Need advice...dad remarrying

so i'm in a little bit of a strange situation right now and i wanted to get some advice from you girls. here's the situation:

my parents split up 4 months after FH and i started dating. my dad started dating another woman 4 months after that and has been with her ever since. it's been about 2.5 years now.

my dad just proposed to her last weekend and they are planning on having a destination wedding in st. thomas in march.

my dad offered to pay for my sister and i to come, and said FH is welcome to come but they can't pay for him.

here's where i'm lost. FH and i have been engaged almost a year and are getting married next november. my dad knows that we are footing most of the bill so obviously we can't afford to pay FH's way. i feel like it's their decision to get married a few months before FH and i (we've been planning this for a year now), but now i have to travel without FH because they want to get married right before our wedding.

my sister says that it's nice enough that they offered to pay for the 2 of us, and that i shouldn't be mad that they can't pay for FH.

am i being completely selfish? should i go without FH? should i say something to my dad?

i'm just not sure what to do right now.

I am sorry chica....
I love my paretns SO much but IF they told me tehy just got a Ticket for MYSELf NOT for my FH.. I will Not go...

He should have realize ur FH is a VERY IMPORTANT man in UR life and that ur FH is part of the FAMILY too...

Does ur FH knows this? If i was ur Fh and i woudl find out about this, Oh Boy I woudl b pissed.....

wow. i dunno what to say. i know that if this was my dad, id be super hurt. its your DAD not some random person. I think I'd talk to your dad about this. Can he NOT afford to pay for him or is just the way he wants to handle this?

I think its rude.

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Posted by allornil

wow. i dunno what to say. i know that if this was my dad, id be super hurt. its your DAD not some random person. I think I'd talk to your dad about this. Can he NOT afford to pay for him or is just the way he wants to handle this?

I think its rude.

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my boss and my dad are friends (and my dad does electrical work for him) so my boss said that in one saturday at his house my dad could make enough money to cover FH's way.

my boss put it this way: they are 2 established adults with well-paying jobs, they can pay for 2 FAMILY members (FH and i) that are just starting out and trying to pay for their wedding which is a few months later.

i have to add:

what does your FH think about the situation?

Your dad knew when you were getting married, why did he decide to get married right before you?

Unless he doesn't care if you go without him, I wouldn't. This is bound to start some bad feelings between them.

and I'm a spoiled brat but damn, if my DAD was getting married in St Thomas, Id EXPECT him to pay for me. sorry. I dont think its a super sweet gesture. he's your father and if he wants his kids there he should pay for them.

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Posted by VCanizalez

I am sorry chica....
I love my paretns SO much but IF they told me tehy just got a Ticket for MYSELf NOT for my FH.. I will Not go...

He should have realize ur FH is a VERY IMPORTANT man in UR life and that ur FH is part of the FAMILY too...

Does ur FH knows this? If i was ur Fh and i woudl find out about this, Oh Boy I woudl b pissed.....

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FH knows. he didn't say that he was pissed that my dad wasn't paying for him...he was pissed that they are getting married before us in general. this is the second family member to get engaged recently and get married before us (his sister was engaged in september is planning a wedding in may).

he also doesn't like my dad's fiance, so he said he doesn't even want to go. plus, he said he doesn't want to take time off of work since he needs to save his day for our own wedding. so that adds to the complication. do i even say something when FH doesn't want to go in the first place?

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Posted by allornil

i have to add:

what does your FH think about the situation?

Your dad knew when you were getting married, why did he decide to get married right before you?

Unless he doesn't care if you go without him, I wouldn't. This is bound to start some bad feelings between them.

and I'm a spoiled brat but damn, if my DAD was getting married in St Thomas, Id EXPECT him to pay for me. sorry. I dont think its a super sweet gesture. he's your father and if he wants his kids there he should pay for them.

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when my dad first told me he was going to propose, he said they would be going to town hall a week later and doing something low key. they didn't want a wedding since they've both already been married. i asked him if he was going to have my sister and i at the ceremony and he told me he hadn't thought about it.

so that's where this all came from. i think he felt obligated to ask me and my sister since i brought it up. i doubt we would have been invited if i hadn't said something to my dad about it...it's like he didn't even realize that it's commonplace to invite your children to your wedding.

