Kinda Wedding Related---Affair

Please don't judge me...if you are going to just skip the post and move on. It's long...

I need advice. I have been with DH for 11 yrs....married for almost 2.

Our issues go way back, during 11 years he had 1 affair and a possible other 2 that I was never able to substantiate. I forgave him because I was so in love with him. He has been a good husband until we stopped communicating. He put his dreams to the side to help me follow mine. When I married him I was so in love, but with time my feelings turned to loneliness.

He has a lot of anger because of unresolved issues with his mother's death that permeate our relationship and he is unhappy with his career...something that causes a million arguments.

My career has taken me away from the home for a while, after I finished school I began working and coming home late. DH got used to this and too comfortable and got so secure that he would not feel the need to make me feel wanted. In the last year we went out to dinner 1 time and he stopped doing all the romantic things he used to. He became one with his Play Station to the extent that I would stand naked in front of him and he would tell me not now because I was interrupting his game.

It all broke down this past thanksgiving when he left me at my mothers after dinner (we usually just sleep at her house). I got so tired of feeling alone I began to resent him.

Walk in the new man. I met him at work...I used to see him all the time...we dont work in the same office...but have to see each other a minimum of 3 times per week for hours at a time. He would follow me, stare and make it blatantly obvious he was interested...he knew I was married and after a month or so of following me asked me to lunch. He was so attractive and charming I made the mistake of going to lunch. From the moment I sat across from him I knew I was hooked. He said all the right things, listened to me, even advised me to work my marriage out (before we got involved). He made me feel so pretty and wanted...we have the same career and life goals.

The affair progressed to the point he told me he loved me and I loved him. However, recently we argued a lot, because he would ask me to make up my mind and move on from DH. He said I know we cant and should not be together right away because you will have issues of your own to resolve but you need to find happiness...whether with him or me...but just make a decision. For 2 and half months I couldn't. I felt like I needed to give DH a chance and spoke to him about our issues and that I wasn't sure I loved him anymore...but he flipped on me...began treating me like ****...when he came to his senses he tried to make it up to me...but I picked fights and could not seem to even give him a chance.

Eventually the new guy told me he loved me and I told him I did as well. He would say you can't love 2 people at the same time...and I don't feel I do. I feel I am in love with him...but love DH...not sure if it makes sense.

This guy gives me a feeling I've never had in 11 years, with him its the true love making experience...we have a lot in common...yet are different...our differences keep driving us apart.... he has a son, I don't have children. He has issues with the son's mother and issues with guarding his heart and how he sometimes reacts to me in guarding his heart (ie during an argument he said 'F what I said before'--referring to telling me he loved me).

Move forward to now...this past week DH found out about my affair...he was devastated but asked me to give us another chance and come back home (I'd left to my mom's house for a week in search of some solitude to think). When I told the new guy my husband found out...knew his name...where he worked and how he looked he flipped and blamed it all on me. Said I had not been careful enough..eventually he got calmed and said that this was an issue only I could handle...that he had to step back but if I needed him he was a call away. I felt abandoned by him....I needed him to help me pick up the pieces of the puzzle he helped me destroy....I wasnt looking for him to come mediate my marriage...but to simply ask what he could do for me? Ask if i needed anything from him.

I went back home and DH and I talked...I told him I'd come back for the weekend and even found counseling starting tomorrow....

Now I am starting marriage counseling with DH but I can't even bring myself not to speak to the other guy. I saw him at work and we kissed...I spoke to him 4 times between yesterday and today.... I love him....I really feel like I do...but I need advice as to what to do next....

DH is a mess and I don't want to hurt him even more...he did not sleep or eat for 2 days...i remember the feeling because when he did it to me I felt devastated (yet I still went on and inflicted the same pain).

I have only known this guy for 2.5 months and I don't want to make the decision to leave DH for the other guy and have it blow up in my face (find out he's not who I think he is...or worst find out I belong with DH and its too late)....on the other hand...I dont want to loose the other guy and realize that DH and I have hurt each other so much that even if we try it cant be fixed.

the other guy wants me to attempt to fix my marriage...he says if it works then we got a great friendship out of this...if it doesnt then I can move on and I know where I can find him...he's always said he did not want me to leave DH for him because he did not want that guilt on him (yet he had an affair with me) and did not want that guilt to damage what could be our relationship.

