Need Advice... long and serious..

I never thought I'd be doing this, I am a regular on here, but am using a different name to protect my pride I guess..

Anyway, here is my story.

I just found out, FH cheated on me two weeks ago. He went out by himself one night, got piss drunk and ended up going home with some girl and having unprotected sex.

There are alot of things about are relationship that make me understanding of his behavior, I'm not a fool in love and I know him VERY well, this is not in his nature, he is not a commitmentphobe, or player type in any way.

That said, we are both under alot of pressure, our familes don't get along, we are both working two jobs, I am planning to have surgery soon, and he is totally freaked about it. All the wedding planning, all the moving planning, so many more things, that most girls who know me would figure out who I am, so I won't say more.

I don't excuse his behavior in ANY way, but I love him very much, and in my deep heart I know how much he loves me.. I guess what I want to know, is this something we can get past and continue building towards are future.

He's not a liar, he told me what he did right away, actually he told my sister first, to gage what my reaction might be, honestly I don't think there is anything I can do to make him feel worse than he already feels..

But I also know what we had, that 120% trust, is gone, how do we get past this? Is this a test of our love, our commitment? or is this something unforgiveable?

Thanks in advance

first of all, i'm so sorry that you have to go throught this....
in my opinion, if this was me, i would not be able to forgive this. even if he was honest with you and up front about it...i would always picture him with someone else. even if i never feared he would do it again, the thought of him with someone else would tear me apart. and i doubt i would ever be able to be intimate with him again.
that's just me though, i happen to be hyper-sensitive about this, and i don't know your whole situation and your history together....

good luck!

Unfortunately, if it were me, I'd end the relationship. I know that I would never get over something like that.

good luck to you!

Posted by suven

Unfortunately, if it were me, I'd end the relationship. I know that I would never get over something like that.

Same here. That is something I just couldn't get over.

I have seen someone very, very close to me go through this and she stuck it out and they got through it. They are happy now, but it took a couple of years of hard work and counseling. I commend her for going through and getting through it.

Me, I just couldn't forgive and forget.

This is kinda hard. Really hard. I can't even begin to tell you how to deal with this.

The first thing to do is to postone/cancel the wedding. I would NOT get married to this guy.

Then spend some time with yourself, away from him. At least 2 weeks. Figure out how you feel about him, about this, how long you've known this guy, whether you *really* know him or just thought you did, etc, etc. How long is your relationship? That's KEY, in my opinion. 1-2 years, I don't think it's worth it. But, for instance, my FI and I have been going out for 10 years. If he did something like this to me, I can't just say I would break it off instantly. I don't know if I would stay with him, but I can't say I would break up with him either, I really can't.

And try to go get some consuling. For yourself at first, and if you decide you want to see if you can work this out, bring him too.

But THIS IS YOUR DECISION. THE BALL IS IN YOUR COURT. DO NOT LET ANYONE RUSH YOU INTO ANYTHING - TAKE YOUR TIME and BE BY YOURSELF FOR AWHILE.

Good luck sweetie.

You know your FH and your relationship better than any of us do. What we may do may not be the right thing for you. I think you should follow your heart and your gut. It sounds to me like you are leaning towards trying to forgive him. You need to know that if you decide to stay with him it's going to take a lot of work on both of your parts. I suggest that the two of you go for couseling BEFORE moving forward with any wedding plans. If in the long run you forgive him, you need to let go of this and can not hold it over his head forever. Best of luck with everything!

By the way, I think your FH made a second mistake when he told your sister what happened. It was unnecesary to bring someone else into it. This is not something you would want any of your family to know, especially when there are already problems in that area.

That is so hard- I am so sorry for you.

I think this is something only you can decide for yourself. I don't think I could forgive.

If I did decide to try and get past it, I think it is something that would constantly come up and plague our relationship until it eventually destoyed us.

I would hate to see that happen to you after you are married.

But again, that is just me- you know yourself and you know him better than all of us-whatever you decide I hope you are happy!

Counseling for you both is not a bad idea.

I don't consider being piss *** drunk an excuse, sorry. I would end it or atleast postpone the wedding until you worked on this issue more.


Also think twice before you sleep with him again because you never know what 'gifts' he might have brought home with him.

I'm sorry

I guess I'll be a different voice here..

If it were me, it sounds like you both love each other very much. If you truly feel this is not his true self, then I'd try to work it out. Trust is a tricky thing, we give it freely, but it takes so little for us to take it away.

I am a woman of strong faith, I think I would be able to forgive this, but it's the forgetting I'd have alot of trouble with.

I've had two very close friends go through something like this, and I will tell you it's hard, you become suspicious of everything and anything. But I do believe if the love is truly there, you will find your way back to each other.

