Life questions...

For the last year, my fiance and I have been wondering about some stuff. Well, mostly I've been. We've been going out for 8.5 years. That right there just makes things harder for me to have patience with a lot of things. We're both 24, we've been living together for almost 3 years, we have a dog, ferrets, etc. We have a family type thing going on. Anyway, as it gets closer to the wedding, and as we get older, I want and need things so much more. I know right now financially, we're not doing good at all. But putting that aside, saying that money is fine, there are things we need and want, but we don't know what we should do. I'm just going to say that what I really want is a baby. I know, everyone thinks I'm too young, or I'm still young you have plenty of time for that. Well, I want to be a young mom. I would really love to get pregnant right before the wedding or right after. If money is not an issue of course. My fiance says when we can afford it. Well, if we wait for that, we'll never be able too. Anyway, that's not the only thing bothering me. He also says we need new cars first, and a house. I know he's being logical, but I don't see that happening for a while. We don't make the money that most people make, I don't want to wait that long. Right now we live in an apartment. We're so sick of living in apartments. We're paying as much as we would pay for a house. What should we do? See what money we get from the wedding, (I'm not expecting that much, but you never know), and then maybe buy a house? I see a lot of people on this board are now buying houses before they get married. I believe a lot of you are older than us, and probably financially more stable. I just get upset because, we've been together so long, we deserve a house, and nice cars, a family, well, we all deserve that. I get so jealous when I read the Newlyweds board, or even this one sometimes. Someone mentioned they're looking to buy a house in the $400K range. OH MY GOD!!! We'll be lucky if we can afford a $140 house. Is it just us? Are we doing that bad? Should we already be in the process of buying a house, driving new cars, etc. We're having such a hard time with life right now, maybe not by then, but how does everyone do it? We'd like to buy a house right after the wedding, but we could use newer cars, and I'd like to start a family soon. There's so much to worry about. My fiance says not to worry so much, but I have to. It's our future, you need some kind of plan, right? Any advice would be greatly appreciated. I'm sorry for writing so much, I just needed to vent. Thanks!

Life questions...

I think I understand where you are coming from. We got married in July and I've barely been on the board at all because I've been so busy worrying about/pondering many of the things you mentioned. I'm 23 and my husband is 25 and while we both have good jobs, my mouth also dropped when I read about the person looking for a $400k house. Please know that I mean no disrespect at all to her. It's just frustrating when I think of how long it will take to save up even for a $250k house, and I've been doing a lot of that thinking lately. We both decided that we would wait a very long time to have children so if we're stressed out about saving for a house I can't imagine how you feel about a house and a baby. I can't imagine the expenses either. We want a house so badly, but I'm hearing rumors of layoffs at my company. I make more than my husband, not by much, but the day we live on just his salary is not a day I want to see anytime soon. I promised myself not to panic until I hear anything more concrete, but it's hard not to worry. My husband is also hinting that he would like to get a new car, while I would like to save for a house. I'm not sure how serious he is (his works fine) but I'll be happy if we settle in the middle: a newer car, but not one that is as expensive as he's talking about. On that note, I'll share with you some thoughts/things that I've done that have made me feel better at times in the last few weeks. -Talk to your fiance about what is important to you, listen to what is important to him and compromise. Do you need two new cars right now? What about just one? No one can financially handle a baby, a house, and 2 new cars at the same time; something will have to be put on the side. That's ok! Just make sure that it's something you both agree on otherwise resentment will grow towards the person who got it all their way. Communication with Pat about our wants has made me feel infinitely better. -I know, everyone's saying this, but you will still be a young mother if you have a baby at 26 or 27. Just like we'll both still be young homeowners if we don't have a house for 3 years. -You're worried about money; Can you get a temporary part time job? I work for Kaplan at night as an SAT review teacher and I recently asked for extra hours. I feel better already, and I know it's only temporary (meaning the job.) -The market's terrible. Thousand of people on LI are in the same boat. Worried and cutting their spending. (At least the people whom I know are.) Please don't feel like you're alone. Things will get better. -Enjoy planning your wedding. It was the best time of my life and made many fond memories for me. Let it do the same for you. Keep us posted on what you're thinking and good luck to you.

