NEED AVICE ON ANNOYING PARENTS!!!!!! PLEASE

This is more of a vent, but I promise I'll make it short. I also need your advice. Please be as honest as you can.

My FH and I just closed on our hose 2 weeks ago and have been busy fixing it up. My FH has decided to live there and I'm still living at home. I am an only child which I think is most of this problem, but I'll let you decide for yourselves.

Well, right before we closed on the house I had a talk with my parents and my FH had a talk with his about 'pop by visits'. We just wanted to let our parents know that we want them to come stop by when they are in the area, but to ask them of the courtisy of calling us first. (long story but my MOH's MIL just stops unannounced ALL the time and it's ruining her marrage!) WE just want to make sure that this will not happen, especialy since my parents will take advantage of us living close by them and just pop in ALL THE TIME! I can forsee this being a problem. His parents had no problem with it, but my mother threw a full blown hissy fit! ?She cried and said that 'I just don't love her' and that 'I don't want her around'. This is not the case and not what I said at ALL! Well, weeks went by and we did talk this out and she agreed.

Fast foward now to the present. Since we have been in this house (for 2 weeks) my parents have 'popped' in 2x unannounced. His parents- 0 (I don't mean to be comparing them, but I just want to let you know that his parents are respecting our wishes). The first time my parents did this, I ignored it. This last time, I did get angry, but when I confronted them, I was appreciative of their visit, but asked them to just call like they told me they would. ( the first pop over was to deliver us a mailbox they picked up for us at home depot down the block and this last time was to give us a new broom that we didn't even ask for). To me, they are just making excuses to come over.

Well, my mother started to cry and tell me that she is annoyed at me for requesting this and it is the first time she has ever heard me say this! Then my father walks in and my mother says to him that I don't want them around our house!!!!!! he gets angry at me and gives me the cold shoulder.

He then tells me that it's ok for my fh' father to come over to help out but not for him. (well, my dad did come over with my mom last sat. to help me out and my FIL just came 2 nights ago to help out). My fil has a very limited time to spend with his son because of his job, but the point is that both of them got to help out one time so far and there will be other times! I told my dad this and he refuses to talk to me!!!!

Please tell me if I'm way off base in my request or not. I am feeling guilty about my parents, but boundaries have to be set or they will become the parents on 'Everyone loves Raymond' and be always over.

Thanks for reading this very drawn out case. Sorry it wasn't as short as I meant it to be.

Kelly

Re: NEED AVICE ON ANNOYING PARENTS!!!!!! PLEASE

I'm sorry to hear about this...I actually have the opposite problem...my parents haven't seen our place...and my mom came out to see my old place one time, b/c we went to RK to look at dresses and I said why don't you come by and see the place!!

My mom is against pop-ins and never did to my sister who lived 1 1/2 miles away...but I think they are excited about the house...I would give it some time...you'll have to invite them over a few times now to soothe things out...maybe make dinner...

Its a big step for parents when their children get married...especially an only child...my mom cried when my older sister went to college...

Re: NEED AVICE ON ANNOYING PARENTS!!!!!! PLEASE

I'm so sorry you are going thru this right now - this should be such a happy time for you guys! I think they are having a hard time with you getting married, and this isn't just about your request about pop-ins...

People deal with change and letting go very differently. My mom used to start an argument with me EVERY time I started a new semester at college. This was her way of avoiding a mushy goodbye. And with you being the only child, it must be so difficult for them to let go...

I think you are doing the right thing by setting boundaries in the beginning, especially since they live so close to you. They are probably taking it as you don't want them around, when that is not the case at all. Perhaps they take it as, being that you are not living there yet, that it is not technically a pop-in...they are just coming by to help with all the tremendous work you're doing to the house. Maybe right now you can let it slide, let them pop over when they want for now, being that their intention is to help you get the house in order quicker, and once the house is up and running, start setting some limits.

In order to smooth things over, perhaps you can set up a nice dinner, and have a talk with them. Tell them that you understand that this is the first time for many things in their lives AND in yours. None of us are given a guide book filled with rules and ettiquette on how to deal with our children/parents in situations such as these. You never meant to hurt or offend them, and of course you will always want to see them as much as possible. But you are so excited to have your own home and share it with the man that you love - you kinda wanted to keep that to yourselves. Reassure them that they will be invited over often, and hopefully that will help.

If you need anything, please call me. All the best...

Re: NEED AVICE ON ANNOYING PARENTS!!!!!! PLEASE

Your parents are dealing with a HUGE change in their lives- You are moving out. It is the 'empty nest' thing. For the last 20+ years they had you with them, now it is just the 2 of them and perhaps they don't know how to deal with that. Honestly I think you should invite them over for dinner. Make it a very nice dinner and show them how much you love them. Call your Mom every few days, and if she calls you return the call if at all possible. Ask her how to do something around the house or how to cook something. She needs to feel that you still need her.
Now I am totally on your side about pop-ins, although I do pop in to my parents sometimes to drop stuff off, get something etc...but they never do it to us. Just let them know that you do appreciate the mailbox and broom (even if they are excuses, they just miss you that's all) but you want to make sure the place is cleaned up if they are coming over. I think that this is a big period of adjustment for all parties involved. For you, your FH, and all of the parents. This will work itself out, it just takes time and your parents will learn that you are okay on your own and still love and need them.

