New to this board but not LIW in general...I need to vent and I've been told by a friend that you offer some good advice here...

Original post by Jennie0898

Jan 09, 2007 01:35 AM

Ok, so maybe I'm being shallow, I don't care.....

I just found out, through the knot of all places, that my BIL & FSIL are having a cash bar at their wedding in New Mexico. Well actually, here's the post from the knot...

'We went through something like this when we first started planning. FI's family doesn't believe that a wedding should be without alcohol. My family, on the other hand, isn't too big on drinking, and they weren't too pleased with the fact that there might be alcohol at the reception. Both FI wanted to have at least some alcohol available for those who wanted it. After a long discussion, we came to an agreement. We decided that we are going to have a full bar at the reception, but we will only pay for what is consumed during cocktail hour. This way, it's available to anyone who wants to drink, but we won't be in charge of paying for it. My parents agreed with our decision...especially since FI and I are paying for the wedding ourselves, and everything is working out fine now. '

Ok, so as I recall...You got LOADED at my wedding at our expense, no problem there. But now that it's your turn you're only paying for the darn CH and the rest of the reception we're on our own???? What the heck, man???

Have I mentioned we're paying over $600 to fly there and then have to stay at a hotel? Uh, as I recall, when you came here yes, you paid for you flight but you stayed in OUR HOME FOR FREE!!! AND NO WE DIDN'T CHARGE YOU TO DRINK AT OUR WEDDING!!!

I think the thing that's really bothers me off is how DH's brother keeps saying that they're having a 'NY style wedding' and bragging about how much better it will be than a regular wedding in New Mexico. I want to tell him, uh no, you're not having a 'NY style wedding' (whatever that means) You're having a regular New Mexican wedding and are too much of a whimp to stand up to your FI and have what you want. Be a man already!!! First we were told he is not allowed to have a bachelor party, now it's a cash bar for the reception?? Ugh.

Oh and according to my BIL, their mom thought they should have a cash bar for the entire wedding. Gee, that's funny you didn't seem to feel that way WHEN WE WERE FOOTING THE BILL!!!!!!!

Ugh, again.

I apologize in advance if I've offended anyone here. Again, I know to some extent I'm being pretty shallow but I guess it's late and I'm cranky.

Thanks for listening...
Jenn

Blondie77 Posted: Jan 09, 2007 01:03 PM

Re: New to this board but not LIW in general...I need to vent and I've been told by a friend that you offer some good advice here...

LOL - oh the non-NY wedding versus the NY wedding. My fiancee is from WA state and when his brother got married they weren't going to have alcohol, but my fiancee or his father decided to pay for it (needless to say there will probably be too much alcohol at my wedding). Last summer I went to a wedding out there and the bride told me she paid $11 per plate - no joke. NOTE: beer and wine were provided. throughout for that price.

As annoying as it is I would not say anything. The other thing to remember is that they can't possibly expect you to provide a NY gift - seriously in other parts of the country its not uncommon that people give $50 gifts or (much) less. I'm not joking. I don't think it would IN ANY WAY be rude to give a little gift to compensate for the fact you are paying for alcohol. Its not vindictive and if the bride is from New Mexico she won't even notice.

Then make fun of the guy who said it was a NY style wedding. For the rest of his life.

Marchbride07 Posted: Jan 09, 2007 01:12 PM

Re: New to this board but not LIW in general...I need to vent and I've been told by a friend that you offer some good advice here...

I think that is awful.

Jennie0898 Posted: Jan 09, 2007 01:12 PM

Re: New to this board but not LIW in general...I need to vent and I've been told by a friend that you offer some good advice here...

Posted by Happybride2005

do they not want an open bar because of the $$$$. i think some of the guests my be disappointed. if i went to a wedding and it was a cash bar, i would be very surprised. is that how weddings are done in n.m.?

It's not uncommon to have either no alcohol at all or a cash bar. But in this case, I think they're just being cheap. If the bride and her family are really against having alcohol at the wedding then I would think the true compromise would be that there would only be alcohol at the CH and then say the reception would be dry.

The way they're doing it to me says, it's not that her parents have a problem with there being alcohol at the wedding, they just don't want their daughter and FSIL paying for it. B/c it's not that it's going to be a dry wedding, it's just that they're having a cash bar after the CH. Now that doesn't make much sense to me.

To me, it's like inviting your friends over for dinner and drinks but then asking them to pay for the drinks you have.

Jennie0898 Posted: Jan 09, 2007 01:13 PM

Re: New to this board but not LIW in general...I need to vent and I've been told by a friend that you offer some good advice here...

Posted by Preshy7

some people just do things differently.
they dont realize how most catering halls on LI give you the drinks in the package. its obviously different in NM.

