Need serious advice....thinking of calling off wedding

I've often read your advice to other B2B's in turmoil and since I feel like I can't discuss this with my friends or family, I figured what the heck?

FH cheated on me when we were dating for 5 months, I found out when we were dating for 9. It took some time to hash things out, we never broke up but I never fully trusted him again until we got engaged. I made going out for him really tough by questioning where he was going, who is was going to be with and having him call to check in often. He understood why I did this and obliged without complaint. I truly felt that when we got engaged it was a turning point in our relationship, that there were no more trust issues, we were about to plan the rest of our lives together.

Lately I've been feeling uneasy like something wasn't quite right. I didn't think he was out there cheating (since we live together it would be more difficult than the first time) but still I felt a pit in my stomach. Two nights ago I found out that he had posted a personal ad on a, let's say non-reputable, web-site. He used all his actual attributes, height, eye color, hair color and even created an e-mail address for interested parties to contact him. I was completely and utterly devastated and in such shock I couldn't even shed a tear. I had to wait another 45 minutes for him to come home to confront him. I left what I had found on the computer screen for him to see and just crawled into bed. He saw it and came into the bedroom and I could not even look at him, it hurt too much. He tried to offer an explaination but I told him that I did not want to hear it because there is no explaination for this and that I cannot marry a man that I do not trust and I do not trust him. This made him begin to tell me how important I am to him, how I changed his life, how he never imagined he would find someone like me to spend the rest of his life with. But all I could ask is 'then why??' Why do something like this? He swears that he was not looking for someone else, that it was a stupid, immature thing that one of his other friends did and they thought it would be funny to see the responses they got. I do not find any humor in this, I think it is deceitful, disrepectful and hurtful!

We haven't slept in the same bed for two nights now and yesterday evening we stayed in separate rooms. He tried initiate conversation, but I was still to angry to answer at all. I try to focus at work to keep my mind off it but I just feel like crying at my desk and have to go to the ladies room to hide for a few minutes. I just keep asking myself what's wrong with me? What did I do wrong? The rational side of me knows it's not me. I just don't know what to do and the wedding isn't too far off.

Thanks for listening....sorry so long!

So sorry that you are going through this. If I was you, I would definately postpone if not cancel the wedding. You both have a lot to work out before rushing into marriage. You can try speaking to a counselor. Personally, if it was me, I don't think I would ever be able to forgive him. He used his actually eye, hair color. If they just wanted to see responses as a joke then why did he use his real attributes? I just don't think I would be able to trust him again especially since he cheated before. That is just me though. Try to speak to a counselor. I wish you the best!

I am so sorry you are dealing with this. I was in a realtionship like this for 5 years where I didn't trust him and he did things behind my back on a regular basis.

This is all up to you...really. How old is your FH? How long have you been together? I would think a mid-20 something would be beyond doing an 'immature' thing like this just 'to see' what responses he and his friend got. Again....at any age when you've asked someone to marry you, an act like this is beyond immature. Immature for this age or commitment level is something like getting overly drunk, obsessing over Victoria's Secret models, playing video games (not really immature...but child-like??). Does this even make sense (I'm not sure if my point is coming across as I type...)

I'd seriously consider some professional help..by yourself and maybe with him. The fact that your 'gut feeling' told you something was wrong should tell you something. Trust is HUGE and even if you work past a trust issue like you did in your early relationship, I'm not sure if that trust is ever really the same before the betrayal.

Why can't you consult your friends or family? Has this happened before?

I'd love to help more, FM me if you need to. Best of luck....I hope you make the right decision for you....you deserve to be happy and in a healthy, loving relationship!!!

Wow.... I don't have much advice to offer, but the fact that you don't trust him isn't someone you should be marrying....have you started pre-cana classes? Some priests can almost me like therapists....try to remember why you accepted his proposal, and if that reason outways your reasons for not wanting to pursue this marriage, then you have answered your question...best of luck to you...

BTW: how long were you dating b4 you got engaged? Perhaps it was too soon?

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Posted by julz33

So sorry that you are going through this. If I was you, I would definately postpone if not cancel the wedding. You both have a lot to work out before rushing into marriage. You can try speaking to a counselor. Personally, if it was me, I don't think I would ever be able to forgive him. He used his actually eye, hair color. If they just wanted to see responses as a joke then why did he use his real attributes? I just don't think I would be able to trust him again especially since he cheated before. That is just me though. Try to speak to a counselor. I wish you the best!

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I completetely agree with what Jules said! You have to trust your gut instinct. I think you know deep down what's really going on. I believe in 'woman's intuition' Usually it's right.....
You can't marry someone you don't trust. It will only eat away at your marriage and end up in a painful divorce. Can you imagine feeling this way for the REST OF YOUR MARRIED LIFE??? I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy.
BE STRONG.....and cancel, if not POSTPONE this wedding...and DO SOMETHING proactive to resolve these trust issues......ONCE AND FOR ALL.
good luck....

I am so sorry that you are hurting. You are totally on-target to think that what he did was hurtful and totally unacceptable. If you're unsure, do not go ahead with wedding with feelings of serious doubts. This is the rest of your life and you deserve someone who will respect you and you can love and trust unconditionally. I think the ideas of postponing and going for counseling are probably your very best bets in the long-run, even if they seem difficult in the short-run. Good luck and again, I'm so sorry.

