Brides Helping Brides ™ - Mothers of the Groom

Lori0517 Posted: Apr 02, 2005 02:09 PM

Mothers of the Groom

I have been going back and forth with this for a while so i figured asking you ladies may help. How much of a particpant were in your sons wedding? how did you go about getting involved? Did you ask or where you just brought into everything. Any thoughts, ideas or experiences would helpme. FM me you dont want to post. TIA

MomNeedsTissues Posted: Apr 03, 2005 06:27 PM

Re: Mothers of the Groom

Sorry to say that I wasn't included in hardly anything with my sons wedding. Mynow DIL was the 'bridezilla from hell'. She was aweful and treated not only me, MOG but to my daughter and my family.
I had alot of drama and alot of posts on LIW and I got so many words of positives.

It didn't matter what I asked to do/help.get involved, I was always shot down. My only thing to do was show up. We had an aweful fight the day I went with them for my sons tux. He asked me to go, I wasn't happy with 'her' decision but kept my thoughts to myself. When I was leaving she said 'she's going because she isn't getting her way'. I burst out very nasty words and left in tears. That was only one example of my drama. And actually, that was the only thing that I was asked to do. I did everything humanly possible for my son and all I kept getting was shot down and hurt.

IMO and you don't have to take my opinions: it hurts to be left out of your own (and my only) son's wedding. I would try to keep my FMIL involved to what you want her to be but to stand your ground if she over steps hers. You should realize that though 99% of the day is revolving around the bride, its his day also. I was told by my DIL 'this is MY day and it will be done the way I want it'. See my point?
Good luck and please remember that MOG's do have hearts and feelings.

FutureAJ8505 Posted: Apr 05, 2005 12:30 PM

Re: Mothers of the Groom

I am sorry that you had such a rough time. It really made me sad when I read your post. Not all of us FDIL are bad

I am very lucky to have such wonderful Future in laws.
I hope that things with your daughter in law have improved.

My mom went through that with my Sister in LAw. They have recently started getting along, since my nephew was born thank GOD!! But the time before the wedding was awful. I won't even go into detail about it, but I truely hope your situation is better.

LImom Posted: Apr 09, 2005 09:41 AM

Re: Mothers of the Groom

Two of my three sons have already been married. My first was 10 years ago and all I did was open my wallet and close my mouth. I felt a little left out and two weeks before that wedding my husband took me on a trip to Bermuda. He saw how depressed I was getting and I came back looking relaxed and tanned. Everyone else was exhausted. LOL.

When my daughter was married last May, I really did it all with her. We made so many of the things ourselves and I loved every minute of the year and a half of planning. My daughter's MIL was too far away to help us, but there were so many things she could have helped with. I would have definitely called upon her to help make the favors for both the shower and the wedding, and we could have assembled the invitations together. We also printed and made all the finishing details on the menus, escort cards (often called place cards but that is not right), and the programs for the church. We needed extra hands for all of that. 6 months after my daughter was married, it was time for my youngest son's wedding. I offered my help to the mom as well as the bride. I was always thanked but never taken up on anything. Even the rehearsal dinner which we were to host, was at the MOB's house and all I did was write the check. I could have let myself get upset and feel left out, but I recalled the moments I shared with my daughter and told myself that I had 'my turn'. Maybe this mom wanted the time with her daughter so I stopped myself from all negative thoughts. Maybe you can be specific in your offer to help. I got answers like 'the printer is doing that', or 'we are buying those'. Maybe you'll have better luck.

I advise you not to take it personally if you aren't included as much as you would like.

Good luck.

micmar Posted: Apr 10, 2005 12:31 PM

Re: Mothers of the Groom

I'm a bride to be & can tell you that my FMIL really hasn't been involved at all in my wedding planning. It's not that I don't want her to be, but I get vibes from her that she doesn't want to be so I leave it at that. She is a nice woman & we get along, but my fiance has been married once before & I almost feel as if she thinks this is one of those 'been there, done that' things for him. So don't feel obligated, you should just offer - as a bride to be, I can tell you, that means alot. Not even a money offer, but an offer to help with anything. I'm my mom's third child getting married, but the only daughter, so I also think that my FMIL acknowledges that this is a mother-daughter thing. Good luck & I'm sure you're a wonderful woman for even being concerned with this.