Life questions... LONG

Melissa, I`ve been reading your posts for months now and it seems you`re having A LOT of problems with this wedding. This is the first post I`ve read of yours that has to do with life beyond the wedding, which is good. The wedding is not your life, that starts after you`re married. I agree with your fiance that you may tend to worry too much. My fiance tells me one thing all the time, 'live within your means and your dreams will come true'. And he`s right. If you spend more than you can afford, whether it be on a wedding, clothes, car, house, whatever, it`s not gonna work out. You have to just do what you can do. We couldn`t get a house for $400K either, so we got a nice one for $189K. We can`t afford a $60K wedding, so we`re having a $20K wedding. Just do what you can. I have a plan in life, which is what you`re looking for, it sounds like. I went to school and got a great job, which it sounds like is what you need to do. Go to a trade school like Katharine Gibbs or Chubb Institute or something for a few months, then have them place you somewhere stable. You`ll make better money than if you were to walk into an office without any training to get a job. That`s what I did, and now I`m making great money and I don`t have these concerns that you do. Here`s my opinion to you as far as children go: If you can`t feed `em, don`t breed `em. Get yourself together. Pay this wedding off, get a good job, then get a good, reliable car, THEN have a baby. If you`re not making enough to support yourselves, how are you going to support a baby? And about a house, the mortgage isn`t the hard part, the down payment is. Even for a house for $140, you`re still going to have to put down at least 15% for closing costs and all the fees. And you will not have that money until you have a job. It sounds like you have a good plan, get married and have kids young. It`s true that you do have time to have kids, so do it right. Give them a good life and give yourself a good life and less hassle by finding a decent job that you can count on to pay the bills. I`m 21, I`ll be 22 when I get married. Rob will be 34. He`s had the same job for 15+ years and makes good money. I`ve been with my company for 2 years and make more than him because I went to school and got training. We bought a house a year ago and are paying for EVERY aspect of the wedding ourselves. So it has nothing to do with age, but with realism. We realise what we can afford and we don`t go above it. Trust me, Melissa, don`t do the wedding/house/baby thing all at the same time. One of those things is hard enough! Get yourself financally set then do whatever you want. You seem like a good person and I`m sure that things will turn out fine for you and your future husband. Good luck.

Life questions... LONG

Hi Melissa...I'm Melissa too. :) I recently responded to one of your posts however I don't think you got the chance to read it. Let me quickly tell you what I had written: Basically, besides the job thing, you and I are in the same boat. Both planning weddings long distance, both struggling to make ends meet, both getting married in August, both living with our fiance's and both 24 yrs old. Not to mention that every single question you post is one that I had JUST been thinking of that day. Just by reading you posts for the past few months, I feel like we are definitely very much alike. Anyway, I TOTALLY know how you feel about wanting a baby and a house, etc. I am so ready to have a baby. FH thinks we have to be financially stable before we even consider it. I understand what he is saying and I even agree a tiny bit. But that doesn't stop my feelings. Our situation is a little different though...I am a teacher and he is in med school. I am supporting the two of us on my measly salary plus paying for grad school plus my undergrad loans. It is tough. But I am willing to sacrifice other things to have kids. My whole life is children...I teach kindergarten. I have wanted kids since I was 5. I want to be a young mother...I'd like to have at least 2 kids before I'm 30. This is something that I have been thinking about more and more in the past few weeks. FH already warned me not to start bugging him for a baby as soon as we get married. Much of this stems from the fact that we accidentally got pregnant a year and a half ago but had a miscarriage. I know we are younger than most new parents nowadays, and my mom would flip out if she knew I was even thinking of this, but still...who's to say if we will ever be financially stable? Plus, so many people have a VERY hard time even getting pregnant...it took my aunt and my friend 4 years! If we wait until we are 30 to even start trying....yikes. During a staff meeting at my job yesterday, everyone was joking around, saying that I would be the next one in our school to have a baby... Of course, the more traditional women were like 'oh, no...you're so young, enjoy your life together for a while first, you have plenty of time to have kids.' But this one lady said this: There is never going to be the 'right' time to have children. No matter how old you are, or what your job situation is, or where you are living, there will always be something that could prevent you from deciding to start a family. You just have to do it when it feels right. Even if you don't have a ton of money, you will sacrifice things to make it work. (Of course, if you are living on welfare and whatnot, I don't recommend popping out 5 kids). You have to assess YOUR personal situation to see if having kids now is really feasible. Unfortunately, if I were to have a baby right now, I don't have ANY family around here to help out, plus FH is in school full time and I would have to go right back to work ASAP. But I can still keep dreaming. :) I hope I might have helped in some way. Although I think writing this was better therapy for myself than anything else. :) Email me sometime! [email protected] Melissa :)

