Is this normal??? Sorry it's long!

I know at least one person will know who I am, but here goes...

In November, my then boyfriend had to go away on business. I knew he had to leave early and he half woke me up that morning. I fell back to sleep and woke up a little later, worried that I didn't get to say good-bye!

I got out of bed to grab my cell and saw a dim light from the second bedroom. The door was cracked open only about 3 inches. I said 'baby' and opened the door. He slammed the keyboard drawer closed and frantically began clicking at the screen. I didn't have my contacts in, but thought it was p**n.

I didn't freak out and I let him go away on his trip. A friend told me how to check the history, so when I got home from work that day I needed to find out.

The history bar was filled with web sites for p**n. I nearly collapsed. I never in a million years thought my man would be into that. Until that moment, everything was great, or so I thought. First off, I can't completey say it's all his fault, I was so stressed at work we weren't intimate for over a month.

Anyways...I felt so bertayred that he was sneaking out of bed at night to look at this trash, I left him and went back to my parents. When he came home from his trip, I wasn't there.

We talked it through over the phone and he said it's normal for guys to do that, plus we hadn't ---- in over a month. He said he didn't want me to think that all he wanted me for was ---- and that he didn't want to upset me and he would wait till I was in the mood again. So I forgave him and went back.

About two months later, he asked me to marry him. But, ever since that day, I have never trusted him the same. I am even worried about him cheating, but I have to say that he doesn't drink and he's not out at clubs. He's always home with me if we're not travelling. I felt that I hit a wall...here's this man that I love and I was living with him and then realized I didn't know him as well as I thought I did. I feel like I'm paranoid all of the time now by checking his cell and his e-mail...we've gotten into many fights about that...but he maintains he has not looked at it since.

I've made an effort to keep up the intimacy and to try to let the past rest, but it keeps coming up. We're going to pick out wedding locations soon and to speak with the priest.

Please help me here......is it normal for guys to do the p**n thing. Should I be concerned or should I trust that he's telling me truth? I'm always worried 5 years from now I'll find myself in a Lifetime movie like being married to a s*x addict. I thought about trying to watch that stuff with him...if that would help but I just can't see past how this situation changed how I look at him. He doesn't want to do therapy...can I look past this?

I can only speak for myself but I am very open about that stuff. It doesn't bother me and I think it can be very educational (not joking). I am sorry that you are so upset. Maybe he was sneaking around because he knew what your reaction would be

Having grown up with all guys (my brother and all his friends), I can say that is normal for guys to look at that stuff. Back in the day, guys used to subscribe to real magazines and, IMO, I don't see it as being much different. I think I would only get offended if you FH was looking at it when you were ready & willing to get it on, like he was viewing it as a substitute. I wouldn't have a problem if my FH looked at it on those occassions when I was either away or not interested. Just so you know, I'm not a very lenient person--my FH is not allowed to go to strip clubs--but I don't have a problem with this. I figure, better he's on the internet than out in a strip club. I also don't think it's an indication that he wants to cheat on you. Hope this helps!

I can understand why your upset. For girls its different. I know my FH has a few of 'those dvds' stashed away. But it really doesnt bother me because I know he's not going to strip clubs or anything. This is def and guy thing and I think you should talk to him and set some boundaries. Again, Im ok with my FH watching his DVD's, but Im not ok with him going to clubs. So we came to an agreement. He also doesnt leave them around so i can see them, and he does his 'thing' privately. If you feel betrayed though, there may be some underlying issues which I suggest you go see a counselor. Again, its normal to feel yucky about the situation, but he could be doing a lot worse.

BTW - Is it websites or actual chatting? That's a whole different story.

Yeah, it's pretty normal, I hate to say.

I mean, as long as it's normal porn, not like, barnyard animals or kids or something.

I'm sorry you're going through all this - can you think of any other reason not to trust him?

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Posted by Anonymous1674

..can I look past this?

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only you can answer this...

i personally have nothing against porn...if it was inappropriate (god for bid involving kids or something) then i'd worry...or if it was constantly used as a replacement for something that was lacking in your life...if looking turned to cyber-sex or something like that...

and like anything else, there are lines and extremes...i think there can be a healthy balance...

but, if you don't like it then you don't (but that's not the issue) you don't have to change your attitude about it...but maybe with some more of an understanding about why he's into it, you'll better be able to get past it..(if that's what you want to do.)

Wow! I have to say, and I hope you don't get mad, but I think you're making a bigger deal out of this than necesary. I won't say ALL, but most men do enjoy porn from time to time. I personally don't see anything wrong with it. And yes, I have watched porn with my FH. I don't view watching porn as cheating or as something that will lead him to cheating. Unless of course he's having cyber s#x then that's a different story.
As far as him watching it behind your back goes, he was/is probably afraid or embarassed. Look at it from his perspective, you found out and moved out of your apartment, so that just reaffirms in his mind why he was keeping it from you in the first place.
I don't think counseling is necesary for you two. I think it may take you a little while to get past this, but I don't think what he did was all that wrong or even abnormal.