JAFTBye Posted: Apr 13, 2005 04:11 PM

Re: Mothers of the Groom

I wish I had a FMIL - she died over 10 years ago.

lanabean Posted: Apr 14, 2005 04:07 PM

Re: Mothers of the Groom

I can honestly say that I went out of my to include my MIL in the wedding--from the venue, to the flowers, to the menu--I wanted her to be part of it and we have a nice relationship.

iffer042373 Posted: Apr 22, 2005 03:17 PM

Re: Mothers of the Groom

Both my mom and FMIL live far away my mom in PA and FMIL lives upstate. My mom is all excited and making things being that I am the oldest and only girl so this is fun for us even though weare apart. Meanwhile I try to get FMIL involved and all I get are complaints about not having kids at the wedding and it seems like things are alot more expensive in the city (well LI) she calls it the city why not jsut come up here and do everything up here. Also she keeps comparing things to both her daughters weddings like the prices one of her daughters had marriedi n queens and thatwas like 5 or 6 years ago and her other daughter had a small wedding upstate. So I try not to talk to her that much cuz al she does is complain I would like to include her but get nothing but complaints

Jennifer

SeptWed Posted: Apr 26, 2005 09:02 PM

Re: Mothers of the Groom

Well i might be a little different here. My DH is an only child and I really made an effort to make his mom a part of most of the wedding planning. I took her with me and my mom to look for my dress and she was there when i found it. I also took both moms to see the reception hall as well. She also has gotten very close to my mother after we got engaged so they planned my bridal shower and both of them even came on my bachelorette party.

I don't know if i would of gone as out of my way as i did if she did have a daughter, but i made a special effort since she did not. We actually got a lot closer because of it.

Jen2999 Posted: Apr 27, 2005 11:18 PM

Re: Mothers of the Groom

I am so happy that my FMIL wants to be involved in our wedding.

I think maybe you could just say to your fdil that you would like to help and maybe even call her mom and see what you can do if you dont feel weird.

MayBride06 Posted: Apr 28, 2005 12:43 AM

Re: Mothers of the Groom

Posted by lanabean

I can honestly say that I went out of my to include my MIL in the wedding--from the venue, to the flowers, to the menu--I wanted her to be part of it and we have a nice relationship.

I am also doing this! I think she may be more excited than my own mom! We are going dress shopping tomorrow!!

LImom Posted: Apr 29, 2005 09:10 AM

Re: Mothers of the Groom

Posted by MayBride06

I am also doing this! I think she may be more excited than my own mom! We are going dress shopping tomorrow!!

Good for you...and all the other girls who realize how important pre-wedding relationships are.

Good luck on your dress shopping. I still get a warm feeling in my heart recalling how my first daughter-in-law asked me to go with her to order her gown. Her mom had an important appt. that day, and I was touched beyond words. I took her to a china shop after that and on the spur of the moment, I bought her a set of Mikasa china for her everyday set. Her mom was shocked that we paid that much for every day dishes, and they all thought this was going to be her shower gift. I said 'No...I want us to remember today'. It's been 9 years now, and I've long forgotten what I paid for them but the joy I get when I see them at her house each time I go hasn't faded.

My daughter's gown experiences are another story. I never wanted that to end. I would even look at other girls trying on dresses and I would cry for them also.

Dress shopping is the best! Can I come too? LOL.
Mary

nferrandi Posted: May 04, 2005 11:01 PM

Re: Mothers of the Groom

Good luck on your dress shopping. I still get a warm feeling in my heart recalling how my first daughter-in-law asked me to go with her to order her gown. Her mom had an important appt. that day, and I was touched beyond words. I took her to a china shop after that and on the spur of the moment, I bought her a set of Mikasa china for her everyday set. Her mom was shocked that we paid that much for every day dishes, and they all thought this was going to be her shower gift. I said 'No...I want us to remember today'. It's been 9 years now, and I've long forgotten what I paid for them but the joy I get when I see them at her house each time I go hasn't faded.

That is the nicest thing I've ever heard!

In my experience, I tried to include my MIL when I could but she just wasn't very interested. She and my FIL were very content to give us some money and leave everything else to us. In one sense it was great, because it gave me complete control to spend the money how DH and I felt best. But in another way, I was disappointed that she didn't want to make some memories with me. I invited her to my fittings, but she didn't want to go. She and my FIL didn't see the hall or my gown until the day of.
The weird thing is, she and I are pretty close.