It will never be as it was before, but it could be better, stronger.. It will take alot of hard work, and you may fail some before you find a new place for yourselves as a couple..But it's not impossible.

Hope it helps..

From reading your story I take it you are not ready to let go Then again who would be)
Do whatever it is you need to do right now,and just now that it will be ok in the long run
Go with your heart & soul,and keep the faith within yourself

I agree, getting drunk is an excuse. I don't believe he went out purposefully to do what he did, but I have trouble with the idea, that he didn't think about what would happen to us, if he went through with it..
I asked him, didn't you think of me once, while this was happening???

Honestly, in my heart, I have forgiven him. When we first started dating, I talked to an ex for months after we got together, I never cheated, but there were a few times when I almost did, I know in my heart, I wanted too. But I never let myself actually do it.

I have asked him for time, to think and figure out how I feel about all of this. He has agreed to give me all the time and space I need. Our wedding is a little over a year away, so basically I am putting everything on hold, except for the hall, since we already made some payments.

Basically, I'm more hurt and angry at him, I love him very much, and that hasn't changed. We have been together long enough more than 3 years now that I do feel I know him, I knew something was wrong for the week and a half before he told me what happened, I just didn't think it was this, I thought he was upset about my surgery, (it's a life changing one) he supports me having it, but he's afraid for me at the same time)

Honestly.. I think my pride is hurt more than anything else, I feel like how dare he??? My sister also suggested I talk to someone professionally, and I think I just might do that..

I also suggest that you not have unprotected sex with him for a while. He did wrong by you by cheating and he did you wrong because he's putting your safety at risk. He needs to get tested so that you both know where you stand, and he's going to have to keep getting checked for a while to be sure. I'm so sorry you're facing all of this.

I agree with the girls about you not having sex with him until he's been tested. It would do you good to take some time off from that, anyway.

And please, please go get counseling. If not for the two of you, then at least do it on your own. You need to talk things through with someone who can be neutral.

im so sorry to hear this... if it were me i could never forgive cheating because how can you trust they will never do it again, if they already did it once, plus unprotected sex with another person, he could get her pregnant or a disease, id just be picturing him with another person

i agree with alot that has been said already - especially not having sex with him for awhile - he needs to get his unprotected butt off to the free clinic and get tested for all the little nasties he may have brought back with him
- personally i wouldnt even talk to him again , but it sounds to me like you dont want to loose him or the relationship you two have built -
being drunk is an excuse - and personally i think it is a lame one at that
do take time away and seek professional counseling -
putting all the wedding stuff on hold is a definate must do - also check with the hall about cancellation and changing dates in case you need to -
i am so sorry you have to deal with this -
let the decision come to you - just be sure not to let anyone else talk you into something you dont feel is right
these boards are great and all but this is a serious decision , please take the time to make the right one for you
many hugs

Nobody can tell you what to do in this situation. What's right for me or someone else may not be right for you. There are some tough questions you need to ask yourself to help you make a decision...
Will you ever really forgive him - not think about it everytime you argue? Not hold it against him in the future?
Will you be able to forget and really trust him again?
Getting drunk is never a reason, it's an excuse for unacceptable behavior. There is something more going on here than him just being drunk and doing something stupid. What is behind his behavior?
Does your surgery come in to this decision? That you want someone there to help you through it?
Do you think this relationship is worth it?

There are no right or wrong answers but I think if you are honest with yourself you may be able to see things a little more clearly. This has happened to me in the past, and we were together three times as long as you and your FH. I couldn't forget or forgive as I felt my trust had been violated. It turns out he wanted out but used actions instead of words. I'm not saying that's the case here, but someone in a trusting, committed relationship does not use getting drunk as an excuse for any poor behavior. Take your time with your decision - there is no rush. And don't let the fact that you have all these wedding plans factor in to it - they should not matter. Think about what will make you happy and what you deserve in life - that's what matters. Good luck

im sorry that this had to happen to you. i would love to give you tons of great advice but only you can truly know what is best for you. my biggest concern when someone cheats on someone else is never really why they did it or even if they will do it again, the problem is the trust issue. i think that without trust any relationship is doomed. i think yoiu need to figure out if you think you can truly trust him again or do you think it will consume you and your relationship and make both of you unhappy. i know about this im speaking from exprience. i also dont think that using we both have been stressed is a valid enough reason to cheat life is very stressfull and if you bring kids and a home into the picture the stress level can rise. you dont want him to feel that its exceptable for him to run out and sleep with someone unprotected no less if the going gets rough. i agree with the other girls you need to take some time for yourself and just think about things. i hope all works out

I would suggest couples counseling. For him to understand why he did that and for you to trust him again. I'd put off wedding plans until then.