Need Advice... long and serious..

As a guy.. I don't want to be too harsh.. so I'll be as gentle as possible....

I don't think you should get married.. at least right now. You need time to think.. and you time to yourself.

I honestly don't buy the 'I was drunk' thing.

There's no excuse that could ever be good enough. No one put a gun to his head to get into bed with this other woman.

Maybe he was under stress and not thinking straight.. that's no excuse...

He needs to be tested again and again.. for both his own sake and yours too if you two decide to be intimate again.

Take time away fom him for now.


I agree with the words from the guy that responded to this post! Sorry, the 'I was drunk thing' is totally lame in my eyes! It's like if you went out with some girlfriends and got trashed, can you see yourself sleeping with some stranger? Anyway, It sucks that you have to be in this position, it sounds like you aren't planning on letting him go, it sounds like you want to forgive him and you have to listen to what your instincts tell you, no one can make you do what you don't want to do, but just realize what you are getting into, and if this guy can easily 'get drunk' and get some @ss!! while he's engaged, in a longterm relationship, already financially invested in the wedding plans and if he's forgiven - after all this, what will make him not do this again? You say your 'Pride is Hurt', personally I think it's a little bit deeper than that and I hope you value yourself enough to realize that this situation damaged more than your pride. Definitely counseling is needed and I hope you both can work things out and make the right decision for your future. I wish you all the best.

this is obviously tuff to decide, but everyone on here is right..u need to postpone the wedding...the fact that he could do this, especially while your engaged! is enuff for me to end it, its not like it was kiss, which is still enuff to scream about, but unprotected sex! u need to take time for urself life nsgraham told you...clear your head, and figure out things
best of luck to you

I'm so sorry you have to deal with this. I agree with a lot of the other posts...I don't know when your wedding is, but you need to postpone it. You both need to really think about what the next steps should be. Trust is essential in any relationship and he threw that out the window. Being drunk is not a good enough excuse, nor is pressure. We all have pressure. The stress of life is constant...maybe this was something that needed to happen to show you that when times get tough...he may not be able to handle it.

But like I said...you both need to just take a few steps back and take a breather from each other. If it's meant to be, you'll end up together again.

Me personally, I would never trust him again. I just wouldn't want to live my life doubting my husband and wondering what he's doing everytime he walks out the door.

Good luck.

J

So sorry you are going through this. Here is my take on it.

Getting drunk and being stressed is not an excuse. There has to be more there. I'm sorry to say it but cheating is never a problem, its only a symptom. Assuming that it was just stress and booze, how can you trust he won't get stressed out again? What happens when if you are married, with a baby? Babies cause a lot of stress ! That does not justify going to a bar alone, getting drunk, and having sex with someone. Do you really want to always wonder when things get tough- where is he going.

I agree with the no sex for 6 months. You don't know what he is carrying and nothing, even condoms, are 100% effective.

Now- you said something- you have already forgiven him. I don't understand how- but you sound like a better person than I. But do you trust him? How can you truly forgive him if you don't still trust him? As for your pride, you have every right to have that hurt. Take some time from your relationship.

Only you know what's best. But make sure you decide, not only with your heart, but with your head. Between the two, you will come to the right decision.

I am sure you've already made your decision, deep in your heart.

Since it sounds like you are sticking to it, at least make sure if you work things out, you do it with professional help. Otherwise, you will suffer more than you need to.

So, with that said, here are my 2 cents.

Alcohol relieves inhibitions and therefore anything he did is something he wanted to do before, even if it was subconsciously. These things don't happen by accident. Would he jump off a bridge if he was drunk or stressed? No, because he knows he would die.

Also, if he was really that drunk, he would not have been able to have sex. It doesn't work well when you are really trashed.

And finally, having unprotected sex is disrespectful and a complete disregard for your and his well-being. Escpecially if you slept together before he told you. For that very reason I would head for the hills quickly. I wouldn't be with him for 6 months since protected sex is not 100% effective - there are plenty of things that get spread with safe sex. Herpes, crabs, HPV, etc etc

Sorry this happened to you and I hope everything works for the best!

I am sorry to hear that! but I don't care what excuse someone gave to me, they still chose to sleep with that person.. what would stop him or her from doing it again that couldn't stop them from doing it at first.. you need to cancel this wedding!

First like all the other girls , I am sorry that you are going through this time. No matter how much advice you get, in the end it's your decision. I don't think I would be able to forgive and forget what he did. I honestly couldn't see myself even kissing my Fiance after cheating. There is no excuse for cheating. He is a grown man and he obviously wasn't thinking of you and your relationship when he did that. It sounds like you really love him, but ask yourself do you still trust him? are you going to wonder where he is if he's running late, or if he's lying? Give yourself alot of time. Good Luck with everything.

