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need help ...long.. using a fake name .. please read

unhappy74 Posted:

need help ...long.. using a fake name .. please read

good morning ladies.. well im coming to you ladies under a fake account for obvious reasons.. i need some help, advice, words of wisdom.. i have been married for a few months already and well things are not going to well... here is whats wrong:

1.. he is always out and about working , doing things for others.. its like when he gets a chance to be home with me he does not want to

2. when he does get home at night from work .. he doesnt even say two words to me .. i get a kiss hello... and thats sometimes if not i have to ask for one .. then he sits infront of the tv and falls asleep

3. he never calls me during the day .. and if i call him its like .. what hurry up .. i gotta go .. never has a second to devote to me ...

4.... i feel like im a desperate house wife .. all i do is work go home, cook, bring him dinner, clean do laundry .. and i get nothing out of it...

5. and SEX.. well thats pretty much non existant ... (sp) let me see maybe 2 times a month if i am lucky.. and thats what hurts most that i can be throwing my self at him and he's like come on im trying to watch tv.. thats like a girl telling a guy he carrys a small package..

6. i feel like he never has time for me.. nor does he have time to talk to me.. he can talk for hours with others but when it comes time for me he cant be bothered...

and yes ive tried talking to him and it goes in one ear and out the other... nothing changes... i see so many pics of girls who got married and i say .. you see they have that spark.. you can tell the love .. but i dont feel that way with us..

what should i do ??? counseling ?? im not sure. im in tears at work...


Edited to say:
we have lived together for 4 years before we got married...
neener1211 Posted:

Re: need help ...long.. using a fake name .. please read

My heart just dropped for you...your new life as newleyweds shouldn't be like this.

I know that you have tried speaking to him, but maybe there is something going on in his head at work, or something that he is not telling you about? Marriage is a big change, and while it is understandable that he may be depressed about not having freedom, it seems like he is going out.

I don't have any real advice for you because I am not in your situation. Does he act this way with his own family members around?

Maybe you can go talk to someone to get their expert advice, just let him know you are going, don't keep it from him. Maybe if he sees that you really believe there is a problem, he will shape up.

So sorry sweetie!!!
LB and DC Posted:

Re: need help ...long.. using a fake name .. please read

i have heard of this happening to newlyweds... sometimes people have different expectations of what will happened once the wedding day is over. it sounds like you have tried to talk to him and he doesn't want to listen, or isn't taking you seriously - so it seems to me like he needs a little jolt. if i were in yours shoes, i would tell him calmy and simply, either we go to counseling or i am going to go myself. even if you don't want to go alone (and i am not saying to threaten him!), he may have no idea that things are THAT BAD in your eyes, and that may be the kick in the pants he needs.

MrsQ-in2007 Posted:

Re: need help ...long.. using a fake name .. please read

I am so sorry to hear this!!! No newleywed wants to feel like her husband is not there for her emotionally or physically! My heart goes out to you and I truly hope that you are able to make him see that he is really hurting you and your relationship in general... and that you are able to find a way to get back to the relationship you had or want.

It seems to me that counseling would be a good way to help in your communication. Whether you find a counselor or priest or someone else, I think this would definitely help.

Mel329 Posted:

Re: need help ...long.. using a fake name .. please read

I am very sorry to hear things are not going well. Were they like this before you got married? Was he always working and had no time for you? If you have tried talking to him and you don't think this has worked, then I would definitely see if he would go to a marriage counselor. Do you see any reason why he is acting like this? Does he say why he is like this? I hope everything works out. I'm sure you will get great advice on here.

carolinebr Posted:

Re: need help ...long.. using a fake name .. please read

They say the first year of marriage is the hardest and I believe that to be true. I don't have much advice except don't give up. Marriage is work. It can't always be perfect. And don't compare yourself to other brides who are seemingly having a 'perfect' marriage. Just concentrate on you.

Pencils Posted:

Re: need help ...long.. using a fake name .. please read

That's terrible. First, have you tried to talk to him about this? In a nice, non-confrontational way? When things are going well for you, not when you're in a fight, you need to go to him and say 'I'm not happy. Here is why.' And then tell him all the things you told us, with specific examples. If he brushes you off, or gets angry, I think you need to look into counseling. Because if you're this unhappy only a few months after the wedding, the marriage isn't going to last.

Your husband might be unhappy too, or he might be depressed, or stressed out for a reason you don't know about. You need to find out ASAP what's going on. If there is no reason, or he refuses to admit to one, then you're going to need counseling to save your marriage.

Good luck.
allisonk Posted:

Re: need help ...long.. using a fake name .. please read

I am so sorry this is happening. How was it before you got married? How was the communication between the 2 of you? Communication is so important in a relationship. You need to sit down with him and talk. Have him make a list of the pros and cons...you do the same. Then you guys need to talk about it. You need to be open with him on how your feeling, and he really needs to do the same. Even though this is killing you inside..reverse the situation..ask him how you can change things to make it better? Maybe he is trying to tell you something, and he just doesnt know how to tell you??
I really hope things work out.

A lot of us are here for you if you needs us....
cookiemonster Posted:

Re: need help ...long.. using a fake name .. please read

I'm so sorry you're going through this just a few months into your marriage. It must be so hard to deal with, especially when you see all these 'expectations' all around you. The one thing that jumped to my mind was, did you 2 live together before you were married? If someone already mentioned this I apologize for being repetitive, but FH and I live together already, and the first few months we did so were a big transition for us, even though we have always had a good relationship. That adjustment takes time, and he may just be feeling weird about the whole thing. I think talking to a neutral third party at a neutral location would do a lot to help him understand how you are feeling and that you take this very, very seriously. Good luck!!!
sassygirl9 Posted:

Re: need help ...long.. using a fake name .. please read

OMG I'm sorry you're going through this. Try counseling. You say you've tried talking to him, maybe trying again, let him know you need to have a serious convo.

