Living Together

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Posted by Bella123

This probably isn't relevant as I am in Ireland but we booked our wedding over a year ago here, I spoke to the priest the other day and he asked for our address. We recently moved in together. He shouted at me down the phone and now we don't think we can get married here, and are looking into getting married in NY instead.

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Oh my goodness! I probably would've started crying

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Posted by rkl1130

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Posted by Bella123

This probably isn't relevant as I am in Ireland but we booked our wedding over a year ago here, I spoke to the priest the other day and he asked for our address. We recently moved in together. He shouted at me down the phone and now we don't think we can get married here, and are looking into getting married in NY instead.

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Oh my goodness! I probably would've started crying

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I did cry! We have everything else planned though so I'm reluctant to cancel here as we've spent a lot on deposits already. However at the same time we don't want to get married in the catholic church if we are made feel so unwelcome.

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Posted by Bella123

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Posted by rkl1130

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Posted by Bella123

This probably isn't relevant as I am in Ireland but we booked our wedding over a year ago here, I spoke to the priest the other day and he asked for our address. We recently moved in together. He shouted at me down the phone and now we don't think we can get married here, and are looking into getting married in NY instead.

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Oh my goodness! I probably would've started crying

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I did cry! We have everything else planned though so I'm reluctant to cancel here as we've spent a lot on deposits already. However at the same time we don't want to get married in the catholic church if we are made feel so unwelcome.

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Did he say he wouldn't marry you? Can you go to a different church?

I can understand how you feel though because I thought about backing off of my church too when they were first giving us a difficult time.

Here's the thing with churches -- they technically CAN say they wont marry you. They can do whatever they want to and a church is a business just like any other. The fact of the matter is, they have so many people that want to do business with them, that they can afford to turn people away and they WILL if they choose to. We got turned away from SEVERAL churches. Some didnt give any reasons, some said it was because we werent parissioners, some said it was because we lived together, and one said it was because FH wasnt Catholic (he's protestant, but technically they should still be able to marry us).

We finally got fed up with the Catholic church and went to an Episcopal church where we were welcomed more. However, even several episcopal churches gave us a headache.

My suggestion would be not to lie though, and my reason is this: Its YOUR life. No one can tell you how to live it or what to do with it. If you're living together it means you obviously dont see anything wrong with it. Therefore, what do you care whether the church agrees or not? Tell them the truth. If they say no, then go to another one and do that til you find one that will marry you. And like I said, keep in mind that the church is a BUSINESS and you CAN negotiate with them. If they say 'no' and you love the church....TRUST me, offering them some $$ will get them re-think their stance

a friend of mine said she was asked

if she understood why the church does not approve of unmarried people living together

I thought that was a real nice diplomatic way for the priest to work it in.
But thats the only time I heard someone getting asked that

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Posted by AeroJenn


My suggestion would be not to lie though, and my reason is this: Its YOUR life. No one can tell you how to live it or what to do with it. If you're living together it means you obviously dont see anything wrong with it. Therefore, what do you care whether the church agrees or not? Tell them the truth. If they say no, then go to another one and do that til you find one that will marry you. And like I said, keep in mind that the church is a BUSINESS and you CAN negotiate with them. If they say 'no' and you love the church....TRUST me, offering them some $$ will get them re-think their stance

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no offense - but i would not offer them more money to marry you. . .would you even want to get married in a church that accepted a bribe to do something they initially thought was morally wrong?? and any priest I know would be offended and i dont think you would want to put yourself in that situation.

i dont think you should lie either. Just tell them the truth and you will be fine either way. If you lie then you have to keep up an act so it is better to tell the truth and see what they say. I am assuming that you do believe in the sacrament of marriage and that is why you want to get married in a church - do you really want to start that out by lying to your priest? I know its hard. . .and I was praying that our priest would not mention anything about premarital sex or anything like that. . .which he did talk about but he did not ask us anything . . .

anyway - i think you will be fine and good luck!!

I agree that it depends on the individual parish. Also, if you live together but not within the parish community where you want to get married, that could be a bigger issue.

My FH and I live together and technically don't belong to the church where we're getting married. I lied and told them I still live w/ Mom and Dad just so that there would be no probs. My uncle is the one marrying us and he obviously knows we're living together.

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Posted by VARussosBride

they will marry you but cannot perform a nuptial mass if you live with your fiance. it would just be a marriage ceremony.

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That is absolutely NOT TRUE!!!

I think this thread has proved one thing. . .lol

every church is different - and i hope you have no problems with which ever church you choose - so don't be discouraged - just go and check it out for yourself. good luck again!

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Posted by ant n tilde

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Posted by AeroJenn


My suggestion would be not to lie though, and my reason is this: Its YOUR life. No one can tell you how to live it or what to do with it. If you're living together it means you obviously dont see anything wrong with it. Therefore, what do you care whether the church agrees or not? Tell them the truth. If they say no, then go to another one and do that til you find one that will marry you. And like I said, keep in mind that the church is a BUSINESS and you CAN negotiate with them. If they say 'no' and you love the church....TRUST me, offering them some $$ will get them re-think their stance

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no offense - but i would not offer them more money to marry you. . .would you even want to get married in a church that accepted a bribe to do something they initially thought was morally wrong?? and any priest I know would be offended and i dont think you would want to put yourself in that situation.

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i wasnt suggesting that she DO it, but I am telling her that it happens and it has been done in the past. FH and I didnt bother because we felt that if the church was giving us a hard time, we didnt want to get married there anyway, but as I said, its all a business, and money makes the world go round, so if she was absolutely in love with a certain church and just had to be married in that one, you;d be surprised to find that many priests will change their mind. This is especially true with cathedrals btw.

Thanks everyone.. from reading most of these posts i think i am worrying for nothing..

i did make it clear to my FH that i didn't want to 'just shack up', i want to eventually get engaged/married. Also, i rarely saw him when we lived apart.. i really have no regrets glad we got the 'getting used to each other' period over before we got married

also, not to start a big debate but they are against ALOT of things... so why would they single out living together.. aren't they against pre-martial sex and birth control???are they going to ask everyone to obstain from sex before marriage.. Hope i didn't open a can worms...

thanks again,.. i do feel alot better..

I think living together is a wonderful way to get to know your partner! I am a non practicing catholic and I have to say there are much worst things then living with your husband to be. I don't think our relationship would've worked out if FH and I didn't live together for so long. It takes a long time to get to know a person, I think it's very risky to get married without co existing first! Of course there are many people who do it and that's really wonderful but personally I don't think I could marry someone I never lived with. Don't feel bad about it. And as far as not amrrying you, different churches do different things. I've heard both.
XOXOXO
Kitty