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New to this board but not LIW in general...I need to vent and I've been told by a friend that you offer some good advice here...

Jennie0898 Posted:

New to this board but not LIW in general...I need to vent and I've been told by a friend that you offer some good advice here...

Ok, so maybe I'm being shallow, I don't care.....

I just found out, through the knot of all places, that my BIL & FSIL are having a cash bar at their wedding in New Mexico. Well actually, here's the post from the knot...

'We went through something like this when we first started planning. FI's family doesn't believe that a wedding should be without alcohol. My family, on the other hand, isn't too big on drinking, and they weren't too pleased with the fact that there might be alcohol at the reception. Both FI wanted to have at least some alcohol available for those who wanted it. After a long discussion, we came to an agreement. We decided that we are going to have a full bar at the reception, but we will only pay for what is consumed during cocktail hour. This way, it's available to anyone who wants to drink, but we won't be in charge of paying for it. My parents agreed with our decision...especially since FI and I are paying for the wedding ourselves, and everything is working out fine now. '

Ok, so as I recall...You got LOADED at my wedding at our expense, no problem there. But now that it's your turn you're only paying for the darn CH and the rest of the reception we're on our own???? What the heck, man???

Have I mentioned we're paying over $600 to fly there and then have to stay at a hotel? Uh, as I recall, when you came here yes, you paid for you flight but you stayed in OUR HOME FOR FREE!!! AND NO WE DIDN'T CHARGE YOU TO DRINK AT OUR WEDDING!!!

I think the thing that's really bothers me off is how DH's brother keeps saying that they're having a 'NY style wedding' and bragging about how much better it will be than a regular wedding in New Mexico. I want to tell him, uh no, you're not having a 'NY style wedding' (whatever that means) You're having a regular New Mexican wedding and are too much of a whimp to stand up to your FI and have what you want. Be a man already!!! First we were told he is not allowed to have a bachelor party, now it's a cash bar for the reception?? Ugh.

Oh and according to my BIL, their mom thought they should have a cash bar for the entire wedding. Gee, that's funny you didn't seem to feel that way WHEN WE WERE FOOTING THE BILL!!!!!!!

Ugh, again.

I apologize in advance if I've offended anyone here. Again, I know to some extent I'm being pretty shallow but I guess it's late and I'm cranky.

Thanks for listening...
Jenn
Happybride2005 Posted:

Re: New to this board but not LIW in general...I need to vent and I've been told by a friend that you offer some good advice here...

do they not want an open bar because of the $$$$. i think some of the guests my be disappointed. if i went to a wedding and it was a cash bar, i would be very surprised. is that how weddings are done in n.m.?

Preshy7 Posted:

Re: New to this board but not LIW in general...I need to vent and I've been told by a friend that you offer some good advice here...

some people just do things differently.
they dont realize how most catering halls on LI give you the drinks in the package. its obviously different in NM.

Just get loaded at the CH and if you need to, bring a flask.

I have been to a few out of state weddings where there is a cash bar. I still had fun.


JXNOscar Posted:

Re: New to this board but not LIW in general...I need to vent and I've been told by a friend that you offer some good advice here...

I have a cousin who wanted to do this and I convinced her to AT LEAST make the cocktail hour free and then during dinner provide red/white wine and beer.
To have your guests travel and then pay is ridiculous. I would speak to your family or have DH speak to them.
JessicaM. Posted:

Re: New to this board but not LIW in general...I need to vent and I've been told by a friend that you offer some good advice here...

Posted by JXNOscar

To have your guests travel and then pay is ridiculous. I would speak to your family or have DH speak to them.


I agree with this.

since half of the guests 'supposedly' don't drink that much, it shouldn't be too $$ to continue paying throughout the night...or AT LEAST have wine/beer provided at the dinner after the open bar at the CH.

I am not normally very uptight or snobby about these things, but if you are having a high number of guests paying to GO to your wedding, they shouldn't be expected to pay for ANYTHING once they get there....

I would say something...but I am a b1tch like that.
MJDoc12 Posted:

Re: New to this board but not LIW in general...I need to vent and I've been told by a friend that you offer some good advice here...

Hey Jenn! nice to see you on here!

that is just incredibly amazing to me that they think they are having a 'NY Style' wedding, with a CASH BAR! That's crazy! I agree with what another poster said, that maybe teh family can talk with them about it, and let them know that OOT guests coming from NY as well as probably guests out there , will find a cash bar to be just tacky. i mean you are spending plenty to go out there, and they are gonna make you penny pinch to have some alcohol! that's insane!!!!!
kittythestray Posted:

Re: New to this board but not LIW in general...I need to vent and I've been told by a friend that you offer some good advice here...

