Need Advice... long and serious..

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Posted by nferrandi

You know your FH and your relationship better than any of us do. What we may do may not be the right thing for you. I think you should follow your heart and your gut. It sounds to me like you are leaning towards trying to forgive him. You need to know that if you decide to stay with him it's going to take a lot of work on both of your parts. I suggest that the two of you go for couseling BEFORE moving forward with any wedding plans. If in the long run you forgive him, you need to let go of this and can not hold it over his head forever. Best of luck with everything!

By the way, I think your FH made a second mistake when he told your sister what happened. It was unnecesary to bring someone else into it. This is not something you would want any of your family to know, especially when there are already problems in that area.

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I couldn't agree more or said it betther.

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Posted by palebride

first of all, i'm so sorry that you have to go throught this....
in my opinion, if this was me, i would not be able to forgive this. even if he was honest with you and up front about it...i would always picture him with someone else. even if i never feared he would do it again, the thought of him with someone else would tear me apart. and i doubt i would ever be able to be intimate with him again.
that's just me though, i happen to be hyper-sensitive about this, and i don't know your whole situation and your history together....

good luck!

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I agree with Palebride.
Sorry you are going through this

I am so sorry you are going through this. This is very serious!!!!

I am with the minority here (Pookiesangel). But this is because of my personal relationship and my personal feelings for my FH. I can't live without him. TRULY!!!!!!!!

If he got drunk and cheated on me it would not make me feel better because he was drunk. He cheated and that's the point. I would never ever ever be able to forget it. I just know that the thought will haunt me for a long time. I think that everytime I did something, I would throw it in his face what he did to me. It would go from us being the two happiest people to us being miserable at the sight of eachother.

I know all this sounds horrible and all but I love him and I am sure you do as well and I think that MY FH and I would be able to get passed the forgiving part.

It is a hard situation....way too hard for anyone to understand who hasn't gone through it.

You know what would work and what would be better for you. I know that for me..staying with him would work. Not for everyone though.

I would definitely postpone the wedding though.

Good Luck!!!!!

I am so sorry about your situation. It must be so hard but I would say that you should take time for yourself and get some distance for a while. I personally think I would be able to forgive my FI but never forget. It would take me a long time to be 'normal' again. Your heart will tell you the right thing for you.

I'm sorry you are going through this and I am so sorry to hear this. It's very dissappointing and discouraging.

You've gotten alot of good advice so far but I just wanted to add that I totally agree not having unprotected sex with him until he is tested. And, definitely, PLEASE postpone the wedding. I don't even think you should string the hall along because if you give it up now, they can rebook and you'll get more of your money back than if you wait and cancel later.

We were talking about this in pre-cana last week.... they said it basically takes about 2 years for a couple to work through infidelity ... depending on the circumstances of the cheating and on the people, of course. Don't think you'll get over this so easily just because you think you've already forgiven him. You are still in shock. I highly recommend some sort of counseling, too.

Good luck to you and I sincerely wish you the best!

As a guy.. I don't want to be too harsh.. so I'll be as gentle as possible....

I don't think you should get married.. at least right now. You need time to think.. and you time to yourself.

I honestly don't buy the 'I was drunk' thing.

There's no excuse that could ever be good enough. No one put a gun to his head to get into bed with this other woman.

Maybe he was under stress and not thinking straight.. that's no excuse...

He needs to be tested again and again.. for both his own sake and yours too if you two decide to be intimate again.

Take time away fom him for now.

I am so sorry to hear this.

There is another reason why he cheated. I am sure it wasn't just stress. Everyone gets stressed out, and that shouldn't be an excuse to cheat. Maybe he wasn't truly sure he was ready to get married.

What happens when you life gets even more stressfull?

Sorry, I hope I don't sound too harsh.

I know this hard, but I would not stay with him. Once a cheater alaways a cheater. I was once engaged, and found my ex fiancee cheating on me, and it hurt so much, I was never able to trust him again. I broke off everyhting, lock stock and barrell, we did not have many plans yet even though we were together for many years, ( over 7 to be exact )it hurt, but I was more relieved he was out of my life, and knew he was not the one for me. I then ended up meeting my husband very soon afterwards. Whatever you deciede to do , in your heart you know you did the right thing. My Mom and dad used to say, ( they have both passed away). ' It is easy to get married, but not so easy to get divorced'. Just that statement alone helped me make the right choice , and I knew leaving him was the right thing to do. I am so glad i did, I met a wonderful man who I have been married to for 50 days!!! Good luck in your decision, and here are some hugs for you.

First 's to you!!!

You have to do what is best for you, and as the girls (and guy) have said I think you need to postpone the wedding. He needs to be tested for quite a while there.

You said he told you right away and then you said he told you a week and a half later. IMO that is not right away. I have a problem with that. I was going to say, at least he was honest about it but to wait that long still leaves me with a problem.

It is not easy to back away or leave someone when you love them so much but you have to do what is best for you!

Do you think that he will never do this again? Are you secure with giving him more and more trust again as time goes on?

I think Sunny is right that you guys, if you want to stay together, need to go into counseling.

It is great that you have forgiven him already in your heart but have you been able to let go of it in your mind.



