seem as if he is ready to get married, but he has a lot of 'red flags' popping up and I really don't think you should ignore them. He may not still be in love with his ex, which I honestly find a little hard to believe because he seems very keen on helping her in her times of need. But that can be chalked up to him being a kind soul who feels badly for her. But the zest with which he seems to want to help her is what concerns me - i.e., wanting to seriously harm the man that hit her. When you feel the urge to save someone from a situation like that it is because you truly love them and the thought of someone else doing them harm kills you. If he was over her, he may feel obliged to have a 'pep talk' with her of sorts, but he shouldn't feel compelled to inject himself into her life as her savior. That desire should be minimal or nonexistent now sthat he has you.

I do appreciate him for being honest and upfront with you by keeping you abreast of all conversations/meetings with his ex. But don't give him 'credit' for it as if he is doing something special - after all, he is your FH and he should be honest with you anyway. But just because he's being truthful doesn't mean he's making the right decisions. His actions clearly indicate that he feels very strongly about his ex still and he may not even be able to admit that to himself. He clearly wants to be with you because he's informed all his friends/family and yes, even his ex, but that doesn't negate all the signs that show how much he truly is concerned about her.

With all this said, please know that I am not trying to discourage you from being with your FH. Everyone always has a different path that ultimately leads them to marriage. Some people have bliss for many years as a couple and don't experience true hardship or real conflict until after they are married. Others go through hell and highwater and then have a blissful marriage. It's a PROCESS that everyone must go through and they do so in different ways.

This is your first love, and although it feels wonderful, heed the warnings from all the other brides - they warn for valid reasons. Talk to your FH and really sit down and find out where there is this rush to marry, especially after his being in a long term relationship that obviously affects him. You can still be together and work through all of this, but he also needs a little time to sort through all the feelings he still obviously has for his ex. You can also use the time to make sure your feelings and expectations aren't ignored. YOU SHOULD DEMAND HAPPINESS IN YOUR LIFE, but no one will give it to you if you don't take the time to show them that you are giving it to yourself first. It's ok to say 'I am not willing to deal with this because I deserve better.'

And please, please, please don't let family pressure you into making decisions that will affect the rest of your life. You are the only one who has to live with your decisions. Good or bad, the burden lays on you. But the one amazing thing about family is that if they truly love you, all is forgiven and forgotten once they see how happy you are. They can criticize until the cows come home, but eventually, time passes and they stop the nagging and the drama. They are the few people in this world that can do that without malice (unless you come from a truly dysfunctional family that hates each other, which I highly doubt).

Just to give you an example, I was previously engaged to be married and canceled the wedding 2 months before. Everyone was stunned and shocked and many were even disappointed. But you get through it. It's not easy and you may feel as if you're disappointing everyone, but it's better to do it now than after you marry. You KNOW that something isn't right with this situation - I can feel it with every post you write. Don't ignore it. Being honest with yourself can be scary in situations like this but it can also be very empowering. And even if it doesn't work out, what's the worst that can happen. Your heart hurts for a while, but you get over it. You are stronger than you think and there is always something waiting for you down the road that is better. After all - YOU ARE WOMAN _ YOU ARE RESILIENT!!!

I leave you with a quote I heard from Oprah (don't laugh - I live by it):

'God gives us clues along life's path - we just have to listen to them.

First he faintly whispers to us ....... then he taps on the head,
if we don't heed the tap he hits us with a brick, and then ultimately, we hit a brick wall.'

Listen to the signs while you still can and follow your heart. I truly and sincerely wish you all the best in whatever decision you make. Just make sure it is the right one for you.

First don't let you parents influence you in getting married faster then you are ready! What will happen if you are the rebound girl would you rather go thru a divorce, etc....it's all at you expense listen to yourself...they can wait an extra year (it won't hurt them).

Second it could truley be love but if you are already fearing losing him then things need to be worked out before you comitte to a marriage.

If you feel uncomfortable about him meeting with her for lunch, or wanting to beat up a guy that kissed her you need to tell him, he needs to be sensitve to your feelings, needs, and wants. Howver for a girl like me I need to truley know someone cares about me and those things that hurt me are not going on. If I was in this position just knowing he feels that way about another girl...I wouldn't be able to think he cares about me the way he should (but everyone is different).

This is not something you are going to like to hear but I dated my FH for three years we broke up for 2 years (I broke up with him) and I didn't think I would ever take him back...I flat out told him so....and we did get back togeather....2 years later....and we have been togeather for a year....it does happen that people in love breakup and get back togeather....There is no need to RUSH...if you are in love and togeather spending time what's the big deal about rushing into a marriage....Yes, the idea of marriage is nice but if you are unsure and the worst happens...well it will be alot harder to deal with if you already started planning the wedding or worst you are married!

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Posted by tuti0907

I felt strongly compelled to post my opinion on this matter. I apologize in advance for the long response, but I've had a similar experience in my life and I felt the need to share.

I have no doubt that your feelings for your FH are sincere and that you both may be truly in love. Love has no time frame and if you feel it in 6 weeks or 6 months - YOU FEEL IT! But the most important thing to consider here is that LOVE DOES NOT SUSTAIN ALL IN A RELATIONSHIP. It serves as more of a foundation, or glue, to help solidify all the other aspects of the relationship and keep things stable. It's one of the strongest ingredients needed in any union but it isn't the ONLY one.