Wow...
Ok.....

IF Fh doesnt want to go... I will prob NOT go...
for two different reasons...

1) (Im sorry chica but) THis is RUDE! Ur father shoudl Enjoy the fact UR getting married.. he shoudl ahve WAITED after ur wedding.... I dont think its appropiate to get married before ur daughter....

2) Dad did NOT offer to pay for Fh. Simple. Up to this point, My paretns know how much I love my Fh.. and If my paretns get me an Orange, they will buy another one for my FH too... I think this is So rude to give u a ticket But NOT to the MOST important person of ur life & future,,,,


Sorry if i am being too open/rude, but this is what i think./...

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Posted by Pacie

I think it sucks that he's planning a wedding a few months before yours but it's your dad and in my opinion you've gotta go. As long as FH isn't annoyed or upset with the situation then just go, drink and be merry.

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that's what i was originally thinking - i can't NOT go since it's my dad. and FH doesn't seem to be upset about me going without him. it's just the principle that they're doing this right before our wedding and i have to choose.

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Posted by VCanizalez

Wow...
Ok.....

IF Fh doesnt want to go... I will prob NOT go...
for two different reasons...

1) (Im sorry chica but) THis is RUDE! Ur father shoudl Enjoy the fact UR getting married.. he shoudl ahve WAITED after ur wedding.... I dont think its appropiate to get married before ur daughter....

2) Dad did NOT offer to pay for Fh. Simple. Up to this point, My paretns know how much I love my Fh.. and If my paretns get me an Orange, they will buy another one for my FH too... I think this is So rude to give u a ticket But NOT to the MOST important person of ur life & future,,,,


Sorry if i am being too open/rude, but this is what i think./...

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you're not being rude. this is what half of me is thinking. but on the other side i keep thinking 'people don't stop their lives because i'm getting married. their lives are happening too, and why should my wedding have any bearing on theirs?'

that's where i'm torn.

also, the fact that i cannot imagine FH's parents doing the same. there is no doubt in my mind that i would be getting a ticket from them if FH was. that's because they consider me family already...and i know my dad doesn't feel the same about FH.

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Posted by Pacie

I think it sucks that he's planning a wedding a few months before yours but it's your dad and in my opinion you've gotta go. As long as FH isn't annoyed or upset with the situation then just go, drink and be merry.

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ITA. I'd still be annoyed. Maybe talk to him about it (if you have that kind of relationship with him)

sorry hun

OK so I am probably going to be the only one to say this, but he is your father. If you throw a fit and don't show at his wedding because he won't pay for FH then you may be causing irreparable damage to your relationship.

Think of it as a mini-vaca with your sister!
Anyone who has a destination wedding has to understand that some people are not going to be able to afford to go.

Maybe Dad felt bad asking you to pay for yourself and that is why he is footing the bill for you and your sister.

Don't make a super huge issue about it. He is your father and someday, he won't be here anymore. This could be one of those defining moments.

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Posted by futurestevens

also, the fact that i cannot imagine FH's parents doing the same. there is no doubt in my mind that i would be getting a ticket from them if FH was. that's because they consider me family already...and i know my dad doesn't feel the same about FH.

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Ahhhhh
THERE IS THE KEY FACTOR!!!!!

Ur dad doesnt feel like Ur fh is part of the Family...
See, now knowing that, i will def NOT go... bc either way ur Fh is telling u otherwise, I think it will still HURT HIm and cause a BIG problem for the future...
I will not go chica... but i understand ur position...
I think my FH will be hurt... so I dont want to start a problem....

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Posted by Stardutchess

OK so I am probably going to be the only one to say this, but he is your father. If you throw a fit and don't show at his wedding because he won't pay for FH then you may be causing irreparable damage to your relationship.

Think of it as a mini-vaca with your sister!
Anyone who has a destination wedding has to understand that some people are not going to be able to afford to go.

Maybe Dad felt bad asking you to pay for yourself and that is why he is footing the bill for you and your sister.

Don't make a super huge issue about it. He is your father and someday, he won't be here anymore. This could be one of those defining moments.