Just get loaded at the CH and if you need to, bring a flask.

I have been to a few out of state weddings where there is a cash bar. I still had fun.

Very true... We probably will tie one on at the CH and have talked about bringing our own stuff to drink afterwards, but I feel kinda lame for doing that so we'll probably suck it up and pay, but it still gets my goat.

Jennie0898 Posted: Jan 09, 2007 01:15 PM

Re: New to this board but not LIW in general...I need to vent and I've been told by a friend that you offer some good advice here...

Posted by JXNOscar

I have a cousin who wanted to do this and I convinced her to AT LEAST make the cocktail hour free and then during dinner provide red/white wine and beer.
To have your guests travel and then pay is ridiculous. I would speak to your family or have DH speak to them.

Here's the kicker, my in-laws completely agree!!! As a matter of fact, they told the bride and groom to make it cash bar all night!!!

Funny, they enjoyed drinking at our wedding when they didn't pay for it!! I guess now that it's coming out of her precious son's pocket, it's a different story.

Jennie0898 Posted: Jan 09, 2007 01:17 PM

Re: New to this board but not LIW in general...I need to vent and I've been told by a friend that you offer some good advice here...

Posted by JessicaM.

Posted by JXNOscar

To have your guests travel and then pay is ridiculous. I would speak to your family or have DH speak to them.

I agree with this.

since half of the guests 'supposedly' don't drink that much, it shouldn't be too $$ to continue paying throughout the night...or AT LEAST have wine/beer provided at the dinner after the open bar at the CH.

I am not normally very uptight or snobby about these things, but if you are having a high number of guests paying to GO to your wedding, they shouldn't be expected to pay for ANYTHING once they get there....

I would say something...but I am a b1tch like that.

Oh trust me, my husband already called his brother about this... He told him, we're not paying so you'd better put you CC up at the bar!!

I'm b!tchy like that too! : )

Jennie0898 Posted: Jan 09, 2007 01:19 PM

Re: New to this board but not LIW in general...I need to vent and I've been told by a friend that you offer some good advice here...

Posted by kittythestray

To me, with your BIL & FSIL it sounds like it’s about the $$ and not about the alcohol.

I wanted no alcohol at my wedding because there are several alcoholics in both our families and I get REALLY upset when they get drunk because they embarrass us and I thought they might ruin our wedding. It REALLY is very upsetting to me when these immediate family members are drunk.

I got a lot of grief over it and was trying to find a way to compromise. One of the suggestions they (families) came up with was to have a cash bar. I said ABSOLUTELY NOT!!!! To me a cash bar is just about MONEY, IF it's really about the ALCOHOL they shouldn't even offer it. Charging the guests for it will not cause them to drink any less. I don’t really understand the thought of “Well I don’t want to pay for other people drinking but I want to have it available because I want them to have a good time…” Well, then if you want to be a good host you’ll pay for it.

I wound up doing full regular cocktail hour & then beer and wine for the rest of the reception and put a line in my program that said 'Thank you for respecting the bride & groom's feelings on alcohol consumption and not drink to excess'. Everyone seemed to feel that was a good compromise.

If it’s really about the ALCOHOL they would find some other way to compromise. I agree with you – a cash bar just seems cheap.

THANK YOU!!!!!!! That is EXACTLY how I feel!!!!

Jennie0898 Posted: Jan 09, 2007 01:19 PM

Re: New to this board but not LIW in general...I need to vent and I've been told by a friend that you offer some good advice here...

Posted by eelharas4700

a friend of mine was recently in a wedding with a cash bar.....the cost isn't all that different. at least here. my parents aren't drinkers at all-fh family on the other hand is (not big drinkers or anything like that) I personally couldn't imagine a wedding without an open bar (that's just me). I would think that since everyone is spending a significant amount of money on travel accomodations there would be some type of consolation prize-open bar! its not like the non drinkers are going to have to drink against their will. but again if its a money issue, thats a different story. Sorry, I had a little vent too!

Believe me, I feel ya!! That's totally how I feel.

waterspout4 Posted: Jan 09, 2007 01:23 PM

Re: New to this board but not LIW in general...I need to vent and I've been told by a friend that you offer some good advice here...

It amazes me to hear how girls expect other weddings to be like a 'NY wedding'. I moved to LI about 3 years ago. Only here is it expected that you allow your guests to drink whatever they want on your tab. I'm from upstate NY and most weddings are a cash bar, sometimes even during CH (OH, the horror ) I think it's nice.

You never see the threads from out-of-state brides (which I know is how most of you even consider an upstate wedding) that are afraid of what to do if someone gets drunk at their wedding. I've seen many of those threads here.

The wedding is about the comittment of two people to spend their lives together. It's not about how much they give the guest.

