OK so I need some advice on a touchy subject. I have a BM that has really shirked the whole wedding thing and done nothing with me or for the wedding. Ok, I get that i'm not the center of her universe and she could care less about the wedding stuff.... but, I refuse to buy her a gift on par with what I get my BM's that actually dedicate tons of their time to help me with wedding stuff and planning showers and bachelorette parties and pretty much getting me thru this whole process. I am giving all bridal party gifts at the rehearsal dinner. Some ppl are saying it could be rude to give the girls different gifts and spend different amounts when they will all see what gifts the other girls got. But is it fair to spend the same amount on a person (or people) who do nothing for me and pretty much just cause me more stress? I don't think I'm wrong in doing so, I think I'm being fair. Some girls are pulling their weight and investing so much time into something for me, I feel they should get something REALLY special as opposed to the girl(s) who are pretty much just going to show up the day of. It's been a long road and I've had a good chance to see who has been doing what and who I can go to for help and support.
--Any advice/thoughts would be much appreciated
twinkletoes807
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Re: Need Honest Opinions! --LONG
I agree with you. I would not get a BM that has done nothing at all to help, the same gift as the other BMs that have been there for you. Especially if she has added stress to your life! The gift at the RD is your token of appreciation to whomever you give a gift to. I don't think they all need to be the same. That said, if you give all of your BMs a Coach bag and give this one BM a pencil, there may be an unhappy person to deal with. If you are ready to deal with an attitude, I would say go ahead. If you just don't want to deal with the possible drama, get them all the same gifts. HTH!
LuckiestGirl
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Re: Need Honest Opinions! --LONG
This is a hard situation. Which I am faced with also, my cousin who is my MOH has done everything from planning and paying for my shower alone because no bridemaids would assist her. Then one of my bridesmaids called to tell her financially she couldnt help but she can help if she wants her to cdecorate which is great being that this BM is young and doesnt work. then you have my friend who hasnt done a blessed thing and is so difficult get this she called me to tell me she doesnt like the train that the bm dresses has so she told me and i quote 'I am going to tell my seamstress to cut it off cause i dont like it' So i told her that isnt her decision and if she does she will not be in my wedding she so doesnt deserve anything with all the stress she has caused me. But my mom said i have to give them all the same but my MOH is getting more. . . but all the BM even the B I T C H is getting the same I am thinking of buying something extra and giving it to the others when SHE isnt around. . . .
melissankurt07
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Re: Need Honest Opinions! --LONG
I agree with you. I wouldn't want to give someone who hasn't helped me the same as the ones that have. I would suggest giving the other BM's their 'extra' stuff either before the RD or at another time... just so it is not in front of the one BM. Then at RD they can all open the same stuff. That way nobody gets hurt feelings. Otherwise if you don't care what she thinks then you could just do it at the RD but I personally would think she would get upset and then have an attitude on your wedding day which you would not want either. JMOT
Aug07OFCbride
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Re: Need Honest Opinions! --LONG
to be honest, this is JMO, id get them all the same gift...based on their relationship with you and not what theyve done for you during the process. i know many will disagree w/ me on that but its my personal opinion and how i would handle it myself. i never chose my girls bc i thought theyd do things for me. i chose them bc theyre my best friends and family, so for everything theyve ever done for me in our whole relationship, i gave them gifts of appreciation, not for what they did or didnt do while i was planning my wedding. good luck with all of this though, i can see how it would be tough dealing with some who are no help at all. i just think it may create more of a stink when you start picking out specific girls to do more for. as you said, theyll all see what you do for each of them.
if you really feel strongly about doing this though, i may give the other girls something extra at another time after the wedding or something when you hang out with them alone. and just let them know you appreciate how they went they extra mile to help you.
rfilipofornow
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Re: Need Honest Opinions! --LONG
i agree with jess on this one. i totally understand why you want to give her less, but i think that's just gonna create more drama and i personally wouldn't want to do that the day before my wedding. like jess said, if you want to give the other girls something extra in private, i think that's totally fine, but i wouldn't give them such different things in front of everyone. that's JMO though.
MJDoc12
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Re: Need Honest Opinions! --LONG
maybe i'm a heartless biitch---but i say give her what you think she deserves and give the others a litlte something more. fuk being P.C. and such---if you want to reward the ones who helped you....do it.
i guess i have zero patience for ppl who make my life harder than it needs to be. besides, even if she thinks its 'shady' you gave the others something more---i doubt she'd have the balls to say anything to your face about it. so do what you want and after the wedding, i'm sure you will re-evaluate how much you want this person in your life as a friend
cookiemonster
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Re: Need Honest Opinions! --LONG
I think that you should get them the same gifts for the RD and then get each girl who helped something extra that is unique for them and give it to them at a different time. You don't want to cause unintentional drama right before your wedding or make your other BMs (who you want to give more to) feel awkward.
diva7531
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Re: Need Honest Opinions! --LONG
I agree with you that those that 'do' deserve more, but I would give it to them at a different time either at the wedding, so she doesn't back out at the last minute or cause a scene. GL
LuvMyAlfonse
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Re: Need Honest Opinions! --LONG
Posted by MJDoc12
maybe i'm a heartless biitch---but i say give her what you think she deserves and give the others a litlte something more. fuk being P.C. and such---if you want to reward the ones who helped you....do it.
i guess i have zero patience for ppl who make my life harder than it needs to be. besides, even if she thinks its 'shady' you gave the others something more---i doubt she'd have the balls to say anything to your face about it. so do what you want and after the wedding, i'm sure you will re-evaluate how much you want this person in your life as a friend
I agree - I just hate the idea of tip-toeing around people's feelings.
