need major advice *long*

i'm a regular on the boards but i don't want to post under my real name cause it's a little embarrassing.

here's my situation. i feel that my FH has a major problem cutting the cord from his family. i feel like when he says 'we' or 'our' he doesn't mean me and him, he means him and his family (mother & sister). about six months ago we were having problems because of his family and i asked him when he was going to be on my side and defend us. his answer was while you're dating and engaged it's different but after we're married. basically he'll defend us after we're married but not a minute sooner.

he also treats things he buys for 'us' as his. one item recently he wanted to give to his older sister. i told him i don't feel that we should cause she can afford to buy one herself and that was bought for us. he gave it to her anyway, regardless of what i said and regardless that the item was ours. i don't have a problem giving, i'm not greedy. but that was expensive and his sister can afford one herself.

another issue is that he owes his mother some $ from years ago that she gave him to open his own business. recently she told him to only give her back half and call the rest even cause she knows we're getting married and will be starting a family. she's now in the process of buying a townhouse, he's giving her the half she asked for as a downpayment and to buy furniture. but he's also going to be kicking in some $ every month cause she can't afford it on her own. so i said last night that in reality she's not gifting us the other half like he said cause he's repaying the full amount. he got mad at me. meanwhile, my father is paying for 1/2 the wedding and his family is giving us nada and somehow in his eyes my father is still the bad guy. go figure.

i just feel like he isn't going to change. he keeps talking about how he's trying to make it about us but then don't you think he should have defended us when his family started problems for us? doesn't he think i should have a say in things that are 'ours'? i feel like he's not going to change and i don't think i can spend the rest of my life with someone who won't take my side or my opinions into consideration when it comes to his family. i don't know what to do and any advice would be much appreciated. i do want to talk to him about it but i don't feel he'll see my side. tia!

After reading this first I think you need some of this
Second, I think you have the answer to your own question... I personally dont think that a person change the moment they get ring or say I do, and for what you explain he is the ultimate mom's boy, I dont want to tell you what to do or not because I dont know your relationship and there is always more than what I can read online... but the only thing I can recomend is to have a talk, a serious talk before the big day and is up to you what to do bbased on his attitude... good luck

Oh boy...this is a big one. First I am very sorry you are going through this. I completely agree with everything you have said. I would flip if FH gave something that was ours to someone else even though I asked him not too. I would also be flipping if my FH was paying for part of his mother's new home. That is insanity. I mean who is the parent here? And how can his mother take that money from him in good conscience? I totally disagree with what he said about he will defend you when you are married. What will change then? Shouldn't he love you just the same now as he will the day after you are married? Aren't you worth defending now just as much as you will be then? This would be a major issue for me and I would just sit him down and say it's time to talk turkey. I would tell him, here are the things you are doing that offend and hurt me. I would tell him that you feel you can't go forward knowing he will never be on your side. I would seriously tell him that you need his support. That a marriage is a team. And I would ask him if he is willing to do that? I am very sorry this is happening to you! If there is anything I can do, please let me know!

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Posted by LnF0405

After reading this first I think you need some of this
Second, I think you have the answer to your own question... I personally dont think that a person change the moment they get ring or say I do, and for what you explain he is the ultimate mom's boy, I dont want to tell you what to do or not because I dont know your relationship and there is always more than what I can read online... but the only thing I can recomend is to have a talk, a serious talk before the big day and is up to you what to do bbased on his attitude... good luck

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that's my biggest fear, that he won't change after the vows are exchanged cause we already live together, what's left to change? and yes, he is a mamma's boy. i wanna talk to him but i don't feel that he sees my side of it. his best friend even spoke to him and he basically got from him that this is who he is. his best friend told him he's going to end up alone with that attitude. thank you for the advice.

If this is a major issue that is bothering you, then before you get married, you really need to sit down with FH and have a serious talk about this. I doubt he will change after marriage.

My FH is in a situation where he is the youngest child, he lives with him mom, his dad is not in the picture. His mom is 65 and can't work bc she hurt her back when she was working. She doesnt make enough to cover the rent and expenses so he pays whatever she can't cover, which is fair bc he does live there. But on the other it's not fair bc he has 3 other siblings who should try to help the mother out as well.