Life questions... LONG

First, you can be a young mother at 30 or even older. I am 24 and have been dating my FH for 6 years (living together for 3) so I understand how you feel that youve already gotten to a point where your emotionally ready but... Remember,having a baby is bringing an entire other person into this world that has many needs. If you are not ready financially, you will not be able to meet those needs. That will affect this childs' whole life as well as your life and marriage. Wait until the financial stress is off your shoulders and wait until both you and your husband are ready to welcome a new member of your family. Those 2 factors will make the entire process much easier and more wonderful at any age. There may not be a 'perfect' time to have children but there will be a 'right time' and you will know when that comes.

melissa27...

It's funny how we feel exactly the same way. I have been ready to have a baby since I was little too. I just love kids, and being in this relationship for so long, and we're getting married, I can't help but think about having a baby. I look at him and see a father, a daddy, a husband, etc. He's all I've ever wanted. Oh, he also told me a while ago, now that we're getting married, don't bug me as soon as we do get married to have a baby. :) He's knows how much I want a baby. He wants one too, he's just scared. I hate to say it, but a lot of the times, I wish I would get pregnant, because I can't picture him coming to me one day and saying, 'Honey, let's make a baby!' Can you picture your man saying that? Also, I have all these dreams of me being pregnant, and we experience the moment of finding out the sex, the baby kicking, after it's born, and the moment of me saying to him, I'm pregnant. To me, it was the most amazing feelings I've ever had, and I remember everyone like it really happened. I don't know, I just wish things would get better, financially and with the stress, so that when we do get married, we have the option of having a baby or not. I just don't want it ruled out, you know? I'm also worried that what if he says we're not ready until we're like 29, and then we start trying, and then years and years go by, and nothing. I couldn't handle that. After the wedding, I would like to just leave it in 'God's Hands'. If it happens, it happens. We don't have to try, just see what happens. If it does happen, then it was meant to be. Anyway, what do you have left to do for the wedding? We're done booking everyone, now we have to worry about paying them. :( Do you and your fiance live in an apartment? The apartment we're in now is our 3rd one. We're going to have a fourth one soon because our apartment management, just changed their rules about pets. They're not renewing anyone's lease if they have a big dog. And since we have a Siberian Husky, that means we have to move, again. The worst part is, is that our lease is up on our wedding day. Won't that be fun. So besides the stress of the wedding, we have the wonderful stress of moving. Then we get to drive up to NY from NC to get married. I can't wait! That's one reason why I brought up buying a house in my post. We don't want another apt because we have a dog. We want a fenced in yard. That would mean renting a house. That would cost us the same as buying a house. Except for the down payment of course. That is the hard part. Maybe we'll get enough money for a down payment on a house from the wedding. My fiance would really like to buy one. I don't know. There's too many decisions to be made.

Jenn P, Jackie, Sonicstef...

