Need Advise - Family prob - LONG!

OK - so my brother and I haven't really spoken in a few months BECAUSE..... he is 38 years old and my nephew is 12. Last year for my nephew's b-day (which is 2 wks after brothers) my nephew SO wanted a really expensive present (like 400.00) so brother said to me, I can't afford it if you want to get it you can - so I did. I love my nephew and neice like they're my own. Well, because I got nephew such expensive present, I did not get brother present. Just was with him on his b-day sang, blah blah blah. WELL a few MONTHS later he decides to tell me that this bothered him and he thinks I'm selfish, only worried about myself and my wedding... If I couldn't buy him something then I shouldn't have bought nephew that gift...and stay out of his life. OK - I tried to explain to him that he's the one being selfish - wanting to take away from his child so he could have something more. ANYWAY - he is also not talking to my mother(long story about his parenting skills) and we've all had some nasty fights over the last few months. SO - what this has to do w/ my wedding.... FI DOES NOT WANT HIM THERE! He has called me vile names and has ZERO resect for me and my mother - and neither do I But, I know because of family politics, he should be there. My neice and nephew are both in the bp. My brother and sis-in-law have been divorced and he is refusing to pay any $$ towards her dress or his tux. AND FURTHER he is refusing to p/u neice's dress from bridal salon - since April! Ex sis-in-law is being pretty good, but it burns my a$$ that he is doing this - so, invites went out 2 weeks ago and his is still sitting on my desk. I was going to wait until the very last minute to send it JUST to be spiteful, but I know that really won't matter to him. Him and his girlfriend will just show up empty handed and I really don't feel like dishing out $300 bucks for the 2 of them. BUT if I don't invite, then he will most likely cause problems w/ neice and nephew being in BP. Should I just s^ck it up and invite him and ignore it all???????
Sorry if I was all over the place with this - it's been VERY frustrating over the last few weeks and I just needed to vent

I know it stinks, but I think you should invite them. Be the bigger person. I know $300 is a lot to shell out, but if that's the cost of you being the bigger person, that's really not a lot of money.

And if your brother won't help with his kids' wedding attire (picking it up, etc.), YOU do it. You wanted them in the party, and you knew he was a stinker, so now is the chance to show these kids how a mature adult should act. You set the example for them. They need to learn from someone and it looks like that someone is not their father...

Will inviting him upset your FH?

How will others in your family respond to him not being there?

Will your niece and nephew still be there if he is not invited?

Thanks for your suggestions everyone! I've already told my mother that I was thinking of not inviting him - she was FINE with it. It's gone beyond basic family arguing. He is extremely nasty. FI understands if we HAVE to invite him, but doesn't really think we should. Ex sis-in-law and her new hubby are attending and are going to be the ones getting neice and nephew ready, but I really think he'd start something with her and them if I didn't invite. I've talked myself into being the bigger person 100 times but let me tell you - IT'S HARD!!! I really think he'd do something stupid that day to bring attention to himself in front of everyone - that's just the way he is.

Unfortuantely, I would not invite him. One thing is being rude, another is verbally abusive

Sorry babe

I know Curly.... it's a hard call for me

Everyone will have their different opinions on this..but why do YOU have to be the bigger person here..its your **** wedding day..you do what will make you and your fi happy..if your brother has no rspect for you..he doesnt need to be there.period
This isnt about pleasing everyone and making everyone happy..its about making YOU happy..will you regret in ten years not invitng him?

I would invite him only for the sake of the kids. They are probably so excited to be in your BP and if you think their dad will pull them out b/c of his not being invited, I would just invite him.

I don't think I would ever regret BROTHER not being there, but it really is all about the kids. I'm pretty sure he'd pull them out - Not 100% - but that's the kind of person he is. He uses them as leverage. That's what makes this so hard. My FI and I really DON'T want him there and that would be my decision if not for neice and nephew

I would do whatever it takes to keep the kids in the wedding and not disappoint them. Maybe your brother will get his act together and be responsible.

Good luck

I just want to say thank you to you guys for taking the time to read and reply It really means alot to me!

hugs to you.... that is a tough one... If i knew the SIL would bring the kids and there wouldnt be problems, I probably wouldnt invite the brother... but i would say dont take the chance.. just invite him and **** up the $300.... then AFTER the wedding I would say ignore him all you want, dont invite him over.. etc.... But just keep peace for the wedding..

Honestly I would invite him, espeacially now that you talked to him, and hope he doesn't show up. In the end, things may get better (as he gets older ) and I wouldn't want that hanging over my head 'a sister didn't invite the brother to the wedding' thing...

this really is a very difficult situation. obviously your brother is having some major life issues and probably resents the fact that you can afford to buy his son the gift he wanted and he couldn't. what does your mother say about this? Honestly you might want to speak to your brother and tell him just how plain hurt you are over this whole situation and that he should call you when he is ready to talk like a grown up. I would take care of my niece and nephew above all else. Perhaps your SIL can help you with the children that day, in case your brother doesn't show up or causing a problem.

the money is not really the issue. one of my SILs gave me $50 for her, herFH and her son. Sure I was upset but it is what it is.

I wouldn't care if he came and didn't give me any $$ - it's just that he'd be trying to make a POINT by doing that and THAT'S what aggravates me. I guess you guys just reiterated what my bottom line has been - those kids are what matters most and it is important to me that they are there and scre w him. Hmmm...maybe I'll have a few drinks and make a toast to my wonderful brother so I can make sure the whole family knows what he really is Only kidding - would never! So, should I just mail the invite out now and forget it or should I wait just a WEEEEEE bit longer to make him squirm????
ETS - Michele - I TOTALLY agree with you about him having major issues, but just a little note... not long after the b-day, he went out and bought himself a BRAND NEW Vette - so he has the money - just not for his son (who unfortunately, absolutely IDOLIZES him )

if you know he'll be spiteful and not give a gift... you can certainly make him squirm a little..

i say it's your day - and inviting someone is honoring them by having them be with you on your special day. It doesn't sound like he deserves that kind of an honor. If his ex-wife is helpful...have her take care of the kids and just exclude your brother entirely!! If this is how he behaves on a daily basis...imagine the scene he'll make at the wedding.
And excuse me....but what kind of a person complains about not getting a present and says you should take away from a child for him...this guy needs help...I know he's your brother - and I really feel for you! Good luck to you!

I wouldn't invite him, personally, IF I thought he'd cause a scene or make me feel bad. If ex sis-in-law is fine with him not coming, then how could it affect the kids being in the bridal party?

I WOULD invite him if I thought it would be better for the kids.