Monday Pick Me Ups (12/13/10)
I really love that defiant/lazy groomsman and his Tim Burton hair. He’s like, “Yeahhhh, I thought about picking up the bridesmaid like all the other groomsmen, but then I realized that it would be total waste of my time. So, you know, no.” PS: Why is the perspective so strange in this picture? The people in the back are practically miniscule.
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If you are watching your cousin dump her junk drawer items into her new drawer and see something interesting…ask before touching. You will regret touching it after you find out it's her vibrator…and it's been used. #LFMF
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If you ever have to pull your pants up because they're falling, don't do it in a jerky manner while jumping. You will put your back out and have your coworkers in hysterics. #LFMF
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When whistling under your breath and commenting on how cute a guy is…remember that you have headphones on and everybody can hear you. #LFMF
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If you set your phone to have the 'cougar growl' noise, be sure to put it on silent if you go hiking. You may scare a few fellow hikers and yourself. #LFMF
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Today, the elevator got stuck in between floor 4 and 5 at my doctors office. I had been having violent diarrhea. It was the reason I was at the doctor. Elevator was stuck for 35 minutes. During that time, I diarrhea'd in my pants twice. There were seven other people in the elevator. FML
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Today, I met my boyfriend's very strict and traditional Korean parents. I had to listen to them while they called me a skank and how I was fat and ugly compared to nice, pretty, Korean girls. They don't know I speak Korean. FML
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Today, I woke up to an early Christmas present on my car. It was a nicely wrapped box containing a dead bird, a half eaten sandwich, and a note reading 'MERRY F**KING CHRISTMAS STAN.' This will probably be my only Christmas present. My name is Luke. FML
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Today, I asked my mother why she didn't drink. She laughed and said, 'The last time I drank was the night you were conceived. I didn't need any other disasters.' FML
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Today, I found a note on my windshield with some numbers scribbled on it. I was in a hurry and it was dark, so I just threw it on the ground and drove home. It wasn't until I pulled into my garage that I realized the side of my car had a huge dent in it. The note was a phone number. FML
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Today, while I was working at McDonald's, a man and his wife ordered a Sundae. I gave the guy his sundae and realized I'd forgotten something. I said, 'One second sir. Let me grab your nuts.' I realized what I said when his wife gave me the death glare. FML
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Today, without even trying, I convinced my 17-year-old daughter that blueberries are just peas holding their breath. I have raised a complete airhead. FML
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Today, my boyfriend broke up with me via facebook. I don't even have a facebook. My friends had to tell me. FML
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Today, I picked up my friend's new kitten so enthusiastically I scared it and it shat all over me. I literally scared the **** out of it. FML
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Today, I got married. Tonight, I received the best ****** of my life. Not from my husband; from the jacuzzi tub in our honeymoon suite, where he was passed out drunk. FML
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(214):
I just got this text 'hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused.'
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(980):
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
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(859):
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
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(608):
He said 'ride me pocahontas' while I was on top of him last night
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(562):
she said 'i got this' and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
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(405):
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling 'punch that kitty!'. It has to be a sign.
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(904):
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
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(805):
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I 'electronically cheated' and then passed out.
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(970):
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's 'i wanna dance with somebody' you left on my voicemail.
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the end