I'm sorry that you are dealing with this! However, it is certainly better to break off an engagement then to get a divorce. I agree with julz - either break it off completely or seek some counseling but definitely postpone it if it's coming up soon as you say it is.

Wow, thats a bad situation. I agree with the other girls, better to call off an engagement than get a divorce.

I am so sorry you are hurting...

Rebecca

Im so very sorry that this is happening to you!!! Without knowing either of you..I would say to definately post pone this wedding.He does not sound trust worthy and his actions are not that of an engaged man. I know it is hard, extra hard when you already live together and you love him..but perhaps he needs some counseling, I dont doubt that he loves you..but the need to look elsewhere is a problem many guys have and thats how cheating happens ina marriage, that need usually stems from a deep insecurity within the man and he could maybe work on that in counseling,understand why he cheats, or felt the need to post on a dating web site. But he can do all teh work he needs to in counseling, he could realize hes a changed man..but then it's up to you...can you trust him for the rest of your life? Can you be happy, or will you always be questioning his every move? there are TOOOOOOO many great guys out there to put up with a selfish cheating man...Only you know whats best for YOU..but I would definately post pone that wedding until you are sure. Peopl dont have to know whats going on..you could say financially you cant afford it right now and need more tiem to save...and then if you feel like getting out..get out and dont look back!!! Again..Im sorry this is happening ...I know its hard...so take care of yourself and do whats best for YOU!!!!

SOunds like he is a jerk. Sorry for being blunt but you SHOULDN'T trust him in my opinion!!! I think you should call it off.

I am so sorry to hear this.
Definitely don't even for one second think that this is your problem or your fault in any way. Clearly this is just the way he is.

If you think you will ever be able to trust him after counselling, then postpone the wedding.

If you will never be able to trust him again, I would call it off.

If it were me, I wouldn't be able to trust him ever again. He betrayed your trust once and you were forgiving enough to give him a second chance. Because of this, he should be especially open with you. If it were a joke, he should have said, 'hey hon, check this out, look what I did.' Since he didn't disclose this openly, and you found out on your own, I would be suspicious.

Your life is too short to always be worrying if he is where he says he is or if he is cheating or actively looking for someone else. You deserve better than that.

I just don't believe the right person would put you through all this. JMO.

Whatever you decide, good luck!

Before you do anything, go to couples therapy. If you really love him and want to work things out than postpone the wedding a couple of months and get yourselves to couples counseling. There may be and underlying problem that you dont know of. But if your gut is telling you this is all wrong, then follow your true feelings and just walk away. Make that choice for your well being, not his. Good luck, and we are here if you need us!!

I agree with the other girls - you have every right to feel betrayed so please don't doubt yourself for one second. No one should have to live with that worry for any amount of time in their life, let alone the rest of it. This is supposed to be the happiest time in your life - don't accept anything less. Personally, I would cancel it but if you don't feel you can handle that right now, at least postpone it. Just keep in mind that this may not be the last chance you give him if he already has a history of this. Do you really want that for yourself?

Best of luck to you! I truly hope everything works out ok for you.

WOW i feel like i wrote that! That is EXACTLY what happened to me years ago with my ex fiance. I found in the cookies that he was posting personal ads, claimed it was a joke. Sorry, it was no joke. If it was a joke, let me in on it. His marital status was 'involved, but looking' or soemthing like that.

Needless to say he finally said he didn't want to get married, which was fine because i didn't want him anymore. I was totally disgusted and betrayed. I later tested him and sent him a message through the personals to meet, and he wrote back and wanted to meet. that was the nail on the coffin.

I am 1000% better off without him. He was no good for me and my current fiance is the man of my dreams. I say run for the hills, something better will come along. You don't deserve that!!!
JMO!!!

I agree with what everyone is saying...It is a hard situation unless you have been in it before...I know how it is to be cheated on...My ex did it to me, we broke it off & then got back together...After 2 years, i realized that if I stayed with him for the rest of my life, it would haunt me...

You have to remember that you did not cause this...Apparently this guy is not mature enough to handle being with one person...You were very nice & forgiving to give him a second chance...Some people will not do that...If he posted his personal ad on a website & it was a joke, I agree that you would say, hey look what i am doing...The fact that it was a secret would really bother me

You are suppose to be able to share everything with each other...The first thing in a marriage is TRUST...If you don't have that now, then you will regret it...Before you start a life together & possibly down the road, bring a baby into this world, think of yourself & your well-being...You have been feeling like there was something wrong...

My honest feeling is that you need to think if you are willing to give him a 3rd shot...You are hurting now & that hurt never goes away...You have to be happy with your decision & no one else can make that but you We are all here for advice, but you are the one to live in this situation! Pospone the wedding for now & see how it goes...Anyone that does this is not ready for a marriage JMO

If you need to talk FM me...We are all here for you!

I am so sorry this is happening to you. I cannot even begin to imagine what you are going through. I think it might be in your best interest to call off the engagement. I think there is a lot that needs to be worked out before you get married. I'll be thinking of you.

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Posted by julz33

So sorry that you are going through this. If I was you, I would definately postpone if not cancel the wedding. You both have a lot to work out before rushing into marriage. You can try speaking to a counselor. Personally, if it was me, I don't think I would ever be able to forgive him. He used his actually eye, hair color. If they just wanted to see responses as a joke then why did he use his real attributes? I just don't think I would be able to trust him again especially since he cheated before. That is just me though. Try to speak to a counselor. I wish you the best!

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I agree