I know I was selfish, I know I broke our vows>>>so please don't judge me....all I need is some advice from people who have no stake in my life and can see things from the outside.

Thanks

i would be with the person that i was happiest with...

I think you need counseling on your own.

Clearly, when times were tough in your marriage you didn't choose to work on it with DH. You found solace in another man. I'm not judging, but thats exactly what it it is.

I think a lot of it stems from within you and maybe you need to work on YOU also in addition to your marriage. If your marriage is over, its over, and let DH know what you feel. Also, don't romanticise the new guy because he's the first one you've had feelings for in many years.

I really suggest some personal therapy and once you get some of your own issues resolved it may be easier to decide what to do about DH and the new guy.

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Posted by mrsdraskin2009

I think you need counseling on your own.

Clearly, when times were tough in your marriage you didn't choose to work on it with DH. You found solace in another man. I'm not judging, but thats exactly what it it is.

I think a lot of it stems from within you and maybe you need to work on YOU also in addition to your marriage. If your marriage is over, its over, and let DH know what you feel. Also, don't romanticise the new guy because he's the first one you've had feelings for in many years.

I really suggest some personal therapy and once you get some of your own issues resolved it may be easier to decide what to do about DH and the new guy.

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ITA. And I am very sorry you are going through this rough time. The truth is it is not about DH or the new guy, it is about you. You need to make yourself happy. In my opinion you need a step back from both men, and to concentrate on you.

Honesty, I think you need to decide if you want your marriage to work. Weather or not it does is another story. But do you want it to work? If the answer is yes then you need to have 0 contact with the other man. You can't be committed to fix your marriage with your DH if your still kissing and even talking to the other man. If your answer is no then leave DH now. Don't drag this situation on cuz guess what.. EVERYONE is going to be resentful in the end, more then they are now. You know how you said that DH is resentful b/c he put his career aside for you, well I can guarantee the new guy is going to feel the same way. He's going to feel resentful that you didn't leave DH sooner.

I think it's nice of the other guy to say fix your marriage but he's a hipocrate. He says he wants you to fix your marriage but he then approached you and came on to you when he knew you were a married women. That's 100% wrong and if you think he really wants you to fix your marriage your crazy. If he had respect for your marriage and really wanted it to work he would back off 120%. That's what you do when you really love someone... you do what you know is best FOR THEM not for you.

As for wanting to be with DH or this new guy, you can't compare the two. You were with DH for 11 years... yes he did things wrong and there seems to be a lot to fix. But.. 2 1/2 months into it it was great right? It's the same thing with this new guy. Of course things are going to be great. 1. it's still new for both of you 2. You guys aren't and haven't been in a 'full relationship.'

If your going to leave DH do it for you. Don't do it to be with this other guy cuz you can see that people change and the most perfect relationships always don't play out like that in the end.

You say that you're very uncertain about making a decision because you don't want to find out in a few months that you chose the wrong guy. But honestly, i think that's just silly ... if you're not happy with DH, then leave him ... even if it doesn't work out with this new guy, it'll be worth it. (save goes for vice-versa).

best of luck to you, no matter which road you take!

wow i'm so sorry for the feelings that you've had to deal with the last few years. I really think it's best that you work on your marriage and stop talking to the other guy. You'll never be able to make a level headed decision about fixing your marital problems with the advances this other guy is making. No one on this board can tell you what you should do; only you can make that decision.

Follow your heart; know what's the best decision for you.

Best of luck

I dont think cheating is right in any sense of the word and I know it must be rough to feel unwanted and neglected by your husband so I cannot judge you.

With that said, you should be careful about jumping into a relationship and laving your DH for a man who you just met and is just courting you right now. Do you know how he is will treat you in 10 yrs? will he better than your current DH? you dont know.

My opinion is go to couples counseling and explain to your DH exactly how he has been making you feel and let him tell you the same. If you both are willing to try I think you both will be happy.

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Posted by AdriandSteve

Honesty, I think you need to decide if you want your marriage to work. Weather or not it does is another story. But do you want it to work? If the answer is yes then you need to have 0 contact with the other man. You can't be committed to fix your marriage with your DH if your still kissing and even talking to the other man. If your answer is no then leave DH now. Don't drag this situation on cuz guess what.. EVERYONE is going to be resentful in the end, more then they are now. You know how you said that DH is resentful b/c he put his career aside for you, well I can guarantee the new guy is going to feel the same way. He's going to feel resentful that you didn't leave DH sooner.