BTW: Now that I'm pregnant, should I be mad that I can't drink at an upcoming wedding? Isn't that the only way to have fun? Should I give the bride and groom less of a gift because I won't be drinking? (If you don't know me personally, I am the sarcastic one of the boards)

Jennie0898 Posted: Jan 09, 2007 01:26 PM

Re: New to this board but not LIW in general...I need to vent and I've been told by a friend that you offer some good advice here...

Posted by greenfreak

I guess it's natural, once you've planned your own wedding, to make comparisons to other weddings. And I understand their bragging of having a 'NY' wedding is probably grating.

But I think people place too much importance on the window-dressing of this kind of event. You're there to celebrate the committment of these two people, and for them to show their appreciation to their guests, within reason and within budget.

I'm not sure what advice you're looking for - are you considering complaining? If so, my opinion is don't. Instead, consider how you would feel if someone complained about your wedding. Or respond no to the invite. But it's possible for you to have a good time without drinking heavily, isn't it? If not, maybe you should respond no.

eta: No intent to ruffle feathers here. Just my opinion. And I didn't have my guests pay for their drinks. But I only had 75 adults.

.

Believe me, no offense taken. I respect that you have an opinion and that you shared it!

I guess I'm not really looking for advice, just a kind ear to listen to my rant... Thank you for lending that ear!

As for complaining to my BIL, my husband did say something to his brother but I think between brothers it's ok. As an in-law I wouldn't say anything, though I'd like to add that while we did plan our wedding my husband's family (including my BIL) DID have A LOT to say about (and make fun of)what we were doing (read: what I planned for the wedding, since I literally did EVERYTHING myself.)

I will, however, be the bigger person and say nothing. However, I have no control over what my husband says to his brother. Conveniently, DH and I agree on this topic! Yay for me!!

beachbum05 Posted: Jan 09, 2007 01:31 PM

Re: New to this board but not LIW in general...I need to vent and I've been told by a friend that you offer some good advice here...

I'd just take all of it into consideration when giving them their gift

It's probably costing them a lot less per head than your wedding, so I'd figure that, and the fact that you're spending a boatload on transportation/accommodations into your gift cost

Jennie0898 Posted: Jan 09, 2007 01:32 PM

Re: New to this board but not LIW in general...I need to vent and I've been told by a friend that you offer some good advice here...

Posted by SummerBride06

Posted by greenfreak

I guess it's natural, once you've planned your own wedding, to make comparisons to other weddings. And I understand their bragging of having a 'NY' wedding is probably grating.

But I think people place too much importance on the window-dressing of this kind of event. You're there to celebrate the committment of these two people, and for them to show their appreciation to their guests, within reason and within budget.

I'm not sure what advice you're looking for - are you considering complaining? If so, my opinion is don't. Instead, consider how you would feel if someone complained about your wedding. Or respond no to the invite. But it's possible for you to have a good time without drinking heavily, isn't it? If not, maybe you should respond no.

i agree 100%

while it's understandable to be upset, it's not your wedding and you're not paying for it. you're a guest, and you can respond no.

you wouldn't have wanted someone telling you what to do because it's they didn't agree with something you did, so you shouldn't say anything to them. IMO, it's not your place at all to have them change their wedding because you don't agree with something.

good luck with what you decide to do, but don't let a 'cash bar' bar you from celebrating the marriage of 2 important people to you. that's what the wedding is really about.

Like I said, I, personally, would never say anything as I feel it is not my place to. And no, I did not appreciate it when my husband's family tried to tell us how to plan our wedding but they also didn't have to shell out as much $$$$ as we are to get to this wedding.

As for it affecting us so much that we would not attend, that's not even an option. It's my husband's brother and regardless of how wrong we think it is for them to be charging us to drink at their wedding, we would never not go. Blood is thicker than alcohol.

Jennie0898 Posted: Jan 09, 2007 01:32 PM

Re: New to this board but not LIW in general...I need to vent and I've been told by a friend that you offer some good advice here...

Posted by ssdbk
It sounds petty, but I'd at least consider reducing my gift.

Trust me, that came up in coversation...we're still undecided at this point.

Jennie0898 Posted: Jan 09, 2007 01:35 PM

Re: New to this board but not LIW in general...I need to vent and I've been told by a friend that you offer some good advice here...

Posted by Blondie77
As annoying as it is I would not say anything. The other thing to remember is that they can't possibly expect you to provide a NY gift - seriously in other parts of the country its not uncommon that people give $50 gifts or (much) less. I'm not joking. I don't think it would IN ANY WAY be rude to give a little gift to compensate for the fact you are paying for alcohol. Its not vindictive and if the bride is from New Mexico she won't even notice.