FH is trying to save for the wedding since his fam can't contribute at all and I don't think my parents should pay the bulk of it, but it's hard when he has to pay so many bills on top of him paying for his masters, car, insurance, etc.

I said I hope youre not going to pay all this stuff when we are married bc I refuse to go to work to support your mom, as much as i love her and as much as I want her to have a stable living environment, she has 3 other kids who need to step in and help too....I was so relieved that he agreed with me, he said the 4 of them will spplit whatever she cant cover

I think you just need to be open and honest with him about it, tell him you're not gonna go to work to support his family when you will have your own family to take care of (meaning u, FH and your kids)...Good Luck

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Posted by Jsquared279

Oh boy...this is a big one. First I am very sorry you are going through this. I completely agree with everything you have said. I would flip if FH gave something that was ours to someone else even though I asked him not too. I would also be flipping if my FH was paying for part of his mother's new home. That is insanity. I mean who is the parent here? And how can his mother take that money from him in good conscience? I totally disagree with what he said about he will defend you when you are married. What will change then? Shouldn't he love you just the same now as he will the day after you are married? Aren't you worth defending now just as much as you will be then? This would be a major issue for me and I would just sit him down and say it's time to talk turkey. I would tell him, here are the things you are doing that offend and hurt me. I would tell him that you feel you can't go forward knowing he will never be on your side. I would seriously tell him that you need his support. That a marriage is a team. And I would ask him if he is willing to do that? I am very sorry this is happening to you! If there is anything I can do, please let me know!

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well the paying for the home i'm fine with cause she lent him that $. that's just how his family is. my parents would never expect that from me but that's just how i was raised. my parents would never expect me to repay them for my college tuition. he should love me now the same and he does love me but it's the being on my side thing that he doesn't understand. i think couples therapy is what we need at this point.

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Posted by MaggieLuvsJoe

If this is a major issue that is bothering you, then before you get married, you really need to sit down with FH and have a serious talk about this. I doubt he will change after marriage.

My FH is in a situation where he is the youngest child, he lives with him mom, his dad is not in the picture. His mom is 65 and can't work bc she hurt her back when she was working. She doesnt make enough to cover the rent and expenses so he pays whatever she can't cover, which is fair bc he does live there. But on the other it's not fair bc he has 3 other siblings who should try to help the mother out as well.

FH is trying to save for the wedding since his fam can't contribute at all and I don't think my parents should pay the bulk of it, but it's hard when he has to pay so many bills on top of him paying for his masters, car, insurance, etc.

I said I hope youre not going to pay all this stuff when we are married bc I refuse to go to work to support your mom, as much as i love her and as much as I want her to have a stable living environment, she has 3 other kids who need to step in and help too....I was so relieved that he agreed with me, he said the 4 of them will spplit whatever she cant cover

I think you just need to be open and honest with him about it, tell him you're not gonna go to work to support his family when you will have your own family to take care of (meaning u, FH and your kids)...Good Luck

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that's the other thing, his sister doesn't do a thing for his mother. i understand that parents get old and can't always support themselves, i'm all for helping. but he shouldn't be the only one considering the fact that his sister is old, married and her life is set. she has a family, they should let us start ours.

I am so sorry.... My Fh is a huge mama's boy and we have problems just like this.. Your not alone!!!!! ... You just really need to sit and talk with him or maybe see a counseler.. I'm trying to convince my FH to go to one with me because he has the cord cutting problem too, which causes huge problems between us... I hope everything gets better. And realize that alot of what he does might not be because of him directly, its influenced.... Seeing someone might really help change the issue

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Posted by MrsGarcia

I am so sorry.... My Fh is a huge mama's boy and we have problems just like this.. Your not alone!!!!! ... You just really need to sit and talk with him or maybe see a counseler.. I'm trying to convince my FH to go to one with me because he has the cord cutting problem too, which causes huge problems between us... I hope everything gets better. And realize that alot of what he does might not be because of him directly, its influenced.... Seeing someone might really help change the issue

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FH said he will go to counseling with me, i'm actually getting a recommendation from his friend today. i just don't know if it'll help him cut the cord. i'm hoping it will but you never know. my cousin got divorced 4 months after getting married last year cause his wife kept taking her parents side and he couldn't live like that. i hope things get resolved for you too.

