Need serious advice....thinking of calling off wedding

Re: Need serious advice....thinking of calling off wedding

I am so sorry he is putting you through this but I am sure you are happy to have found out sooner than later. I think you have alot to sort out in your own mind first then deal with him. A postponment (sp?) is probably in order. Best of luck and we are all here if you need to vent.

Re: Need serious advice....thinking of calling off wedding

wow...i wish you so much luck with this decision. it is a hard decision to make and it needs to be one that is thought out rationally by both you and your fh. he is taking for granted what you are about as a couple, which is trust and compassion. those are not things that are to be taken lightly and as an adult who is about to be married, he should know that. until he does, wait on marriage...you may be ready but he obviously is not. he may never be ready, but the sooner you know that, the better off you are. Good Luck!

Re: Need serious advice....thinking of calling off wedding

I agree with the other ladies... postpone at the very least... From personal experience, 'once a cheater, always a cheater', that is the motto I live by. You can't change someone in my opinion, especially the older they get. I'm sorry you are going through this, I know how hard it is but you will make the right decision in the end and whatever that decision is, it will be for the best. Good luck.

Re: Need serious advice....thinking of calling off wedding

Best of luck hunny!!!!

I don't know what I would do but I do know this. 2 months into FH and I dating, I posted on a match site and I opened an email in front of him that read 'In response to your listing on match.com. He was hurt and I am sure he still is. We don't talk about it and I forgot about it until this came up. In all honesty, and I am woman and I don't consider myself immature in the least...but I truly did it for a laugh....just to see. I Never Ever would have pursued anything.
He did cheat once before though so it is a bit harder for you and you are engaged. I am not defending my circumstance I am just saying that from experience, you can get through this, it is going to be harder than my case but I am sure you can.

Only you know if it is worth it. If you doubt your relationship even a little...don't do it. At least not right away!!!

Good Luck and Please FM me if you need anything!!!!!

Re: Need serious advice....thinking of calling off wedding

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Posted by FLaCaTaCa
Only you know if it is worth it. If you doubt your relationship even a little...don't do it. At least not right away!!!

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good advice...tough situation...

Re: Need serious advice....thinking of calling off wedding

I feel so bad for you. This is a terrible situation. This is what I think: If you think you love this person and you want to be with him than you should at least postpone the wedding indefinitely and start going to counseling. If you don't think you love him anymore than cancel the wedding and tell him to find someplace else to live as soon as possible.

Trust is an important thing. The first time my fiance and I started 'seeing each other' after the 1st month I found out he was still seeing an ex of his that he had been pretty serious about. Obviously we weren't exclusively dating, but I still felt disrespected. We broke up and didn't speak for several months. Long story short we got back together later on, when we were both looking for a real, commited relationship and the first thing we had to clear up was my mistrust of him. I agreed to trust him and he agreed to be upfront about everything. We are totally committed and haven't had a problem - if he ever did something like that again though it would have been really bad. I feel terrible for you and I hope this all works out.

Re: Need serious advice....thinking of calling off wedding

I agree... definitely postpone. I've been through a very similar experience... I fell totally head over heels in love with someone who just wasn't good for me, and I stayed with him for 4 years... over and over again he would do little immature things like that... I would find out he was emailing ex girlfriends and flirting with them, setting up plans, etc. It got so bad that one night some strange girl showed up at our front door looking for him... I never really wanted to beleive he was cheating on me, and he always said all the right things to me to make me feel better... but looking back, he was who he was, and there was nothing I could do to change that... I now know he was cheating on me the whole time, and I think deep down I knew it, I just didn't want to face the fact at the time... I think he just had this irresistable, selfish need for attention from women.. it was the hardest thing I ever had to do to break up with him, because despite all the immaturity, there were parts of him that were so compassionate and sweet... but after a few months, the rose colored glasses totally wore off, and I saw him for who he really was... moved on, and met my FH... and now that I've met my FH, I can REALLY see what a total and complete jerk the ex was... don't make a mistake just because the wedding is close... postpone and take as much time as you need to really think this one through... you really do deserve someone who is 100% committed to you and would NEVER dream of doing something like that...