You don't have to be mean about it, but I'm assuming all the gifts will be wrapped and when you give them out say 'Beth, thank you so much for helping me with the florist, with favors, with my e-party. Thank you for your gift of friendship and love.' For the snotty one, say 'Laura, thank you for sharing our special day with us.'
She'll get the hint but at the same time she'll think to herself, 'wow, Beth really did a lot' and not think that you're snubbing her...
leafgirl
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Re: Need Honest Opinions! --LONG
This may come out harsh but the way I see it was your decision to invite this person into the wedding party and now you just need to chalk it up for what it's worth. There is nothing that you can do now. Most of the times we like to think we invite people who genuinely love us and are happy to spend that day with us. Not only do they hold an important role that day, but they were chosen also as a kind of support system when it might be needed. Some just don't see it as that and can't be bothered. It's unfortunate and it's not until they have their own wedding that they will realize it. I say get her the same gift, it's not going to change the outcome of your friendship with her either way. I think that your disappointment in her alone has changed that... Just relax, it's almost over.
HelenZ
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Re: Need Honest Opinions! --LONG
ok if I were in that situation, then I think I'd still give the same gift, and then just give something extra to the other BM's separately and not at the RD. especially if this girl has a tendency to start drama, do you really need that right before your big day? if you think she's capable of keeping her yap shut about it, then by all means give her what she deserves.
magbride
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Re: Need Honest Opinions! --LONG
Posted by HelenZ
ok if I were in that situation, then I think I'd still give the same gift, and then just give something extra to the other BM's separately and not at the RD. especially if this girl has a tendency to start drama, do you really need that right before your big day? if you think she's capable of keeping her yap shut about it, then by all means give her what she deserves.
This is what I was going to suggest. Give the other girls something extra at a separate time.
Licee15
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Re: Need Honest Opinions! --LONG
I am really sorry, but I am in the same position and feel differently- I personally think they should all get the same thing.....(Because you are then stooping to a level- That I am sure you are much better then) You ask this person to be apart of your bridal party because they are a pretty big part of your life...
I don't expect anything from anyone of my BM's, because they are friends and family...They don't owe me anything - But if they want to help that is a HUGE BONUS for me...Of course I have had BM going above and beyond..and others not so much-Of course I want to do something extra special for the girls who have went above and beyond- But not infront of the other person to hurt them.... ( I feel like if you do it in front of her- you just aren't going to create a good atmosphere and you are going to hurt that person)
If you want to do something extra for the other girls I would do it privately...
JMO and I hope you can understand where I am coming from, because I felt like you too- But I had to put it in perspective ( I am not a spiteful person)...and take everyone's feelings into consideration
CMaria81
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Re: Need Honest Opinions! --LONG
Posted by LuvMyAlfonse
Posted by MJDoc12
maybe i'm a heartless biitch---but i say give her what you think she deserves and give the others a litlte something more. fuk being P.C. and such---if you want to reward the ones who helped you....do it.
i guess i have zero patience for ppl who make my life harder than it needs to be. besides, even if she thinks its 'shady' you gave the others something more---i doubt she'd have the balls to say anything to your face about it. so do what you want and after the wedding, i'm sure you will re-evaluate how much you want this person in your life as a friend
I agree - I just hate the idea of tip-toeing around people's feelings.
You don't have to be mean about it, but I'm assuming all the gifts will be wrapped and when you give them out say 'Beth, thank you so much for helping me with the florist, with favors, with my e-party. Thank you for your gift of friendship and love.' For the snotty one, say 'Laura, thank you for sharing our special day with us.'
She'll get the hint but at the same time she'll think to herself, 'wow, Beth really did a lot' and not think that you're snubbing her...
I agree with this as well. Spot on.
StarryEyedBride
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Re: Need Honest Opinions! --LONG
Thanks girls - I needed that gut check. I have some more food for thought now. It helps so much to get opinons from people not tainted by the situation. It has just been nagging me for some time now and I just had to ask...
CourtandJon
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Re: Need Honest Opinions! --LONG
Posted by magbride
Posted by HelenZ
ok if I were in that situation, then I think I'd still give the same gift, and then just give something extra to the other BM's separately and not at the RD. especially if this girl has a tendency to start drama, do you really need that right before your big day? if you think she's capable of keeping her yap shut about it, then by all means give her what she deserves.
This is what I was going to suggest. Give the other girls something extra at a separate time.
I 100% agree. Def give them something extra... just not in front of this other chick. It's true, you don't want to create drama the night before your big day... and this chick sounds like she could create a whole lotta drama!! Play it safe and buy them all something small and give the other girls the nice gifts in private.
soon2BMrsDee
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Re: Need Honest Opinions! --LONG
Posted by Aug07OFCbride
if you really feel strongly about doing this though, i may give the other girls something extra at another time after the wedding or something when you hang out with them alone. and just let them know you appreciate how they went they extra mile to help you.
this is what my FH and I are doing - before the RD we are presenting her with a gift of gratitude for EVERYTHING she has done for us throughout the wedding planning and life in general... in order to create an uncomfortable situation for her or drama with the other BMs... who knows what they'd do the next day - just to get back... ya know??