To me, with your BIL & FSIL it sounds like it’s about the $$ and not about the alcohol.

I wanted no alcohol at my wedding because there are several alcoholics in both our families and I get REALLY upset when they get drunk because they embarrass us and I thought they might ruin our wedding. It REALLY is very upsetting to me when these immediate family members are drunk.

I got a lot of grief over it and was trying to find a way to compromise. One of the suggestions they (families) came up with was to have a cash bar. I said ABSOLUTELY NOT!!!! To me a cash bar is just about MONEY, IF it's really about the ALCOHOL they shouldn't even offer it. Charging the guests for it will not cause them to drink any less. I don’t really understand the thought of “Well I don’t want to pay for other people drinking but I want to have it available because I want them to have a good time…” Well, then if you want to be a good host you’ll pay for it.

I wound up doing full regular cocktail hour & then beer and wine for the rest of the reception and put a line in my program that said 'Thank you for respecting the bride & groom's feelings on alcohol consumption and not drink to excess'. Everyone seemed to feel that was a good compromise.

If it’s really about the ALCOHOL they would find some other way to compromise. I agree with you – a cash bar just seems cheap.
eelharas4700 Posted:

Re: New to this board but not LIW in general...I need to vent and I've been told by a friend that you offer some good advice here...

a friend of mine was recently in a wedding with a cash bar.....the cost isn't all that different. at least here. my parents aren't drinkers at all-fh family on the other hand is (not big drinkers or anything like that) I personally couldn't imagine a wedding without an open bar (that's just me). I would think that since everyone is spending a significant amount of money on travel accomodations there would be some type of consolation prize-open bar! its not like the non drinkers are going to have to drink against their will. but again if its a money issue, thats a different story. Sorry, I had a little vent too!

jeanla4c Posted:

Re: New to this board but not LIW in general...I need to vent and I've been told by a friend that you offer some good advice here...

99% of the non NY weddings I have been to have been like that, open bar for CH, cash bar for rest of the night....we usually tip lots during CH and then have gotten free drinks during the rest of the night...

it's frustrating when you are not used to it.

greenfreak Posted:

Re: New to this board but not LIW in general...I need to vent and I've been told by a friend that you offer some good advice here...

I guess it's natural, once you've planned your own wedding, to make comparisons to other weddings. And I understand their bragging of having a 'NY' wedding is probably grating.

But I think people place too much importance on the window-dressing of this kind of event. You're there to celebrate the committment of these two people, and for them to show their appreciation to their guests, within reason and within budget.

I'm not sure what advice you're looking for - are you considering complaining? If so, my opinion is don't. Instead, consider how you would feel if someone complained about your wedding. Or respond no to the invite. But it's possible for you to have a good time without drinking heavily, isn't it? If not, maybe you should respond no.

eta: No intent to ruffle feathers here. Just my opinion. And I didn't have my guests pay for their drinks. But I only had 75 adults.
shelby34 Posted:

Re: New to this board but not LIW in general...I need to vent and I've been told by a friend that you offer some good advice here...

Posted by jeanla4c

99% of the non NY weddings I have been to have been like that, open bar for CH, cash bar for rest of the night....we usually tip lots during CH and then have gotten free drinks during the rest of the night...

it's frustrating when you are not used to it.



I agree with that, but I do think that if you are having a wedding in a far away place, you should understand that your guests are spending a lot of money just to be with you on your special day and it is only appropriate to be a good host/hostess and offer them as much as possible. Just my opinion...
JXNOscar Posted:

Re: New to this board but not LIW in general...I need to vent and I've been told by a friend that you offer some good advice here...

Posted by kittythestray

To me, with your BIL & FSIL it sounds like it’s about the $$ and not about the alcohol.

I wanted no alcohol at my wedding because there are several alcoholics in both our families and I get REALLY upset when they get drunk because they embarrass us and I thought they might ruin our wedding. It REALLY is very upsetting to me when these immediate family members are drunk.

I got a lot of grief over it and was trying to find a way to compromise. One of the suggestions they (families) came up with was to have a cash bar. I said ABSOLUTELY NOT!!!! To me a cash bar is just about MONEY, IF it's really about the ALCOHOL they shouldn't even offer it. Charging the guests for it will not cause them to drink any less. I don’t really understand the thought of “Well I don’t want to pay for other people drinking but I want to have it available because I want them to have a good time…” Well, then if you want to be a good host you’ll pay for it.

I wound up doing full regular cocktail hour & then beer and wine for the rest of the reception and put a line in my program that said 'Thank you for respecting the bride & groom's feelings on alcohol consumption and not drink to excess'. Everyone seemed to feel that was a good compromise.