Re: Need serious advice....thinking of calling off wedding

Trust your gut! Walking away will probably be one of the hardest things you'll do in your life but it's the rest of your life you are talking about and the absolute best thing! That feeling in your stomach will not go away until you move on! There's a reason that feeling is there - you are obviously a smart woman and deep down you know things you are not letting yourself acknowledge outright....Best of luck to you and
Lots of to you!

Re: Need serious advice....thinking of calling off wedding

Ditto ... trust your gut. I walked away from a long term relationship a few years ago and, although it was really hard because all of my friends had gotten married during the same year, it was the right thing to do. You're too young to settle for something less than you deserve. Good luck and be tough.

Re: Need serious advice....thinking of calling off wedding

Re: Need serious advice....thinking of calling off wedding

I agree with Matt'sbride 100%. You must follow your instincts, I would run the other direction as far away from him as possible.
JMO but I would never trust that cheating SOB again. Call it off!!!

Re: Need serious advice....thinking of calling off wedding

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Posted by TroubledB2B

I've often read your advice to other B2B's in turmoil and since I feel like I can't discuss this with my friends or family, I figured what the heck?

FH cheated on me when we were dating for 5 months, I found out when we were dating for 9. It took some time to hash things out, we never broke up but I never fully trusted him again until we got engaged. I made going out for him really tough by questioning where he was going, who is was going to be with and having him call to check in often. He understood why I did this and obliged without complaint. I truly felt that when we got engaged it was a turning point in our relationship, that there were no more trust issues, we were about to plan the rest of our lives together.

Lately I've been feeling uneasy like something wasn't quite right. I didn't think he was out there cheating (since we live together it would be more difficult than the first time) but still I felt a pit in my stomach. Two nights ago I found out that he had posted a personal ad on a, let's say non-reputable, web-site. He used all his actual attributes, height, eye color, hair color and even created an e-mail address for interested parties to contact him. I was completely and utterly devastated and in such shock I couldn't even shed a tear. I had to wait another 45 minutes for him to come home to confront him. I left what I had found on the computer screen for him to see and just crawled into bed. He saw it and came into the bedroom and I could not even look at him, it hurt too much. He tried to offer an explaination but I told him that I did not want to hear it because there is no explaination for this and that I cannot marry a man that I do not trust and I do not trust him. This made him begin to tell me how important I am to him, how I changed his life, how he never imagined he would find someone like me to spend the rest of his life with. But all I could ask is 'then why??' Why do something like this? He swears that he was not looking for someone else, that it was a stupid, immature thing that one of his other friends did and they thought it would be funny to see the responses they got. I do not find any humor in this, I think it is deceitful, disrepectful and hurtful!

We haven't slept in the same bed for two nights now and yesterday evening we stayed in separate rooms. He tried initiate conversation, but I was still to angry to answer at all. I try to focus at work to keep my mind off it but I just feel like crying at my desk and have to go to the ladies room to hide for a few minutes. I just keep asking myself what's wrong with me? What did I do wrong? The rational side of me knows it's not me. I just don't know what to do and the wedding isn't too far off.

Thanks for listening....sorry so long!

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I know it is very, very hard........to deal with a cheater especially when it is your fh...... .

I think, this is a sign from GOD NOt to marry him.

Let me tell you something...If you don't get married...you won't be the first person to call off a wedding --nor the last-----in history...

U get what I saying. You have to do You.

No one has to suffer, life is too short.

Good Luck

Re: Need serious advice....thinking of calling off wedding

How terrible that you have to go through this.....I agree with everyone else - either postopone or call off the wedding.
What's that saying? Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me.....don't let him hurt you any longer. You don't deserve to be treated like this - and you should only spend you rlife with someone who is willing to treat you with kindness, love and respect.
Good luck!

