Re: Jewish brides with FH converting (ed)
Posted by marymoon
As an interfaith bride, marrying into a family with a lot of interfaith marriages and many different ways of dealing with them, I can understand the dilemma you're facing with FH. i think you really really need to sit down and talk with him and find out what he's comfortable with. Converting is a huge step, it really changes your life so much more than you might think, and marriage si the same way, so it's two huge steps around the same time. He may be unwilling to give up these traditions and this may be something you have to bend on. Maybe you can try to incorporate christmas esque traditions in your chaunukah celebrations, or even celebrate the ancient holiday of yule, which falls on dec 21. That's when most of the christmas traditions came from anyway. Maybe you can get your FMILs famous christmas sugar cookie recipe and instead of cutting them itno christmas trees you cna cut them into stars, menorahs or dreydels(Sp?). Maybe you can find a secualr way to celebrate christmas. I know this mayt be uncomfortable for you, but there may be a way to celebrate it as a day of love, or even to celebrate the birth of a great jewish prophet, and teach your children some of jesus' teachings about loving one another, etc.
I think anytime there's a n interfiaht situation, even when a conversion happens, there';s a lot of compromise, and there are going to be things you have to give in on, but you can use it as a way of making your life richer and more fulfilling.
As for the interfaith families in our family. FH's sister is married interfaith, and the kids have had both catholic and jewish ceremonies, and they celebrate both holidays with various grandparents, but the parents have decided to raise them jewish. I don't think they have a plan for explaining the confusion that may cause, but the kids are still toddlers.
FH's cousin is intermarried and also raising the kids jewish. her husband has not converted but in front of his kids he completely denies his background. For the sake of the kids he had to tell them that Jesus is not the son of god. It seems so difficult and I'd never want anyone to have to deny their true beliefs to their children. I'm nto questioning your FH's desire to convert or wholeheartedness, but there may be things that he feels he can't deny and maybe you can find some way to honor them. FH and I don't have children, so we can't tell you if we're screwing them up, but we really try to find ways to integrate the holidyas and celebrate them with a lot of love and respect. I hope you can do the same thing
Jen,what a heartfelt and thoughtful post.
I don't think that just because someone is NOT in the same exact situation,they should not comment,I think marriages these days are so multi-cultural and diverse,very rarely will we find an ex. of a cookie-cutter marriage.
I too am in an interfaith marriage. We have 3, not 2 religions to incorporate. I am Roman Catholic, my DH is both Roman Catholic and Russian Orthodox (he had all sacraments of both,parents thought it be best to expose him to both and let him choose later..he was soooo confused- he never chose just 1) then his parents divorced and his step-mom (the women I consider my wonderful MIL) basically raised him..well, she's as Jewish as can be!
My IL's went on to have a son & daughter,they are raised Jewish. She is a Hebrew teacher and very active at her JCC.
Sorry I wrote so much personal info to get my point across which is..we celebrate all of the Holidays & traditions. I have come to love & cherish all she has taught me. I have a menorah in my home and believe it or not..she has a Christmas Tree,not because it represents Jesus,but because its being in the spirit of the holiday. Although I think that this was also in part a ritual of hers to help my husband cope as a child. But anyway,the main reason why I think we all get along with NO DRAMA is because we (although different religions) are from the same culture,background & speak the same language(not Eng). Many Jewish people tend to mesh religion and nationality together...in our family we do not,we know that our religion is one thing,our nationality another.
You said that if you knew earlier there would be problems,you might have not gone so deeply into the relationship..then you have to ask yourself is your love of God more important to you than your love of man? It seems that your having a rough time dealing with this too because maybe there is guilt on your part- the thought that he is ONLY doing this for you and to be married TO YOU.
As for the comment,that you are being selfish... NO WAY. It was HIS idea,not yours to convert although he has a lot of pressure knowing that you would only marry a Jewish man- which he is not- but for the sake of your love- will become. I wish you much love and patience,the 2 things that will get you through this. I understand you completley- when you say that you want to raise your children in a certain way,with certain beliefs as do I,thats why it was important to me to fall in love with a man that was the same culture as myself. Religion came second to us.. in a way, you are asking your FH to give up both. How does his family feel about all this? Does he have their encouragement & support?