I think it's nice of the other guy to say fix your marriage but he's a hipocrate. He says he wants you to fix your marriage but he then approached you and came on to you when he knew you were a married women. That's 100% wrong and if you think he really wants you to fix your marriage your crazy. If he had respect for your marriage and really wanted it to work he would back off 120%. That what you do when you really love someone... you do what you know is best FOR THEM not for you.

As for wanting to be with DH or this new guy, you can't compare the two. You were with DH for 11 years... yes he did things wrong and there seems to be a lot to fix. But.. 2 1/2 months into it it was great right? It's the same thing with this new guy. Of course things are going to be great. 1. it's still new for both of you 2. You guys aren't and haven't been in a 'full relationship.'

If your going to leave DH do it for you. Don't do it to be with this other guy cuz you can see that people change and the most perfect relationships always don't play out like that in the end.

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ITA, you cant keep stringing them both along, it isnt fair to either of them. Make up your mind and leave one or both of them. but you must cut off ALL contact with the new guy if you want your marriage to work. I also agree with the people who said you should seek personal counseling.

ITA!!

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Posted by Notwedyet08

wow i'm so sorry for the feelings that you've had to deal with the last few years. I really think it's best that you work on your marriage and stop talking to the other guy. You'll never be able to make a level headed decision about fixing your marital problems with the advances this other guy is making. No one on this board can tell you what you should do; only you can make that decision.

Follow your heart; know what's the best decision for you.

Best of luck

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I think you need to pull yourself away from both men...be alone and figure out what YOU want first...and def have some counseling by yourself

it seems that there is alot of resentment in your marriage and the two of you will need to decide if that's something you can live with for the rest of your lives...

it this wasn't your DH and just a bf or even a fiance...i would in a heartbeat say.... leave HIM and the OTHER man! for all you know the OTHER man just likes the thrill of being with a married woman...

it is never a good thing to jump from one guy to the next and I really think you need to do some soul searching, ALONE....and figure out where you want to be in your life...

anddd I think when you soul search your main focus should be 'do i want to be with DH or not' do not focus on 'who do i want to be with more' forget the other guy exists for now....figure out who you are, what you want and what your long term goals are

good luck

I'm not a girl nor am I married for that matter...it's still illegal for me in New York ....however..I agree with a lot of what the girls have been saying. You need to work on you..and don't leave DH for this new guy. When I first read your story, I thought you should just be with the one you are happiest with..but you can't be completely happy with anyone until you are fully happy with your own self again. And what you said about loving two people..yes it is possible...You can be in love with the new guy and still care deeply for DH, but not still be in love with him. You have been with DH for 11 years so of course you are going to care about him and feel for his feelings about what is going on. There's no way around that. But you need to be happy with you before you can find yourself happy with either one of them again.

ok well I dont usually go out and spill my life on here but listen I was with my ex until I knew of his affair...we had 7 yrs invested a daughter and I was 7 months preggo w/ our son when I found out. I have to say when I talked to his 'gf' she said I didnt want this to break you up. Well think about it...Kristen (the gf) fell for Alex (my ex) bc she was offering him something that he felt was lacking at home. The same goes for you...you fell for this new man bc your husband wasnt giving you the attn that you desired. I was in your shoes I know how it feels to fall in love with a man, marry him and have him show no intrest in you...Alex much rather sit in his PS3 then spend that quality time with me. I knew we needed help and we needed it fast, esp if we wanted to save our marriage. He made the mistake of having an emotional affair w/ a 'friend' he knew falling for her would end up being physical and by that time he started to live this double life. He thought he could be the husband and father while he was home. Work nights and think I wouldnt ever find out. Sadly he not only lost me, he lost his new found love Kristen (who was also married w 4 kids), his job (he was her boss) no $$ coming in so there went our new home and well now he lost seeing his kids on a daily basis since they live with me. I live each day letting my kids love and talk to their dad (mind you all they are still babies...5 and 1) But in the end I hired a PI, got the proof I needed and filed and served him w the papers. I just couldnt live a life where he broke our vows. I wanted a man that would love and stand by me even during our bad pts in life. Sorry I am going off I know this isnt about me. But what Im trying to say is why go for help when you still are sneaking around at wk and spending time with this new man?? The help will not work if you are not whole heartly invested in these sessions. I personally think you need to take a step back and look at your life. See if those peices that you say are destroyed can be picked up by YOU not new BF! Remember this is your life, you need to pick the path you want to follow. Take a step back and look at your relationship with your DH. You chose him for a reason if he isnt what you thought than let him go and take time for you. If this new person in your life loves you as he claims he will be there waiting. No offense after 2.5 months it isnt love. Im not saying it wont/can't lead there but well men know what to say and how to say it so us women are putty in their hands! I just think if you want to truly see if you have a 'marriage' left you need to cut ALL ties with this other man. I know thats easier said than done being you wk together.
Hope you cant find some strength in whatever path you pick, but seeking some self counseling my be the best pick for you!

