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Need to vent - As a bride how would you feel about this???

AJsMommy122 Posted:

Need to vent - As a bride how would you feel about this???

My sil is getting married in a few months. She asked me as soon as she got engaged if my son could be her RB. We said that was fine and everything was great.

Now all of a sudden this week she tells us that instead of the 20 min. ceremony she was supposed to have they have decided to do a full mass instead.
When I got married my son was my RB, my ceremony was only 20 min and my son could barely sit still for that. He was running back and forth between the pews.
There is NO WAY in heck that he will be able to sit still in church for over an hour without screaming/crying/running around.

So last night we told her that we didn't think it was a good idea for him to be her RB. He is still a little too young ( only 2) and its not fair to him or to us. For one he will NOT walk down the aisle alone. She wants myself and DH to escort him... ummm niether of us are in the bridal party!!. Second since he wont sit still we will most definitly have to get up in the middle of the ceremony and walk out. That means that we miss most the ceremony and our poor son is going to get stuffed in a tux to MAYBE walk down the aisle and then go home????

Well the bride threw a complete fit and almost started crying. She kept saying ' Oh well you obviously dont want him to be my RB' over and over. I tried to explain that that is not the case. She said well you told me almost a year ago it was fine and all of a sudden you changed your minds. I told her we had no problem with it until she told us she was having a full mass.
But I have to do what is best for my son and for us. She then said 'well put him in the tux let him walk down the aisle and then walk out and take him to maxine's mothers house' Hello?!?!?! How rude is that?? and its not like we can drop him off and run... we might not even make it back for the rest of the ceremony.
I think she is being selfish for not understanding our situation.
Would you be really mad or unserstand??
Mrs_B Posted:

Re: Need to vent - As a bride how would you feel about this???

i can understand why she would feel disappointed BUT she needs to leave it at that. having a fit is uncalled for. this is your son and you can decide whatever you want. you are basically telling her that you think its in everyones best interests for him to not be in the BP yet shes going to have a fit about it. you are allowed to change your mind, especially given the reasons why you feel the way you feel about it. shes totally overreacting about this. maybe she will wake up and realize that you arent doing this to hurt her but rather to help her. its her wedding day and you are basically telling her that your own son might not act in the best fashion, she should be thankful you are telling her this and making this decision! good luck!
aok2000 Posted:

Re: Need to vent - As a bride how would you feel about this???

I would totally understand. My neice is in my wedding, and while she is older, my brother had voiced some concern over her sitting in the church for an hour. I told him that it was totally up to him. I would miss having her there, but I would rather her stay home, where she would rather be, then have her, my brother and the rest of us all worried about what she will do. I think your SIL is being a little selfish in that she is only thinking about what she wants. Plus, nothing personal against kids, but I think, as a bride, she would want the attention on her, not on the little ones running around the pews.

JPC1125 Posted:

Re: Need to vent - As a bride how would you feel about this???

even though most people feel obligated when asked, remember! you completely have the right to say no when asked to be in a bridal party

since your son cant do it himself, you take on that resposnsibility

and even though you previously said yes, the terms of that agreement has changed.

stick with your no and have your son stay with a babysitter or your parents. you shouldnt have to suffer at their wedding just so they have a ring bearer

let them have the best man carry the rings instead
Mrs_B Posted:

Re: Need to vent - As a bride how would you feel about this???

Maxine...

If she continues to go on and on about it, I say let him do it... just make sure you feed him EVERYTHING that makes his diaper smell the worst right before the ceremony and in the next few months teach him how to open his own diaper
lrs2005 Posted:

Re: Need to vent - As a bride how would you feel about this???

When I was a little over 2 years of age I was my aunt's flower girl (1980). Apparently I slid up and down the stairs while the entire ceremony was taking place and instead of everyone focusing on her and her DH, everyone focused on me as a 2 year old going up and down the stairs all of two times until a BM noticed and sat with me on the steps. Well - I am 27 she still cannot get over how I 'ruined' her wedding so many years ago. She brought this up again because we are getting married. Please save your self a life time of pain in the a** with your SIL and do what is good for you and your child.
Good luck
takeoutcook Posted:

Re: Need to vent - As a bride how would you feel about this???

I think you're completely right. I think your FSIL is thinking more of the photo opportunity of having a ring bearer, rather than the real life consequences of having a two year old in a church for an hour. (Does that sound harsh? I'm sorry!)

Mrs. dleeny Posted:

Re: Need to vent - As a bride how would you feel about this???

IMO, she is seeing it as 'her day her way'... even now with the change she has made re: a full Mass.

I hope that once the 'dust settles', she will realize the consequence of having a 2 yr old in a church for an hour and how difficult it can be.

I've been to so many weddings where even for a 20-minute ceremony the kids get unruly.

I hope it all works out for you.
N.Y.bride Posted:

Re: Need to vent - As a bride how would you feel about this???

I would be upset if I was you. My son was a RB at 3 and it was NOT easy. It was embarrassing really. He was throwing the petals from the girls baskets b/c they werent doing it so they started to cry... We had to go get him and bring him to the pews and then he did NOT want to sit still. He was a guest at 2 weddings and was horrible sitting still during a church mass. He is a good kid, but that is SOOO boring for them. I dont blame you at all. If these ceremonies were 20 minutes Im sure he would have done much better. Good Luck!

