MyFSIL- One of my BMs NOT coming to my shower- VENT

Quick backround :My shower is a surprise and being thrown by my Mom and stepmom. My bridal party is 8 girls (sister, best friend, my brother's fiance, FH's 2 sister, 2 friends and best friends 14 year old) plus a FG (FH's neice).
My stepmother made a comment a few days ago to me 'Not everyone cares about family like we do Michele' or something along those lines. I just knew that something weird was going on with my shower. I have had a knot in my stomach ever since. I just am not the kind of person to let stuff go so I finally told my sister that I cannot stand not knowing what is wrong. THat I am worried about it. She fought with me and didn't want to tell me until I finally told her that I thought maybe my FH's family (mother, 2 sisters and neice) were not coming to my shower. I just had a bad feeling. She finally told me that one of his sisters is NOT coming to my shower. She planned a vacation AFTER knowing the date of my shower!!! Her husband is a teacher and off all summer so his schedule does not play into this at all. And I know for a fact that her plans were just made a few weeks ago because she told me that they weren't sure when they WANTED to go to CA. WTF!! I am totally pissed off about this. And I have a right to be, I think. I know the world does not revolve around my wedding but she is my FSIL and one of my BMs. My sister said my FH is very upset and is very worried about my reaction to all of this. I feel so bad that he has to deal with this too. He must be very hurt by his sister. I get along (or should I say got) very well and stay at her place when we visit his family in MA. I don't forget birthdays or other holidays either. I e-mail her to see how things are going etc.... The worst is I know that she is just so selfish that she isn't doing this because she is mad at me, she just thinks it is no big deal.
When his mom and other sister say to me 'Kelly wanted to be here but blahblah' I am going to say 'Then she should have been!' and walk away. This will forever change my relationship with her.
I feel awful that my Mom, stepmom and sister have been so upset by her too. I mean, how does a BM miss the bride's shower?

Re: MyFSIL- One of my BMs NOT coming to my shower- VENT

This does stink, but remember the shower in one day and you'll be married to her brother for the rest of your life. You'll need to see her at holidays and family functions.
Do you really want to make this the deal breaker for your relationship? You already know she's selfish, be the bigger person. Trust me on this, you'll be better off in the long run.
Good luck with the planning and enjoy the shower w/o her

Re: MyFSIL- One of my BMs NOT coming to my shower- VENT

she sounds very selfish and maybe jealous because all the attention will be on you.
enjoy your shower without her! you'll have many people and probably wont even miss her!

Re: MyFSIL- One of my BMs NOT coming to my shower- VENT

I am just married and had a big problem with my SIL at my wedding reception! However, I have seen what the fighting and the tension does to my husband and have decided that, even though she may be what she is, it isnt worth the hurt it causes my husband to see us not getting along. just remember that you need to take your fh's feelings into account here

Re: MyFSIL- One of my BMs NOT coming to my shower- VENT

I know this is a tough situation. But she is in the wrong - and knows it I am sure. With all that said....my advice is to let it go. Be the bigger person. When somebody says something about it just say 'I know. I wish she could be here. It would have meant so much to me, but I am glad she is taking some time for rest and relaxation'. My FH family is a MESS from incidents exactly like this. NObody speaks, everybody has an issue from some years gone by event or something, and in my opinion, it's not a good way to start your new family. It's the children that suffer in the end - hers and yours someday. And the pressure it will put on his mother and him is easily lifted if you just put your best foot forward. I promise you that people will admire you for you patience and understanding.

You have every right to be upset and offended Michele, but your FH will be so grateful to you if you let it roll off your back. She will forever be the one that didn't come to your shower. You don't need to be the one to forever hold the grudge! Keep your chin up and remember that all these events lead up to the marriage of you and your beloved - and your love and commitment is all that matters.

But - come here to vent! We are listening!