Thanks for all your thoughts, and advice. It's really helpful. We are going to get ourselves financially stable before doing anything. I just wish we were already, so we can go ahead with life. I've been wanting to go to school for years, but we can't afford it. Even when I lived at home I couldn't afford it, and my parents had no money. So, I'm basically stuck. I can't get financial aid for some reason, I've tried, and I can't afford loans. I don't know what to do. I've been trying to find somewhere I can go, for at least an Associate's Degree, but down here in NC, it's mostly 4 year schools. That's not an option. I'm also having problems with, if I did go back to school, what would I go for? I'm not really interested in anything but art. I'm doing Desktop Publishing right now, I've had experience with Graphic Design, and I'm not thrilled with either of them. If I go back to school, I want it to be for something I enjoy. My fiance is working in the field he wants to work in, I just can't find my field I guess. Anyway, I know what comes with having a baby, I just can't wait to share that experience with my fiance. It's so magical, and scary. It's definitly the next step, I hope. I'll keep you guys updated on my job search. Thanks again for all of your support and advice. It means a lot.

Life questions...

Melissa; I'm one of the newlyweds that's buying a house (less than 440K though) and you're right, we are older than you - on the other side of 40, so I've had many more years to be established in the marketplace, and several years to save for our down payment. I too, am ready to get out of apartments so I can relate to that, and I wish that a baby was in our future, but we don't want to be worrying about our retirement and a child's college at the same time, so if anything, we'll adopt an older child, if we feel financially stable after we've been in the house for a few years. Anyway, knowing what you want is half the battle. Set your goals and budget and save and you may see your dreams achieved before you know it. Good Luck!

Life questions...

Thanks Karen H... Good luck to you to!

Melissa

I don't think you are being unrealistic about wanting things...you are your FI may have different priorities, but that isn't necessarily a bad thing. We are paying for the wedding ourselves and we just bought a house. We work A LOT of hours (Chris works 6/7 seven days at about 10 hrs a day on ave and I work about 40-60 along with going to college full-time.) Some people say why struggle and why put yourselves through it...I personally don't think it is that bad. We work hard and we feel that we want it bad enough to do it. Another thing that you have to realize is that not everyone is living on LI or even grew up on LI. I, for one, only know of LI from my FI. I can say that Buffalo, NY is *totally* different than LI. Things are a lot cheaper here than there, but in the end we also make a lot less; yet taxes and realestate is much less here. It is also how you grew up...to an extent. It is what you are use too. Don't let anyone else tell you what you can or cannot do, because only you and your FI deal with yourselves and your bills and such. We get that a lot....everyone thinks we are too young and this and that. BTW, we are only 22 presently. I hope things get better... Nancy

Melissa

I am 30 years old - and all my dreams of being married by 25, owning a house and already having my first child obviously never came to fruition. I was upset about that at first, but when I sat down and really thought about it - alone - I realized that it doesn't matter. I am marrying the man of my dreams...and that I believe is the most important thing. I worried that my biological clock has started, but let's be realistic, it started ticking a long time ago. I worried about buying a house on long island (and as others stated - is a very difficult thing to do), but then I realized that all this will come, if we work hard at it. With all this worrying, I was forgetting to enjoy this once in a lifetime event - planning the wedding of my dreams where I will join my life with the most important person I have ever come to know in my 30 years on this earth. When you start to get stressed, try and do what I do - look at your FH and just feel lucky. Know that a baby will come when the time is right - and I agree with the one who said that financial stability is important in a baby's life. Your hard work together will pay off, and sooner than later, you will have those things you are worrying about now. It takes so much of our energy to worry about things (as natural as worrying is) but it takes hardly any energy to just realize that we're alive, we're in love - and we're lucky to have these things. Keep your chin up - your new life together is just beginning and your dreams will come true, one at a time!! The best of luck to you and all the brides on this helpful board...now and always...

Life questions...

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Life questions...

