Jewish brides with FH converting (ed)

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Posted by Goldi1021

I am trying to understand why he would want to uphold traditions of one faith when he is converting to another. If you are both Jewish, whether by conversion or birth, how would you have an interfaith home? I am not judging, just trying to understand.

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Honestly I was wondering the same thing. Not judging, it's just that it seems as though he still very much believes in his religion. If he still does, it may be better to just embrace both religions instead of abandoning one person's religion if they still believe in it. Religion is a system of beliefs. Please don't get mad, I don't know your situation.

ETA: We are an interfaith couple as well, no one is converting. We are raising our children christian (yes, my family is Jewish). Once they are old enough they can choose, but they are being baptized christian. If he is converting, it should be for the right reasons, make sure it is, otherwise it can lead to problems later.

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Posted by RedRoses

I know there's a bunch of you out there who are Jewish and whose FH's are converting. We always have a tough time around the holidays and I was wondering how others manage this stuff. IE: I feel like I want to have a Jewish family and he wants to have an interfaith family...would prefer that his kids believe in Santa Claus, 'celebrate' Christmas even if it's not in our home. I say Jewish kids don't generally believe in SC and Jewish families don't celebrate Xmas, but we can still go and be a part of the holiday with his fam. We tend to get very stuck on these issues, so I wanted to know how others manage it. Also, there's a bunch of yahoogroups for people who are converting, but anyone know of one for significant others of people converting? It'd be great to flesh out some ideas and get some support. thanks.

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just wanted to post as someone who HAS converted to judaism...

my family is catholic and celebrates christmas. although i do not believe in catholicism or christmas, i still 'celebrate' the family tradition of getting together, eating a big meal and spending time with my relatives. we exchange gifts on christmas day (although all of my parents gifts to us are wrapped in hanukkah paper LOL). my parents are very respectful of my decision. i dont find that this contradicts anything that i have learned about judaism. i love spending the holidays with my parents, b/c i love my family. just wanted to give you a different view on things from someone who has converted. its the same for easter too, we go to spend time with my family, not to celebrate the resurrection.

The most important thing to do is to lay in on the line and come up with something you are comfortable with.

I'm Jewish, and both my parents are, but my neighborhood growing up mostly was not. We had no X-mas tree, celebrated Hanukah, etc. But my mom always found more than 8 gifts for us. So we got a few extra presents from Santa. She felt it was easier than explaining why my friends all got Santa and I didn't. And she didn't want me to feel like I was being punished.

And I am sure that based on the tones here, someone is going to read this and think that what my mom did was ridiculous. But whatever. It worked for us and I turned out to be a decent person!!!!

Religion is a touchy subject as it is. I'm just speaking for myself here....

Anyway I think the whole point is..if you're Jewish you tend to not bring Christmas into your home. The tree, santa etc, are all symbols (to me) of a holiday we don't celebrate. It's fine to help a pal decorate their tree, etc..but I won't have my own tree. I won't have lights in front of my house and there will be no stockings over the fireplace. I was the only Jewish kid in my grade until I went to middle school and I somehow survived.

If I had converted to be Christian because I was marrying someone who was, I would embrace the symbols and traditions of my new religions and leave my old ones behind.

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Posted by ssdbk

The most important thing to do is to lay in on the line and come up with something you are comfortable with.

I'm Jewish, and both my parents are, but my neighborhood growing up mostly was not. We had no X-mas tree, celebrated Hanukah, etc. But my mom always found more than 8 gifts for us. So we got a few extra presents from Santa. She felt it was easier than explaining why my friends all got Santa and I didn't. And she didn't want me to feel like I was being punished.

And I am sure that based on the tones here, someone is going to read this and think that what my mom did was ridiculous. But whatever. It worked for us and I turned out to be a decent person!!!!

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No, I don't think what your Mom did was rediculous at all. My mom did the same thing, except instead of my presents being from Santa, mine were from the dog. Actually, my dog always managed to buy me presents for all occasions - birthdays, graduations, wedding showers, the wedding itself, you name it.