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Posted by cutthecord

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Posted by MrsGarcia

I am so sorry.... My Fh is a huge mama's boy and we have problems just like this.. Your not alone!!!!! ... You just really need to sit and talk with him or maybe see a counseler.. I'm trying to convince my FH to go to one with me because he has the cord cutting problem too, which causes huge problems between us... I hope everything gets better. And realize that alot of what he does might not be because of him directly, its influenced.... Seeing someone might really help change the issue

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FH said he will go to counseling with me, i'm actually getting a recommendation from his friend today. i just don't know if it'll help him cut the cord. i'm hoping it will but you never know. my cousin got divorced 4 months after getting married last year cause his wife kept taking her parents side and he couldn't live like that. i hope things get resolved for you too.

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I hear ya! I get scared too. His family is beyond close and my FH will make comments like 'Your just mad because your family sees eachother like everyother month and we see eachother every other day'.. His parents fgive in to him to much and that feeds into his dependancey problem... Seeing someone will help our FH's to see from our perspective rather then just their own... I wouldn't fear... Its just another bump in the relationship rollercoaster.

SInce we are not able to predict the future it is really hard to say what will happen once you are married. I have afriend who was three years older than me who ended her marriage of two years because she had hoped that after marriage he would change.

However I have also seen from a family member, how he changed after marriage. He was very much a mommys boy, and lived at home for a long time and his wife basically tookhim out of the situation. Now he is very MY WIFE and I and it makes me smile to think that when he made his vow to her, he made it with his heart and was true.

But, Its hard to say what will happen. Now that there is money involved I am not sure how that will pan out. THere are alot of 'what ifs' that can happen and the thought of that alone can kill you.

Have you taken time to literally speak to him about it? Maybe go to a resturant and say 'We need to discuss things and we are not leaving until we have it all figured out.'?

FH and I when we get into an argument, we sit down over a cup of tea and he says what he thinks upset him, I say waht upset me, and we both admit our faults. This is something that my family has never done but this is how his family handles situations. And to be honest, I feel like a better person admiting when I am wrong and seeing where I was wrong... maybe if you discuss it he will come to terms with what is going on?

I hope my ramble made some sense...

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Posted by MrsFazz2B

SInce we are not able to predict the future it is really hard to say what will happen once you are married. I have afriend who was three years older than me who ended her marriage of two years because she had hoped that after marriage he would change.

However I have also seen from a family member, how he changed after marriage. He was very much a mommys boy, and lived at home for a long time and his wife basically tookhim out of the situation. Now he is very MY WIFE and I and it makes me smile to think that when he made his vow to her, he made it with his heart and was true.

But, Its hard to say what will happen. Now that there is money involved I am not sure how that will pan out. THere are alot of 'what ifs' that can happen and the thought of that alone can kill you.

Have you taken time to literally speak to him about it? Maybe go to a resturant and say 'We need to discuss things and we are not leaving until we have it all figured out.'?

FH and I when we get into an argument, we sit down over a cup of tea and he says what he thinks upset him, I say waht upset me, and we both admit our faults. This is something that my family has never done but this is how his family handles situations. And to be honest, I feel like a better person admiting when I am wrong and seeing where I was wrong... maybe if you discuss it he will come to terms with what is going on?

I hope my ramble made some sense...

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we already live together for over 2 years so i don't know what else can actually change after the vows. maybe it's a mental thing for him but can i really bank on that?

i'm not worried about the money. that's his thing with his mom and none of my business in reality. it was a deal they made between them, so be it. we just won't have a joint bank account.

i have tried to talk to him but he just gets upset or mad with me like a child and nothing gets through to him. if he was understanding of the situation maybe it would be different. i just don't think he wants to come to terms with it.

my advice to you is that you really need to think what the real issue is. It doesnt sound like your worried about money, the real problem is that you dont feel he puts you in first place. Ask yourself if he behaves this way in most situations, or if its just this one occasion.

Getting married is not a solution to a problem, and it certainly wont change somebody over night. He should be putting you in first place from the moment he decided he wanted to marry you.

