Hello girls - it's been a while. I've been mostly apartment hunting. Lately I've had things like money and all other probs associated w/ marriage in mind - FH and I have dated for so many years - but to this day money is so difficult an issue to deal with. Did you and FHs have this problem? Not sure how much we're going to bring into the marriage and how much I should - I've been working for longer than him so have a lot of money saved up but FH makes double my salary so we should have the same amount - but I feel like he's not being totally transparent w/ me as I think he's setting some money aside for his family - which is fine - but I want the honesty. I'm not sure whether to confront FH about this or just let it go.
Sorry to get so personal - just not sure who else to talk to about this stuff other than the LIW girls.
Kricket212
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Re: Marriage and Money??
money is a tough subject but belive in a relationship you should be 100% honest. My FH makes like triple my salary has so much more saved they I ever could have done. He didn't care. He loves me for who I am & has helped to make me a better person. We both knew exactly what each other had though.
If you start with secrets that is when the trouble could start.
pa56
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Re: Marriage and Money??
I think you should talk to him about it. Let him know that you think it's great if he wants to save for his family but you want to be involved too. Don't make it confrontational or accusatory because then he'll just shut down.
Money and marriage is really tough!
MJDoc12
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Re: Marriage and Money??
Money is the #1 reason marriages fail in this country---too often in preparation in marriage we read all the handbooks on how to be the perfect bride.....cook....housewife....etc. but we never sit down and really look at fianances with our significant others!
My DH was TERRIBLE with money when we first met--it was ridiclious. money burned a hole in his pocket and he paid bills 'when he felt like it' we had to sit down and REALLY go over things and i had to basically teach him the importance of his credit and such. we are open with our money and have joint accounts. the question you have to ask yourself is how the two of you want to handle your finances...cause everyone is different. some people like the whole 'you pay yours--i pay mine and this acct. is for joint' while others like to put it all together. either way -- its has to be discussed and figured out. you shoudl ask your FH how he wants to handle it -- cause its a big deal for sure.
JoanneAndJustin
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Re: Marriage and Money??
I've been working longer than FH and have the money saved. We sat and had a long talk and everything I had before the marriage will be MY money. I will be purchasing our first condo or co-op which will be MINE. FH didn't feel right taking from me what I worked hard for so he set these boundaries.
When it comes to paying for the wedding we split each deposit in half and make an equal payment. Once FH is more established these things may change but we talk about it quite a bit so there are no surprises.
With money I feel that both parties need to be equally honest with each other, or it'll spell trouble down the road.
NickandTara426
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I think you need to talk about it. FH and I just had a discussion about all of our finances and what not this weekend and I think some things he assumed I should have been known but I had no idea. It's definitely a touchy subject but it needs to be discussed.
luvFH2008
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You girls are totally right. FH and I decided we both want joint accounts after marriage and I think both of our spending is in line with one another. But we've never talked about how much we'll both be bringing into the marriage. FH claims he puts like everything towards his loans b/c he doesn't want me paying a penny towards them which is admirable - but for him to have such a small balance in his account seems a little suspicious to me - I don't know how to get him to totally open up to me about his finances without him thinking i'm out to get him. Traditionally I feel the guy should be fulfilling certain roles and a girl should fulfill certain ones - I seem to be doing my part but when it comes to money FH seems to not want to fulfill his (ie putting in more than me and stuff like that)
TheLadyJ
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Re: Marriage and Money??
Fh is in terrible debt which he kept hidden from me until recently. I was about to call off the wedding.
We've been living together for 2 years. We each had our own accounts and put $1000/month into a joint account to cover joint expenses. He was always buying things, so I assumed all was well.
It wasn't until this past January I learned that he was broke and in very bad debt. It wasn't until May the SH** hit the fan and I was ready to move out.
With money you both need to be totally honest. Once you get married, there should not be 'his' and 'hers' money. So, your FH can give money to his family, but you should know how much and get a say in it. After all, 5 years from now you don't want him to still be giving money to his family if you, FH, and whatever kids you may have cannot pay your own bills.
There is no right or wrong when it comes to how couples handle the finances as long as both people are honest about their salary and come to an agreement about much to contribute.
And, like the poster above me, I am buying a Condo with the money I have saved and only putting my name on it. He is going to live with me too, but to prevent collectors from coming after the property it will be in my name. I talked with a lawyer friend and she said as long as I purchase it in my name prior to getting married, no one can try and take it to pay off his debts.
