Brides Helping Brides ™ - living together + getting married in Catholic church

Kara and Todd Posted: Nov 13, 2006 01:26 PM

living together + getting married in Catholic church

I've heard it said many times on here that if you're living together, don't lie to the priest about it b/c it's no big deal.

Now, I'm not trying to advocate lying... but are you serious? The priests did not say anything?

I know for a fact (b/c it happened to people I know ) that if you say you are living together at the church where we'll be getting married, they will tell you you must live apart until the wedding or they will not marry you...

Are most priests not saying anything? No lecture or anything? I just fear a big, long discussion about it...

ETA - I'm just curious to hear other people's experiences. We don't feel that there's anything wrong with living together - obviously - and aren't going to change our living status. I'm just curious how others have dealt with this.

Gin-Char 104 Posted: Nov 13, 2006 01:28 PM

Re: living together + getting married in Catholic church

My priest didn't say anything about that?

Kara and Todd Posted: Nov 13, 2006 01:29 PM

Re: living together + getting married in Catholic church

You mean he didn't ask? Or he didn't say anything when he found out?

thelastresort Posted: Nov 13, 2006 01:30 PM

Re: living together + getting married in Catholic church

2 sets of my friends had gotten some serious grief over that so I didn't lie, per se, but I didn't share that info either. I also gave my address as my parent's address since they live in the parish and we don't. I guess it's sort of like passive lying? LOL...I wouldn't tell them. Save yourself a headache.

AlmostMrsKelly Posted: Nov 13, 2006 01:31 PM

Re: living together + getting married in Catholic church

we went to DH's church 1st and that was a catholic church... they asked if we were living together and we told them we were... they had nothing to say about it.
we chose to get married at a different church though.

HelenZ Posted: Nov 13, 2006 01:33 PM

Re: living together + getting married in Catholic church

FH & I live together.....but we plan on telling the priest a version of the truth!! lol we're not going to say we live together.....b/c we already decided that maybe 2 months before the wedding he will go back home to live w/ mommy & daddy just so it's a little 'fresh' to be living together again after the wedding....so techinically on the day we get married we will not be living together (does that count?? lol) Honestly it might be helpful for us anyway b/c I might turn into the exorcist the month before the wedding!! He might change his mind!!! hahahaha that's a joke (I hope!!

I know its not the most noble thing to lie to a priest.....but FMIL is a devout catholic and she even said we shouldn't say we're living together....I think it depends on how you feel, and which church your getting married in. HTH!

kahlua716 Posted: Nov 13, 2006 01:35 PM

Re: living together + getting married in Catholic church

We didn't volunteer the information and he didn't ask. We both still use our parents' address for mail, so we put down separate addresses. HOWEVER, I'm glad we didn't say anything because the deacon gave us a speech at the end of our meeting about how the couples who host pre-cana at their homes don't judge. His example was about couples who live together. He says he doesn't approve of it, thinks its wrong..yada yada. BUT that he wouldn't not marry a couple because of it.

So, I wouldn't say anything.

Kara and Todd Posted: Nov 13, 2006 01:43 PM

Re: living together + getting married in Catholic church

I think FH will just put down his work address. His parents live in Hershey, and I don't want to involve my parents in it like my brother did. (They live down the block from the church)

Hopefully it won't really come up. It sounds odd, but I'm just not looking forward to meeting with the priest - and he's a cool guy!

EGreene79 Posted: Nov 13, 2006 01:46 PM

Re: living together + getting married in Catholic church

I posted this on your other thread, but I'll share here too.

The priest didn't outright ask but it came out with the address information. I'm not entirely comfortable lying to a priest. I also don't share all of the church's beliefs, so I don't believe we're doing anything wrong and was willing to walk away if they said they wouldn't marry us. As FMIL says, sometimes I have too much pride . My parents joined a new parish that is more liberal and I knew they'd accept us if necessary.

Anyway, we just got a brief lecture about how the church is against it, and we should consider moving out until the wedding. He also told us 75% of couples that live together before marriage end in divorce, but I have my own theories about that (i.e. they tend to be less religious, and possibly not as opposed to divorce, or some couples that live together first feel forced into marriage because it's the 'next step.'

I think you have to do what's best for you though ... I've heard of a lot of girls lying which is fine. I just couldn't do it - it would eat away at me, the d@mn Irish Catholic guilt!!!

HelenZ Posted: Nov 13, 2006 01:46 PM

Re: living together + getting married in Catholic church

Posted by Kara and Todd

I think FH will just put down his work address. His parents live in Hershey, and I don't want to involve my parents in it like my brother did. (They live down the block from the church)

Hopefully it won't really come up. It sounds odd, but I'm just not looking forward to meeting with the priest - and he's a cool guy!

I know how you feel about being nervous!!! Maybe that's why we haven't booked our church yet!! how bad is that!!! Our problem is that I'm lutheran and he's catholic.....so we have to find a church we can both agree on!

