Is/was anyone as terrified as I am?

My DH wants us to start a family.
I am terrified. I can't think of a single thing I want to do 24/7, forever!
If you were terrified also please let me know how you felt when you baby was born. Were you worried for nothing? Was the experience as wonderful as they say? Or do you wish you hadn't done it.
I know these questions are personal so I will thank you in advance!
Deb

Any change is scary especially one that involves caring for a life 24/7 for YEARS!!! When Emma was born it really didnt occure to me that I had a baby and it was real (my c-section drugs did that for me). I have a video of me in the recovery room... I was out of it and I didnt seem too thrilled. But I got to hold her and about an hour later I was thrilled that my baby was finally here and she was wonderful. It wasnt an instant bond but pretty quick.

I am so glad I have my baby. She is amazing. There is something about knowing that everything she is learning is because you are the one teaching her. She is now at the stage when she wants me she will say mommy in the cutest little voice. You ask her for hugs and shell give you one. You ask her for a kiss and she kisses you. She just does some silly and mostly adorable things. If I had the choice whether to go back and conceive her or not I would have her 10000000000000 times over. I cant wait for the next one.

There is just something motherhood does for a woman. No amount of sleepless night, dirty diapers or crying could ever make me want to change my mind. As me again when she is a teenager though

Good luck with whatever you decide to do. Remember the parenting board is always here for you

Thanks
I have had so much support as a bride and newlywed on this sight. It's nice to know it continues on parenting too.
Keep it comming girls!
I have been on the pill 14 years and can't imagine going off and getting pregnant! I love babies but having your own is a whole other thing.

I believe my first words (and Patrick will verify this ) upon seeing the 2 pink lines were 'What the H E L L did we do?!?!?!'

So yes, I understand how you feel!

I'm excited and SCARED SILLY!

I don't think terrified is the right word...but I am nervous...even though we are still waiting a bit to start...

but I hope to be excited as well!!

I am nervous about starting a family just because the world is not the same as when I was born in 1977...lots has changed.....

BUT---I am also soooooooo thrilled with the idea of becoming a mommy......starting a family....(we will not TTC until after our wedding next year) SPending the weekend with my 1 and a half yeear old niece and 3 year old nephew and 5 year old niece...makes me want this even more...like KPToys says, the hugs and kisses and 'I love Yous' supersede every doubt you will have....

Deb, I will give you my brutally honest opinion.
If I was really, really having strong reservations about Motherhood, I would definitely put off TTC and I would tell my husband honestly about all my fears - leaving nothing out.

I do not tell people this usually, b/c it is often responded to with looks of horror...and you can imagine how that makes a new Mommy feel! I do not want to be judged by what I am about to share, but there's a chance that I will.

After Paul was born, I did not 'fall in love' with him instantly. I was not 'ga-ga' over my baby and there were moments when I didn't even want to hold him. I was tired, sore, scared to death and depressed and lonely. I kept telling Jeff, 'You love him more than I do.' b/c I just could not understand WHY I did not feel 'in love' with him the way everyone expected me to. Thank GOD I learned that my feelings were NORMAL and not some wicked trick that could only mean I somehow lacked the 'motherhood' gene.

Obviously, those initial feelings of doubt did pass, and I think alot of it had to do w/building confidence as a Mom. I had to show myself that I could care for another human - and do a pretty good job at it! But, sometimes Motherhood is more about going through a learning process and figuring out how to cope with so many new demands than just wanting a child, giving birth and being in love. There is so much more to it, and alot of women kid themselves about all the changes that will happen in their lives.

I know many women say that it [mothering] is wonderful and the best thing in the world, but if you really do not feel that it's something you'd want to do 24/7 for the rest of your life, than that means something IMO. Listen to your own heart b/c no amount of 'convincing' from any Mommy on this board or your DH should sway your decision. After 15 months on this journey, I can honestly say that I am still not the most confident Mom....but, I am learning every single day and trying my best. There are days where I cannot imagine my life without Paul and there are days when I do wonder what I'd be doing now, had he not arrived when he did. I don't think that makes me a bad person. It just makes me human. And honest.
Good luck w/your decision.

Claud, I really commend you on speaking your heart...


I am not a parent yet, so I do not know your exact feelings...

However, one of my closest and dearest friends had/has the same exact situation as you..she became a mommy at age 30, and it was a total surprise....TOTAL....she was on teh pill and all...she has other issues with depression and still is dealing with her fathers death 14 years ago...ibut when her son came, she was just like you...scared to toucyh him, hold him....fall in love with him...she had bad bad post pardum, that lasted longer than most....it was in her head...she did not think she could do it and she was scared to death to raise a child with the way things have happened..she had her son in December following the WTC....WHich made things even harder...It has been an uphill battle for her...she loves him unconditionally, and is finally beginning to get better for herslf...but as you say, every day is a learning experience, a new chance to do something different and to in a way, prove yourself...and she does have days she doubts herself and wonders what she wouild be doing now....then she fast forwards and thinks what her son will be doing in 10 years....and that helps her...its been a struggle over the past few years, but she is finally beginning to come around...she has been going to help and now has a daughter too...(also conceived on a DIFFERENT BC PILL) and still battles her depression, but things have changed and she views her children as a good thing...God would not ahve blessed her with children if she could not handle them...it has taken a long time and she is still healing, but it is...Everything happens for a reaason, whether you realize that reason when the baby is born, or when you are old and gray....

