Mustard -- A Tragic Story

Mustard -- A Tragic Story

As ham sandwiches go, it was perfection. A thick slab of ham, a fresh bun, crisp lettuce, and plenty of expensive, light brown, gourmet mustard. The corners of my jaw aching in anticipation, I carried it to the picnic table in our backyard, picked it up with both hands but was stopped by my wife suddenly at my side.

''Hold Johnny (our six-week-old son) while I get my sandwich,'' she said.

I had him balanced between my left elbow and shoulder and was reaching again for the ham sandwich when I noticed a streak of mustard on my fingers. I love mustard. I had no napkin. I licked it off. It was not mustard. No man ever put a baby down faster. It was the first and only time I have sprinted with my tongue protruding. With a washcloth in each hand I did the sort of routine shoeshine boys do, only I did it on my tongue. Later (after she stopped crying from laughing so hard) my wife said, ''Now you know why they call that mustard 'Poupon.'''

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Maxi Pad to the Fart

What did the maxi-pad say to the fart?

You are the wind beneath my wings.

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M&M's

An old man and a young man work together in an office. The old man always has a jar of peanuts on his desk, and the young man really loves peanuts.

One day, while the old man is away from his desk, the young man yields to temptation and scarfs down over half of the contents of the jar. When the old man returns, the young man feels guilty and confesses to his crime.

'Don't worry, son. I never eat the peanuts anyway,' the old man replies. 'Since I lost my teeth, all I can do is gum chocolate off of peanut m&m's

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Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Ted Bundy
Ted Bundy who?
Let me in, meat!
No!
I mean… Hello I am Santa Claus.
Yay! Santa!

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A Leprechaun and his Bodily Fluids

One day a man walked in a bar with a box. He sat down, opened the box and out popped a leprechaun. The man told the bartender, 'I want a pint of beer and a shot of whiskey for my buddy here.'

There was man sitting at the end of the bar watching all of this and, after the leprechaun drank his shot of whiskey, he ran down to the end of the bar and spit in the guy's face. Then he ran back.

The guy with the box said, 'I'll have another beer and a shot of whiskey for my buddy here.'

After the leprechaun drank his shot of whiskey, he again ran to the end of the bar and spit in the man's face, then dashed back.

The guy with the box ordered another beer for himself and another shot for the leprechaun. Again, the after the leprechaun drank his shot of whiskey, he ran down to the end of the bar. But this time the man was waiting for him and he grabbed the leprechaun and held him in the air.

He said, 'If you spit in my face again, I'm going to cut your pecker off.'

The leprechaun laughed and said, 'Leprechauns don't have peckers.'

Then the man said, 'If you don't have peckers, then how do you pee?'

'By spitting,' said the leprechaun

Re: Need a joke? Read a Joke. Add a joke.

Why was Rabbit lookin in the toilet bowl????

He was lookin' for Pooh!!!!