When I was visiting my family over Thanksgiving, my 4-year-old cousin (my mom's neice) asked when Santa was coming. I said 'Who needs Santa, You've got Auntie Eilene (my mom) and Jeter (mom's dog)!' She was totally okay with that.

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Posted by groovypeg

whne i was thinking about converting to judaism, i had a hard time understanding why i could not have a tree in the house. sometimes its hard to let go of things that you have grown used to. obviously, through the year it took me to convert, i realized why it was inappropriate to have a tree. but the rabbis who i learned from stressed to me that it was okay to spend time with my family and even decorate their tree in their home. perhaps you need to meet with your rabbi together to talk about this?

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Wow. What a slew of answers! To answer some questions that came up: No he has not yet converted. He is in the process, has been studying with a Rabbi for about a year. I have encouraged him to speak to the Rabbi about his doubts, fears, etc. because, as a 'mental health professional,' I know these feelings are a natural part of the course. Who isn't afraid of change? He's convinced that would be too much like therapy--all for another post! Also, I am in the process of setting up with my Rabbi a time to talk about these issues and see how much I'm digging my heals into 'just words' and how much I need to stand my ground. Groovypeg--I appreciate very much your comments because it helps me understand what someone in his position might be experiencing. In fact, I've always said not only is it okay, but I think it's crucial, that we go to Christmas, Easter, etc. with his family. I just don't want to 'celebrate' these holidays and it's difficult to figure out in this secular-ized society what celebrating means to different people. G-d help us all when Easter falls on a sedar evening. It's bad enough that Christmas and Channukah overlap this year! Anyway, this is certainly an ongoing topic of converstaion for myself and FH, and I would be totally cool with more people on the board posting their ideas...especially those who might be experiencing the same. How are others in my position managing it all?

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Posted by PrincessRose

Just so you understand, Eileen, being religious has nothing to do with which sect of Judaism you happen to subscribe to.

I'm a Reform Jew, but I'm very religious. I just happen to practice differently than an Orthodox or Hasidic Jew would. Celebrating Christmas with others, in their homes or out in public, is perfectly acceptable, but in my own home absolutely not.

That said, my DH's family is Conservative, which many people think (incorrectly) is 'more religious' than a Reform family would be. My MIL offered me Oreo Cookies 20 minutes after the Passover Seder (this is a BIG NO-NO).

There are a LOT of people who don't get this, but really, in any group, there are always going to be people who think they're better than others. There are many people in the more traditional sects who believe that Reform Jews are 'not Jewish enough', and in some cases the same argument is used against Conservatives, but that's because they don't understand the philosophies behind the different movements. But that's for another day.

Loren, if I were in your shoes I would sit down with your FH and make sure he really wants to convert, and that he's not just doing it for you. Then you should decide if you're okay with the 'I'm just doing this for you' answer, because his heart may not be in it.

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I asked my original question because I was confused. I am Jewish and I do share the Christmas holiday in the homes of people who celebrate Christmas. I have participated in festivities of other cultures/religions OUTSIDE of my home. I see nothing wrong with this form of enlightenment - to learn and celebrate for the sake of knowledge but it never enters a home I live/d in. Remember, in the Passover seder, it is the WISE son who asks the questions as one cannot become smarter without acquisitions of knowledge. To think all you know at one moment is all you need to know is rather close-minded IMO.

That being said, interfaith, interracial and yes even same sex marriages have presented themselves throughout my family. Cousins, siblings, etc have shared their differences and it has made for some terrific conversation.

To PrincessRose, I hear you loud and clear. As a Jew who is stuck somewhere between her Conservative upbringing and her preference for Reform Judaism which to me is less 'in your face' and more welcoming to differences as well as a fully egalitarian nature, I am personally conflicted. Now that FH and I have spent Jewish holidays, shared Jewish celebrations as well as Jewish times of sorrow, we are faced with what type of Jewish home we will have and how we will raise our children. HE is conservative. I am not. He does not feel comfortable with many practices that I cannot wait to participate in. I could not say an Aliyah with him at my nephew's Bar Mitzvah because we were not married and I am a Koheyn and he is an Israelite. I wasn't digging it at all. How could my love for this man keep me from standing next to him to honor my incredible nephew. It brought me to tears. We were reassigned to a different honor - lifting and dressing the Torah (which he nearly dropped because it was too heavy on the left side - New Year blues) and we had to deal with it.