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i understand what you mean. and i know in my heart that in the end i'm going to wind up going. i was actually really excited at first that i would get to go on vacay with my sister since she's never been to the caribbean...i'm still excited to go and see my dad get married.

it's just the whole principle that he wants to have this wedding in 3 months, right before ours, so therefore i need to make a 'choice' between my dad and FH. and that's what i'm having a problem with.

I don't know how you could NOT go, you know? He is your father and it'd be a different scenario if FH was not invited and your father treated him badly. Then I'd choose to stay with FH since you and he are starting your own family together and I would never 'support' someone who treated FH badly, even if it was my dad.

This isn't the case, FH is welcome, they just can't (or won) pay for him. I really commend your FH for not putting you in a more difficult position by complaining or acting hurt (even if he might be).

This is obviously bothering you so I would talk to your father (calmly) and just say that you love him and will be there for him regardless but have to get something off your chest.

Say that it really hurt your feelings that FH was not offered a ticket. FH is family as far as you're concerned and you wish he had been acknowledged as such. I would mention that FH was okay with it (you don't want your dad to think this is coming from FH) but that you took it personally whether your dad meant to or not.

well said... I agree with anney here.. You are in a tough situation.. and I do commend your FH for trying to be neutral on it. Maybe you and your sister can split the cost for FH's ticket if he wants to go and support your side of the family too... just an idea, I don't know your financial situations.

Also, have a talk with him, express how you feel and see what happens...

Ok.

First, speaking as an unbiased party, let me say that no matter what the final result will be, if i was put in this situation, I would go to St. Thomas and see my father get remarried. He is my father and iw ouldn't not go and start family drama. Your obviously excitied about him getting married, so try to concentrate on that.

With that said, here are a few things that I first thought then I read your post, and all the subsequent posts about your question:

1. Just because you (or anyone of us for that matter) is getting married in November, it affects us and deals with you directly, but has really has no meaning in anyone else's life. I know this is mean but we all know it to be true. Your wedding had no bearing on your FSIL chooseing her wedding date, because honestly, it doesn't affect them. When your wedding will be does will not affect their lives. If they are getting married in May, your getting married 6 months later. That's half a year away, more than enough time for the family to gather again for another wedding. Your dad is getting married in 3 months, so February/March, right? That's 11 months before your wedding. almost a full year. He is obviously not inviting many family members so will not impact your big day at all. While it may bother us as brides, we are the only ones who feel hurt by this.

2. regardless of what your father may or may not make in one day, and regardless if he can pay for 2 or 10 tickets to and from any destination, you don't know what your dad's financial situation is. unless you both have that type of relationship where you can discuss your financial difficulties and strengths openly, which i know, i can't do with my parents, but maybe your different. I also don't think it was your bosses place to be put in the position to say what your dad or can't afford and to evenjudge him in that way. You may think someone has enough money to pay for afford something, but maybe they don't. Maybe they are saving for their retirement, years from now, maybe they have debt to pay off, whatever the reason, you can't expect your father to pay for FH plane ticket just because he is your FH. Your dad offered to pay for you and your sister. Its a family event so have fun with it the way it will be. Obviously, if this is something that is really bothering, you talk to your dad about it, but keep in mind that you can not make anyone buy anything else for someone else.
Now with this said, every person is different, so while your FH's family would have paid for your ticket if they had invited FH, just remember that everyone perceives situations differently. Just like Veronica's parents, if my family, or FH's family invited either of to something, they would never dream of not inlcuding/paying for me, but, to each their own.

If FH can not take the time off from work b/c he would rather save it for your HM/wedding, then don't force the issue. Ask him again, if he would like to go and if there would be no hard feelings about it if he were not able to attend. Keep inmind also, that if you would really like FH to be there, flying to the Caribbean in our winter, is considered off season and the tickets would be significantly cheaper to purchase than during peak season.

I hope i'm no offending, but this is what I think.

Having lost my father at a young age. I agree with the other poster that you do not want this to be something you missed. Your dad didn't say he didnt' want FH there but I think he feels that you are adults and could pay your way. I know saving for a wedding is crazy expensive but at the end of the day he is your dad no matter what.

Once a family memeber is gone that's it there is no going back. I think your Dad is an important person in your life, granted you're probably pissed but he is still your dad.