So, don't 'just let it go'. have a nice talk over a nice meal about it. Just try and figure out what you each think is the best approach to handling the finances, and come up with a way that makes you both happy.
fujamaga
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Re: Marriage and Money??
I completely agree with you ladies, my only 2 cents is: if you plan on buying a condo/house, etc with your own money, please do it BEFORE you get married (knock on wood and I hope it never happens, but if you get divorced, its the best clear cut way to make sure its yours).
TheLadyJ
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Re: Marriage and Money??
Posted by fujamaga
I completely agree with you ladies, my only 2 cents is: if you plan on buying a condo/house, etc with your own money, please do it BEFORE you get married (knock on wood and I hope it never happens, but if you get divorced, its the best clear cut way to make sure its yours).
You hate to think like that, I know. But what you said is not entirely true. I was asking my lawyer friend about that, and she said that in the case of divorce, the other party can claim they helped pay for the mortgage and upkeep and claim 1/2 of everything except the down payment.
Divorce is not an option for me, so I am not worried about that. I love DH dearly and I know what lies ahead for us. I am just worried about debtors trying to place a claim against the place.
karabara
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i think you have a right to full disclosure on this topic. i talked to my therapist about how FH isn't being too cooperative with merging our savings into a joint account. he keeps saying 'yes, yes' but doesn't move the money. he keeps coming up with excuses. She said that it's a common issue in married couples and that it's a process to kind of 'evolve' into a joint rhythm.
a former friend of mine took 4 yrs of marriage before she even was given access to the bank account! she had her own, but she didn't work so her hub's account were the main source of their finances. she told him, what if something were to happen to you and i needed to get money out for you to take care of things? i would be up the creek. he conceded and gave her access.
maybe if you approach FH a different way? Keep chipping away though b/c it's seriously something that is important (IMHO)
soon2BMrsin08
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Im sorry i cant be of much help. My FH and I already live together and we have joint bank accounts, i pay all the bills out of our joint account and stuff. we have money struggles but we never fight about it and we are on the same page. we dont have his money vs her money. but as others have already stated work this out now. thats the number one reason couples fight is money.
luvFH2008
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Re: Marriage and Money??
My issue is that why would FH feel the need to hide from me - I've never been the kind of girl to be in anything for money and my parents will never need anything from me and with his parents - I wouldn't say don't help them when they do need help - I just feel like trust will come once we live together and he sees I'm not that kind of girl.
I have a ton of money set aside for grad school so that's my money b/c I don't want to take out loans but FH knows about that.
It's good to know I'm not having these issues alone - thank goodness for LIW
mmm117
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TheLadyJ
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Re: Marriage and Money??
Would a pre-nup only be applicable in case of a divorce? In other words, while you are married, does it protect your personal money from his debt? Or is it only applicable in case of a divorce if he were to try and claim your money.
I hate the idea of a pre-nup. It's like betting on a divorce.
LuvFH - he may not be deliberately hiding it from you. He may just think everything is OK and he doesn't need to tell you. I think if he is marrying you he already knows you are not a gold digger. I'm not sure what you can tell him other than you think it is a good idea to discuss finances before the wedding to make sure you are both in agreement.
mmm117
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mcbride62009
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I am working and FH is in medical school. I have no problem at all sharing with him because i love him and want to make his life alittle easier. Everything evens out and if money is an issue now then it may always be. I think honest is important and so is trust and I would say get it out on the table now so then when you do marry it wont be an issue!
jgourdain
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We are not married yet but have been together for 8 years and our biggest disagreements involve money. We are completely honest with each other and share everything, its just I am a saver and he is a spender. I am currently reading this book called Money, Sex, and Kids by Tina Tessina. It is pretty good it talks about communication and not letting these three things ruin your marriage. Good Luck and just communicate how you are feeling.
curiousgeorge
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Dh makes like literally 6 times more then I make. He pays all the bills....yes mine and his. He also pays for vacations, gifts.....any other expenditures. I put all my money in the savings...and I pay for groceries. Whatever we want, we buy. There is no asking for permission. We are both savers which helps alot. Im still in school and we pay for that out of pocket.
I think that couples should def lay it out on the table before they get married. We established our routine 2 years before marriage. As far as hiding money....There is no excuse. Maybe people hide money these days as supposed to even 'bringing' up the idea of a prenup.
KimberlyScott
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I hate discussions about money!!! FH and I are pretty much agreeable when it comes to our finances. Even though I have a larger savings then him, the house is in his name until after the wedding. But, we have the attitude: what's mine is his and what's his is mine.