Re: NEED AVICE ON ANNOYING PARENTS!!!!!! PLEASE

thanks ladies! I feel better that everyone agrees with me on the pop-ins. I was beginning to feel unreasonable asking either set of parents to call first.

Well, the saga continues..... I left a note for my mother explaining that I DO want her help (and my dad) and I was not angry at them, I just wanted to clarify the situation. My mother wrote back and told me that she understands that she needs to call first and that is not the issue, it is that I was a fu*$#ing b-tch to her and was nasty when I asked her to stop 'popping' in. This is not how it happened. I actually rehersed what I was going to say on the drive over to my house (that is, my parents house- I still consider it 'my house' untill I officially move). I chose my words carefully and began by thanking her. In this note back to me, she also mentioned that she and my dad will never again be in our neighborhood. She is acting like a child.

Also, this morning I was getting ready to get my nails done and my phone rang. It was my dad at work and he said 'put your mother on the phone'. I said 'she's not here' and he just hung up. (my mother was at her nail appt. at the same place I was going to and by the time I get there, she is usually finishing up. Well, I was very upset about all of this and called my FH. He told me that my dad might have acted that way because my FH took it upon himself to go speak to my dad at his work (he works in a hospital). I was furious with him! I still can't believe he would go behind my back and do this! My FH said that my dad came down and my FH told his that he just wanted to speak with him about how upset I was. Well, my father just turned his back and walked away without saying a word. This whole thing has gotten way out of controll. I have spent the whole day crying and I cant stop. I know we all need to sit down and talk about it but I am so upset and embarrassed about all this.

Again, thank you all for listening my vent. Hope you all have a great day!

Marnels- I will see you on Monday.... BEACH DAY!

Kelly

Re: NEED AVICE ON ANNOYING PARENTS!!!!!! PLEASE

Good Luck with this. Luckily my parents know better and my in laws, well I'm not there favorite person so I would doubt anyway that they would pop in.
But we will be moving far out of state (florida or texas)and they really can't pop in.
Which is great b/c my fiance's family (all of them) leave there doors unlocked and family comes in and cooks and hangs out waiting for that. He hates it and I do as well. Heck, I wait to see one of them in the kichen b/c I'm uncomfortable walking into someones house like that.
Maybe give them a day they can come out, I know my grandparents (maternal) used to always come out on saturdays to have a quick lunch and hang out and would be gone by 3 and it made everyone happy. And became a nice tradition.
I'm guessing your parents are just used to seeing you and helping out and now you won't be dependant anymore and they miss it and are in overdrive. Good luck, I kinda wish we had the opportunity you have with pop ins, but like I said the AF will be moving us around for the next 20 years. Just try to keep the lines of communication open !

Re: NEED AVICE ON ANNOYING PARENTS!!!!!! PLEASE

Personally, I don't think your parents are doing anything wrong. I mean, you have been in their house for over 20+ years and now that you're gone, there's a huge void in their lives.

I think they mean well by coming over and seeing how you're doing. Maybe they don't want you to make the same mistakes they made. It seems like they're helping by brining over things for your new home.

I always got along well with my parents and I plan on living somewhat close to them. Yes, there will be times that FH and I would want to be alone, but I would welcome them anytime they decided to come over.

I'm sure after a few weeks, they won't come around as much as they are now. I think they're checking up on you to make sure things are OK.

Re: NEED AVICE ON ANNOYING PARENTS!!!!!! PLEASE

Wow I can totally picture my parents acting the same way so I hear where you are coming from, my parents are offended just for the fact that I want to look outside of the town we presently live in and not next door lol.

The resoning I dont is because of stuff like this, you are starting your new life and I think it is totally normal for you to request a call before stopping by, maybe this is just because it is new, they miss you and it is their way of dealing with it but then again if you let it continue it might be the norm for times to come, which I am sure you dont want.

Try to be sensitive to what they are feeling but I dont think you are wrong here, someimes its just the way things are said.

Good Luck and congrats on the new house, where is it?

Re: NEED AVICE ON ANNOYING PARENTS!!!!!! PLEASE

My cousin bought a house VERY close to my aunt, actually all my aunts and cousins and parents live with in a 5 minute drive from eachother (all in the same town.. My aunt goes to my cousins house constantly, last time i was there we were sitting in the kitchen hanging oout and there was her mom standing at the back door!! Today i was on the phone with her and she said she looked out the window and there was her father looking in the window to see if they were home!! this would drive me INSANE!!!!!! she doesnt say anything i dont know why but she must like it... i for one HATE the pop in!! by anyone... I moved to Bellmore which is a 20-25 minute drive so they NEVER do the pop in.. THANK GOD!! i invite them over frequently so they cant say anything... I feel for you!! my dad is the same way with the cold shoulder...i really have no advise as i would not know what to do in your situation ..but good luck.. and congrats on the house!