I had been in a situation many years ago where an ex of mine (who was Jewish) was in a bridal party in a Catholic wedding. HE and the rest of the GMs were to come out from the side of the church (please forgive me for not knowing the name) and bow their heads in front of a large crucifix. He was also instructed to take communion. My ex couldnt and wouldnt do it. We simply do not bow and we do not believe in any images of G-d. Out of respect for the bride and groom, he approached the priest and told him of his dilemma and guess what the priest said. He said 'Well its nice to know we have a good Jew among us!' with a big smile on his face. I took it to mean that he respected him for being true to himself and his faith and not taking the name of HIS lord in vain. Needless to say, I was proud of him and felt much respect towards this priest who did not impose his faith upon my ex.

And THIS was where my original question stemmed from. In my head, once you are converted you are converted. It is an incredible sacrifice and an admirable one at that. I was often asked that if I met someone who wasn't Jewish, would I ask them to convert. I said absolutely not. Religion, though imposed on a child at a very young age, is in the heart. If you are inclined to retain the religion that you were raised in, then do so. IMO, conversion is a calling or a need to fulfill a missing part of one's life. Not just a process to appease a partner or her family. If that is the case, IMO, it is being done for the wrong reasons.

I only skimmed the thread - but to me - its nice enough that the guy is converting because he loves you. Why would you want him to give up things that made him happy as a child?


Sounds like you are being really selfish.


Its not like he is installing a nativity scene on your front lawn.

I think you need to ask him at least one more time and tell him you want to truth: Does he want to convert?

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Posted by Ronkonkomonga


Sounds like you are being really selfish.

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I really don't think that was necessary, nor does it bring any insight into the situation. Loren was asking other brides who are in similar situations how they are handling merging their two cultures and backgrounds. In any marriage, it can be a struggle to combine traditions of two families, and it is more difficult when you're from two different backgrounds.

IMO, if her FH is converting, then they are a Jewish family, not an interfaith family. She said that she still plans for them to go to her ILs to celebrate Christmas and Easter, but that she didn't want she and her FH to be giving their kids Christmas gifts themselves. That makes perfect sense to me, b/c in a Jewish household, you would not be giving Christmas gifts or teaching the kids to believe in Santa Claus.

That said, I don't think it's anyone's job here to be judging her FH's willingness or desire to convert. She's asking for the input of other brides who are dealing with similar situations.

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Posted by Jax430

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Posted by Ronkonkomonga


Sounds like you are being really selfish.

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I really don't think that was necessary, nor does it bring any insight into the situation. Loren was asking other brides who are in similar situations how they are handling merging their two cultures and backgrounds. In any marriage, it can be a struggle to combine traditions of two families, and it is more difficult when you're from two different backgrounds.

IMO, if her FH is converting, then they are a Jewish family, not an interfaith family. She said that she still plans for them to go to her ILs to celebrate Christmas and Easter, but that she didn't want she and her FH to be giving their kids Christmas gifts themselves. That makes perfect sense to me, b/c in a Jewish household, you would not be giving Christmas gifts or teaching the kids to believe in Santa Claus.

That said, I don't think it's anyone's job here to be judging her FH's willingness or desire to convert. She's asking for the input of other brides who are dealing with similar situations.

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I'm confused - are you a bride who is dealing with a similar situation?? Because if not then you have as little right to comment as anyone else.

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Posted by Sweetie2004

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Posted by Jax430

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Posted by Ronkonkomonga


Sounds like you are being really selfish.