If it’s really about the ALCOHOL they would find some other way to compromise. I agree with you – a cash bar just seems cheap.


This is the BEST way to handle this situation. Period end of story. While I understand this is a celebration of two joining into one, someone is 'hosting' this celebration and the guests should not have to pay to participate.

I also think that the wine and beer served at dinner well communicates that it's not about money, rather where the couple stands on alcohol.

I still feel someone should speak to them. Not as complaining, but if most people are traveling to NM then they probably aren't use to this cash bar. I mean if I was doing something off th cuff, I would appreciate my family's imput.
CLMon7906 Posted:

Re: New to this board but not LIW in general...I need to vent and I've been told by a friend that you offer some good advice here...

Posted by Happybride2005

do they not want an open bar because of the $$$$. i think some of the guests my be disappointed. if i went to a wedding and it was a cash bar, i would be very surprised. is that how weddings are done in n.m.?


could be the area...every wedding i've been to in the south was cash bar...they charge waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay less to begin with so when they offer up unlimited alcohol additions, the cost is HUGE. we don't notice it as much here because it is almost always INCLUDED.

i do see people being annoyed, especially if they've been to a wedding with a free/unlimited bar.
Autumn08 Posted:

Re: New to this board but not LIW in general...I need to vent and I've been told by a friend that you offer some good advice here...

I agree with you about the cash bar. I would be dissapointed to. But to each his own.

Licee15 Posted:

Re: New to this board but not LIW in general...I need to vent and I've been told by a friend that you offer some good advice here...

Wow...Maybe suggest to them only serving beer and wine--- It may make the best for both worlds....

I am sorry to hear that....but I would post on her board if I were you or rather call her and Say hey I saw your post on the knot..I have an idea for you....

So she knows not to publicly annoucne things like that....
danibrwneyes Posted:

Re: New to this board but not LIW in general...I need to vent and I've been told by a friend that you offer some good advice here...

I am not a big drinker, BUT I would never ever expect anyone to pay for a drink at a wedding!!! I have never been to a wedding big or small, in NY or out of state or even in europe, that has had a cash bar!

murphyt33 Posted:

Re: New to this board but not LIW in general...I need to vent and I've been told by a friend that you offer some good advice here...

My cousin in CA did the same thing. I flew 3000 miles for his wedding and then it was a cash bar. I was so upset and the only music they played was red hot chili peppers and 1920 music...who can dance to that. It was the most selfish wedding i have ever been to.

milana Posted:

Re: New to this board but not LIW in general...I need to vent and I've been told by a friend that you offer some good advice here...

ive never been to a wedding that had a cash bar and i think if i were to attend one that did have a cash bar, i would definitly think its very awkward. I definitly understand why you would be upset about this. Alot of the girls brought up very good points already and i would try to talk to BIL and FSIL and tell them how you feel about this issue in the nicest way possible.

If youre holding a huge event such as a wedding which is a personal and intimate affair and close family and friends will be coming to your wedding with presents/money, how could you tell them if you would like a drink no problem but its coming out of your pocket even though i am the host/hostess of the wedding and i am the one who is throwing this party??????
SummerBride06 Posted:

Re: New to this board but not LIW in general...I need to vent and I've been told by a friend that you offer some good advice here...

Posted by greenfreak

I guess it's natural, once you've planned your own wedding, to make comparisons to other weddings. And I understand their bragging of having a 'NY' wedding is probably grating.

But I think people place too much importance on the window-dressing of this kind of event. You're there to celebrate the committment of these two people, and for them to show their appreciation to their guests, within reason and within budget.

I'm not sure what advice you're looking for - are you considering complaining? If so, my opinion is don't. Instead, consider how you would feel if someone complained about your wedding. Or respond no to the invite. But it's possible for you to have a good time without drinking heavily, isn't it? If not, maybe you should respond no.


i agree 100%

while it's understandable to be upset, it's not your wedding and you're not paying for it. you're a guest, and you can respond no.

you wouldn't have wanted someone telling you what to do because it's they didn't agree with something you did, so you shouldn't say anything to them. IMO, it's not your place at all to have them change their wedding because you don't agree with something.

good luck with what you decide to do, but don't let a 'cash bar' bar you from celebrating the marriage of 2 important people to you. that's what the wedding is really about.

ssdbk Posted:

Re: New to this board but not LIW in general...I need to vent and I've been told by a friend that you offer some good advice here...

That is not a NY style wedding!!! Let them say whatever else they want, but I'd correct them on that.

It sounds petty, but I'd at least consider reducing my gift.

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