It sound like you need to enjoy being young..there may come a day when you wish you were 23 again... What someone said earlier is true, if you don't have a baby until 30, you'll still be a young mother. You don't want to regret not pursuing a career down the line. I know from experience that although it's hard to see when you don't have it that money doesn't make you happy. My fiance and I have live in a big house now but we've lived in small apartment in the past, and although the house is nice it's not that important. I'm just happy to be spending the my life with my best friend and I would be just as happy in a small apartment with my old car. (Actually sometimes we're jealous of people with apartments, the house is so much work! We've stayed in many weekend working on it!)

Life questions...

I completely agree with everyone else`s comments - you should enjoy what you have now - being engaged should be a very happy time in your life! My FH and I are both 27, and currently live in an apartment, and as much as I would like a house, we don`t need it right now. House prices are so high on LI, and they are a lot of work! The best thing about an apt is not being responsible for the maintenance. Houses always need work, and you need to have cash on hand for last minute repairs. As for a baby, I get that baby fever occasionally too - but then I start to think about how much it would change my life, I realize I can wait a few more years! I still enjoy my freedom, and being able to go out with my friends, go away on a spur of the moment weekend, etc. With a baby, it`s not that simple. They become your life, and you need to think about their needs first.

Life questions... *NM*

Melissa

Hi Melissa, I think that you are trying to worry about too much all at once. It is hard trying to figure everything out, but when you are having financial worries it makes it even harder. I am 31 (will be 32 when I get married, Scott will be 34) so I totally understand wanting to start a family. I really do. But I also want to enjoy being married for a little while too. There is never going to be a perfect time (financially speaking) to have a baby. I mean, unless we hit a huge Lotto. But here are a few tips to help: -I purchased a condo on my own before Scott and I were engaged. I could not afford a big house so I got a condo instead. And my mortgage is less than rent, plus there is a tax benefit. Don't worry aboout the $400k house. Look into something a bit more affordable. Also, the condo has already gone up by $35k so I made a good investment. That might not be a bad way to go. -Focus on what you have in your life that is a blessing now. Enjoy the moments that it is just you and your FH. Raising a family is not easy and you will have less time alone with your FH after a baby. -Focus on school, and getting a job you love. Once you have a baby it will be that much harder to change jobs, go back to school etc... -Also consider being a Big Sister (Big Brothers/Big Sister Charity). You could make a huge difference in a child's life. It will all work out. Have a bit of Faith.

Melissa - Sorry about the last post!

Melissa, I graduated from law school about two years ago. I am the oldest of seven children and money has ALWAYS been a concern for me as long as I can remember. Almost every single person I met in law school came from a better situation and it has made me ask a lot of the same questions that you are asking; why should you have to struggle to make rent when other people are buying $400K houses? What I have learned is that there will always be people who are much better off than you are, but that there will always be people who struggle in a way that you will never be able to relate to. I am only a few years older than you, but the older I get the younger I think I was a few years ago! I wont tell you 'you're still young' because you are an adult, but you do have sooo much time to do all the things that you want. True, you might not be able to have it all right now or by next year, but it will be so much better to have it all with piece of mind. Your supposed to struggle right now. Dont be in such a rush to have it all that you end up adding twenty or thirty years to your struggle. Be patient. Someday you will have kids running around in house that is yours and you will be fabulously happy! Becky - a fellow pauper!

Life questions...