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I really don't think that was necessary, nor does it bring any insight into the situation. Loren was asking other brides who are in similar situations how they are handling merging their two cultures and backgrounds. In any marriage, it can be a struggle to combine traditions of two families, and it is more difficult when you're from two different backgrounds.

IMO, if her FH is converting, then they are a Jewish family, not an interfaith family. She said that she still plans for them to go to her ILs to celebrate Christmas and Easter, but that she didn't want she and her FH to be giving their kids Christmas gifts themselves. That makes perfect sense to me, b/c in a Jewish household, you would not be giving Christmas gifts or teaching the kids to believe in Santa Claus.

That said, I don't think it's anyone's job here to be judging her FH's willingness or desire to convert. She's asking for the input of other brides who are dealing with similar situations.

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I'm confused - are you a bride who is dealing with a similar situation?? Because if not then you have as little right to comment as anyone else.

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You know, I knew someone was going to comment on that.

No, I'm not a bride dealing with a similar situation, but I am one of Loren's closest friends as well as one of her bridesmaids. Since I am well aware of the situation, I wanted to clarify the question she was asking, since some people seemed to be misinterpreting her post and making unwarranted judgements as well as hurtful and unconstructive comments.

ETA: If you read my original post, I never said that people who aren't going through a similar situation shouldn't post. What I said was that the judgements about her FH's willingness and desire to convert were uncalled for, as that was not what she was posting to ask about. Everyone has a right to post here - it's a public forum.

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I only skimmed the thread - but to me - its nice enough that the guy is converting because he loves you. Why would you want him to give up things that made him happy as a child?

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converting just because you love someone is not a good enough reason to convert. rabbis will not convert you if you only say your doing it out of love.i converted because spiritually, it was the right choice for me. and never once did my dh ask me to convert.

when you convert, you do have to 'give up' the things that comforted you in childhood i.e. a tree, going to church, saying the 'our father'. why? because when you convert, you don't believe in your previous religion anymore!

the comment that she is being selfish is very insensitive. what her fh is feeling is actually quite natural, and part of the process. he should be questioning himself. its a big decision to make.

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Posted by Jax430

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Posted by Sweetie2004

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Posted by Jax430

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Posted by Ronkonkomonga


Sounds like you are being really selfish.

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I really don't think that was necessary, nor does it bring any insight into the situation. Loren was asking other brides who are in similar situations how they are handling merging their two cultures and backgrounds. In any marriage, it can be a struggle to combine traditions of two families, and it is more difficult when you're from two different backgrounds.

IMO, if her FH is converting, then they are a Jewish family, not an interfaith family. She said that she still plans for them to go to her ILs to celebrate Christmas and Easter, but that she didn't want she and her FH to be giving their kids Christmas gifts themselves. That makes perfect sense to me, b/c in a Jewish household, you would not be giving Christmas gifts or teaching the kids to believe in Santa Claus.

That said, I don't think it's anyone's job here to be judging her FH's willingness or desire to convert. She's asking for the input of other brides who are dealing with similar situations.

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I'm confused - are you a bride who is dealing with a similar situation?? Because if not then you have as little right to comment as anyone else.

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You know, I knew someone was going to comment on that.

No, I'm not a bride dealing with a similar situation, but I am one of Loren's closest friends as well as one of her bridesmaids. Since I am well aware of the situation, I wanted to clarify the question she was asking, since some people seemed to be misinterpreting her post and making unwarranted judgements as well as hurtful and unconstructive comments.

ETA: If you read my original post, I never said that people who aren't going through a similar situation shouldn't post. What I said was that the judgements about her FH's willingness and desire to convert were uncalled for, as that was not what she was posting to ask about. Everyone has a right to post here - it's a public forum.

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I never said you or anyone else didn't have a right to post, but I think you alluded to that in your original post. I also think that some people who aren't going through 'similar' situations' but are dealing with this from a somewhat different perspective and sharing that - whether their stories/advice are helpful or not - are being flamed.

I've read many of Loren's posts - she seems very bright and capable. I think she did a fine job of clarifying her own question.