Judging from his reaction when you caught him, it seems that HE may even be ashamed of it as well.

Looking at it is a normal thing and not an indication that he will cheat on you later on.

However I do think that both of you should talk about this more openly either by yourselves or to a professional. IMO, it seems that both of you have an issue with it.

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Posted by PrincessRose

Yeah, it's pretty normal, I hate to say.

I mean, as long as it's normal porn, not like, barnyard animals or kids or something. I'm not 100% comfortable with it, but I trust FH 100%.

I'm sorry you're going through all this - can you think of any other reason not to trust him?

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ditto...it isn't great for me to say that it's normal, but it is...i've gotten past my anger and now i tease him about it...i know he isn't with other women and that he loves me incredibly. in fact, it can even help a relationship, if you let it.

I must agree with most of the ladies here. While my FH is only into porn once in awhile, I know my brother (who is married with kids) is really into porn. From websites, videos to magazines. His wife has always known about it (as has all of us in his family who joke about it). I think most men are into it....and I really would not be worried if my FH was into it either.

As for chatting, I think that is wrong so you should clear that up with your FH. That to me is cheating and I would not accept that.

If its just porn look at it this way - he's not out at clubs trying to pick other girls up, he's not out at strip clubs touching other woman - unless you are worried that he could be this way I think what he does is pretty normal to the average man.

I think it's normal unless it's something extreme like violence, children, animals... Otherwise I think it's a normal healthy thing for men or women to do. I don't know a guy that doesn't look at some form of it.

HOWEVER, if it is something that bothers you you MUST discuss this with him. Understanding why he does, or exactly what he looks at might help you, setting boundries, as another poster mentioned previously might also help you.

Just the fact that he looks at p**n does not mean he cheats or goes to strip clubs, but the only way you can set your mind at ease and trust him is to talk about it.

I hope you can find comfort somehow. You aren't wrong to be bothered by it, he isn't wrong for doing it but you both need to come to an understanding about it.

There are a few things in what you wrote that bother me more than the porn viewing (FI and I have watched it together, and I don't think that that in itself is that big a deal, but the fact he felt he needed to hide it is). First off you weren't intimate in a month, and he won't consider counseling. The lack of intimacy makes me think that he turned to something (or someone) else to satisfy him. When there are gaps in intimacy (which happens) I think it should be discussed, and the issues why discussed. The fact that he won't do counseling would worry me. Whether or not your concerns are valid, if you are worried and he values the relationship, to me he should be willing to do whatever it is that would make it work to satisfy you--including counseling. Good luck!

You know what, I think it's normal, too. I found sites like that on my then-BF's computer (by accident--I thought he had some kind of virus that was downloading the stuff. When I told him, he got all embarrassed and admitted it was his!)

I told him it was no big deal, because I don't think it is. Men are just different from us, and men like to look at that stuff. BUT I was really shocked, and sort of hurt, and it made me think differently about him. Knowing it's normal for men to do that still doesn't prepare you for YOUR man doing it! So I don't think you're wrong for having the reaction you did. It's definitely strange and upsetting to find out you don't know your guy as well as you thought. Still, looking and doing are very different things, and I've never heard anyone say that p**n leads to cheating.

If you love him and you want to marry him, you're going to have to let it go, I think. You can't go into marriage checking up on him the way you have been--if you do, you'll both end up resenting each other.

I don't think that it a big deal. It seems to be pretty normal. Just let him know that he can be honest with you about it. He doesn't have to sneak it behind your back. I hope that you will have better feelings about your relationship if you are honest with each other.

Sounds completely normal to me... and it's understandable for him to feel embarrassed at getting caught in the act, but he shouldn't have to feel ashamed. Maybe you two can agree on an understanding that this is something he does from time to time, and respect his private time. (and he should respect yours if you ever feel the need... )

I don't have any problem with people maintaining sexual fantasies, enjoying porn, etc. as long as no-one's feelings are hurt. Guess it's different for everyone though.

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and I've never heard anyone say that p**n leads to cheating.

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Me neither.

I can honestly say that I have never met a guy that wasn't into porn. That is what most of them do. We girls just like different things. Just because he likes p**n doesn't mean he is weird or cheating or not completely in love with you. It just means he likes it. My DH watches it when I am sleeping or not around. I have caught him a couple times up late in the living room and he quickly switches the channel. I don't think it is a big deal. I have bought him playboy before when there was someone in it he liked. I know everybody is different but, you definitely need to come to terms with this. You two need to discuss it and find common ground. Chasing him around and checking his messages is not healthy. That just leads to bigger problems. I wish you luck!!

I agree, most guys are gonna look... I think it's pretty normal for them :) Don't worry- I'm sure things will turn out fine!

Good luck!