Dear Melissa, I am one of the older brides here at 39. I always thought I would be married at 21...then 25...then 30. Life just happens at different rates for different people. To be honest, I wouldn't change a thing because I am in a much better place to be a good wife and mother, older or not ;-) I understand your wanting a baby, and wanting to be a young mother. I agree with the others that have said that financial security helps not only your relationship, but will benefit your children. I have to say I think you need to respect your FI's wanting to wait, especially if he has valid reasons. Nothing was better than to have my FI bring up wanting a baby after we get married without me ever bringing it up. Our situation is very different, since we are older and more established in our careers. I have the utmost respect for women who work, go to college and raise a child. It has to be difficult at best. I hope that we will be set enough that I can work at my profession part-time, raise my child, and not be consumed with money worries. Try not to compare your life with someone else's (in relation to the person buying the $400k house). What you buy on LI for 400k is a far cry from what you can buy in other areas for that money. If it is the fact that they can afford it, then consider the fact that they may have had help from their families, or worked very hard on their own to get that down payment. Consider the stress of paying that mortgage, the property taxes, maintaining the house, etc. Money worries never seem to go away (unless you are a multi-millionaire!), they just take on different forms, different expenses, at different times. Keeping your perspective is what is most important. I got my wake-up call on what was important in September when my FI ended up in the hospital with meningitis and was not improving as was expected. It was at this point that I realized he was THE most important thing in my life. Money wasn't going to make him better faster because if it would have I would have paid my last penny, my job would have to do without me for a while, and life would have to wait. We are truly blessed that Richie is 100% better and back at work. Keep your goals, as they are good ones, but try and put them in an order that will benefit not only you, but your FH, and your future children. Without goals and dreams, we have nothing to look forward to in life! Good luck! Diana

Life questions...very long

Melissa I am probably the oldest bride on this board at 45 and I was in the same position as you many many years ago. I was in a hurry to get married and have a baby. I was married at 20 and a mom at 21. Unfortunately having a baby so early in our marriage derailed us from our goal of buying a house. I never was able to finish college, because with a new baby we had many more expenses, which meant I had to work full time and school went by the wayside. I had always wanted to be a stay home mom, but we couldn't afford it, so I went back to work when my daughter was 6 weeks old. Without a degree I was not able to get a job that paid very well. While we both worked hard, we had a tough time saving any money. We could not afford to do the family things, like vacations, which I had always hoped to do. Because money was so tight I could not give my children the things I would have liked to. I was not able to go back to school because I was working 2 jobs just to keep our family afloat. It was frustrating to see friends that I had gone to high school with, finishing college, buying homes and doing what we couldn't. We argued about money (or the lack thereof) all of the time and I never felt happy or fulfilled. We were finally able to buy a house 14 years later, but it came with strings since it was my father-in-law's home. The years of struggle and doing without had done irrepairable damage to our marriage though. The house didn't make anything better and four years after we bought it I left and started over on my own with my 10 year old son (my daughter did not want to move so she stayed with her dad). I now watch my daughter who became a mom at 18, struggle financially and it breaks my heart to see what she is going through. I was lucky and met a wonderful man 6 years ago and we were married in September. I wish though that I could go back and do some many things differently. The best thing you can do for yourself Melissa is to not be in a hurry. Take the time to go to school and get a good job. Then buy a house and perhaps a new car. The best thing you can do for yourself and your children before you have them is to be financially stable. That doesn't mean you have to be rich but, to be able to afford the bills that you have. You and your husband will be happier and you will be able to give your children a better life too. Make a financial plan and stick to it. Enjoy the time that you and your FH have alone together because once you have kids you won't have it again. Believe in the end you will be glad you did. Much luck to you!

Life questions... Priorities, Priorities! LONG

I will try to be direct and not insensitive, BUT, what is your rush?? You are 24 yrs old, you have been with this man since you were 16 yrs old, you are just NOW growing into an adult relationship- what does anyone at 16 know? and when you do have children you will find out!. You are on an 'instant self-gratification kick' which means you want everything and you want it now and that never happens...who cares who can afford what house, it's what makes you happy and like the other girls posted: live within your means..a child is very expensive and yes you have plenty of time (by the way I'm 34)If money was such a concern for you guys, why don't you just run down to the courthouse and get married for 30 bucks? I'm not trying to be a wise guy but just making a point, we have to sacrifice for the things we want, I don't care how much anybody's income is. My husband and I live in a studio apartment and we will save to get the house we want, and we both make a decent income. So just listen to the rest of the girls, first things first and trust me everything will work out. Good Luck.