Kinda Wedding Related---Affair

Please don't judge me...if you are going to just skip the post and move on. It's long...

I need advice. I have been with DH for 11 yrs....married for almost 2.

Our issues go way back, during 11 years he had 1 affair and a possible other 2 that I was never able to substantiate. I forgave him because I was so in love with him. He has been a good husband until we stopped communicating. He put his dreams to the side to help me follow mine. When I married him I was so in love, but with time my feelings turned to loneliness.

He has a lot of anger because of unresolved issues with his mother's death that permeate our relationship and he is unhappy with his career...something that causes a million arguments.

My career has taken me away from the home for a while, after I finished school I began working and coming home late. DH got used to this and too comfortable and got so secure that he would not feel the need to make me feel wanted. In the last year we went out to dinner 1 time and he stopped doing all the romantic things he used to. He became one with his Play Station to the extent that I would stand naked in front of him and he would tell me not now because I was interrupting his game.

It all broke down this past thanksgiving when he left me at my mothers after dinner (we usually just sleep at her house). I got so tired of feeling alone I began to resent him.

Walk in the new man. I met him at work...I used to see him all the time...we dont work in the same office...but have to see each other a minimum of 3 times per week for hours at a time. He would follow me, stare and make it blatantly obvious he was interested...he knew I was married and after a month or so of following me asked me to lunch. He was so attractive and charming I made the mistake of going to lunch. From the moment I sat across from him I knew I was hooked. He said all the right things, listened to me, even advised me to work my marriage out (before we got involved). He made me feel so pretty and wanted...we have the same career and life goals.

The affair progressed to the point he told me he loved me and I loved him. However, recently we argued a lot, because he would ask me to make up my mind and move on from DH. He said I know we cant and should not be together right away because you will have issues of your own to resolve but you need to find happiness...whether with him or me...but just make a decision. For 2 and half months I couldn't. I felt like I needed to give DH a chance and spoke to him about our issues and that I wasn't sure I loved him anymore...but he flipped on me...began treating me like ****...when he came to his senses he tried to make it up to me...but I picked fights and could not seem to even give him a chance.

Eventually the new guy told me he loved me and I told him I did as well. He would say you can't love 2 people at the same time...and I don't feel I do. I feel I am in love with him...but love DH...not sure if it makes sense.

This guy gives me a feeling I've never had in 11 years, with him its the true love making experience...we have a lot in common...yet are different...our differences keep driving us apart.... he has a son, I don't have children. He has issues with the son's mother and issues with guarding his heart and how he sometimes reacts to me in guarding his heart (ie during an argument he said 'F what I said before'--referring to telling me he loved me).

Move forward to now...this past week DH found out about my affair...he was devastated but asked me to give us another chance and come back home (I'd left to my mom's house for a week in search of some solitude to think). When I told the new guy my husband found out...knew his name...where he worked and how he looked he flipped and blamed it all on me. Said I had not been careful enough..eventually he got calmed and said that this was an issue only I could handle...that he had to step back but if I needed him he was a call away. I felt abandoned by him....I needed him to help me pick up the pieces of the puzzle he helped me destroy....I wasnt looking for him to come mediate my marriage...but to simply ask what he could do for me? Ask if i needed anything from him.

I went back home and DH and I talked...I told him I'd come back for the weekend and even found counseling starting tomorrow....

Now I am starting marriage counseling with DH but I can't even bring myself not to speak to the other guy. I saw him at work and we kissed...I spoke to him 4 times between yesterday and today.... I love him....I really feel like I do...but I need advice as to what to do next....

DH is a mess and I don't want to hurt him even more...he did not sleep or eat for 2 days...i remember the feeling because when he did it to me I felt devastated (yet I still went on and inflicted the same pain).

I have only known this guy for 2.5 months and I don't want to make the decision to leave DH for the other guy and have it blow up in my face (find out he's not who I think he is...or worst find out I belong with DH and its too late)....on the other hand...I dont want to loose the other guy and realize that DH and I have hurt each other so much that even if we try it cant be fixed.

the other guy wants me to attempt to fix my marriage...he says if it works then we got a great friendship out of this...if it doesnt then I can move on and I know where I can find him...he's always said he did not want me to leave DH for him because he did not want that guilt on him (yet he had an affair with me) and did not want that guilt to damage what could be our relationship.

I know I was selfish, I know I broke our vows>>>so please don't judge me....all I need is some advice from people who have no stake in my life and can see things from the outside.

Thanks