Then make fun of the guy who said it was a NY style wedding. For the rest of his life.

LOL... You know, I never thought about it in that way but you're right!! It is typical that gifts are much less than up here... Maybe we will go that route!!!

Oh and trust me, my BIL will NEVER live down the 'We're having a NY style wedding' EVER after this latest development!!!!

pameladhd Posted: Jan 09, 2007 01:36 PM

Re: New to this board but not LIW in general...I need to vent and I've been told by a friend that you offer some good advice here...

Lol! Haha! You are too funny! I def. agree with you. Perhaps instead of giving them a nice envelope for their wedding you should get them something hideous from a dollar store! Just kidding! That does suck though. Chalk it up - I am sure your future SIL will do a lot of things to piss you off in the many years to come, lol!

Espo22 Posted: Jan 09, 2007 01:36 PM

Re: New to this board but not LIW in general...I need to vent and I've been told by a friend that you offer some good advice here...

Honestly, alot of places outside of NY do cash bars ...Weddings are very different outside of NY, also cocktail hour they usually service like cheese & crackers and fruit..On the knot i even heard of 'Dessert only Reception' i was shocked, she asked for advice and what others though, and i was saying NOOOO i kept arguing with everyone bc everyone said oh its such a great idea...Basically all you got was cake and champagne .

Jennie0898 Posted: Jan 09, 2007 01:40 PM

Re: New to this board but not LIW in general...I need to vent and I've been told by a friend that you offer some good advice here...

Posted by waterspout4

It amazes me to hear how girls expect other weddings to be like a 'NY wedding'. I moved to LI about 3 years ago. Only here is it expected that you allow your guests to drink whatever they want on your tab. I'm from upstate NY and most weddings are a cash bar, sometimes even during CH (OH, the horror ) I think it's nice.

You never see the threads from out-of-state brides (which I know is how most of you even consider an upstate wedding) that are afraid of what to do if someone gets drunk at their wedding. I've seen many of those threads here.

The wedding is about the comittment of two people to spend their lives together. It's not about how much they give the guest.

BTW: Now that I'm pregnant, should I be mad that I can't drink at an upcoming wedding? Isn't that the only way to have fun? Should I give the bride and groom less of a gift because I won't be drinking? (If you don't know me personally, I am the sarcastic one of the boards)

I'm not really sure how to respond to this since I'm new here and don't really know everyone...

I hope you weren't offended by my post...

And yes, to answer your question, you should be mad that you cannot drink at that upcoming wedding...Why didn't the bride and groom take into consideration thay you were TTC when they picked a date?!?! (I'm just kidding!!!!)

Jennie0898 Posted: Jan 09, 2007 01:44 PM

Re: New to this board but not LIW in general...I need to vent and I've been told by a friend that you offer some good advice here...

Posted by Espo22

Honestly, alot of places outside of NY do cash bars ...Weddings are very different outside of NY, also cocktail hour they usually service like cheese & crackers and fruit..On the knot i even heard of 'Dessert only Reception' i was shocked, she asked for advice and what others though, and i was saying NOOOO i kept arguing with everyone bc everyone said oh its such a great idea...Basically all you got was cake and champagne .

I hear ya, weddings are very different out of the tri-state area. It's just that my BIL keeps spewing at the mouth about how his wedding is going to be NY style, blah, blah, blah... My attitude is have the wedding you want and don't brag about anything...Especially when you consider the fact that no, it's not going to be a NY style wedding.

I know it's petty, but the whole thing just bugs me...

kahlua716 Posted: Jan 09, 2007 01:47 PM

Re: New to this board but not LIW in general...I need to vent and I've been told by a friend that you offer some good advice here...

Posted by Blondie77

LOL - oh the non-NY wedding versus the NY wedding. My fiancee is from WA state and when his brother got married they weren't going to have alcohol, but my fiancee or his father decided to pay for it (needless to say there will probably be too much alcohol at my wedding). Last summer I went to a wedding out there and the bride told me she paid $11 per plate - no joke. NOTE: beer and wine were provided. throughout for that price.

As annoying as it is I would not say anything. The other thing to remember is that they can't possibly expect you to provide a NY gift - seriously in other parts of the country its not uncommon that people give $50 gifts or (much) less. I'm not joking. I don't think it would IN ANY WAY be rude to give a little gift to compensate for the fact you are paying for alcohol. Its not vindictive and if the bride is from New Mexico she won't even notice.

Then make fun of the guy who said it was a NY style wedding. For the rest of his life.

I agree.

My best friend got married at a small restaurant in Florida, and the whole thing was a cash bar-- including SODA (They provided sweet tea and water)!!! I thought it was tacky--but chalked it up to the fact that they didn't know any better. Whatever, I drank water.