AJsMommy122 Posted:

Re: Need to vent - As a bride how would you feel about this???

Posted by takeoutcook

I think you're completely right. I think your FSIL is thinking more of the photo opportunity of having a ring bearer, rather than the real life consequences of having a two year old in a church for an hour. (Does that sound harsh? I'm sorry!)



Not harsh at all!!!! That is EXACTLY what I wanted to say but was afraid to!!!! As the bride I know you dont even see the RB walk down the aisle or even care if he does or dosent at that moment. I told DH last night I really think its more for the pictures and to say that her nephew was her RB then anything else.

Im glad so many people agreed with me!! I thought I was being unsensitive and horrible for feeling this way!!
DMcK Posted:

Re: Need to vent - As a bride how would you feel about this???

I think you are totally justified and being that you are his mother, you know what is best for him. Your FSIL changed the mass, and he cannot be expected to behave like anything but a 2 y/o boy. I know it's her wedding but she still has to understand that she is dealing with a young child!

aidamarie Posted:

Re: Need to vent - As a bride how would you feel about this???

Posted by Future_Mrs_B

Maxine...

If she continues to go on and on about it, I say let him do it... just make sure you feed him EVERYTHING that makes his diaper smell the worst right before the ceremony and in the next few months teach him how to open his own diaper




adioguardi Posted:

Re: Need to vent - As a bride how would you feel about this???

Oh come on guys - be fair to the new bride. Her wedding is a few months away and one of her plans got trashed. She has a right to be upset. I'm not saying that Soon2BMsZ should keep her son in the BP if she doesn't want to, I totally agree with her that the hour in the church will be way too much for a two year old, but she should understand that she let her fsil down - let her have her vent.

lilacwine Posted:

Re: Need to vent - As a bride how would you feel about this???

Posted by adioguardi

Oh come on guys - be fair to the new bride. Her wedding is a few months away and one of her plans got trashed. She has a right to be upset. I'm not saying that Soon2BMsZ should keep her son in the BP if she doesn't want to, I totally agree with her that the hour in the church will be way too much for a two year old, but she should understand that she let her fsil down - let her have her vent.


Exactly. Would the responses have been different if the post was worded like this:

grrrrr.....I can't believe my new FSIL. As soon as we got engaged (over a year ago), I asked if her son could be the RB. She said yes, and he'd even be an experienced RB, since he was in her own wedding earlier this year. (He did a great job!)

Yesterday, when we told them that we decided to have a full mass instead of a ceremony (it's only an extra 15-20 minutes), FSIL decides she doesn't want her son to be the RB anymore! I'm stunned! She says that he won't behave in church for a full mass. It's only 20 minutes longer than a ceremony -- I don't understand why she can't bring something to occupy him (cheerios or a quiet toy) or just take him out of the church if he turns out to be really bad.

FH and I were really looking forward to having our nephew as the RB. I'm so upset. We already bought him an adorable ring pillow and a bunch of other things, too.
Marisa M Posted:

Re: Need to vent - As a bride how would you feel about this???

I can understand her disappointment, but I think SHE needs to understand your son is only 2 years old. - Even the MOST well behaved 2 year old little boy is STILL a little boy and will not sit quietly in Church for an entire mass......
I'm w/ you - He's too young for a mass. - You are his mother, personally I think you're being proactive and realistic about the whole sitauation. - If I was the bride, I'd probably thank you for being honest w/ me. - Not many mothers would tell you they don't think their son would behave ......... !!! =)
Don't stress, she'll get over it !
SUNSHINE24 Posted:

Re: Need to vent - As a bride how would you feel about this???

As a bride, i would be upset too.
But as a mother i would probably feel the same way.
Maybe he can wear a suit and be in some of there pictures.
FutureAJ8505 Posted:

Re: Need to vent - As a bride how would you feel about this???

I am having my nephew (he will be 18 mos for the wedding) as the RB. We are also having a full mass. My SIL's mother will also be at the wedding, so if he starts to get fussy, she will bring him out of the church. We will probably bring some stuff to try and keep him occupied like books or little toys...
Perhaps you can try that.
Good Luck
Who knows, maybe he will fall asleep
I hope that it works out.
lauren16 Posted:

Re: Need to vent - As a bride how would you feel about this???

I think what you said makes so much sense. who wants a little kid running around during a ceremony?? even to have a 2 year old as a RB in a quick ceremony would be difficult. your SIL should say ok, makes sense...and move on!! it's SO not the big deal she's making it. she probably has the ceremony agenda all set up as well as the pamphlets, etc...and is just freaking out thinking about things she'll have to change. she's probably stressed about lots of other things so try not to take it totally personally...and hopefully she'll come around and understand. you're just trying to save her some embarrassment and mis-directed attention on HER wedding day. this decision is best for everyone whether she can see it or not. all you can do is stay calm and remind her of this. maybe she'll realize the best idea...

Mrs.Z Posted:

Re: Need to vent - As a bride how would you feel about this???

Hes 2 years old. What 2yr old can sit still that long? Im 30 and get ansy during a full mass. Thats not fair of her for you or your son. I would just leave him out then. Why upset your day and make things even crazier then needed. Good Luck

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