The best thing to do is gather your thoughts and talk to him about your feelings. If you want him to change, avoid past arguments and keep it short. Get straight to the point , and try to stick to one problem thats bothering you.

Dont get all swept up in wedding planning...
Most importantly forgive and forget, this is a stressful time for the both of you, and marriage is about sacrifice. However you have to draw the line somewhere.

Lots of hugs for you girl! We all go through this at one point, I know I have, but you'll get through it!

''''''''''''''''''

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Posted by MrsOrtiz

my advice to you is that you really need to think what the real issue is. It doesnt sound like your worried about money, the real problem is that you dont feel he puts you in first place. Ask yourself if he behaves this way in most situations, or if its just this one occasion.

Getting married is not a solution to a problem, and it certainly wont change somebody over night. He should be putting you in first place from the moment he decided he wanted to marry you.

The best thing to do is gather your thoughts and talk to him about your feelings. If you want him to change, avoid past arguments and keep it short. Get straight to the point , and try to stick to one problem thats bothering you.

Dont get all swept up in wedding planning...
Most importantly forgive and forget, this is a stressful time for the both of you, and marriage is about sacrifice. However you have to draw the line somewhere.

Lots of hugs for you girl! We all go through this at one point, I know I have, but you'll get through it!

''''''''''''''''''

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the problem is that he doesn't put me first. and it's always when it comes down to me or his family. it's hard to avoid past arguments cause he asks for examples or says well when did i act or say this so then i have to tell him. the wedding is the furthest thing from my mind right now cause there might not even be one.

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Posted by cutthecord

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Posted by MrsOrtiz

my advice to you is that you really need to think what the real issue is. It doesnt sound like your worried about money, the real problem is that you dont feel he puts you in first place. Ask yourself if he behaves this way in most situations, or if its just this one occasion.

Getting married is not a solution to a problem, and it certainly wont change somebody over night. He should be putting you in first place from the moment he decided he wanted to marry you.

The best thing to do is gather your thoughts and talk to him about your feelings. If you want him to change, avoid past arguments and keep it short. Get straight to the point , and try to stick to one problem thats bothering you.

Dont get all swept up in wedding planning...
Most importantly forgive and forget, this is a stressful time for the both of you, and marriage is about sacrifice. However you have to draw the line somewhere.

Lots of hugs for you girl! We all go through this at one point, I know I have, but you'll get through it!

''''''''''''''''''

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the problem is that he doesn't put me first. and it's always when it comes down to me or his family. it's hard to avoid past arguments cause he asks for examples or says well when did i act or say this so then i have to tell him. the wedding is the furthest thing from my mind right now cause there might not even be one.

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Well thats what I meant by gathering your thoughts. Men are need hard evidence to be convinced, and even if he thinks your right he might not admit it.
You really have to sit down and think about what your going to say, act like your going to court and need the facts! Just try to be the bigger person and keep cool and calm. Bring up past things in a way that doesnt sound accusatory, you know what I mean? Just try to stay focused one the ONE problem, which is that you deserve to be #1 in his life. Make it about you and him, not about him and his family.
And make sure you tell him all the good things you like about him first , but then bring up this one BIGGIE that you dont like.

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Posted by MrsOrtiz

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Posted by cutthecord

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Posted by MrsOrtiz

my advice to you is that you really need to think what the real issue is. It doesnt sound like your worried about money, the real problem is that you dont feel he puts you in first place. Ask yourself if he behaves this way in most situations, or if its just this one occasion.

Getting married is not a solution to a problem, and it certainly wont change somebody over night. He should be putting you in first place from the moment he decided he wanted to marry you.

The best thing to do is gather your thoughts and talk to him about your feelings. If you want him to change, avoid past arguments and keep it short. Get straight to the point , and try to stick to one problem thats bothering you.

Dont get all swept up in wedding planning...
Most importantly forgive and forget, this is a stressful time for the both of you, and marriage is about sacrifice. However you have to draw the line somewhere.

Lots of hugs for you girl! We all go through this at one point, I know I have, but you'll get through it!

''''''''''''''''''

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the problem is that he doesn't put me first. and it's always when it comes down to me or his family. it's hard to avoid past arguments cause he asks for examples or says well when did i act or say this so then i have to tell him. the wedding is the furthest thing from my mind right now cause there might not even be one.