Re: MyFSIL- One of my BMs NOT coming to my shower- VENT

I spoke to my FH and he told me that he thinks what she did was not right at all and I can handle it any way I see fit, all he wants is for me to be happy. He doesn't care if she likes the fact that I am mad or not. He said that she needs to know that this was hurtful to me. In fact, he feels that it was hurtful to him as well and will tell her that too he said. I am not going to cause a huge problem but I will not pretend that I am okay with it. Whenever I do that it just causes me more stress and tension. If and when she calls to tell me 'how was your shower' stuff I will tell her that I do not wish to discuss it with her and then move on to another converstation. Why should I pretend not to be upset? I will never cause a huge rift in my FHs family but he said that they need to start to think about this stuff. It isn't right that they just blow stuff off. And she is one of my BMs too- who has a BM miss the shower.

Re: MyFSIL- One of my BMs NOT coming to my shower- VENT

I totally feel for you and agree with you completely. I have 8 bridesmaids from all over the country....east and west coast. My shower was planned for months..and one of my bridesmaids calls another bM that morning and can't come because she had to work.....she works and lives in NYC, and has a m-f 9-5 job. THere was apparently something that came up, an event or something, that she 'had to work'. I was furiious, and still am.....if I had a shower to go to that I was a BM in .....nothing except something super major..not a job,not a vacation...would keep me from that shower..you make a promise to your friend when you agree to be in the wedding....that you will take part in these things...it is bull****. ....If someone cant take the time out of their lives to take part in these things then they should dismiss themselves from the party..this same bridesmaid doesnt have the right dress, isnt showing up for thebachelorette party...and is basically showing up for the wedding....you find out who you can depend on and who your friends are that is for sure.

Re: MyFSIL- One of my BMs NOT coming to my shower- VENT

Ya know Michele - you are right. Maybe this is why everybody gets over on me all the time!!! I am too eager to let things slide and let people get away with things.

After re-reading your reply, I completely agree. It is a personal offense to you AND her own brother and she should be ashamed. There is no reason why she shouldnt' know how you feel!!!

Good luck !

Re: MyFSIL- One of my BMs NOT coming to my shower- VENT

I'm so sorry that she decided to go away knowing that she will miss your shower. It sounds to me as if she is selfish and jealous. Be careful how you respond to this because you will be part of the family and see her on the holidays all the time. I would be very hurt also if I were you.

Re: MyFSIL- One of my BMs NOT coming to my shower- VENT

Ok.. I usually don't post about my in-laws for fear they are spying on my but I can't let this one go!

Michelle I sympathize with you. I agree you have the right to be upset and offended. You FSIL is probably jealous and seems like a selfish person. My FSIL and partly FMIL have caused my mom lots of grief planning my shower...and unfortunately me too have become too involved with my 'surprise shower'.

I called my mom and she was very upset (I could tell)..she didn't want to tell me but I dragged it out of her. My mom went back and forth with my bridal party and in particular my FSIL for timing for the shower. Finally my mom got it between two dates and then started shopping around for a place. Before my mom can finalize anything (within two weeks of finalizing FSIL's availability), FSIL sends my mom an email saying she cannot have the shower on one of those days b/c she planned a vacation. She also said my mom is taking too long to decide. Doesn't mention how it took her over a month to give my mom her availability. Then FMIL sends a similar email to my mom. The place my mom was close to booking was only available on the date FSIL 'conveniently' planned her vacation. When my mom told them this, they basically said she can't make it and my mom should change it. My poor mom not wanting to cause future problems for me changed the date. I told her not to b/c I rather not have her there anyway...but my mom is too nice. Also, this all took place early in the week meanwhile the weekend before she called me telling me she was thinking on going on this vacation and wasn't sure she could afford it and wasn't sure if she wanted to go blah blah blah...now if she knew it fell on on of two dates my mom was considering and she had doubts to begin with..why plan the vacation? She is selfish and wants things her way! Plus I found out the vacation got cancelled (her b-friend dumped her) and doesn't call to tell my mom the vacation got cancelled. (PS This is one of many stunts she pulled....huge issue with BM dresses..she wouldn't go with me to pick hers out..then causes issues, etc.)