Today, few families are 'cookie cutter' examples. Loren and her FH could decide to incorporate any aspects of any religion into their lives that they feel comfortable with. It's about their beliefs, their family and their comfort level.

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Posted by Sweetie2004


I never said you or anyone else didn't have a right to post, but I think you alluded to that in your original post. I also think that some people who aren't going through 'similar' situations' but are dealing with this from a somewhat different perspective and sharing that - whether their stories/advice are helpful or not - are being flamed.

I've read many of Loren's posts - she seems very bright and capable. I think she did a fine job of clarifying her own question.

Today, few families are 'cookie cutter' examples. Loren and her FH could decide to incorporate any aspects of any religion into their lives that they feel comfortable with. It's about their beliefs, their family and their comfort level.

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My intention was never to flame anyone. Anyone who 'knows' me around here knows that I tend to avoid drama, much less start it. The only post I had a real problem with was
the one telling Loren that she was being selfish, as this was totally unconstructive and unhelpful.

You are correct - Loren is perfectly capable of clarifying her own question. I will let her continue to do so, if she so chooses, and stay out of it. I hate having my words misconstrued, especially on the internet, where things are frequently taken the wrong way, and I have much better things to do than repeatedly explaining myself. The truth of the matter is that people tend to 'hear' what they want to 'hear' when reading these posts, and there's not much I can do to change that.

As an interfaith bride, marrying into a family with a lot of interfaith marriages and many different ways of dealing with them, I can understand the dilemma you're facing with FH. i think you really really need to sit down and talk with him and find out what he's comfortable with. Converting is a huge step, it really changes your life so much more than you might think, and marriage si the same way, so it's two huge steps around the same time. He may be unwilling to give up these traditions and this may be something you have to bend on. Maybe you can try to incorporate christmas esque traditions in your chaunukah celebrations, or even celebrate the ancient holiday of yule, which falls on dec 21. That's when most of the christmas traditions came from anyway. Maybe you can get your FMILs famous christmas sugar cookie recipe and instead of cutting them itno christmas trees you cna cut them into stars, menorahs or dreydels(Sp?). Maybe you can find a secualr way to celebrate christmas. I know this mayt be uncomfortable for you, but there may be a way to celebrate it as a day of love, or even to celebrate the birth of a great jewish prophet, and teach your children some of jesus' teachings about loving one another, etc.

I think anytime there's a n interfiaht situation, even when a conversion happens, there';s a lot of compromise, and there are going to be things you have to give in on, but you can use it as a way of making your life richer and more fulfilling.

As for the interfaith families in our family. FH's sister is married interfaith, and the kids have had both catholic and jewish ceremonies, and they celebrate both holidays with various grandparents, but the parents have decided to raise them jewish. I don't think they have a plan for explaining the confusion that may cause, but the kids are still toddlers.

FH's cousin is intermarried and also raising the kids jewish. her husband has not converted but in front of his kids he completely denies his background. For the sake of the kids he had to tell them that Jesus is not the son of god. It seems so difficult and I'd never want anyone to have to deny their true beliefs to their children. I'm nto questioning your FH's desire to convert or wholeheartedness, but there may be things that he feels he can't deny and maybe you can find some way to honor them. FH and I don't have children, so we can't tell you if we're screwing them up, but we really try to find ways to integrate the holidyas and celebrate them with a lot of love and respect. I hope you can do the same thing

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Posted by Ronkonkomonga

I only skimmed the thread - but to me - its nice enough that the guy is converting because he loves you. Why would you want him to give up things that made him happy as a child?


Sounds like you are being really selfish.


Its not like he is installing a nativity scene on your front lawn.

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Very uncalled for. If you read the whole post, instead of just skimming it, you would see that she is not forcing her DH to do anything. Conversion was his idea, his decision. And as Groovypeg wrote, when you convert, you give up your old religion. Conversion is a long process and a lifelong commitment. If they were an interfaith couple, as I am, it would be different - DH and I work out our differences daily and must compromise on how religion and holidays are going to be celebrated. But if you are converting, it really is supposed to be all or nothing.