Re: Need serious advice....thinking of calling off wedding

Re: Need serious advice....thinking of calling off wedding

I'm so sorry you are going through this! Just remember this is NOT your fault. It's so easy to blame yourself but you did nothing wrong here. I have to agree with everyone else, it sounds like you should definitely postpone the wedding...if not look at canceling it. I hate to have to say that. I was with my ex for two and a half years & he cheated early on when I was away for a month. I put it off as we weren't that serious & if I was gone that long it was ok. The truth was it wasn't. I never trusted him 100% again & the lack of trust is what finally ruined the relationship.

Without trust the relationship just falls apart. IMO, no matter how hard we tried to talk through it & work through it to 'put it behind us' we couldn't. His best friend & I found him flirting with his coworkers & I tried again to make it work - being as it was 2 years in & this was 'just flirting'. It didn't work, it just ate away at me even more.

I can't tell you what to do because the truth is you have to be comfortable with your decision. I tried to leave him once at the 1 year mark b/c everyone else told me to. They were right but I ended up right back with him b/c I wasn't ready. I had to hit my bottom before I could be brave enough to walk away. It takes a lot to go back to being single.

It's ok to cancel it, no matter what anyone says or the money involved. Your happiness & future is at steak. It's never easy to leave relationship but you always have everyone here for support!!!!!

FM if you need to talk!

Re: Need serious advice....thinking of calling off wedding

might i ask what website it was? it wasn't friendster i'm assuming which i'm actually on.. listed as in a relationship. i'm just making sure it was a singles website .. if it was then:

there is no excuse on his part. you were very brave to give him a second chance but he blew it- especially at this stage in your relationship. this is supposed to be such a happy time in your relationship, everything is still new, fresh neither of you is having a midlife. there is no excuse for him on this one. he obviously has some issues but keep in mind counsling won't make him change- he has to do that. it also sounded to me like you got engaged things got better? this could be an illusion- maybe you were just so happy about being engaged that you overlooked some underlying issues.
Just keep in mind that you do not control his actions he does. You certainly are not the cause of them. He is obviously not ready for a comitted relationship and may never be. Some people are like that. But is that what you want? I believe that when you get married you should marry someone that you trust completely. If you can't trust him completely then how can he be your life partner? I went to Pre Cana the other day and they said something that really made sense to me.. a marraige is not 50/50 its 100/100. You both have to give it your all for it to work. He has proven that he will not give it 100%.
i would also suggest that maybe you speak to a counciler- not because there is anything wrong with you but to help you get through this tough time. i've been to one before and they really help.
i really think you need to live him. this is not something you can fix. you can't change him. you should leave him now before it ends in divorce.
i'm so sorry this happended to you..

Re: Need serious advice....thinking of calling off wedding

I am so sorry you're going through this, but I have to honestly tell you, I would either kick him out or move out of where the two of you are presently living. No matter how much he may love you, for some reason he can't control himself when it comes to other women, and you should not deal with that b/s. I don't know how long you've been together or how inot the planning process you are, but your probably feeling guilty for potentially calling things off, losing $ and disappointing family. All of that means nothing. You need to do what's best for you in the long run. The money can be made back and your family and friends will support whatever decision you make. Be strong and end things. I don't mean to hurt you, but I don't think things can be fixed. The trust is gone and you need to end things. JMHO

Re: Need serious advice....thinking of calling off wedding

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Posted by brooklynbridezilla



I agree with the other girls, better to call off an engagement than get a divorce.

Rebecca

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Agreed. I also agree that if you want to try to work things out you should go to couseling. Trust is the foundation of any relationship - your marriage cannot survive without it.

Good luck, I ll pray for you

Re: Need serious advice....thinking of calling off wedding

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Posted by cocoa

wow...i wish you so much luck with this decision. it is a hard decision to make and it needs to be one that is thought out rationally by both you and your fh. he is taking for granted what you are about as a couple, which is trust and compassion. those are not things that are to be taken lightly and as an adult who is about to be married, he should know that. until he does, wait on marriage...you may be ready but he obviously is not. he may never be ready, but the sooner you know that, the better off you are. Good Luck!

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i totally agree

Re: Need serious advice....thinking of calling off wedding