New Expressway Lane
Tired of waiting endlessly in Parkway traffic on your way down the
shore? If you're like most of us, there's a good chance you've spent
countless hours staring at the back of the same bumper, riding your
brake and have possibly developed a minor case of whiplash from the
stop-and-go that one encounters while attempting to arrive at the New
Jersey Shore.
Travelers fear no more! I have the solution:
- THE GUIDO EXPRESS LANE --
The proposed Guido Express Lane, or G.E.L., is structured identically to
the H.O.V. lanes introduced in the late 90's across much of NJ, NY and
PA. The following requirements for access to the G.E.L. will apply to
all vehicle occupants:
- Cut-off shirts or wife beaters must be worn at all times. If the
vehicle is a convertible, no shirts are allowed at all.
- Capri pants must be worn. Addidas pants are acceptable only with
matching jackets and a Kangol hat.
- All vehicle occupants must have identical haircuts - spiked all
around (including the back) or must have shaved heads. All sideburns
must be shaved to a point.
- All body hair must be completely shaven.
- All vehicles in the G.E.L. must be considered 'exotic' or 'luxury
cars,' but must be paid for by the driver's parents.
- Vehicle must contain at least 13 pounds of fake silver bracelets
and necklaces. Necklaces may only be loose enough to allow minimal
breathing.
- Should any member(s) of the vehicle fail to comply with any one of
the aforementioned requirements, said member(s)
will receive a two-month suspension from Joey's in Clifton, Djais and Tempts.
In addition to the obvious ecological benefits, the proposed G.E.L.
would also provide the following free of charge:
- Upon entering the G.E.L., the vehicle's radio would automatically
be tuned to a satellite feed of 'shiny disco
balls' or 'darkbeat' (you get a choice of either one).
- The center divider would be lined with Sunburst Ultra Sun 4000
series tanning lamps which would run 24 hours a day to
ensure a perfect pre-beach/club complexion.
To become a G.E.L. member, you must be Italian (or try really hard to
look Italian) and test positive for steroids.
So the next time you're at a dead stop at exit 117 for two hours, take a
note, call your congressman and tell him 'yes' to the G.E.L.
shore? If you're like most of us, there's a good chance you've spent
countless hours staring at the back of the same bumper, riding your
brake and have possibly developed a minor case of whiplash from the
stop-and-go that one encounters while attempting to arrive at the New
Jersey Shore.
Travelers fear no more! I have the solution:
- THE GUIDO EXPRESS LANE --
The proposed Guido Express Lane, or G.E.L., is structured identically to
the H.O.V. lanes introduced in the late 90's across much of NJ, NY and
PA. The following requirements for access to the G.E.L. will apply to
all vehicle occupants:
- Cut-off shirts or wife beaters must be worn at all times. If the
vehicle is a convertible, no shirts are allowed at all.
- Capri pants must be worn. Addidas pants are acceptable only with
matching jackets and a Kangol hat.
- All vehicle occupants must have identical haircuts - spiked all
around (including the back) or must have shaved heads. All sideburns
must be shaved to a point.
- All body hair must be completely shaven.
- All vehicles in the G.E.L. must be considered 'exotic' or 'luxury
cars,' but must be paid for by the driver's parents.
- Vehicle must contain at least 13 pounds of fake silver bracelets
and necklaces. Necklaces may only be loose enough to allow minimal
breathing.
- Should any member(s) of the vehicle fail to comply with any one of
the aforementioned requirements, said member(s)
will receive a two-month suspension from Joey's in Clifton, Djais and Tempts.
In addition to the obvious ecological benefits, the proposed G.E.L.
would also provide the following free of charge:
- Upon entering the G.E.L., the vehicle's radio would automatically
be tuned to a satellite feed of 'shiny disco
balls' or 'darkbeat' (you get a choice of either one).
- The center divider would be lined with Sunburst Ultra Sun 4000
series tanning lamps which would run 24 hours a day to
ensure a perfect pre-beach/club complexion.
To become a G.E.L. member, you must be Italian (or try really hard to
look Italian) and test positive for steroids.
So the next time you're at a dead stop at exit 117 for two hours, take a
note, call your congressman and tell him 'yes' to the G.E.L.