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Posted by AngnShaun

i would be with the person that i was happiest with...

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ITA

i think this is totally your decision to make. no one can make it for you. and when you do make it.... you need to do so wholeheartedly. Meaning if you choose to work things out with your husband then you should start looking for another job and sever all ties with the bf. You CANNOT try to make something work and still have encounters with the other one.

I think you owe it to yourself, your husband and this other guy to make a decision and not leave anyone hanging. I also think it's poor taste to let your husband think you are working on things with him, all the while still talking to the other guy and meeting him, kissing him, etc. It's dishonest.... and you remember how you felt when he did that to you. 2 wrongs don't always make a right. You have to be careful how you go about things. I get that he cheated on you a few times.... but you forgave him for that. Don't let this turn into a tit for tat type of battle... that will surely destroy everything.

I also agree with the other girls who said you should get counseling for yourself alone. I think that might help you. Also, I agree that after 2.5 months..... you don't really know anything about this new guy.

Love is a gamble no matter which road you take. You have to follow your heart and place your bet. You don't know the outcome of either of these scenarios. And truth be told.... not a single one of us can give you those answers either.

I think bottom line is you need to pick a road and follow it... and if it doesn't lead you where you think it will.... it will lead you someplace, even if it's with someone entirely different from both these guys.

Perhaps you should cut all ties with BOTH guys and just be alone for a little while to clear your mind and reflect on what it is that you really want. And by cutting all ties... I mean not living with DH and possibly taking some time off work so you aren't around the other one either... cut all ties with both of them.

One last thing..... make sure you learn something from this experience.

First of all,

I am so sorry you are going through this, and definitely no judgement here at all. You came to these boards for help and I can tell through your post that you are sincere and really hurting.

It is impossible for any of us to know what you are going through, every situation is different and no one person is the same. I agree with a lot of the ladies on here, that you need to really take a step back and evaluate this whole situation. I am sure you have felt that you have done that, and I know it's hard, but you have to remember why you married your DH in the first place. You said you were so in love with him... I know your relationship has probably changed, and that when people, even if they are in love, get used to and comfortable with each other, they don't treat each other the same way. But there's a reason he married you, too, and I think you owe it to each other to try and make it work. Before you can do this, you need to get rid of the other guy. I know you think you love him, but it's only been 2.5 months. 11 years, 2.5 months. Do you really feel that you know this other person well enough to say you might want to continue a relationship with him? And honestly, I feel like him telling you that he wants you to work on your marriage and the 2 of you can be friends is very strange... if he really wanted to be with you wouldn't he want you all for himself?

You have both made mistakes, and maybe you owe it to yourself to try and fix them. Not all marriages last forever, this is true, but is that really what you want? Do you really want to end your relationship with your husband? Can you picture yourself without him in your life?

I know how it feels to not get the attention that you want... I feel like this sometimes too. I can't really generalize, but I feel that most women need to feel appreciated, and they need to be told they are sexy and beautiful, and men sometimes see this as being 'needy.' The way our SOs treat us in the beginning doesn't always last forever... I wish there was a simple solution to this but there's just not. Maybe the two of you just need to get to know each other again and start fresh.

I am sorry if I can't help you come to a conclusion, I think that you and only you can make this decision... just know that we are thinking of you and I really hope that you are happy no matter what you choose.

Why dont you take time to be ALONE for a while..... Take time to think and clear your head....
seek counseling def to find out what your searching for


Good luck to u i know this couldnt be easy