Being a best friend with her, I have seen and tried to understand her feelings, but you never know until it happens to you...

Claud,

Holly, thank you for your kind words. My goal in that post was to be balanced and honest. I hope that is how I came across. I think, however, that what your friend has experienced is far more severe than what I went through. I did not have post-partum depression.

However I too, have a friend who suffers from very bad depression (and is on meds for it), and she is now PG with her 3rd child. It is very difficult to watch her w/her kids somedays b/c she has admitted to me that she has moments where she cannot walk past the knives in the kitchen w/o thinking twice Oprah did a show on Motherhood last year that talked about some of these more 'dramatic' reactions to motherhood/child rearing.

Claud- anyone who judges you can go to (you know where). Your feelings were/are perfectly normal. In fact in many books that I have read it discusses those exact feelings. So good for you for writing about it. I think the 'silence' and the 'pretend perfect lives' honestly hurts women. Oprah did a whole show about that. If women talked about the difficulity, we would help sooo many other women. Instead women often pretend to have a perfect life and thus, it just makes us 'normal' women feel guilty, or bad in some way.

I think the decision to have a baby is not always an easy on. And I think putting if off, it not wrong either. You need to be ready to give up a lot, even though you gain a lot. I think if you have real apprenhesions that you should talk to your DH about them honestly.

I will add....and put earmuffs on my belly so my little pea can't hear!....I feel every day that I am not sure I ever wanted to do this. I knew it going into my marriage that the two of us weren't sure about a family. Claud your words are so honest - thank you - and Paul couldn't have more love I don't think!!, but I also want to make it clear that those feelings don't make me think we won't be wonderful parents either. Yes, our little baby was unexpected, but I am not concerned that we will be selfish, distant, unhappy, etc. (barring any post-partum depression of course, that I understand is common) - There is a lot of love between us - we just never felt compelled to be 'mommy and daddy'. Neither one of us - fortunately we were both honest about this fact the day we found out, and we have been so open about our emotions since. It is nice to see the 'God what are we DOING' turn into 'hey...this is getting pretty neat...I like this baby in there!' I don't think we have transformed, but we are definitely getting used to it, and allowing this new life to grow on us at our own pace.

The best thing Deb is honesty. Please tell your hubby how you feel, and make your decisions from there!

If you can stand one more reply on this subject I will give you a voice of experience opinion.

I agree completely with Claud and what she said. I can tell you that when I had my daughter at the age of 21 I was terrified. I remember walking in the door of our apartment and the realization dawned that I was now responsible for this other life. It hit me like a ton of bricks. I had no help except from my husband (now ex) who at the time was working two jobs. My daughter was not an easy baby. She cried all the time and slept about 4 hours a day in total. I had no sleep and I wished with all my heart many times over that she would just go away. There were a few times when I just couldn't take the crying anymore that I actually screamed at her to shut up. At one point I called my mom and told her that she had to come and take the baby away because I was so sleep deprived that I was afraid I would hurt her. At that time I just could not see myself doing this for the rest of my life. But I did and still do. And that baby is about to celebrate her 26th birthday!

There are no guarantees that parenthood will be wonderful. In fact I can tell you that it is by far, the most difficult job you will ever have in your life. There are times when you will hate it and other times when you will love it. There will be times that you want to run away and hide. And yet other times when your heart will be so full of love and pride and joy that you will know you did the right thing. Parenthood is rewarding and challenging, frightening and exciting, frustrating and joyful, all at the same time!!! Being a parent will give you the highest highs and the lowest lows and try your patience on a daily basis. BUT.........

You would be surprised at just how fast it goes. Once a child goes to preschool they begin to gain a real measure of independence. They start friendships and with each year become a little less dependent on mom and dad. Suddenly you find that the child who once needed you for everything, doesn't anymore. Sure being a parent is 24/7, but not forever. Children grow up fast and before you know it they are gone and raising children of their own. And after all this time I can honestly say that I would do it again. I would still stop at two though! That is a decision that I do not regret!!

Not everyone is cut out to be a parent, nor wants to be. I don't think that you are that much different than most people in questionning whether it is right for you. After all, it's not like a dress that you can take back to the store if you decide you don't like it. If you are really conflicted about this you might want to speak to someone, a counselor or a therapist who can help you sort it out.

I wish you much luck.

Thank you all so much for your support and honesty.
Dh knows how I feel and knew before we were married.
Sometimes I am excited at the idea and sometimes I can't imagine changing my life in such a major way.
I still have some serious soul searching to do.
Thank you all so much for your opinions, all were very helpful.
Thanks again!
Deb