How did I solve it? I didn't. My mom told me not to worry and she and my BM's have things under control. I did speak to my fiance and I wish he wa as understanding as yours seems to be. At first my fiance agreed with me but then he called his sister and got her distorted version and send copies of some of her emails (not all and not all my mom's) to make herself look like the angel. Then he started taking her side. Since the date got changed (don't know when it is now), things have calmed down, but I do harbor resentment. I want to say my peace but I know it will cause problems between me and finace. I just feel that she has hurt me and that's it....but honestly that will probably make her happy...I think she gets a kick out of hurting people.

I think I am just using your post to vent...but Michele I wish you the best...I am glad you have a supportive fiance. I would let her know you are hurt in a nice way (after the shower...even ask if she wants to be in the bridal party) and see where it goes....my best to you!

Re: MyFSIL- One of my BMs NOT coming to my shower- VENT

boy my last response was long - - michele we should chat one day and share our war stories!

Re: MyFSIL- One of my BMs NOT coming to my shower- VENT

That really stinks! I would also be hurt and offended and downright POed...I'm just very glad to hear that your FH supports YOUR feelings, and also understands and shares them. It seems however you react to it, and there will come a time where you have to towards her specifically, he will stand behind you. That's the most important thing. Unfortunately, although you are marrying him for the rest of your life, you also inherit people in your life who aren't as caring as him. You didn't get to choose these people...

You will still have the time of your life, without her there, and hopefully she won't even cross your mind that day. All the best...

Re: MyFSIL- One of my BMs NOT coming to my shower- VENT

Thanks for the support everyone. The thing is I really do not have war story to share. So far, his family has not said one thing about the wedding. I picked a dress that was $250 (because of the wrap being made too) and not one complant about the $$ even thought the most they had ever spent on a BM gown was $125. (Remember they are from MA, things are done very differently). They never say anything negative about the wedding.
Usually everything is 'lovely' or 'that is nice'. But this is a real slap in my face. And she put my FH is a bad situation too- he is worried how other members of my family will take this. He said he is going to tell her that when she gets back too.
It will just change the way I feel about her. I no longer have a real desiree to be friends with her. Of course she will be my SIL soon and I will always respect that she is my husband's sister but that is where it will end. No more 'how are you' e-mails, etc.. And she blew off my birthday too. I doubt she is jealous to be honest. She is just selfish and does not place any importance on special occasions, holidays, birthdays, weddings etc.. This is the same sister who never calls FH for his birthday or even sends a card to him from his neice. So she is just a thoughless person really. She will miss a great time and I am sure she will know how I felt when she gets home and the other people tell her about the shower.

Re: MyFSIL- One of my BMs NOT coming to my shower- VENT

Michele, so sorry that you have to deal with this. Perhaps you or your FH should say something to her. Only because you are going to be SIL's with her for the rest of your life. You dont have to be best friends, but you dont want to feel resentment every time you see her.
In any case, dont let her put a damper on your shower day, have fun and enjoy every second!!

Re: MyFSIL- One of my BMs NOT coming to my shower- VENT

Michele you may have read my drama with FH's sister. And we HATE her. Hate is not the perfect word to describe how we feel about her. But what I would love is to have a relationship with his sister. I don't think it will ever happen. She is disgusting, ruthless, thinks she is perfect person and mother HA NOT... She is a flat out B****!

You on the other hand have a relationship with your FSIL and although she may be selfish in her ways, you do get along (before this incident). I would definitely say something to her and how upset her actions made you feel. Some people just don't get what is important sometimes. And they place themselves first and foremost. I am sure she will understand once you explain to her how you feel and then realize she mad a mistake. Good Luck Michele.

Re: MyFSIL- One of my BMs NOT coming to my shower- VENT

Michele,
At least you know where it is coming from. Before this you didnt know. Now you know what to expect. You know my situation with his sister. It is his sister and that is where it will end for me. Any kind of friendship beyond that after what I went through. I know how it sometimes hurts when people dont do what they should do, but I am trying to learn myself that you cant change ignorance and selfcenteredness. Hang in there!