HamptonsBride Posted:

Re: need help ...long.. using a fake name .. please read

I'm so sorry you are not happy...how was your relationship when you lived together?

Were you happy and communicating then? If so, then you need to figure out why things have changed.

Do you think that you have changed at all since the wedding in any way? ( I am not trying to place blame or anything...just trying to help you figure out) For example...did you mind if he went out alot before..i have a friend who is pretty much chained to his wife now that they are married...

Do you have alot of financial burdens? Sometimes this can put stress in a relationship...especially for the guy because he feels he needs to provide..

I'd say the best thing is to open the lines of communication with your DH..start out by writing him a letter if that would help, and try not to accuse or blame...but just tell him how you are feeling and why...

And then if that doesn't help consider counseling..even if it is just for yourself...good luck & wish you the best!!
erdbeere Posted:

Re: need help ...long.. using a fake name .. please read

so sorry your going through this!! I can't even imagine how you must feel after only being married a few months. I don't have any advice really, but I can tell you that FH gets like this sometimes. I never saw it before we lived together, but now I do... and its always when something is going bad at work or when he is really busy. And I've noticed that by just giving him his space and letting him veg in front of the tv for a few nights gets him out of his rut pretty fast, but if I nag him about it it just makes things worse ... so have you tried that..just giving him some space for a few days?
JMM7876 Posted:

Re: need help ...long.. using a fake name .. please read

awww...Im so so sorry! That is a horrible feeling I am sure...
I agree with the rest of the girls that say...dont give up! I am sure it is tough time for you....I would def consider counseling if you have tried numerous times to communicate with him. Maybe if he hears that he will realize that you are serious and not just 'nagging' him
It is true..maybe he feels financial burdens of things of that sort...

I wish you the best of luck!
nifheim Posted:

Re: need help ...long.. using a fake name .. please read

I am sorry to hear about your situation but it kinda seems like married life to me or what i expect of married life. I come from a family who comes home from work eats and sleeps only on a weekend every so often is really quality time is spent together. But I would have a issue about sex. I can accept once a week.. maybe once every week anymore there is a issue for me. You need to setup that.

But as everyone says was it like it before the wedding? If not then this is a misreprentation of a relationship in my eyes. I mean as time goes one less and less thought and focus is put into a relationship and its more or less like a routine. You have your wonderful moments but for the most part your focus is on the other things but you still have to bring it together and make each other feel LOVED and wanted at least once and a while. If he is not doing that then the relationship might not work in the end.

Since he is not up to hearing what you have to say then yes do counseling. You may have to put your foot down firmly and say listen to me and work on our relationship otherwise there is a divorce in the future. I mean its not like the biggest failure if things don't work out and you get a divorce. Most americans are doing it so there is no stigma but I realize no one wants to resort to that.

I hope you can find a resolution.
Mich0621 Posted:

Re: need help ...long.. using a fake name .. please read

I'm so sorry sweetie! You should corner him and ask him to be up front about what may be bothering him, because in my experience, closing off is how a lot of men, including my own, deal with a problem. Explain that you want to make things better but cannot if he doesn't open up to you. If this doesn't work, counseling is key! Feel better

PaddysGirl15 Posted:

Re: need help ...long.. using a fake name .. please read

Posted by carolinebr

They say the first year of marriage is the hardest and I believe that to be true. I don't have much advice except don't give up. Marriage is work. It can't always be perfect. And don't compare yourself to other brides who are seemingly having a 'perfect' marriage. Just concentrate on you.



well put- Marriage is an amazing thing- but it is definately work. I think the hardest thing to do is realize that NOTHING comes before your marriage. I would definately speak to a counselour alone first, then together.

I hope it all works out
brady37 Posted:

Re: need help ...long.. using a fake name .. please read

I just want to give you a hug... the rest of the girls pretty much gave the advice I would! If he is not taking you seriously, then you should sit him down, look him in the eyes and flat out tell him 'I am not happy with the way things are in our marriage right now and I want us to go to counseling!' I def think you guys need it. He doesn't seem like the type that will take you seriously, but if he hears it from a professional I think he will come around. Good luck and I pray that everything works out!!!!
Mikeysgirl Posted:

Re: need help ...long.. using a fake name .. please read

Was he like that before you got married? If not, waht do you think made him change?

Nina_m74 Posted:

Re: need help ...long.. using a fake name .. please read

Posted by carolinebr

They say the first year of marriage is the hardest and I believe that to be true. I don't have much advice except don't give up. Marriage is work. It can't always be perfect. And don't compare yourself to other brides who are seemingly having a 'perfect' marriage. Just concentrate on you.



This is so true, marriage is work, it won't always be perfect. My parents have been married for 43 years and even though I always thought my parents had the perfect marriage with no strife or hard times, my mother told me there were some very difficult times especially if something stressful was going on outside the marriage or if they didn't agree on how to handle/dicipline one of the kids.

Don't compare yourself to other couples, you don't know what is really going on inside their marriage.

It does sound like your husband is depressed in someway. Maybe he would agree to go to counseling with you, if not I would still go on your own.

I am so sorry you are experinceing this, but don't give up!

PattyK Posted:

Re: need help ...long.. using a fake name .. please read

I am so sorry to hear that you are going through all of this. The only advice that I can offer is for you to sit down and have a heart to heart talk with him and tell him how you are feeling. I hope that things work out for you. I will keep you in my prayers

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