I hope whatever you decide to do, that you are truly happy!!!

I am sorry you are going through this. If I were in your place I would definitely postpone the wedding. But only you truly know him and what the future hold for the both of you. Its good to get objective opinions from us, but ultimately, its up to you. Good luck with whatever decision you make.

I am so sorry you have to go throught this..... no one knows your relationship like you do...
i have to say...JMO
if my FH ever cheated on me when we were engaged he would be out like trout!
before your engagement...i am not saying i condone this behavior but when someone gets enegaged it is for a life commitment and if you lose trust by FH making a decision lie this (being piss drunk is not an excuse) then maybe he isn't ready
this is no way to start a new life together
but if you can get past it then more power to you
personally it would always be in the back of my mind

that ering shouldsymbolize you and only you!!

You have been given wise advice by several people on this site. Personally, I would call it quits!! I can tolerate my FH blowing all of the rent money, but I can not tolerate him sleeping with another female. Aids is strong and alive in 2004 and I am not trying to die doing something I enjoy with the man I love. He cheated once and he will do it again!!! I do not know your age or how much time you have invested into the relationship, but you should get out. The trust is gone and it will never be the same. There are too many men out there for you to waste your time with a man who did not take your relationship serious enough to keep his manhood to himself and you!!!! Good luck with your decision. I wish you the best!!

I am so sorry you are going through this. I have to agree with some of the other brides - you have to follow your heart. If you go against it you will end up regretting your decision - not matter if it was right or wrong.

From the experience of a friend - DO NOT get intimate with him for at least 6 mo! I know that sounds pushy & a bit longer than most Dr.'s will tell you. BUT my MOH's sis BF cheated, was tested 4 months in a row & the Dr.'s cleared him of everything. She was intimate afterwards & ended up with an STD. All the Dr's could say was sometimes things pop up past 3-4 mo window & they can't be 100% right.

Cheating is a hard trial for any relationship. I don't know that I'd ever trust him again but I also know that I haven't been in this situation with my FH. IMO I'd cancel the wedding for now. You guys have so much to work through that this is the last direction your lives should be moving in.

Maybe this suggestion is off the wall but whenever I wasn't sure where a relationship was going I'd spend time with someone who would listen & not speak, & more importantly remind me of the world away from my relationship. Sometime's you get so caught up in being a couple that if/when the couple falls apart you're afraid to leave it b/c you don't know how to be just you again & the world outsude of that 'couple' looks like a scary place to be - especially when you see yourself as alone.

You're never alone though! You always have family, friends & LIW!

I'm sorry that you are going through this.

If I were in the same situation, I would have to break it off. As it has been said, you are the only one who really knows your FH. However, if this is how he chose to handle his stress and worries, I'm not sure he's adult enough to handle a marriage.

I am sorry that you have to go through this. I don't think it would be fair for me to say what I would do in this situation. I don't know you or your Fh and also my emotions are not going through what you are. What I can tell you is that you and FH really need to have a talk. You are both engaged. That is a big step/committment. His excuse for his behavior is unacceptable but that is what he is going by. Like most said already, maybe postponing the wedding wouldn't be such a bad idea. If you want to stay with him, he will have to earn your trust back, which will take time.

Good luck and keep strong.

I too am sorry you are going through this. But I do think it is better to find out anything that may happen before the wedding. I definitely wouldn't compare you talking to an ex when you first got together to this. This is sex, the most intimate thing he could ever do with another person, and IMO the most hurtful. I couldn't, or should I say wouldn't, forgive this, and it's also a respect issue to me. If he cherishes and respects what you two have, he would not have been in this situation to begin with. You will go through a lot of bumps in the road in your life together, and if this is a sign of how he pulls away from you when things are rough with needing surgery or the wedding planning, it is not a good sign and definitely better to have seen that now. Good luck to you but know that there is someone out there who would not disrespect you in this way.

I wish you the best and pray you will get through this

This is an awful situation and one which you absolutely should not have been put in. I think the main thing to ask yourself is this...if and when things get difficult during the marriage (because they inevitably will), will he possibly use the stress as an excuse to do something similar? If there's even a thought in your mind that says this is possible, you probably should break it off now, as hard as that is undoubtedly going to be.

Screw me once, shame on you. Screw me twice, shame on me.

Oh, and the other thing is if you do decide to get back together, please please please do not even consider unprotected sex with him for at least 6 more months. That is how long it would take for a number of STDs to show up on tests (including and most importantly HIV). If he just met this girl that night and she was willing to have unprotected sex with him, you can be damn sure this wasn't her first time doing that and it's likely she's walking around with a few little presents of her own. Regardless of your decision, you have to worry first and foremost about your health.

Thank you all for your kind words of support.

He made an appt to start the testing tommorrow, and yes I know it will take up to 6 months to be sure we are in the clear as far as health issues go.

There are many issues too private to go into here that affect our relationship. As you all have said, no one knows him or us as I do.

Call me foolish, but I do believe he won't do it again. As I've said before, this is not in his nature, but I do agree we need alot of work, and so far he is willing to do all the hard work it will take to regain my trust.

I just needed to talk to someone, and felt this was the easiest forum to do so.

Again thanks to all the ladies & men that sent kind words of advice