Kara and Todd Posted: Nov 13, 2006 01:48 PM

Re: living together + getting married in Catholic church

Posted by HelenZ

Posted by Kara and Todd

I think FH will just put down his work address. His parents live in Hershey, and I don't want to involve my parents in it like my brother did. (They live down the block from the church)

Hopefully it won't really come up. It sounds odd, but I'm just not looking forward to meeting with the priest - and he's a cool guy!

I know how you feel about being nervous!!! Maybe that's why we haven't booked our church yet!! how bad is that!!! Our problem is that I'm lutheran and he's catholic.....so we have to find a church we can both agree on!

I'm Catholic and I went to Lutheran school for two years!

You can have a representative from both churches present to concelebrate the service. My brother's wife is episcopalian and this is what they did. It was at her church, but there was a catholic priest present at well. It was beautiful. (Though I guess that doesn't help with the decision of which actual church to have it in!)

jenafee Posted: Nov 13, 2006 01:49 PM

Re: living together + getting married in Catholic church

Our priest was completely fine with it. When I told him, 'he said, it's common these days'.. I was actually shocked!

Tiggeruth Posted: Nov 13, 2006 01:50 PM

Re: living together + getting married in Catholic church

We are kinda doing the passive lying thing too...when we went for our first meeting with the church to provide all the information we weren't living together and we also hadn't been living together when we did pre-cana . We are now living together adn have just not updated our information, just left our addresses as our parents addresses. I would probably not be open about living together, I know that it has caused a few friends a lot of grief.

HelenZ Posted: Nov 13, 2006 01:54 PM

Re: living together + getting married in Catholic church

Posted by Kara and Todd

Posted by HelenZ

Posted by Kara and Todd

I think FH will just put down his work address. His parents live in Hershey, and I don't want to involve my parents in it like my brother did. (They live down the block from the church)

Hopefully it won't really come up. It sounds odd, but I'm just not looking forward to meeting with the priest - and he's a cool guy!

I know how you feel about being nervous!!! Maybe that's why we haven't booked our church yet!! how bad is that!!! Our problem is that I'm lutheran and he's catholic.....so we have to find a church we can both agree on!

I'm Catholic and I went to Lutheran school for two years!

You can have a representative from both churches present to concelebrate the service. My brother's wife is episcopalian and this is what they did. It was at her church, but there was a catholic priest present at well. It was beautiful. (Though I guess that doesn't help with the decision of which actual church to have it in!)

Thanks Kara!! Actually we've agreed to get married in a catholic church (it means more to his family than mine), but I don't like his parish.....which he hasn't went to church on a regular basis since high school anyway - which was 13 years ago!!! so I kind of feel like it shouldn't be a big deal if he's not married there, he actually agrees with me, I guess he knows that I'm already compromising by not getting married in a lutheran church!! The reason why we haven't booked a church yet is b/c the few churches that I like, I haven't been able to get him to go with me to mass!! Which I insist on attending service there before meeting with the priest. I keep saying to FH what kind of catholic are you?? You don't even want to go to church!!! oh well!

hmpena Posted: Nov 13, 2006 02:22 PM

Re: living together + getting married in Catholic church

Posted by jenafee

Our priest was completely fine with it. When I told him, 'he said, it's common these days'.. I was actually shocked!

Ours was the same way. He was pretty laid back even when we told him we rarely go to church. We ended up talking about all of the controversy the Catholic Church has had during the past few years.

Suzannebride Posted: Nov 13, 2006 02:25 PM

Re: living together + getting married in Catholic church

When we first went to meet with the priest we had to fill out forms and we both put down the same address. I really don't think he said a word about it and I was so worried that he would.

murphyt33 Posted: Nov 13, 2006 02:27 PM

Re: living together + getting married in Catholic church

My preist asked us but we lied So bad I know but he still went along with a speach anyway. Saying why he thinks its so bad to live together first.

DanNette Posted: Nov 13, 2006 02:47 PM

Re: living together + getting married in Catholic church

FH aren't living together, but probably will be by next summer. That will be a few months before the wedding. When we first met with our priest he saw our different addresses and even said, 'So, you're not living together, good.' I think that some parishes are more strict than others. My bro and sil lived together for 2 yrs before they got married. The priest wasn't pleased, but they were able to get married in the church. I think after the initial meeting and Pre Cana, they don't have another opportunity to ask.

I would hate to tell you to lie, it seems harsh that they wouldn;t marry you if you live together though. I haven't heard of that, yet.

smara Posted: Nov 13, 2006 02:49 PM

Re: living together + getting married in Catholic church

Every parish and/or priest is different.Some are more strict than others. I was honest and he gave me and my DH a hard time. My SH was os P'od at me cause it was embarassing gettign scolded at. I didnt want to liek to a priest but if I had to do it again I would've.

So it all depends on your parish..