Some of the others include trust, respect and compassion. The doubts you have displayed here are a clear indication that you know something is awry. And when you have doubts/questions you must always, always listen to them. It's the only way your heart and mind keep things in check and keep you protected.

Your FH may love you deeply and he may seem as if he is ready to get married, but he has a lot of 'red flags' popping up and I really don't think you should ignore them. He may not still be in love with his ex, which I honestly find a little hard to believe because he seems very keen on helping her in her times of need. But that can be chalked up to him being a kind soul who feels badly for her. But the zest with which he seems to want to help her is what concerns me - i.e., wanting to seriously harm the man that hit her. When you feel the urge to save someone from a situation like that it is because you truly love them and the thought of someone else doing them harm kills you. If he was over her, he may feel obliged to have a 'pep talk' with her of sorts, but he shouldn't feel compelled to inject himself into her life as her savior. That desire should be minimal or nonexistent now sthat he has you.

I do appreciate him for being honest and upfront with you by keeping you abreast of all conversations/meetings with his ex. But don't give him 'credit' for it as if he is doing something special - after all, he is your FH and he should be honest with you anyway. But just because he's being truthful doesn't mean he's making the right decisions. His actions clearly indicate that he feels very strongly about his ex still and he may not even be able to admit that to himself. He clearly wants to be with you because he's informed all his friends/family and yes, even his ex, but that doesn't negate all the signs that show how much he truly is concerned about her.

With all this said, please know that I am not trying to discourage you from being with your FH. Everyone always has a different path that ultimately leads them to marriage. Some people have bliss for many years as a couple and don't experience true hardship or real conflict until after they are married. Others go through hell and highwater and then have a blissful marriage. It's a PROCESS that everyone must go through and they do so in different ways.

This is your first love, and although it feels wonderful, heed the warnings from all the other brides - they warn for valid reasons. Talk to your FH and really sit down and find out where there is this rush to marry, especially after his being in a long term relationship that obviously affects him. You can still be together and work through all of this, but he also needs a little time to sort through all the feelings he still obviously has for his ex. You can also use the time to make sure your feelings and expectations aren't ignored. YOU SHOULD DEMAND HAPPINESS IN YOUR LIFE, but no one will give it to you if you don't take the time to show them that you are giving it to yourself first. It's ok to say 'I am not willing to deal with this because I deserve better.'

And please, please, please don't let family pressure you into making decisions that will affect the rest of your life. You are the only one who has to live with your decisions. Good or bad, the burden lays on you. But the one amazing thing about family is that if they truly love you, all is forgiven and forgotten once they see how happy you are. They can criticize until the cows come home, but eventually, time passes and they stop the nagging and the drama. They are the few people in this world that can do that without malice (unless you come from a truly dysfunctional family that hates each other, which I highly doubt).

Just to give you an example, I was previously engaged to be married and canceled the wedding 2 months before. Everyone was stunned and shocked and many were even disappointed. But you get through it. It's not easy and you may feel as if you're disappointing everyone, but it's better to do it now than after you marry. You KNOW that something isn't right with this situation - I can feel it with every post you write. Don't ignore it. Being honest with yourself can be scary in situations like this but it can also be very empowering. And even if it doesn't work out, what's the worst that can happen. Your heart hurts for a while, but you get over it. You are stronger than you think and there is always something waiting for you down the road that is better. After all - YOU ARE WOMAN _ YOU ARE RESILIENT!!!

I leave you with a quote I heard from Oprah (don't laugh - I live by it):

'God gives us clues along life's path - we just have to listen to them.

First he faintly whispers to us ....... then he taps on the head,
if we don't heed the tap he hits us with a brick, and then ultimately, we hit a brick wall.'

Listen to the signs while you still can and follow your heart. I truly and sincerely wish you all the best in whatever decision you make. Just make sure it is the right one for you.

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Beautifully said!!!

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Posted by longislandlove

OMG! that was nicely said. Thank You all. I wont give him up, but I will speak to him and go slow. He is the one that wants to move ahead, fast.

I feel like I will also answer his cell the next time she calls and tell her to leave us alone. she texts him like 4x a day, he never responds.

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I wouldn't do that. It isn't your job to get her out of your life, it is his. When he is ready to do that, then he is ready to be married. (sorry so blunt)

Honestly, it is really hard to give you some advise. A lot of good 'comments' have been made. The only one I could tell you is... take your time and don't jump too fast.

Now, I am not sure how you can love someone after 7 weeks. As harsh as it sounds, there is a difference between 'lust' and 'love'. The excitement of a new relationship as new as it is is not going to show each other who YOU or HE are really as a person.

FH and I did not have any rebound relationships and were honest with ourselves in term of our feeling for previous relationships. Within 3 months we kinda knew we wanted to be together. He proposed 7 months after we first met. Everybody thought we were rushing. As great as the relationship as been (we never had an argument), I don't think I would have said yes to a proposal after 7 weeks. I don't think 7 weeks is enough to know someone but you get a pretty good idea after 6 months (in my opinion).

Red flags: he still cares about how she feels, he still talks to her, his parents are pressuring him to get married, he proposed after 7 weeks.