LImom Posted: May 04, 2005 11:21 PM

Re: Mothers of the Groom

Thank you Nicole. Some people aren't necessarily sentimental about things like that. I don't know how else to explain it. I'm glad you have a close relationship though. Maybe things will change when you give her grandchildren.

glinda_goodwitch Posted: May 16, 2005 01:29 PM

Re: Mothers of the Groom

Hi. Just wanted to see what this forum was like. My FMIL is involved in our wedding, although FH and I have been doing a lot ourselves since we live in MD, my mom and dad are in Boston and FH's parents are in Queens. Its hard to coordinate everyone! So everyone has had their own part, based on what they can do. My mom REALLY wants to have input on flowers, so she will come to LI when we need to look for them. My FMIL came to some of the halls with us when we were looking, and we went to a bridal show together with FH and my MOH. I would talk to you FDIL and tell her you want to help somehow. Maybe you could volunteer to help with something. It doens't have to be the decision making, it could be helping with the little details. Besides, its always the little details that the brides cherish and remember

johnsae Posted: May 16, 2005 11:12 PM

Re: Mothers of the Groom

Thanks so much for this thread - it made me stop and think about the fact that I haven't really involved my FMIL in my planning at all....after I read this thread I sent her a few emails asking her opinions on favors, etc.

Without this thread I may have gone a lot longer without realizing I was leaving her out. Thanks!

LImom Posted: May 16, 2005 11:46 PM

Re: Mothers of the Groom

Posted by johnsae

Thanks so much for this thread - it made me stop and think about the fact that I haven't really involved my FMIL in my planning at all....after I read this thread I sent her a few emails asking her opinions on favors, etc.

Without this thread I may have gone a lot longer without realizing I was leaving her out. Thanks!

Good for you. We often forget to do things because we just are too busy or preoccupied to think of them -not because we don't want to.
I bet you made one woman very happy tonight - and a FH very proud.
I hope she takes you up on it.
Mary

Goldi1021 Posted: May 17, 2005 12:27 AM

Re: Mothers of the Groom

I am another bride to be. My family is paying for our wedding. When my mother spoke to my FMIL on the phone to congratulate her, FMIL said she would like to 'participate' in the wedding. We did not know if that meant by offering opinions, money or a particular vendor. We hoped it would have been financial in someway because thats what is needed most.

We set a date and got the ball rolling. FH and I are trying to put together a budget so we don't bleed my mother dry. (My father is ill and in hospice care and mom will have it hard enough). I told FH that he should put the feelers out to see what they would be able to contribute, if anything. It is apparent to me that they don't have what we do and that is fine. I just think we should be able to include what they CAN give us in a budget.

Also, FMIL has many opinions and ideas but I know that she will not like it when something I choose (or my mom chooses) is something she doesn't care for. The issue is, if they don't contribute financially, then they will have to deal with whatever decisions are made and I know that bugs FMIL to no end - especially when it means her guest list will have to be cut.

I made it abundantly clear that we are not inviting anyone with guests unless they are living with, are engaged to or are in a long relationship (at least a year). Meanwhile, FMIL's list has every third cousin once removed with a date. Sorry Charlie no dice!

My mother has three daughters and a son, For both of my brother's weddings, she offered a financial contribution but was not asked to offer input. All she did was go to a wedding dress fitting. She was not upset and didn't flinch. She knew her role was not going to be active and was prepared for it.

Makmom Posted: Jul 13, 2005 09:12 PM

Re: Mothers of the Groom

My FDIL is already including me in things. Just the other day she asked my opinion on a flower question. She's a sweetheart. They just got engaged July 1 and the wedding is next June 24th.

MayBride06 Posted: Jul 14, 2005 12:39 PM

Re: Mothers of the Groom

Posted by MayBride06

Posted by lanabean

I can honestly say that I went out of my to include my MIL in the wedding--from the venue, to the flowers, to the menu--I wanted her to be part of it and we have a nice relationship.

I am also doing this! I think she may be more excited than my own mom! We are going dress shopping tomorrow!!

By the way...i find 'the one' with my mother-in-law! She was so excited! She is still so excited it's wonderful! I love her so much!!