My heart truly goes out to you! I cant tell you what you should or shouldnt do because all of us are so very different and what one relationship can handle another relationship couldnt, there is absolutely no comparing relationships..I myself could not look beyond the cheating or betrayal, but that' s me....you sound like you are willing to work on it and that is most definatley only something that YOU can decide. My best advice to you is to speak to someone professionally. My concern is why you would forgive someone who does not have your best interest at heart. I recongize that you love him, but Im concerned with why you would be willing to live your life with a husband who potentially may cheat again and again. I feel he has an extreme lack of respect to tell yoru sister before he tells you and I think maybe that is oemthing a professional psychologist can help you look at and possibly help you figure out WHY you are willing to put up with it. If I sound like Im judging you, I dont mean to be..I dont know you..I just want to try and help you to see the picture for what it is. Sometimes when we are in things and are hurt, we cant see straight. Allow yourself time to see straight..if you arent ready to break things off comeplety, continue seeing him, but do yourself the favor of talking to a professional and figuring out what is best for YOU!!! The saying once a cheater always a cheater I do NOT believe is true, I do believe that people can can change..Ive cheated on boyfriends and would never cheat on DH..but like is aid earlier, each relationship is so very different. I know you are hurting, I know this must really suck bad for you and Im so sorry, PLEASE take the time to figure out your needs...marriage is a lifelong commitment, can you trust him again? Will you trust him again? Do you even want to spend your tiem worrying where he is when he is out? If he was so careless to have unprotected sex with a stranger, where his own self respect? Where is his respect for your relationship, not to mention YOUR health!?????? Im sorry if I sound harsh..I just wnat you to see options!!!

I am really not sure that I personally would be able to get over this....and the part that really upset me was when you said he had unprotected sex...how dangerous for the both of you! But if you do decide to stay with him, give him one more chance. There is a reason you guys fell in love and made a committment. But consider that this is the rest of your life and if you do go ahead and stay, will you be able to move past this? good luck

First let me just say how sorry i am that you are having to deal with this!

Your original question about whether you could get past this is something only you can answer! its very easy for any one of us, those who have never been there, to speculate as to what we would or wouldnt do. I have no clue if I would forgive my FH and I pray I never have to find out!

That being said, I do know someone in a very similar position who did get past the one night stand her BF had! They were not engaged at the time but he had a one nighter with a friend! My friend did find a way to forgive and forget, and they have been happily married for one year! So it can be done, but it is up to you and your FH to decide!

My only advice would be not to rush, to take your time and make him earn back that trust! Make him prove to you that he wants this relationship as much as you do and that he knows that he can NEVER do what he did again!

Best of Luck to you!!

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I don't know if there's anything more to say that hasn't already been said. Yes, this is a decision only you can make, but remember, marriage is supposed to be forever. This is a lifelong commitment you make to the one person you feel you want to spend your life with. It's not about the party, or about the planning, but about what happens after the party is over. There will almost always be stressful situations that present themselves throughout your marriage, and you need to get through those situtations together. Right now, I think you need to take a step back and ask yourself, if this is what he does now and uses stress as an excuse, what will happen when bigger issues come up? Will he be able to work through it with you? A marriage is all about working through situations that arise in your lives together. To get over each and every hurdle that's put in your way TOGETHER. You don't want to go into your marriage thinking you can always get divorced. I agree with everyone else's advice that you should seek some counseling, but it might be good for you to go by yourself first. Don't forget to look within yourself, and believe in yourself. You are the most important person you have! Don't compromise yourself! Best of luck with everything!

Sorry to be so blunt, I think that you both need to take a step back and maybe postpone the wedding. Go to a counselor or a parish priest or rabbi and hear what they have to say. I understand that you love him, but the behavior would have teared me to shreds. Remember postponing a wedding or even canceling it is a lot cheaper than going through it and getting a divorce. You both need to seek professional help/

I think that you should do whatever YOU feel is right...It's very hard when you get mixed opinion to understand how you really feel....and to be honest it sounds like you might want to stick this out and work it out....if that is your decision, remember it is YOUR decision, and no-one else can judge you for it....I think you need some time to think and then figure out HOW you would come to terms with it, it's very easy when you love someone to say, ok we can get past this...it's the actual getting past it part that is so damn hard....you will have some serious issues when he goes out, when you become intimate, etc....think long and hard about how you will react and what you can do to get past it...like counseling, etc...

If you decide to leave , that again is your decision , make sure you have plenty of people around you to get you through it...

I hate to say I understand, because I don't, but I will say in my younger years I have gotten drunk and done things I would never ever ever do if I had been sober...and I think it is an excuse that is more understandable then just doing it...BUT....I also think getting that drunk that you go home withsome is as big a problem in my opinion as the actual cheating...thats what would need to be worked on as well..

Whatever you do, make sure you are certain and have support, personal or professional!

Good luck!

Sorry can't help you on that one. But I'm send you a :