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Well thats what I meant by gathering your thoughts. Men are need hard evidence to be convinced, and even if he thinks your right he might not admit it.
You really have to sit down and think about what your going to say, act like your going to court and need the facts! Just try to be the bigger person and keep cool and calm. Bring up past things in a way that doesnt sound accusatory, you know what I mean? Just try to stay focused one the ONE problem, which is that you deserve to be #1 in his life. Make it about you and him, not about him and his family.
And make sure you tell him all the good things you like about him first , but then bring up this one BIGGIE that you dont like.

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i guess i'll write everything down first cause if i start talking i might get knocked off course by emotion. he just gets really defensive. i'll take my writing to the therapists office just so i don't forget. thanks!

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Posted by MrsOrtiz

my advice to you is that you really need to think what the real issue is. It doesnt sound like your worried about money, the real problem is that you dont feel he puts you in first place. Ask yourself if he behaves this way in most situations, or if its just this one occasion.

Getting married is not a solution to a problem, and it certainly wont change somebody over night. He should be putting you in first place from the moment he decided he wanted to marry you.

The best thing to do is gather your thoughts and talk to him about your feelings. If you want him to change, avoid past arguments and keep it short. Get straight to the point , and try to stick to one problem thats bothering you.

Dont get all swept up in wedding planning...
Most importantly forgive and forget, this is a stressful time for the both of you, and marriage is about sacrifice. However you have to draw the line somewhere.

Lots of hugs for you girl! We all go through this at one point, I know I have, but you'll get through it!

''''''''''''''''''

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ITA! This is great advice!

Maybe you guys should see a counselor before getting married and see if you can work it out. He's gonna not have your back one hour and the next hour after you say your vows he will? It sounds like he's just paying you lip service and he'll be exactly the same after you're married.

I totally agree that you should NOT marry someone who is never on your side or sticks up for you. If his family is causing problems, it doesn't matter if you're engaged or married (which to me is basically the same thing!), he should stick up for you and have your back. Especially with the thing he gave his sister, even after you told him you didn't want to give it to her, I would be FURIOUS.

I recently had something just like this with my FH and I basically said if you don't stick up for me and respect my feelings as your wife, then I'm not marrying you.

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Posted by abrennan01

Maybe you guys should see a counselor before getting married and see if you can work it out. He's gonna not have your back one hour and the next hour after you say your vows he will? It sounds like he's just paying you lip service and he'll be exactly the same after you're married.

I totally agree that you should NOT marry someone who is never on your side or sticks up for you. If his family is causing problems, it doesn't matter if you're engaged or married (which to me is basically the same thing!), he should stick up for you and have your back. Especially with the thing he gave his sister, even after you told him you didn't want to give it to her, I would be FURIOUS.

I recently had something just like this with my FH and I basically said if you don't stick up for me and respect my feelings as your wife, then I'm not marrying you.

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we're going to see a counselor, i'm getting a recommendation from a friend later today. i also think he's giving me lip service but you never know. he might need the vows to know this is real and maybe something will click in his head. you're right, he should be sticking up for me now, we've been living together for over 2 years now.

I was in a relationship for 5 1/2 years where this was a CONSTANT problem. Ultimately I ended the relationship. Once in a while I will run into him and he has told me since that now he sees where it all went wrong and actually thanked me for helping to open his eyes. Obviously, I don't know how much he has really changed because I am no longer involved, but I thought it was very big that he realized what I had been saying all along because when we were together he never got it. So, the good news is, maybe people do realize things ultimately. The bad news is, this took a lot of years and, like I said, I can't vouch for how much he really has changed. Either way, it's definitely not going to be overnight.

I had one other thought about the whole 'after we're married it will be different' thing. I don't know if I buy my own thought, but maybe after you're officially married he will feel more justified in standing up for you because he can say 'she is my family now'? I definitely would not go into the marriage with my fingers crossed that this is the case, but just another thought.

I know how hard it is to talk to someone like this, so ultimately, you have to go with your gut. If you think you're always going to be #2, then you have to get out, but if your gut tells you it'll be ok, then go with that. Unfortunately, the fact that you're posting this makes me think your gut is telling you to get out.

I'm so sorry you're going through this.